Shot down by my "best" friend

[natnat919 165]

I had the VSG surgery on 6/22 and only told a few people. There's a gal that I've known my entire life, we've referred to each other as "best friends" for as long as I can remember.... but she wasn't one of the people that I shared the secret with, now I know why.

I had dinner with her last night. She lives a couple of hours away, so we only see each other 3-4 times a year. The last time I saw her was in March, I was 214 pounds and had long hair. FYI, I haven't weighed under 205 in 6 years.

Last night, I walked in (feeling very proud of my almost 40 pound weight loss.....and I also cut my hair into a short, sassy style. I didn't know right away if I would share the secret with her, was going to play it by ear) and her immediate reaction was all about the hair. For 30 minutes, all she talked about was how cute my hair looked. She couldn't understand why I wasn't going to drink with her, she ordered a beer and I drank Water. That conversation went on for a while.....I just told her I didn't want a glass. Then she put a piece of bread on my plate. I promptly removed it. I asked the waiter if I could have something special made in the kitchen, he said YES. She said "have you started ANOTHER diet"?

She wouldn't let it go..... so I told her. I also told her that I've lost almost 40 pounds, which she hadn't noticed. She said "you look just like you did before". Well that isn't what I want to hear.....She couldn't believe that I used to weigh 214, said it was impossible. Nope, it's not impossible, it's the TRUTH. She was hurt that I hadn't included her earlier in the secret, but I told her that you never know how people will react..... and I never expected her reaction either.

So besides not noticing that I've lost 40 pounds, and arguing with me that I didn't weigh that much to begin with, I get home and find this email from her:

OK, the more i thought about your weight, on the way home, I haven't seen you since the hockey game and you looked the same to me...I know it has to suck for anyone not to notice that much weight loss AND and a new haircut!!!! Your hair was at least 30 lbs...So proud of you to go thru that and I will help you however i can...

So now my haircut caused my weight loss? I know she loves me and didn't mean for things to come out the way they did. But this has really set me back. I've worked very hard and it's breaking my heart.

[jane13 2,256]

@@natnat919 - one of my best friends of 31 years did something about as bad. When I told her on the phone I was already post-op her first question was "what about your boobs?"

Really???

We have both been big girls for years. My boobs have always been bigger than the norm. She knows that I have considered the possibility of a reduction. I told her that until I got my weight closer to what I felt was normal to me it would be a waste of money. Also if I reduced to a DD, by the time I lost 119 lbs to get to 163 (the most I can weigh to be in a normal BMI), the DDs would be dragging on the ground behind me....

We haven't spoken since -

[_Kate_ 2,224]

Ouch -- Hugs to both of you xx

[Elode 8,093]

A www I think she's sweet to have sent you a nice email. Maybe she just never saw you as a big person so she didn't focus on it. That's not such a bad thing. My own husband had no clue how much I actually weighed. We played the "guess how much I weighted the day of surgery " game and he said 190, 1 freaking 90!! He was in shock when I pulled up my medical records online and showed him the actual weight of 267. My own husband didn't realize I was that big And we live together!!

[Mega_100 146]

I think it was nice of her to send the email at least. Maybe she didn't realize what a drastic step you had taken to improve your health and now you feel a bit like she should recognize that? If you're truly best friends I would give her the benefit of the doubt, but also let her know that she needs to be more supportive.

[AngelaWilliamsMD 290]

Hopefully you can work this out...good friendships are hard to come by

[JamieLogical 8,684]

It sounds to me like she had good intentions with that email, though I do think the joke about your hair weighing 30 pounds was probably in poor taste. I agree with the others. She probably just never saw you as big. Especially if she's known you your whole life and your weight has fluctuated gradually over the years. Don't give up on here. She definitely didn't handle that the best way, but it sounds like she does want to support you and recognizes what a big step you've taken towards a healthier you.

[lauraellen80 854]

Like others have said, I don't think that she meant to be hurtful. In general, people kinda suck at being supportive of others. I mean,you hear so many stories of people who get a cancer diagnosis, and their friends all disappear because they feel awkward and don't know how to handle it.

