Self-Sabotage & why I eat crap

[Ruth1ess 494]

First let me lead off with: No, I don't have plans to see a therapist currently.

I've always been a very introspective person and honest with myself -- I've been doing a thorough analysis of myself since starting this WLS journey in order to give myself my best chance for success and long term maintenance. This is necessary especially since I recognize I already don't eat a lot at meals (my boyfriend is always commenting on how I'm 'two bites and done', not literally), so why have I packed on so many pounds?

I've begun to realize how many bad food habits I have tied into my emotions -- the usuals, emotional eating to feel better. Avoidance of underlying problems? Maybe. Still searching that one out. I DO use food as a reward system for doing well in other areas of my life, and am addressing that. But the one that baffled me the most was self-sabotage while dieting. Why in the world would I sabotage myself when I see good results on the scale? If I've dropped weight and I'm happy about it, by e that night I've already eaten something I've been avoiding in the diet, usually sweets. A reward, maybe? Perhaps. I've been working on redirecting my internal reward system towards other behaviors. Sabotaging my weight loss because deep down I'm socially awkward and need my 'fat shield' to hide behind? Nope, I'm a generally outgoing person, very open, not ever really seeing a need to hide from people.

It's only been a month, but already it's been an interesting journey of introspection and learning about my own behaviors. Does anyone else have something to share that they have learned about themselves?

[goblue9280 481]

One thing I've learned (only 4.5 months post-op) is a lot of those mental triggers don't go away after surgery. One of my big triggers has always been stress at home... e.g. argue with my wife, or kids fighting = I go eat something bad in large quantities. That hasn't gone away, and some nights it's a tough feeling to fight. I too have not sought therapy to help address it, and it scares me on a daily basis that it will end up being my downfall again.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Pre WLS, someone pointed this out to me... and it rang true. I tended to use food as an emotional ballast. So, I could do awesome on weight watchers or whatever sensible program for 3 months, maybe even a year or two... but at some point, it is like the underlying "need" just could not be met anymore and i would go back to including crap, and overeating quantities as part of that self soothing. A ballast, to bring my emotions back in balance.

So, if that were the whole story, i wouldn't be maintaining my weight loss so long (I am 4 years post sleeve) so there is more. The more is the fact that I was HUNGRY 24/7. When I did weight watchers, i learned to stuff my self on lettuce and other "free food" but it didn't change the constant gnawing hunger. The sleeve at least temporarily reduces the hunger hormone. Longer term, it is my belief that getting rid of the FAT reduced my hunger. There is some evidence that body fat, especially belly fat, almost behaves like another (and unwelcome) organ that pumps out hormones etc. It is likely the reason that belly fat is associated with so many negative health issues like cancer and heart disease.

Anyway, I do get hungry now, but it is more of a normal - I haven't eaten in hours, it is time to eat. PreSleeve, preweight loss I could eat a huge meal, and be ready to do it again in an hour or two. My sensors where out of wack. What is interesting is my son who is not obese, once told me that he can eat a limitless amount of food. He has had to consciously choose to not have seconds, not pile the plate high. One thing my years on weight watchers did is help me teach my sons better habits and they are slim (older) to average (younger) and escaped the obesity curse. My nieces and nephews, their cousins, are as a group absolutely obese to super obese - much bigger than their parents. One of my brothers has 3 kids that are normal size, but the rest of the cousins are very overweight. I think there is a genetic component that is either aggravated by lifestyle/how you were raised etc or not.

