Mixed Feelings/2nd Thoughts

[choosehope 233]

I've been looking into WLS seriously for months now. Have gone through the whole process with a lot of hope and resolve. Just had my last "clearance" appointment and should be setting a date for bypass next week. We've been planning late August.

A few days ago, I went absolutely bonkers with the food. I'm eating everything in sight even when it makes me sick. (Certainly not new to me, but I was doing so well with eating reasonably before that.)

The worry bug has gotten ahold of me. I'm not worrying about the surgery as much as the life after the surgery. Will I live with lifelong complications? Am I trading one form of being sick for another? Do I have what it takes to make such a drastic change and commitment in the way I eat? I embarrassed to say that I even wonder how I will manage without food to comfort me. (I do seek a psych weekly and have been in treatment for food addiction for a number of years. )

I am at a horrible point

Where I know that I know that dieting isn't what I need. I've tried for the last 40+ years and been successful, losing over a hundred pounds twice for about a minute. But I'm also afraid that the cost (not financial) of bypass may be more than I can give.

Hope is right here at my fingertips but I'm afraid it's false hope and that I'll regret it. But I hate my life now so much!! I want to choose hope, but I'm afraid. I guess I just needed to say this and to ask for prayers and encouragement.

[freelee 128]

Prayers are given. I understand your concerns. I am 4 weeks post RNY. I have had doubts about if I did the right thing a couple of times, but never to the extent of what you seem to be feeling. I got over mine pretty easily. I've had two checkups with the surgeon and he says I am doing great. I feel good, but there are times when I'm sore or feeling a little nauseous when I feel discouraged, but as I said, it passes and each day gets better.

That being said, I hope you have a chance to talk to your psych seriously about these concerns before you have to make a final decision. My team required us to go to one who talked specifically about my plans for the future and how I would handle the changes.......which are all for the better by the way.

Best wishes on your decision.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I went through this too. I spent about a year wrestling with my decision to revise from the lapband (which was an epic fail for me) to the sleeve. (well, actually it was supposed to be to the bypass but I changed to the sleeve). It was a very bad year - I tried and retried ever diet under the sun because I just could not come to grips with either having my "guts rerouted" (bypass) or "my stomach chopped" (sleeve). I was fearful of dying in surgery, of feeling horrible pain afterwords, of looking terrible/sick/unhealthy, of developing a serious complication... of never enjoying life again. Of failing.... again. I actually think that my fear of failing was the biggest obstacle.Emotionally, i just felt I couldn't handle that again.

I am now over 3.5 years post surgery and I have a whole different perspective.

I luckily had no complications - but truth is most people with very serious complications recover and become strong.

I look awesome, if I do say so myself.

My health improved so much - my starting BMI was 52 and a lifetime of obesity was taking it's toll!

My day to day life is just so much easier. I can run up a hill, I can chase after my dog, I can mount my horse from the ground, I can crawl in and out of the bed of my pickup truck...etc

I never saw myself as a social recluse, but now that I am normal sized...OMG... I was missing out on so much in life before and I didn't even know it!

Are there downsides, well yes. I am more prone to stomach upsets/issues. I have gone through times of severe Constipation and times of loose BMs - although the last year i have been fine. I really really have to work hard to maintain my 150#++ weight loss - dammit - it wasn't a magical cure!

I would do it again 100 times if I had to.

I am so serious about that - if for some reason I can't maintain my losses with the sleeve, i will revise to the DS.

I wish the sleeve had been available to me a long time ago... I just turned 51 and in some ways my life has "restarted" in the last couple of years.

I am half my former size. It isn't just how I look, it is more about the burden of lugging the weigh of a normal sized man around on top of my "normal" weight. It is a wonder i could still function when I was so big.. I am so grateful for weight loss surgery now.

I know how difficult this is, I know it is hard to judge if you are "ready" but I am an analytical person and in the end it was logic that got me over my fears.

No WLS: 100% chance of early death and disability (I was already becoming disabled, so no joke)

WLS: x% chance of serious complication or death; xx% chance of less serious complications

It was a no brainer for me when I looked at it that way.