Anyway, I wouldn't push her away because of this. She did reach out to you, albeit in a kinda dumb way. She also may be feeling hurt that you didn't feel like you could share it with her (which I totally understand--I have a number of friend that I haven't told yet). So I'd say, move on from this, keep in touch with her, and keep up the good work!

[Babbs 14,680]

People didn't start noticing my weight loss until I'd lost like 60 pounds. Oh sure, the ones that knew would comment about it, but people who didn't know never said a word. And when I would ask if they noticed, they would say the same thing as her..."You look the same to me" I would have gone around and been mad at EVERYBODY all the time otherwise!

Don't be mad at her because she didn't notice your weight loss. I don't think her intentions were to disrespect you at all. She was very complimentary otherwise.

How can you be mad at someone for something they don't even know they did?

We kind of started with the same stats. Expect people to really start to notice at another 20 pounds.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I am sorry your feelings were hurt but I can definitely relate to her reaction.

I have always had long, thick hair and the running joke has always been if I needed to lose 10 pounds fast, all I needed to do was cut my hair.< /p>

I have lost more than 30 pounds but when some family members saw me for the first time after surgery this weekend they definitely noticed the weight loss, but the biggest topic of conversation was my new, short haircut!

I would probably give your friend the benefit of the doubt. Sitting at a table for dinner, she is going to see your short hair and face all evening and probably isn't focused at all on your body.

I think her email was thoughtful.

Just my 2 cents.

[natnat919 165]

Guess from the responses here, I overreacted. Thanks for the feedback

[JamieLogical 8,684]

Guess from the responses here, I overreacted. Thanks for the feedback

I wouldn't say "overreacted". In the moment, your reaction was very understandable and human. I hope that a little time will just help you to get a littler perspective.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Actually, I'd like to validate your WTF?! feelings. Some people really do blurt out the most hideous crap at the worst times.

35 years ago when I called my parents to let them know I was getting divorced (my soon-to-be ex husband had fallen in love with another woman and had left me) -- my mother, upon hearing my extremely brief and highly sanitized version of why we were getting divorced, said, "Oh, no! You're not going to become one of THOSE DIVORCEES!"

I just gulped and said ... I honestly forget what I said.

Bottom line, people are always interpreting your adventures through the lens of their own experiences, as little as their experiences line up with ours. Frankly, I think it's a miracle we EVER make intimate contact with another human being.

Frankly, I think your friend's an idiot. But that doesn't mean she might not still be a worthwhile friend down the line.

Still ... this is going to be a big, big deal for you -- the WLS, the weight loss, the new lifestyle you need to build to become successful long-term. And it's very possible all the changes you go through (including some you instigate about what you will and won't put up with and how you let others control or influence you) are going to be hard of her version of your old relationship.

Finally, I knew very early on pre-op that my best friends (yes, really, my best friends) who are all brilliant, charming, attractive and SKINNY were completely unequipped to understand my WLS journey at all. So I've not told a single one of them about having had WLS. And now they just think I've finally figured out how to "eat healthy." Actually, they're right, but the sleeve is the tool that has made it possible to eat healthy long-term.

It's so hard to understand how people who are otherwise bright folks can be absolutely stupid about something that obsesses us so much and that is destroying our own lives. I suppose it's like the non-alcoholic dingbat friend who says to an alcoholic, "Oh, come on -- it's just one glass of champagne." That's not a very good analogy, but it's pretty stupid.

As the second rule of life says: "I promise you: Nobody is thinking about you. They are thinking about themselves--just like you."

[natnat919 165]

Thanks for your validation @VSGAnn2014....

Although the email had some sweet points, the 30 pounds of hair comment is all I remember. Nope, I worked hard and lost 35 pounds of FAT and the hair should be just a small sidenote.

[BestDayEver 418]

I've been amazed by the reaction of friends, family and coworkers. A minority are highly supportive, many don't really seem to care one way or another or notice any changes, and few have been surprisingly hurtful. The pre-op psychologist warned us that some friendships may be casualties of the process. I feel so determined to make this transformation, that I don't really care what anyone thinks about my choices!