Out to the bars?

[RedJoy86 6]

Hi there,

So a few months back I started online dating and I haven't really connected with anyone yet. I know that these things take time and that I just need to be patient but I'm pretty sure that women just aren't interested with my profile. However, I've been toying with the idea of exploring the bar scene or just going out on Friday and Saturday nights more often to try to meet people.

Many have said that the likelihood of meeting someone truly substantive with this would be less than online dating, but frankly I'd like to explore it now that I've lost close to 150 lbs (almost... there!) and I'd like to try talking with people. Maybe to get further contacts? Maybe just to get experience?

Does anyone have any stories with this method after losing a significant amount of weight? I'd love to read good stories but I'll take bad ones too (for the examples of what not to do). I'm not looking for too much advice on this one but I'd just like to see peoples' experiences.

[Amelie2016 116]

I'm sorry, I don't.

Online Dating is touch. I met my husband through gaming online. I'd check your area for "Meet-Up's" or other fin things where people socialize over a mutual interest. Like, if you want to learn something in your area. I don't know if the "Meet-Up" site is everywhere, let me check. http://www.meetup.com/

[AvaFern 3,516]

Dating sort of sucks no matter what you do, however if you go to the bars bring a wingman or two. As a woman, I find it creepy when guys who are there alone hit on me, however when you are with a group of friends and you come talk to me and my group of friends it is more comfortable for everyone and a lot less pressure on any one person.

Also, your weight now says you are 200 so you are just a normal looking guy. Don't go in there with the mindset that you're a dude who just lost a lot of weight, because that will make you seem insecure and women can sense that. Go to the bar as a dude who is a totally normal size, looking to chat with a few nice women, and enjoy a drink or two with his buddies. If you meet someone, then hey, good job, but if you don't, you still get to spend the night having a nice time with friends.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I go to bars because I love to dance. I go with other women pals or a meetup group . If you dance, it's a great way to meet people. Unfortunately the ones who I have exchanged numbers with have been married cheaters, still live with their EX or have some such showstopper issue. I am not a hookup kinda gal so this only works for me if we dance, talk and make arrangements for future dates....

For women, it's all about howwe look; for dudes - being charming works But add dancing and I would definitely talk to you!

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

@@RedJoy86, I'll try to put together a few ideas that no one else comes up with to pass along. In the meantime, why do you think your online profile isn't getting attention?* What did you write about yourself? Which online site are you using? As to that last, I don't do the online thing, but our BP cohorts may have some input on which they prefer.

Off the top of my head, how about a continuing ed class in a subject that really does interest you? At the very least, you'll be learning something that matters to you.

* Don't say that you like quiet walks, quiet talks or things of that ilk. Everyone likes them. Mentioning them won't catch any eyes.

LADIES: If you use the dating websites, would you respond to a man who includes his WLS and that he's achieved success with it? As long as he has other interesting attributes to go along with it? I'm thinking of the "achieved success" part at least as much to say that he achieves what he sets out to do as the fact that he isn't overweight. Should RedJoy try it at one site? (Sorry, RedJoy, to talk about you as though you're not here. And sorry that I seem to have forgotten that you're not looking for advice as much as hearing experiences. There's no way around it. You've got to expect to acquire some sisters and fairy godmothers. Maybe even some potential dates in your part of the world. Ooooh, that's it, you rascal! You are good.)

Edited January 19, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

@WLSResources/ClothingExch. Nope, TMI way too early. I also don't want to reAd about the knee replacement or. triple bypass -both life changing surgeries that require work to attain lasting success like WLS.

[Amy Wolfe 49]

i dont drink, never have. dont really go out either. but there was a thing i went to on sat at a bar im 5 weeks out. and as my friends ate, the bartender was cool enough to get me my own little hard coiled egg!! yes!

[lifeofblair 308]

I'm not a bar person unless I have friends visiting that want to go. I will go if it's a watch party for a game or something like that. But, I have also thought about the online stuff just not sure I want to do it yet.

[bikrchk 1,313]

I agree about the TMI. I don't want to know about your health issues in your profile. Keep it positive and highlight the things you like to do. Funnily enough I did meet another sleeve patient online. He was complaining about being cold on a 70 degree day too! But we just didn't "click". No big. Lotsa fish in the sea!

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

I've been toying with the idea of exploring the bar scene or just going out on Friday and Saturday nights more often to try to meet people.

Many have said that the likelihood of meeting someone truly substantive with this would be less than online dating, but frankly I'd like to explore it now that I've lost close to 150 lbs (almost... there!) and I'd like to try talking with people. Maybe to get further contacts? Maybe just to get experience?

No reason not to try a bar or two. Eons ago when I went to bars I was sometimes aware of my own bias that the people I'd meet only went to bars. That's patently unfair, of course: You come across people with a full range of stories.

If you dance, you're probably set with options. If you like trivia, you can find bars that have trivia nights. And more. Any bar-sponsored activity opens opportunities to begin conversations. At best, you'll come across someone you'd like to know more about. In the middle, you'll have had a pleasant evening. At worst, a blah evening, but at least it provided a change of scenery.

Go with a friend(s) or by yourself. Try both ways to see how you feel once at the bar. After, you might choose to play it by ear: Solo when you feel particularly outgoing and with your own company if your mood is fair to middlin'.

Okay, @@CowgirlJane and @@bikrchk cast two votes against an experimental profile to include WLS status. My reference to success was the type under your own steam and man-of-action, grab-the-gold-ring nature, not the success of coronary bypass itself, but their point is well taken. I was wondering.

