New relationship after sleeve surgery

[#9grammy 274]

My now husband of 18 months now, we have lived together for 12 years. We opened a joint account from same bank, we each put in so much each month to pay all the bills, except our own personal bills.

He has his money coming in and I have mine. We both don't work he's retired and I'm well, disabled with bipolar and COPD.

We each know this and are completely aggreable with this. I usually do grocery's and he mainly pays for dinner out. We do pay back and forth at times with the food bill.

Only thing that changed was the federal joint tax papers, yes we now file together. And he keeps refund which isn't much. Seeing most my dollars is not taxable.

So hopefulgirl you don't really need to tell each other your finances.

That is my opinion.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Thank you for this! I didn't plan on telling him anything about it until we are engaged and/or married. I think the only way it would come up sooner is if something serious happened that would force me to tell him.

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If I got engaged to someone and he hadn't told me he had had such a life-changing surgery, I would re-evaluate whether I really knew him at all.

How long does it take you to provide your credit report to them?

At some point before pulling the trigger and making everything legal I would ask for a credit report when I gave them mine. And usually before I get too into someone, I do criminal background/civil action background report. Why? Because I'm the NSA? No. It's because I have kids and a life and a career. If you don't you are an idiot IMHO. It doesn't mean you don't love them, it's just self protection. It is cheap and easy. And who knows, you might find something very positive.*

*One lady I met had two patents, one of which was in the Smithsonian, but she thought it would be intimidating to mention. I thought it was very COOL. Made for a very nice dinner conversation. I love Google.

[TracyBar 132]

I tell no one I am dating because it is none of their business. I also chose to only tell my three best friends and to this day (almost 3-years post-op) those are the only people that know. I had plastics, so I don't have the scars on my stomach, but if I did I would just say I had my gallbladder removed. The placement of the scars is a bit different, but 99% of men are not going to know that or be paying enough attention to care.

I did not date until I had reached goal and had most of my plastics procedures done because I knew it would be a distraction. My boyfriend then made comments that I did not eat a lot and my response was...do you like having a hot gf? Right? Well then no, I don't get to eat ice cream, it's kind of part of wearing a size 2. It irks me when men comment on what I eat, which the vast majority never do. At any rate, the few times someone says something I just say...I had a big lunch, I'm just not really hungry today, I drank way to much Water before dinner, I'm saving room for dessert later (which I then conveniently forget to order), or any variety of perfectly valid excuses.

The only person I will ever tell about surgery is maybe someone I am in a long-term, serious, almost getting married relationship with. My prior surgeries are none of their business. Everyone has secrets and mine is nothing that is ever going to hurt anyone not to know. Relationships are not always about someone knowing every little secret detail about you, particularly those that have no relevance on the relationship. Your new boyfriend has secrets too...in the same way you respect his right to keep them, respect your own right to keep yours to yourself until if and when you may choose not to. Simply dating someone does not mean you have to tell them everything, or even anything, about your life that you might not be ready to talk about. Have a good time with your new man, eat how you want to without feeling the need to justify yourself, and if and when you feel like you are comfortable, maybe tell him, maybe don't, either decision is entirely valid and only yours to make.

Well said - and what I would have said as well! Until the relationship is very serious, nobody's business but yours.

[Alex Brecher 10,516]

@@Nikki Monroe,

Telling him you’re eating a little more often is a good and truthful way to handle it, even if it’s not the whole truth. If you’re not yet ready to tell this guy about your surgery, you could always say you’re trying to lose weight, which is also truthful and still not the whole truth.

[CLN.BK 165]

Good question I was wondering too b/c I don't think I will tell anyone. I'm a very private person and if someone tends to probe too much I normally distant myself.

You just described me to a T. Glad I'm not the only person who does this.

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

Most people don't know I had surgery.

I've had a few relationships since I've been sleeved 7 years. I've always told the guy I am a relationship with, but I wait until I know we are going to be eating meals together frequently. I've never had anyone react in a negative way.

I tell them I lost 100 lbs and they always say they are glad I did it because they don't know if we would have started dating if I was 100 lbs more than I am now .

[krazy kat 107]

@Oregondaisy...I think I would be upset at someone who would say that they are glad I lost 100# but probably wouldn't be dating if I was 100# heavier. I think I'd be a smart ass and say well I don't I want to date YOU now!!

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[HeavenlyGirl101 36]

yeaaah... my roommate is going to make it difficult for me to date the guys I want to - without them knowing about the wls because he likes to tell everyone how I had 80% of my stomach cut out to lose weight, instead of just leaving it at she had surgery (which is what my sister said to our waitress the other night because the lady thought I didn't like my salad or something as wrong with my food).

I'm cool with people knowing, but the way he says it and the tone he says it in is more him judging me and trying to put me down about it. And I want to date one of his friends after I am at a more confident space in my mind to deal with me and someone else.

Uh what?! I would totally po's if my friends started telling random people about my wls. He needs to be told about himself.

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[Oregondaisy 2,021]

I am dating someone new and I told him pretty early on. We were eating together often and if I didn't tell him, he would have thought I didn't like his cooking. He's fine with it. He's got extra skin himself cause he lost a lot of weight when he retired and wasn't sitting all day.

[Nikki Monroe 71]

Thank you everyone one for your opinions and the financial tips! LOL! They are respected and appreciated. I did tell the guy I was dating and now in a serious relationship in last night. I decided to wait until we were official and I told him even sooner because now I have to have my gallbladder removed and he wants to be there with me. I didn't want him finding out in the hospital about my sleeve and being shocked and confused. He was BEYOND very supportive and said that it didn't changed how he felt or viewed me at all. All he wanted to know is why did I make the decision to have the surgery and once I gave him my reason, he was fine with it and understood. I asked him if he had any questions related to the actual surgery and he said he didn't need to know. He just needed me to know that he is still here with me and not going anywhere. I'm glad I told him and it took a huge weight off of my shoulders. You never know how people will react or if they will say something that will turn you off and ultimately end things but it was perfect for me!

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Edited August 17, 2016 by Nikki Monroe

[TracyBar 132]

Thank you everyone one for your opinions and the financial tips! LOL! They are respected and appreciated. I did tell the guy I was dating and now in a serious relationship in last night. I decided to wait until we were official and I told him even sooner because now I have to have my gallbladder removed and he wants to be there with me. I didn't want him finding out in the hospital about my sleeve and being shocked and confused. He was BEYOND very supportive and said that it didn't changed how he felt or viewed me at all. All he wanted to know is why did I make the decision to have the surgery and once I gave him my reason, he was fine with it and understood. I asked him if he had any questions related to the actual surgery and he said he didn't need to know. He just needed me to know that he is still here with me and not going anywhere. I'm glad I told him and it took a huge weight off of my shoulders. You never know how people will react or if they will say something that will turn you off and ultimately end things but it was perfect for me!

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that's great - sounds like a very decent guy! Are your stats updated / are you at goal now?