[Sajijoma 1,324]

I've been there too and I'm working on my self sabotaging behavior. One thing I do notice is that if I get a lot of attention from people, it makes me very uncomfortable. If especially a male friend or family member or stranger even at this point, comments on how good I look, it scares me, and I do have to watch that I don't turn around and eat crap. It helps to not keep crap in your house so that you have time to talk yourself out of it if for no other reason than you don't want to get dressed and drive 2miles down the road just to ruin your progress. I feel like I use my weight as a form of protection. When I was heavier, people didn't compliment me on how good I looked. They stayed away and that felt "safe" but the more I lose the more "unsafe" I feel without that wall of protection. Probably because the last time I was thin was when I was also a helpless child who could do nothing to stop my abusers and as I got heavier and bigger eventually I had the power to stop them with my sheer girth. I do a lot of internal meditation to try to talk to my inner self and try to understand on a deeper level that I am safe now. I'm as safe as I ever could be and I don't need my fat suit anymore. I can protect myself without it. I can let it go. The other reason I have sabotaged myself in the past was because of money. I know it's stupid, but in the past when I lost weight and started buying new clothes, my husband would yell at me that we don't have the money for this(meaning me to lose weight and buy more clothes) and he'd yell and complain until I felt I had no choice but to stop losing weight because I didn't have the money for clothes. Better fat and covered than naked and skinny! So I'd get derailed that way or when I discovered how much excess skin I had and freaked out and quickly put all the weight back on to plump that skin back out. It's silly really, but I was prepared to live fat and miserable because of some loose skin! I'm not worried about that anymore. My skin is getting really loose and scary looking, but I'm prepared to cross that bridge when I get there which will be to get it removed. My NUT and I estimate it will take roughly 2 yrs to reach my goal weight from my starting point which gives me plenty of time to save and grow my money needed to cover the costs, so I don't need to live in fear of not having the money for skin removal or the fear of having to live like a deflated balloon, or the fear of not enough money for clothes. It's just all fears! Once we work through those fears and we give ourselves permission to just live and be happy, how great it is! ????

[BCs 1000 364]

@@CowgirlJane - your post resonated with me. I had lost more than 80lbs seven times in the past 20 years. Each time I did it I was pushing through the constant 24/7 hunger. Every meal was maximum quantity for minimum calories. I would eat huge bowls of Soup made with only the very lowest calorie vegetables, stuff myself with substitutes like konjac noodles.

I always felt like I was holding an elastic band at maximum stretch trying to hang on. It was an impossible task and eventually there would be a situation or event that would prevent me sticking to the regime and I would break. Each time I put the weight back in at a rate of around 5lbs a week.

This surgery has allowed me to lose weight eating actual food, food which has fat and Protein and actually tastes good.

I am 4.5 months out and 93lbs down. I don't feel that 'just hanging on' feeling at all that previously would kick in after around 10 weeks. So far, this time around, I am feeling very positive about the possibility of long term success.

[needtorecover 574]

I always thought I was an emotional eater (since that seems to be the most common issue) but when I really thought about it, my emotions aren't tied to what I'm eating. When I'm sad, stressed, or lonely I stop eating because I'm so focused on the negative emotions and looking for ways to resolve them. I think I have more of a "contented cow" syndrome where I eat when I'm feeling good. I also suffer from a huge appetite. I honestly think that's as deep as it goes with me. When I was hungry I'd feel desperate almost. If I went too long without eating it was torture. Diets never worked because I was always so uncomfortable with eating less. I hated thinking about food all the time, wondering what my next meal would be, feeling distracted at meals because I'd rather be eating than talking... and binges were easily triggered by one taste of a certain food, usually sweets or fried food.

I've learned a lot about what caused my weight problem after surgery. I kind of wish I could've gotten a blood panel to see if I had some kind of hormone imbalance. Too much ghrelin and not enough leptin maybe?

[Jenkins 26]

I am only 3 weeks post op and having all the old cravings, even the first week I kept thinking 'oh I cant wait til I can eat that again' - getting sleeved changes nothing!

