OMG, How Crazy Am I????

[short c 1]

:behindsofa:I've been lurking here for several days. I've wanted to post but I have so much I'd like to say I'm afraid I might post a novel and wasn't sure I had the time to write it or if you would have the interest to read it.

I LOVE ALL of your posts! I started searching Lapbandtalk this spring for a thread just like this one to no real avail. Thankyou for starting this. :yo:

I am 5'2" and down to 165 with an original goal of 139.

I also have a Tummy Tuck scheduled for October (YEAH!!!) :whoo:

I can relate to everyone of your posts. My secret belief I am still SO FAT goes far enough that I've been afraid to post here for fear one of you will secretly think I still have too much weight to lose to belong on this thread. (Now who is crazy?) :car:

One of my problems these last few months is I just have no idea how much more weight I need to lose. I set a 139 goal based on a combination of the least I needed to lose to get to a "normal" BMI combined with the fact that I always dreamed that I could get down to the British equivalent of 9-Stone X-Pounds. (Where each stone is 14-pounds.) But now I'm down to a size 10 and part of me thinks why can't you just be happy where you are? I'd like to think that once I get the tummy tuck I can be satisfied no matter what the weight is. And I HIGHLY doubt that the surgery is going to remove the 25+ pounds I still need to lose to get to that original goal.

:pout:In so many ways I feel so alone. My band-friends that aren't as far as me yet are starting to treat me like one of those "skinny" women who they hate for complaining about their weight. They try to be nice but I still feel like I can tell it hurts them that I still don't think I've reached my goal. As for my non-banded friends, they are competely sick and tired of hearing about my struggles. I can't even say one sentence remotely related to my weight or the band without my husband asking if I would "drop it already" and yet he still asks from time to time if I need another fill because he thinks it looks like I haven't lost any more for a while.

Then their are the people on the street. I just don't have a clue what they are thinking. I still am convinced the "normal" sized ones are thinking I'm a plus size but then the people who really do need to shop in the plus size department are giving me those same "She doesn't belong with us" looks too.

Lately I've been obsessed with the idea of asking strangers their opinions. I haven't done it yet mind you just obsessing over it. Problem is I don't think I'd believe anyones positive responses. I'd just think they were being polite. That's when I came up with a truly "Cunning Plan" :madgrin:(reference-Black Adder Fans) maybe there are others out there in Lapbandland like me who would be interested in exchanging photos. We could ask all our friends what they thought of this "strangers" photos and share the responses we got. That way we wouldn't have to worry about the responses just being "polite".

If by some chance one of you don't think I'm completely off my rocker, let me know. I'll show yours if you show mine. :spy: :heh:

hey Ghost and others,

I've been lurking on this thread. Its very interesting!

I have a long ways to go, but I think the head game is key. The reason I got fat and stayed fat on and off is that my head works in the opposite way. Even heavy, I look in the mirror and see someone that is thinner than myself, and I deliberately select mirrors that support that view ( warped ones, waist up ones) and avoid ones that contradict my firmly held belief that I am just a bit above normal. I am always SHOCKED when i see myself in a store window, or real mirror and see this fat person there. In the past when I've lost weight and got to normal size ( OK - above normal, but not hugely obese) I would walk around feeling on top of the world because I was skinny,and then feeling so skinny, would feel like I could give myself permission to eat just that one thing - that treat. And back up I would go- back to my land of denial.

so that's one thought I wanted to contribute and want to know if any of you used to feel this way.

Also, Ghost, you were expressing that you want to know what other people think about you and your weight,or that you are concerned by what other people think. I think we have to get to the place where we really don't give a darn what anyone else thinks about our bodies.We are for the first time in a long time ( if you're like me) taking care of our bodies, and loving ourselves enough to do that. Let's own that for ourselves and NOT give our power away to anyone else. Do you like the changes that you see? DO you want to be even thinner or stay where you are now? Its YOUR choice. You can choose to stay where you are now and maybe change your mind in a few months, or .... whatever you want.

I think that those of us who grapple with weight do so mostly because of the head stuff.Sure some people have metabolism issues and medical reasons for being overweight, but as all of you describe here on this thread, we have fat thinking and an unhealthy relationship with food.

