male only Does your lady feel safe? (what do women want?)

[needtorecover 574]

@@OKCPirate I appreciate any man who recognizes and understands our fears and defensiveness. So, thank you! What would really help is if you (or any man) would intervene if you see a woman being harassed. Whether it's an aggressive car salesman cornering her in a dealership, a drunk yelling gross things at her, a man following her, or a cat-caller... just tell him to knock it off. I've been in all those situations and I would have loved it if someone noticed and stood up for me. And studies show men will stop if another man tells him to but will retaliate if his victim speaks up.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

This is very timely subject for me as I am dating again.

I am a very self confident woman, I shop alone, travel alone, even use public restrooms alone, but there are situations that trigger fear - and they all involve being"noticed" by men. You can probably guess there was an incident in my youth that is likely a contributing factor.

Yesterday I was at the mall - I exited the store and a man was watching me intently.his eyes following me. My brain told me it was harmless, a compliment really but I could feel the uncomfortable feelings stir -I wiped that smile off my face, avoid eye contact at all costs and got the hell outta there. My heart rate probably didn't slow down for 3-5 minutes even though I was perfectly safe from a rational perspective.

I tried meeting men via meetup activities. I had it happen a few times when several men were chatting me up, wanting to dance etc. -and it was uncomfortable. It was like my brain went on overload...too much attention, too intense even though rationally they didn't do anything wrong. I would tend to flee.. honestly I sucked at that whole thing and I know it's my fault not anybody else behaving badly. (Although I experienced the bad behavior too)

It ocucurred to me recently that I am so liking the man I am dating right now alot, for many reasons but a huge contributor is that I feel so safe with him. His first career was as a cop and then detective and I feel like he is very good at reading people and communicating both verbally and non verbally. He communicates, especially non verbally, that he wants me around but there is never any pressure. It makes me want him all the more. In addition, I feel safe talking to him because we have established that we can have opposing views on a subject and he isn't even slightly irrate. I feel respected and listened to.

Maybe not all women are like this, but I am drawn to a man who gently lures me in by his subtle charms vs one who paws me or makes uncomfortable innuendos. A man explained that to me once from his perspective...that it is much better to flirt, but let the woman set the pace...for the same reasons you talked about. I don't know where he learned it, but quite the ladys man he was.

On the physical reassurances topic - I think this book is spot on. I love to be hugged and petted by someone I care about and who cares for me. I always thought it triggered endorphins, but the author has sound reasoning. It also makes me feel safe and that good feeling can last for days.

This sounds like a book I should look for and share with my sons.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@CowgirlJane - Strange thing with the science of attraction, pheromones. It's odd, but women like the way a guy smells there is very subtle "chemistry" that you can't put your finger on, but you ladies know what you like and what makes you relax. One of the points in his book was "if she isn't feeling it, move on." I have ignored that advice to my embarrassment.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

@@Heather I

working in that field would probably make a person have an exagerated fear/sense of he worst as you hear all the worst stories and none of the good ones! I am sorry that people have to do jobs like that. My son's ex girlfriend is this tiny little thing who looks like she is about 14 at age 23. She took a job in a strip club as a beverage server (not a dancer) but I feared for her safety everyday that she worked there. It is funny, it created more angst for me then it did her own parents...sigh.

@@needtorecover

I have had happen, I think 3 times now, strangers pull my hair in public. I have long, dark very curly hair that is unusual around here apparently. Once was on a first date and the other 2 times were on the dancefloor. i don't mean a gentle little touch my ringlets, I mean, full on, hair pulling. I was embarrassed beyond belief at the time, but in hindsight i should have been angry as it was really a violation of my personal space. I do agree that it would be helpful if others sort of speak up about bad behavior because sometimes the "target" is too emotionally uncomfortable/upset to react appropriately. Me, I flee - although I did stick it out on the date and he apologized for it. I was SO embarrassed - in fact just typing this makes me remember those feelings. Even now, I also feel like I am over-reacting that I felt that way.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

BTW, my husband is a retired cop / homicide detective. He's got both street smarts and world-class emotional intelligence. He observes first and does NOT react. And boy, does he know how to de-escalate a situation -- whether it's a simple misunderstanding between us or some random situation we run into on the street.

He's got skilz.

[needtorecover 574]

@@CowgirlJane - Wow, you have every right to be offended! That's horrible! hair yanking is something 10 year old boys do and even then their parents should teach them that it's disrespectful to manhandle a female against her will.