Getting to grips with these feelings are so hard to deal with - going through the entire surgery process only to be left wanting to self-sabotaging so soon! I guess it is a process, I am seeing a psychologist to help me with this & I really hope it works although it will be a very slow process.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Jenkins

[Stevehud 1,790]

sure ill share this one caveat i discovered about myself- Its easy. Everything easy is good. don't fight things, you life goes easier. its easier to eat crap to not plan to eat easy things, to eat a lot, to sit on my ass and just eat. So what do i do , i take things easy. i look for the easy way out. a magic pill? sure , itll happen . fen phen? loved it, cemical fix. if i wait long enough ill get a new drug thatll work.

Unfortunately thats just denial. When you learn that, its the first step to getting better. Unfortunately there are a lot of steps in the stairway to weight loss.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I suspect that my own issues with weight, weight loss, weight maintenance, exercise, etc. are not universal experiences for everyone who deals with obesity-related challenges.

It's important we each learn what our own issues are. And that we find and employ constructive ways to address and resolve our issues.

Congrats to everyone who's been able to do this. Best wishes to all who are working in this direction.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Congratulations on deciding to put in some work in dealing with the internal/head issues.

Even though you don't have plans to see a counselor or therapist right now, there are some other tools and resources I would recommend that you consider.

There are many good books available related to eating issues and/or weight loss surgery.

One I recommend frequently is Eat it Up! by Dr. Connie Stapleton. She just posted an article on this site and is a therapist who works with WLS patients. I believe there is a companion workbook, too.

OA meetings and literature. Go to OA.org and you will find lots of information, podcasts, meeting lists (both in person and virtual), etc.

Just about anything by Geneen Roth. I like When food is Love especially.

Anything by Melodie Beaty. I frequently recommend The Language of Letting Go.

I am currently reading Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection. Even though it's not a book about eating issues, it hasn't taken long for eating and body issues to come up.

Even though you currently don't have plans to find a therapy st or counselor, I hope you don't discard the idea completely. A good therapist can be a tremendous asset.

Best of luck in your journey.

[Support Sisters 19]

Love these posts! I am 2.5 months out and 55 pounds down - I am good at losing weight and I feel great! I am trying to understand why in the past I couldn't keep it off- what is the difference this time? Why do I love crap food so much. Why do I get lazy and sabatoge all my hard work. Hope I can figure it out before I do it again.

[FocusOnMeNow 599]

@InnerSurferGirl Brene Brown is the bomb. I believe OKC Pirate or someone on here posted a link to her TED talk. I am trying to read at least three of her books. Her work on vulnerability, guilt and shame are phenomenal.

I would highly recommend to ANYONE who has had or is considering weight loss surgery to go to OA. Try at least 3 different meetings at least 3 times until you find a good fit.

The good thing about OA and about seeing a therapist (I am doing both)... is that we cannot do this journey alone. Yes there is a lot of introspection, self-awareness and self-care going on and ultimately you have to do the work for you. BUT I realized that all of the activities I was doing by myself after awhile was pretty isolating. Part of the reason, is that I have been hurt before a lot. OA and/or a therapist gives you some acceptance and some interaction which is an important part of healing, and I feel its very important.

[wonderwoman75 118]

Hi everyone,

I have recently gained 25 lbs since my surgery three years ago by eating crap when stressed. I too love Brene Brown. She is so awesome. Also, I have been in therapy since surgery. I started a new position at work a year ago and that was it. Stress from it got the best of me. Now I'm back on track thanks to my surgeons office. The LVN and PA are life savers. I have been going for two weeks. The first week I stayed the same the second week lost four pounds. Only 21 pounds more.

[chavezmommy 146]

I'm 3 weeks post op and I can totally relate. Yesterday I over ate. I cooked and ate green chili Soup and it brought me back to "this is my food and this is what I eat. This satisfies me." Evenings are when I struggle most. I over ate the most during the evening pre-surgery. When I eat the allowed food it tastes ok but I have a hard time knowing when to stop. When will I feel satisfied? I think it's a habit that it's not until I feel gross full. Otherwise I feel empty. I'm referring to my stomach and my inner being. I don't have a solution to this yet. I'm glad to see this post and hope learn from others.