I attended Overeaters Anon a few years ago, and their stuff is all about the thinking , and the concept of addiction to food as something that comforts us when we are stressed. They have a saying - if you don't face your stuff, you'll stuff your face. The band stops us from stuffing our face, thereby helping us not abuse food to smooth out our emotions , but I realise that it doesn't solve the base issues.Those we need to work on separately to be truly free.

I expect if anyone did a survey they's find that most people with eating problems and overweight have stuff from their past, or huge challenges in their present that they are stuffing down.

So back to you Ghost - you look great! I wish for you that you get to feel as great inside as you look on the outside. You are an inspiration to me.

So are you, bubblebutt - I like alot of what you post. I hope you can get comfortable enough with yourself to show us some pics -because we will not judge you... .:clap2:

[Oregondaisy 2,020]

One of my favorite things to do is try on my old clothes. I put a pair of pants on that were tight on me before surgery. I only got to wear them for a short time after surgery until they were too big. I put them on the other day, and they fell off! Even buttoned up, they would not stay on. That made me feel great. But not great enough to get rid of them. I have boxes of clothes that I am afraid to get rid of. Even with the band, I still have this feeling

that I will gain it all back. The band is too good to be true.

[rms78645 0]

My brain isnt stopping me either, yet. I guess I am afraid that it will. I guess I fell like I am going to wake up and its going to have been a dream. I am having a really hard time seeing the new me too.

[lauren0728 0]

Hey guys!!

I havent got the surgery yet, but i know exacly what you are talking about. I spent almost a year of my life annorexic, i was NEAR DEATH at 85 pounds and standing 5'4!!!! The truth is i had NOOOOO clue what i looked like, even tho i looked in the mirror 100's of times in a day! The best way to see what you look like is from an outsider perspective. TAKE A PICTURE! put it in your purse and look at it when you are having some 'fat' moments. Of course i used it to tell myself that i was severly underweight and NEEDED to eat, but im sure when you all 'near or at goalers' will say DAMN i look good!!! remember what i looked like a year ago?!?! it will be a big ego booster for you. and eventually you will see that skinny person looking back at you in the mirror as well!!!!

Good Luck-

you all did a great job!!!!

Lauren

[bandster_1007 1]

i have not had the band done yet, but i completely relate. i suffered from anorexia several years ago and i was 5'2" and weighed 80 lbs (i still had some muscle because i was a combo bulemic). my doctors had instructed my mom to begin planning making arrangements as my life span was expected to be less than 6 months. i have no memory as to how i came out of it, but i did. the person that i see in the mirror today is exactly what i saw then, and we are talking about a difference of 145 lbs!!! later in life i got pregnant and i actually loved my body, i loved being pregnant and i enjoyed actually eating food and nourishing my body (i'm suprised my baby made it i didn't know i was pregnant and was slipping back into anorexia very fast). after i had him, i was happy with myself and my body. then i started gaining weight when my son was about 1 or 2... i didn't realize how different i look after 100 lbs until recently. i see pictures and i'm like "no way am i that fat"...

for me, i think the "anorexic image" is a lifetime problem that you have to battle. once you realize that you truly have image problems and tell yourself that what you see is not really there, it does begin to help, but you have to keep working on it.

another thing that someone once told me that helped TREMENDOUSLY, but seems a little juvenile is to talk back to that bad voice in your head and tell it that it cannot win. draw a picture even, and imagine yourself controlling it (this actually works).

another thing is when you look in the mirror do not allow yourself to say negative things. self talk is a powerful tool. focus on one thing that you like and as you smile at yourself tell yourself over and over that you are beautiful and you love yourself.

obviously i do not do these things right now or i probably wouldn't have as much of an issue, but they do work. a lot of women are afraid of vanity, including me, but we deserve self respect and appreciation. we are each beautiful in our own way and we have to learn to love it. who better to give us the respect and admiration that we deserve than us...

after you have been through the battle with weight loss this is the least that you owe to yourself.

..just my opinion, i know that i will struggle with this same thing a few months down the road..then i will re-read the posts.

[lauren0728 0]

WOW! it feels sooo great to relate to someone!! I've actually done all of those tactics when i was inpacitent at the renfrew center to overcome my eating disorder.... keep in touch!!!! best of luck to you!

