I don't know how much longer I can do this... But no choice

[kelbelle29 5]

I do not want this horrible decision anymore. I have been having stomach problems for about 2 years now because of what I eat. For a while, I dealt. I was losing weight. It wasn’t a huge problem. Well, in the last year or so it has become almost unmanageable. And the last few months have become just that: unmanageable. I have lost control over my body. I have gained back all the weight from this 2^nd surgery. I am now anemic and pre diabetic. I still have a horrible food addiction I cannot get under control. My depression and anxiety are more through the roof than in my entire adult life. I have started seeing a therapist and switched psychiatrists to see if maybe it is my medicine’s contributing. I think I waited too long though.

Backstory: July 2010 – 284 lbs. – Hernia and Lap Band surgery

October 2012 – found out I had another hernia and the band was slipping

May 2013 – 262 lbs. – Hernia and gastric sleeve surgery

I have NEVER been a stable reliable candidate for any of these surgeries, but my doctor kept insisting to do it. I have never been fully mentally prepared for this.

I asked my surgeon BEFORE the 2^nd surgery: Will there be complications (aka “dumping”) like with gastric bypass. I kid you not she said NO. Well, I went back to her and told her what was going on. She basically told me she never said that and that it was definitely a possibility. This was not the first lie she has told me. For instance, she would ALWAYS see me for free even though she was not in my network. WRONG. She retracted that as well. Needless to say I have not seen her in over 2 years. A 5 min pep talk during my work hours for over $200 is not my idea of a good time. Not worth it to me. She would always tell me the same things anyway.

Yes, it is my fault as well. Since my band was slipping and I had a 2^nd hernia, the logical decision was to switch to the sleeve. That is probably the worst decision I have ever made in my entire 32 years. To have to think about the fact that I am stuck with my decision for the rest of my life is almost unbearable.

I still eat the wrong things and too much of them. I always think “this time I WILL control the consequences”. 9.75 times out of 10 for the first 8-10 hours of the day I am unable to. To not have that control anymore is taking a toll on me mentally. I just cannot stop myself though! To be told I can eat whatever I want in really small portions and then turn around and tell me that is not the case is absolutely ridiculous. Yet another lie.

In the beginning of May, I started personal training. It makes me feel better, but I am so damn tired all the time after work, that it just isn’t worth it. I would rather go home and do nothing. Especially since I haven’t been able to change my eating habits. I haven’t lost anything.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know no one on here can say much other than “try it again”, “practice makes perfect”, etc. Even coming from people who have had my surgery, it doesn’t help.

I guess I just needed to rant. Six years and almost 2 months later I am still fat, unhappy and unhealthy. Now with more medical problems than before when I was at my highest.

[silverwhitemoon 13]

Don't know what to say except sorry that you are struggling so much with everything. I know what it's like to want to eat everything in sight. I hate it. I struggle with it every day.

Good luck to you.

[loriemoms 101]

I am sorry to hear you have having so many problems. And not showing much success for all your struggles.

Have you thought about going to therapy? The reason I was fat to begin with is that I learned I had a horrible relationship to food. I learned that it was my only comfort, no matter what I was doing in my life. Even with a loving husband and a great job, I wanted to eat, especially sugar. I love sugar. I needed my sleeve to help control getting hunger as I worked on my addiction. My therapist told me that sugar addiction is worse than cocaine addiction. I worked (and am still working) on how to give myself comfort in ways other than food, and WHY I wanted this comfort. (my childhood affected a lot of this) and learning self love. I still struggle to try to lose all the weight, and have days where I just want to eat a whole box of oreo Cookies, but I can look at it and ask myself why, what is triggering it, etc. The sleeve helps me from not eating the whole box of oreos while I work out why I want to.

It sounds like a lot of your problems maybe from not eating right as well. With the sleeve, I have found you can eat slider food and gain weight and have no ill effects from it. I can still eat a whole bag of chips if I wanted to, but can't eat more than 3 ounces of Protein. You may want to sit down and look at what you are eating, and make sure it is pure Protein. Remember, its not calories, its content.

btw, if you have Netflix, you have to watch Fed Up. It talks a lot about sugar addiction. It is sad what is happening in this country!

Good luck to you. I think you need to start looking at the inside before you can help the outside. When you do, I am sure you will do better! Hugs to you!

[Dub 10,051]

A bodybuilder in my gym saw that I had been working hard....burning off weight.

He approached me one day and congratulated me on the progress. I thanked him and asked if he had any magic wisdoms for success.

Turns out....he did.

He said, "Look around....everybody in here....well almost everybody in here.....is working hard....busting their ass. That's super. Not all of them will get the results they want, though. We work hard while we are here, but it's what we do the other 23 hours of the day that allow the results to shine".

I don't get how you having your sleeve is the worst decision of you life.

You have a tool that can help you combat your obesity.

Seems to me the worst decisions are all those choices you make during the day to eat poorly and in a way that doesn't support your desire to loose weight.

It's a process and it's good that you are seeking professional help.

Hopefully you can find a way to flip that switch that's inside of you......your own personal "GO" button......and be able to gain control overall through winning those numerous choices that you make throughout each day.

For me it took experiencing a great deal of back pain and fear from an injury and a circulatory condition that was developing. I began to realize that I wasn't going to be around much longer if I kept living like I was. That pain...and that fear were enough to flip my switch. Priorities were shifted really damn quick and my actions....for the most part.....now are aligned with my priorities.

I hope you can get to this point soon.

You can turn your life around.

[KristenLe 5,980]

@@kelbelle29 I hope the therapy helps your food addiction and emotional well-being. I also encourage you to find another Dr (In Network) and address any health/medical issues. You can't get a do-over - so make the most of your surgery and use it to gain your health back! The surgery was only a tool - and you have to do the work. Hopefully you can get your food addiction under control soon!

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

@@kelbelle29 --

"I don't know how much longer I can do this... But no choice"

That's not true. You most certainly do have a choice. You don't have to "do this," whatever "this" may be. If you so choose, you can continue eating badly and going straight home from work to do nothing. Stay with me because I'm no way recommending any of that, merely pointing out that you are a free agent.

I think you're having a hard time committing to what is in your best interest because depression is overshadowing clear thinking. Your best move at the moment may be to deal with the depression with a good therapist and a good psychiatrist/psychopharmacologist. It's just bloody difficult to see a total picture clearly when depression is sitting on you. Maybe think in terms of not gaining more weight for now. The secret benefit would be that you will have made changes in your eating. Maybe also think in terms of taking a walk during lunch hour or when you get home. Just once around the block and then see about going farther or longer. Taking the steps that make sense in sensible sequence means much.

When I was looking into surgery but unsure whether I wanted it or wanted to change, I played all sorts of little tricks on myself. One thing was half trick and half brilliance. It was my choice -- choice -- to proceed on the basis that "I may not care now, but I'll get a head start on this in case I care some time down the line."

Please stop beating yourself. It only makes things worse.

P.S. I just saw this line: "In the beginning of May, I started personal training. It makes me feel better..."

You're allowed to feel better. It's your right. It's good.

Edited September 2, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[Jersrose43 837]

I don't think you were ready nor appropriately prepared for a lifestyle change

This is a way of life not a diet. Not temporary.

I hope the new clinician helps you.

Find a nutritionist who is experienced with bariatric patients and maybe they can provide the eating support you need.

And finally join an eating addiction group. I never considered myself a candidate but guess what. I sure as heck am. I see it and I want to eat it!!