I saw a TV show where women sexually harassed men (the same way they harass us) and sadly it didn't bother them at all. They thought it was funny. I think that's why they just don't get it.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@CowgirlJane - Wow, you have every right to be offended! That's horrible! hair yanking is something 10 year old boys do and even then their parents should teach them that it's disrespectful to manhandle a female against her will.

I saw a TV show where women sexually harassed men (the same way they harass us) and sadly it didn't bother them at all. They thought it was funny. I think that's why they just don't get it.

"They(men) don't get it". This is one of the things I learned from this book. Very few men are scared for their physical safety on a regular basis. As a result sexual harassment responses from a guy could range from annoyance to being flattered. If we felt our job was on the line our thoughts will turn toward revenge not a fear response. So yes, we don't get it because the fear response is not in our experience.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

This reminds me of an article I just read about Ted Bundy. I'll see if I can find it.

(By the way, thanks for the invitation to the ladies.)

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Men: please pay attention to these stories. This is why it is so vital for you to be trustworthy so the woman in your life has an area of safety. When you walk beside her on the street side to protect her you make her feel protected, but when you charge off in front of her and not pay attention, she does not.

Start tapping into your inner hero. I almost got in a fight at Walgreens this morning. some idiot started berating some poor girl working the cash register. She was obviously young and flustered. After his rant I said "dude, at her age you help by teaching and encouraging not yelling, unless you are having to compensate for a micro penis". He left when a couple of people started clapping. So this can be fun too.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Here is the article.

I would consider it a "must read".

http://www.dirgemag.com/ted-bundy-feminism/

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Word of caution:

Not all men act like "all men." And not all women act like "all women."

Trends and averages do not define everyone in the group by a long shot.

I can think of numerous times when I've (metaphorically or actually) grabbed a baseball bat, gone outside, pushed through the bushes and said, "WTF are you doing out here? Leave now!" Or said, "Leave that person alone!" or "What's your name?" or "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" "Stop acting like an a*****e. Now!"

Likewise, every man I know is neither emotionally clueless, overbearing, a Galahad to damsels in distress, or unfearful in all situations.

People are complicated. Yes, patterns in human behavior exist. But patterns don't differentiate categorically between groups of people -- and especially not between men and women.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@VSGAnn2014 - I agree, and I'm not trying to stereotype all women as being fragile and scared all the time. It's just the difference is stark, and it's a difference guys need to know so they can be a hero to THEIR woman so they don't mindlessly destroy a relationship they value. And that is my bigger point. There are few books that I've found that can explain the needs of women to guys in a way that makes sense from our perspective. All we want is more sex, less complaining (and occasionally dinner). But figuring out "why opening the door for your lady" gets you points has always eluded me until I read this book. I've always done it, but now I'm doing it on purpose because I know why its important to her.

[katanne 215]

I've always lived in big cities, take public transportation,and for several years lived alone.

It has been quite an experience.

I've been chased while walking (and then running for my life) at night.

I've been followed into an apartment building, shoved against a wall and groped.

I've had MUCH bigger, stronger dudes slam me against the window when they sat down next to me on buses and start rubbing/tapping their legs against me in a sexual manner.

MOST men don't do those things...however it is also true that most men do not understand that the fear women experience stems from very real danger. The guys who DO do these things do them repeatedly, to many women.

One of the things I'm looking forward to with weight loss is being able to do the maneuvers I've learned in self-defense classes. (To be clear: I hope I never need to; just want to be able to just in case). As a fat, out of shape lady, I feel more defenseless - less able to fight back, and less able to solicit attention from bystanders who could help me out because fat can function like an invisibility cloak.

Edited April 6, 2016 by katanne

[Babbs 14,681]

Here is the article.

I would consider it a "must read".

http://www.dirgemag.com/ted-bundy-feminism/

I was JUST about to post the same article! It's fascinating, isn't it??

[BayougirlMrsS 3,939]

@@OKCPirate My oldest son was held up while working at a Auto Zone when he was in collage. And my youngest was held hostage a few years ago... And i realized this world is going to Hell in a hand basket. So i got my first gun, took a concealed carry class and got my permit. Bought my second gun. Joined a Old Female Gun group called The Well Armed Woman (go look it up). We meet once a month and learn about gun safety and technique.. I love being there and having the freedom to ask what ever question i want with out worrying if i will sound stupid. So, I never feel afraid anymore.... Plus im an amazing shot...