Lauren

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

Someone... not sure if it was this thread or another mentioned the aluminum foil trick.

For those of us that can't see the difference today vs. yesterday... someone wrote about wrapping the newly thin person in aluminum foil, cutting it up the side, the fat/thin person steps aside and then they can see what they look like by seeing the aluminum foil wrapping.

Just wanted to let that person know...

I am having such a horrible time with this issue in my life. Tonight I finally called a banded friend and told her I need this. I need to try this. I can keep going if I can see a difference but I'm getting really frustrated being the only person that can only see a 252# person in the mirror.

We are going to do this in the next few weeks. Please, cross your fingers and wish me luck, this has to work!

Thanks for the person that posted this suggestion!

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

BTW....

I have to thank Jacqui once again. Had it not been for you I would have called hubby at 2AM one morning to see if I was crazy.

Honestly, I have no words to express how horrible it would have been to call the psychiatrist who I am separated from at 2AM wanting to know if I was crazy. It would have been really really bad. I would have paid dearly for that one later.

Thanks, my dear!

[Jachut 487]

Lol, cant talk now, busy wrapping myself in foil....

I kept ONE pair of jeans. They just fall to the floor. But even still it wont sink in. I cannot believe, simply cannot, that they once fit me. Yet I remember wearing them clearly and I thought they looked good!

This bikini photo, I dont think I allow myself to believe that's me. I think "oh, yeah but its a good photo, I dont really look like that".

its a lot of headwork, that's for sure.

[TheGh0st 9]

Someone... not sure if it was this thread or another mentioned the aluminum foil trick.

For those of us that can't see the difference today vs. yesterday... someone wrote about wrapping the newly thin person in aluminum foil, cutting it up the side, the fat/thin person steps aside and then they can see what they look like by seeing the aluminum foil wrapping.

Just wanted to let that person know...

I am having such a horrible time with this issue in my life. Tonight I finally called a banded friend and told her I need this. I need to try this. I can keep going if I can see a difference but I'm getting really frustrated being the only person that can only see a 252# person in the mirror.

We are going to do this in the next few weeks. Please, cross your fingers and wish me luck, this has to work!

Thanks for the person that posted this suggestion!

Wasa - Think it was me. I haven't tried it myself but a friend of mine that was banded 7 years ago helped do it to one of her other friends. She said that girl just sat on the floor and bawled when she saw how small she really was. I'm planning on having a Christmas Band party here in the Kansas City area and will be stockpiling the aluminum foil so anyone who wants to (ME) can also try it.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

You know, I was just talking to a friend of mine and I mentioned the same thing, I am hoping that this will fix my head issue and I will get to see and enjoy my weight loss. We'll see.

If PS doesn't fix our head issues.... what then??

ummm, yeah, damn good question! lol...I do think I am getting much better though. Most days I see the new me, but sometimes I see the fat girl and I want to kill her. How do we bury a former identity?

[TheGh0st 9]

OK this is going to sound truly NUTS but how about throwing a wake for your former self? You could go all out with photos, flowers, eulogies and all.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

OK this is going to sound truly NUTS but how about throwing a wake for your former self? You could go all out with photos, flowers, eulogies and all.

lol...it would be worth a shot!

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

OK this is going to sound truly NUTS but how about throwing a wake for your former self? You could go all out with photos, flowers, eulogies and all.

Photos? People have fat photos??? HA! I don't.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

ummm, yeah, damn good question! lol...I do think I am getting much better though. Most days I see the new me, but sometimes I see the fat girl and I want to kill her. How do we bury a former identity?

Remember the "tents" we used to wear? My friends still tease me about my "fashion statements" today. I wear a spandex tank top and jeans but then I wear a D-Backs jersey over it BUT!!! The jersey is unbuttoned! HAHA Hey, used to be you wouldn't catch me dead in a spandex anything!

So when people gave me a hard time about the jerseys I thought it was because I looked sloppy so I changed the jerseys to a Ralph Lauren fancy shirt unbuttoned over the spandex tank top.

I'll tell you, it's a weird feeling when your bariatric surgeon gives you fashion tips. People keep telling me to dump the unbuttoned shirts (including Dr. Aceves) but I can't bring myself to do that yet.

Maybe after the TT.