[Chrystee 838]

I went through this from January until my surgery date March 18th of this year.. Sort of a real depression/anxiety.. I knew I was making the right choice.. but what if I died.. I have young kids.. was I TRULY at the point that I was ok with that risk.. or what if something bad happened.. I was mad and angry that I HAD to go through it.. I was snappy with everyone, and felt like I was on edge.. I told a friend I felt like I had been PMS'ing the entire 2.5 months..

I prayed.. a lot.. I ate.. a LOT. It seems almost cruel to put someone on a strict 6 month diet before something like this.. however I'm SO happy I did what I did. Everything went swimminly.. I feel amazing. I'm able to do things I dreamt about, physically.. I can really achieve my dreams and goals one day. I also notice some people go through this depression/anxiety right after surgery.. or in a year after.. I'm so glad I went through it before.

[SoCalLeslie 16]

@@choosehope I see so much of my situation in your post, so thank you for sharing. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who is having these feelings. I started the process in February, going through the motions just fine. Then as my surgery date neared, I started having those feelings too - I must have asked myself if I'm doing the right thing 100 times. And similar to @@CowgirlJane I worried about failing again. What if I go through all this and nothing changes?

At my last pre-op appt there were two people in the waiting room I recognized from one of my classes. I asked them if they were excited. Yes, they were. I thought to myself, I'm not feeling excited at all. What's wrong with me? Am I making the wrong decision? My surgery was scheduled for this past Monday. I got to the surgery center only to be told my surgery had been cancelled. My immediate thought: this is a sign. I'm not supposed to do this. Then the surgeon came out and talked to me. He reassured me I'm doing the right thing for my health. I don't know if that's what did it, but now I feel good about my decision and dare I say, even a little excited! (Surgery is happening this Friday.)

I think it's normal to be nervous and have doubts. During the time when I was still in the "am I doing the right thing?" phase I was focused mainly on what I'd be giving up - my favorite burrito, ice cream, pizza. food has been my best friend for most of my life. Now what I've started to focus on are the good things that will come into my life after surgery - being able to walk without knee pain, more self confidence, no more BP meds, more energy, etc. I want to actually write out a list and hang it up where I can see it everyday.

It does worry me too about what my eating routine will be like. But I've decided to take it one day at a time. I'm not going to let worrying about that bring me down. Is there a support group near you? If not, as you can see there are plenty of people on this board with great advice. I only joined yesterday and am already feeling so grateful for the support I've received.

In the end, only you can decide what is the right decision for you. What helped me the most was talking with people who have already gone through this and also encouragement from my best friend (who is thin). She once told me, "Do nothing, and nothing will change." Amen.

Good luck!

[choosehope 233]

This is why I love Bariatric Pal! I hoped I could express my honest feelings here and find others who could understand but also help me see to the other side. And, here you all are! My favorite thread has been "what I won't miss about being fat" or something to that effect. I was making my own list and got lazy. Need to keep focusing on that. Can't imagine the freedom to go and do

what I want without fear. Of being able to walk and move freely without my knees hurting all the time! Of

Not living in fear of getting diabetes, heart disease. It's so easy for me to dwell in the land of "what ifs" and to think of the negative possibilities instead of all the exciting possibilities! A trip to Disneyworld unencumbered. A hiking and camping trip with friends! Swimming! White Water rafting! Walking up the steps to the Lincoln Memorial! A donkey ride in the Grand Canyon! I can create a whole new bucket list. Like you have all said, I need to take it one day at a time. I've lived with disability and daily pain for the last seven years. If I had known it was coming, I wouldn't have thought I'd be able to deal with it, but I have. So whatever comes, I'll deal with it as it comes. Not saying I won't still have to come back here for cheerleading and support, but thank you for helping

me to start making mental shifts. Hugs to all!

[Sajijoma 1,324]

Sending love and prayers. I think for all of us, this is something we really will struggle with. I've been severely overweight most of my life. I don't know anything else. I'm not sure I'll know how to deal with people and the world as a whole without my fat suit. It'll be like walking around naked! All I can really suggest is that you take it one day at a time, one problem at a time, and use your support. Get involved in a post op support group through your hospital and really just stay with them and use them. Many of them have been where you are and can help you navigate that territory.