When your spouse/significant other is still obese...

[dhrguru 1,238]

I'm almost 4 months post op. Even before thinking about surgery, there were small steps I would take to try and 'preserve' what health I had. (Ie- drink Water, diet soda, bring lunch vs buying it etc) All the while I would hope my husband would adopt something for himself too... But he's his own person. He's never berated, bullied or lectured me about my weight, and I try and do the same for him.

But, part of me wonders if he was kind of 'enabling' me, or simply not doing me any favors ignoring the 'elephant' in the room. But, it's nearly impossible to approach this topic of weight without seeming like you are 'fat shaming'.

I see how physically unhappy he is with himself. And how unhealthy he is, cholesterol issues, elevated A1c, sleep apnea, joint pains etc. I love him and want us to enjoy growing old together, but we're too young for all that! Guess I can only pray that he chooses something that helps enhance his quality of life at some point. I ultimately had to make this decision on my own, So I need to transition my worry for him to love and appreciation for his support of me.

[Elode 8,093]

@@dhrguru Does he not want to get the surgery himself?

[dhrguru 1,238]

@@dhrguru Does he not want to get the surgery himself?

No, he doesn't. He doesn't feel he needs it... And I can understand that feeling since I was there once myself too.

[ShrinkingPeach 1,291]

Maybe as he sees your success he will want that for himself. It has to be tough for you to watch him eat things you can no longer enjoy and it has to be tough for him to watch you lose weight when you know he wants to as well.

Maybe he can attend a support group meeting with you to learn more or speak to others? Yes you do have to be careful in how you approach him about his weight but there is nothing wrong in stating that you want him to be with you for a very long time and if his health isn't great that isn't going to happen. Of course it is all in how it is presented.

Ultimately he has to be in place where he is ready for a life change.

[JessterNC 92]

I am dealing with the same situation. My wife is also over-weight and I have seen her struggle with it ever since we got married. I love her so much, and I feel awful that I was able to go down this path and she cant. I say she cant because she is too afraid of having the surgery period, she doesn't want anyone cutting on her. That may be my fault because of all I have been through, she has told me she is terrified about that.

So I try to support, I try to encourage, I try to show her how much I love her, no matter what. But I don't want my encouraging to come across as anything other than supportive. We have talked quite a bit about this but I still worry I will say the wrong thing.

Yesterday she decided to start following the eating habits that I am on. She is watching her calories, sugar, fats and Protein from my fitness pal. She is making really healthy choices with her food, she is eating similar things to me (she has the Soup but no Protein powder and eats a salad). She is also walking with me every other day.

I just want to be there for her the way she has been for me through everything. For our anniversary I got her a drawing of 2 old people sitting in rocking chairs on a porch, told her that is what I want for us in 30 years, her to be by my side watching the sun go down, that is my dream.

[shellyd88 463]

It's a good idea to let the idea be theirs not be pressured or shamed into it if they see success it may plant a seed I know the awful feeling of constant shaming pressure and discussion I was threatened with being fired if I didn't have this surgery and it wasn't because I couldn't do my job it's because my employer is a skinny fat shaker who makes it her business to humiliate everyone that doesn't look like her and if you want to laugh she is a size 2 literally and eats Cookies brownies chocolates ice cream mms all day makes me sick she even fat shames her daughter who isn't fat at all the girl is size 8 at 5'9 that's not fat she is just pathetic and nasty

[jeanniereenie 177]

i promised myself i wouldnt ever be that person that thought what was best for others, my husband has lost 17 lbs since my surgery simply by eating what i am cooking..he was pre diabetic before and now he isnt...

weight loss is a personal thing (or it was for me) no fat shaming! no skinny shaming...

people come to the conclusion of surgery on their own..i was never unhappy i was just heavy....

my husband isnt unhappy nor is he a couch potato so he will do what he needs to do when he feels the need..he is a nurse that works 12+ hours a day and then is going to school for his masters, he has more energy than me most days!

[IcanMakeit 1,319]

I agree that trying to encourage people to lose weight is bound to cause friction. The best way to support your loved one's efforts toward health is to share your new healthy habits with them. Invite them (without insisting or nagging) to participate in your activities/exercise and share your healthy foods with them. You can't force people to change, you can only support the change once it begins to occur.

[sweettea 300]

@ghrguru God I love my husband. He went through the surgery 6 months before me. He lost 75 pounds. BUT, 2 years later his BMI is in the obese range still. I worry about him. He's eating more and becoming less active. I just had total knee replacement surgery from injuries sustained 6 years ago. When we were very active. Overweight, but hiking six miles at least once a week. I'm looking forward for my knee to heal to get back to hiking. I just want my hiking buddy back. AND I'm worried about his health.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Deleted ... wrong thread.

[lauraellen80 855]

When I started the pre-op process, my husband decided to start doing Herbalife shakes, and he would have his "real food" meal at lunch when we weren't eating together. Partly this was to keep me from having to watch him eat real food while I was on a liquid diet, and partly for his own health. He's lost about 30 pounds so far... I just worry about him being able to keep it up over time. He tends to get very discouraged when his weight loss slows or stalls (we did Weight Watchers together a few years ago). I don't know if he would do the surgery or not--when I was just a couple weeks post-op and we went to the shore with friends, he leaned over to me at dinner one night as I ate my 1/4 cup of refried Beans and everyone else was feasting and said, "I'm so proud of you... I don't know how you're doing this, I wouldn't be able to."

[Babbs 14,681]

We all know from experience. No amount of begging, bribing, nagging, or shaming will get anybody to do anything until they are damn good and ready to do it. Lead by example, and hope he follows suit.

I take this approach with my adult kids, who are both overweight. I don't even mention it. They've seen both their dad and I struggle with weight issues their whole lives, as they have too. And just like mom and dad, they've lost weight, and put it back on again several times.

Now they see mom and dad thin and eating healthier and leading by example. Sure, we've both had surgery, but they know that's an option for them down the road if they feel the need.

My daughter recently started working out again,and told me I was her inspiration. Best feeling in the world

[dhrguru 1,238]

It's a good idea to let the idea be theirs not be pressured or shamed into it if they see success it may plant a seed I know the awful feeling of constant shaming pressure and discussion I was threatened with being fired if I didn't have this surgery and it wasn't because I couldn't do my job it's because my employer is a skinny fat shaker who makes it her business to humiliate everyone that doesn't look like her and if you want to laugh she is a size 2 literally and eats Cookies brownies chocolates ice cream mms all day makes me sick she even fat shames her daughter who isn't fat at all the girl is size 8 at 5'9 that's not fat she is just pathetic and nasty

Ugg-- that's awful! I hope you can find a new employer-- working under that senseless pressure has to be stressful!

[VDB 800]

This is a tough one. I am married for decades to skinny Minnie, and the gift she gave me was to accept me the way I was. Yes, every few years she would snap and tell me she was worried about me, tell me she wanted to keep me around, but overall, never fat shaming. It took until I was in my 60's, a heart attack, severe diabetes, etc. for me to truly accept responsibility for my health, if she had nagged me, it may never have happened.

I think the greatest gift we give our partners and our kids is unconditional acceptance, no strings attached.... and I have always had that from my sweet wife.

[shellyd88 463]

@@dhrguru thank you I hope to be able to make a transition soon it's been awful I wouldn't wish it on anyone some ppl are just plain nasty