Single or Single at the Time of Surgery WLS Veterans

[mngreeneyes 674]

I am hoping to schedule my surgery in late October or early November so maybe I am jumping the gun a bit here. I've read the posts by married WLS veterans who have amazing spouses who have been with them through it all, but can't quite relate. I am single, never married. I have dated off and on since high school, but only had one long relationship. I am not in a relationship now and don't necessarily anticipate starting one before my surgery.

So one of the many questions that keep coming to mind has to do with sagging skin and new "friends". When you are fat, that is obvious. You can see that a person is fat with or without clothes. If one isn't turned on by fat people, one don't ask them out, hit on them, etc. Once you lose the weight, how do you handle the first encounter sans clothes? Is it better to tell your new friend about your surgery early in the relationship before it is an issue, or wait until the clothes are getting ready to come off and spring it on them? Does it feel like a bait and switch if you look good with your clothes on and then "oh, BTW..." I carry a large amount of my excess weight in my belly so I anticipate a sizeable apron.

Maybe I am just being a bit neurotic and should just let what happens happen. Any suggestions, anecdotes, advice?

[joatsaint 2,814]

I was single for 10+ years before and for 2 years after WLS. When I met my girlfriend, I didn't tell her about the surgery. I did tell her that I had lost a lot of weight and couldn't eat big meals if I wanted maintain my weight. That seemed to satisfy her.

I carry most of my excess skin around my stomach, so it was obvious - even with a baggy shirt on - that I have a gut. But she was okay with it. I made sure she saw me wearing shirts that were tucked in, so she could see that I had excess skin that was going to hang down past my waist, before she ever saw me with my shirt off. :-P

[geronimo 52]

I'm in the same boat and have been wondering the same thing. As a guy, I'm curious as to how women will react if they see a slender guy with clothes, and then however much sagging skin without clothes.

[Bufflehead 6,358]

If I'm dating someone and it seems to be serious, I make sure she sees a "before" picture of me somehow. Usually that leads to some discussion and it's pretty easy to work in, "my body is far from perfect, you can see I've lost a lot of weight . . . as you can imagine, I have a lot of loose skin left over." If it doesn't come up in that initial discussion, then I steer the conversation in that direction somehow at a later time -- but definitely *before* the clothes come off. I haven't had any negative reactions.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@mngreeneyes - It really depends on your age. I'm 52 and I date women my own age. In the end, gravity wins. There are going to be lose spots, but if you are confident in yourself, no one has cares. No one I have been with has gotten upset by what is loose. That said, I am probably going to be having plastic surgery in a year to get rid of it, mainly because it is a pain.

[AvaFern 3,516]

I was single before surgery and no one saw me without clothes until well over a year after surgery when I was supremely saggy. He knew I had lost weight, so the topic never really came up. I feel like I was more concerned though the first time someone saw me naked after plastic surgery now that I am covered in scars. I told my current boyfriend about the scars ahead of time and he has never once said anything negative about them. While I am very close to being back to being single again, part of me does believe that when someone sincerely cares about you they don't care much about what you look like naked. The other part of me wonders if my scars are something anyone will ever be able to love.

I think the trick is to be emotionally invested in someone before you are physically involved with them. My soon to be ex-boyfriend and I talked almost everyday for months before we finally ended up being physically involved. We met online, went on a date, and I wasn't really into him, but we stayed friends. Then one day several months later we started hanging out again and a few weeks later he got to see the naked me. I've had boyfriends when I've been saggy before and I suppose it never really bothered me much and they never complained. When you love someone, you don't care about some extra sagginess, however how often is the first time someone sees you naked a situation where you love them?

I guess that is the catch-22 for me.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Ok, sadly I am expert on this topic.

I took a lover after losing weight but before plastics. He told me I made WAY too big a deal out of my saggy skin. I guess I was terrified of being rejected after the "big reveal" and so painted a terrible story so he could reject me before.... This man changed my life for the better as he boosted my confidence and made sure I knew that "my value" on the dating market so to speak. He was with me through plastics too..and after my scars faded a bit said "you don't need to worry about them, guys won't notice". I learned alot from him...most guys are either"into" you or not. If they are into you, the details of how you look don't matter...they are sold on the package. I decided that guys that are too critical are too much like women and not my cup of tea anyway. (That is NOT an anti female remark my best pals are all chicks, we just tend to zero in on details more!!!)

So my experience since then? Well I haven't had many lovers but I give them the high level...I lost alot of weight and had skin removal surgery. Well before there is any nekkidness...actually I do this on the first date..... I wear sleeveless tops so they can see my arm scars. 100 percent of my small sample I have to tell them about the scars they didnt notice that to me were so obvious.

In conclusion, being healthy, confident etc etc counts alot more than saggy skin or plastics scars.

I do need to mention I date within my age range..not sure what a 25 year old guy would think!

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

So in response to the men on this thread... I think women notice details alot more. However,the good news is that looks are NOT most females primary motive in seeking a mate. I think in general it is much more important to be sure that they are verbally communicated with on this AND OH SO MANY other topics. I would not reject a lover over excess skin or scars.... however I would want to know. I have found men that I have dated have an astounding lack of curiosity..they just like the results. Be prepared that women might actually"need" details as we are apparently wired a bit differently.

[gowalking 10,790]

My story....I dated my guy for three months before being intimate with him. It gave us the time to get to know each other enough where I could be fairly certain that my skin would not be an issue. I showed him before pictures so he understood how heavy I used to be.

I also date in my age range and that means he has body image issues as well. He has a bit of a pot belly and wants to get rid of it. He's not a big eater and he does exercise...it's just that he's 60 and age is the issue.

By the time we moved the relationship to the next level, he was very 'into' me and what I look like naked is all about his head, and not his eyes. He tells me over and over when we are together that my body is beautiful and I know he means it. He doesn't see, or doesn't care about the saggy boobs, saggy belly, saggy legs.

I have to tell the OP that she shouldn't worry so much..because age appropriate men do not expect a model's body. Far from it in fact. He makes me feel beautiful and desired so plastics is the last thing on my mind. If you do plastics, do it for you...and not for a man.

[toastedink 115]

As a single person, These words of advice are encouraging. I have been wondering the same thing.

[Daveo 485]

This is on my mind a lot especially now that I am losing a lot of weight. This is a good thread.

[catfish87 3,471]

....... men that I have dated have an astounding lack of curiosity..they just like the results.

its not just us guys that like the results.

[mngreeneyes 674]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I am focusing on the wrong thing(s) right now. What happens will happen. I am trying to focus on what I need to do to get ready for surgery. I get my psych eval results on Friday and my 3rd (last) NUT appointment is October 6th. Until then I keep reminding myself not to get ahead of myself. No amount of planning is going to change what I look like post-weightloss. Maybe I will even find a way to embrace it!

Thanks again.

pam