Great idea to view the whole bar-going effort as a way to polish conversation-starting style and possibly make contacts for many purposes. That's how I viewed job interviews if I hadn't been on that route for a long time. I'd accept interviews even if I knew I wasn't interested in the job just to have the practice and keep warmed up.

@@RedJoy86, you do have to let us know how things go.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I'm so happily married it's boring to anyone else who isn't in the same boat.

But I must admit I miss the good old bar-hopping days. It's fun! Go play! The advice to go with friends is spot on.

Don't go expecting to hook up. Just go expecting to meet fun people, enjoy yourself, and maybe make some new friends.

Relax.

[RedJoy86 6]

@@RedJoy86, I'll try to put together a few ideas that no one else comes up with to pass along. In the meantime, why do you think your online profile isn't getting attention?* What did you write about yourself? Which online site are you using? As to that last, I don't do the online thing, but our BP cohorts may have some input on which they prefer.

Off the top of my head, how about a continuing ed class in a subject that really does interest you? At the very least, you'll be learning something that matters to you.

* Don't say that you like quiet walks, quiet talks or things of that ilk. Everyone likes them. Mentioning them won't catch any eyes.

LADIES: If you use the dating websites, would you respond to a man who includes his WLS and that he's achieved success with it? As long as he has other interesting attributes to go along with it? I'm thinking of the "achieved success" part at least as much to say that he achieves what he sets out to do as the fact that he isn't overweight. Should RedJoy try it at one site? (Sorry, RedJoy, to talk about you as though you're not here. And sorry that I seem to have forgotten that you're not looking for advice as much as hearing experiences. There's no way around it. You've got to expect to acquire some sisters and fairy godmothers. Maybe even some potential dates in your part of the world. Ooooh, that's it, you rascal! You are good.)

I know! Clever me!

To answer your first question, I'm not sure why specifically I haven't gotten that much success. I've been using eHarmony mostly and I've dabbled with POF and Match (neither of which are really good). I did put the fact that fitness and diet are very important to me as I have lost a ton of weight over the past year but nothing specific about the WLS.

It is a numbers game with online dating so I can't say that I'm super surprised. I've been on dates so I'm not completely unsuccessful, I just haven't gotten into any sort of relationship yet. I had figured that if I am single, why not hit up bars and play around since I'm at a point in my life when I'd be free to do so.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

I've been using eHarmony mostly and I've dabbled with POF and Match (neither of which are really good). I did put the fact that fitness and diet are very important to me as I have lost a ton of weight over the past year but nothing specific about the WLS.

Y'know, it may be that the votes against mentioning WLS in a dating ad extend to omitting that you've lost a ton of weight at all. Your surgery and weight loss are of great significance to you, but a stranger is unlikely to get it and doesn't really need to know before real getting-to-know-you process begins. Unless, of course, she has the same on her résumé.

If you haven't used Ok Cupid, you might give it a shot, too. I can't say anything about it, but a woman friend likes it.

Don't give up on the websites; people do have great success. Have fun with the bars, too. It'll be fun to hear how that develops for you. You're on notice now that, when the time comes, I'll be the self-appointed, superannuated flower girl.

[AvaFern 3,516]

* Don't say that you like quiet walks, quiet talks or things of that ilk. Everyone likes them. Mentioning them won't catch any eyes.

LADIES: If you use the dating websites, would you respond to a man who includes his WLS and that he's achieved success with it? As long as he has other interesting attributes to go along with it? I'm thinking of the "achieved success" part at least as much to say that he achieves what he sets out to do as the fact that he isn't overweight. Should RedJoy try it at one site?

Nope, I would not reply to someone who indicated they had WLS no matter how well written their profile is. Like CowgirlJane said, way TMI way too soon. I also don't respond to people who complain about their exes, who label themselves as "nice guys" or worse something along the lines of "nice guys finish last" or any other sort of whiny bs. On a personal note the "nice guy" tag annoys the crap out of me...the fastest way to get a woman to run away from you is to tell her you are are a good guy. You let her know this through actions, consistent, good man actions, not labeling your profile with "good man" garbage, ugh that annoys me. Don't fill out your full profile- no one really cares to read that much unless they're a stalker, in which case you have bigger problems.

In terms of best dating sites, hands-down I prefer Tinder. As a pre-qualification, this used to be known as a hook-up site, which I didn't actually know when I first started using it. I have met one person off of there and he ended up being first a really good friend and later my boyfriend and, lol, there was never any hook-up type of arrangement. He took me out for a nice dinner the first time we met, like is supposed to be the case for a date. Tinder is great because the only people who can message you are people you have an interest in, so for women you don't get every creep and their brother messaging you. Also, while there is the point that Tinder is shallow, so is life. Let's be honest, if you aren't attracted to someone, you aren't likely to end up dating them, so why not just get that part out of the way? On Tinder you only talk to women or men who you like and who also liked you. I haven't used the app in awhile, but for someone looking to meet someone without having to go through a lot of sending messages and being ignored, this is a decent start.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Another pet peeve are the guys that talk about "no drama ". It has been my experience that people who say that are the ones that attract drama and not much worse than a high maintenance / high drama man. I like positive, not negative profiles. I don't want to be with someone full of bitterness and self.pity. come to think of it, glad they write all that stuff so I know who to skip over.

I tried tinder for 2 days, never met anyone, it was overwhelming. I might try it again another time but it will be months before I am ready.