Boyfriend's mom doubts my potential success.

[meowmers 16]

I was sleeved one month ago. I've been with my boyfriend for two years. Him and I are very different, and our families are very different. My family is very inclusive (Come on over for dinner! Invite him to Christmas! Bring him on vacation!), while his family rarely invites me to things, and shows little to no interest in getting to know me. This has been a problem in our relationship, but I really do love him.

Ever since I told his mother in December that I was going through the motions to get WLS, I have received a barage of "How much have you lost", "You need to be careful", "So many people gain back the weight", "You have such a pretty face" and tons of other know-it-all comments. At first I brushed this off as motherly concern, but my boyfriend recently let me know that she has expressed in private that she is concerned I can't control myself and WILL gain back my weight. She wants my boyfriend to watch out for that. He defended me but trust me this woman is stubborn.

This hurts so me much because I've only met this woman 4-5 times. I've tried to explain my journey, newfound motivation, and focus to her - but even after making this drastic lifestyle change to lose weight, I can't help but feel she is still judging me as a stereotypical obese person with no self control. I had surgery a month ago, what does this lady expect from me already? Sheesh.

I am pretty open about my surgery to anyone who wants to know about it - I have nothing to hide... but crap like this is making me wish I told nobody. It is a double edged sword - because once people know, they are expecting change.

Any advice?

TL;DR: Boyfriends mom never liked me because I was too fat for her son, now post-op, she still is afraid I will be too fat for her son.

Edited July 21, 2015 by meowmers

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Stop caring.

I know that sounds flip, but in the grand scheme of things, how does HER opinion of your decision and your weight loss journey really affect you unless you allow it to?

She might hurt your feelings, but she won't change your progress unless you allow her to. I try to cut negativity out of my life -- sounds like I'd not be too anxious to know her, personally.

[The Candidate 3,215]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through! It's hard when those close to you, or in this case, those who are close to those close to you, don't support your personal decision to have WLS surgery.

But the fact that you say she and others in your boyfriend's family weren't exactly treating you nice before, by excluding you from functions and such, says a lot. You're dating her son and for some moms no one will ever be good enough for their son. And maybe others in the family are just following her lead. Which pretty much says she was bound and determined for you to fail from the moment you told her. The fact that she then had to repeat that belief to her son who then told you, is very sad.

There are some people in life that you are just never going to please, or change the nature of their built in prejudices and biases. So stop trying, because you'll only going to make yourself miserable. You made this decision to change your life and health for the better, never stray from that resolve and you'll do fine!

And if you really want to prove something to her, go on to lose the weight, and keep it off as you planned to do in the first place! One thing she'll never be able to get past is irrefutable proof that it worked! Bet she'll shut up about the matter after that! You hang in there! You deserve this and you are going to be spectacular!

Edited July 11, 2015 by The Candidate

[laguerr13 993]

@ meowmers : please don't take this the wrong way, but I learned many years ago that the people that really matter are the ones that give back, love, respect, care, etc., and it's not always going to be your family, in all honesty you are never going to be good enough for her son, she has already made her judgement on who and what you are, it doesn't matter if your white, black, skinny, fat, she will always find fault with you, at least you know this sooner than later, this like many other things is very important to your health and longevity, if you love this gentleman you will need to lay boundaries as to you and his mother, you do what you have to do and count your blessings that you have such a wonderful family, I had a very hard childhood, but I took the positives and left out the abuse and treat my family as such, I am a Hispanic and I was very obese when I met my wife, she was my complete opposite, blonde, blue eyes, slim, beautiful, and she and me just had that magic, and the bonus, she is originally from South Africa and her whole family has taught me what real family is, her mom and dad love me as their own, and my sister in law Even sent part of the money I needed for the surgery from the UK, go for it, do what you have to do , bitter, miserable people ironically cant do it without others!!!!!

Edited July 11, 2015 by laguerr13

[CloserToFine 172]

Other people's negativity -- no matter who they are -- is added weight we just don't need to carry!

Keep moving forward, because you can and you will!

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Well bless her heart. She just sounds like a real peach.

[laguerr13 993]

That's why your one of my favs surfer Girl lmao

[Mandyctr 75]

She is judging you as a stereotypical obese person. A lot of people will. It's pretty gross. My husbands mother did that to new when he and I first got serious. She even suggested he break it off with me because she thought I'd be a lazy wife and mother. And this woman is stubborn too (this was 7 years ago, I've only been sleeved just under 3mos). When he told me that (he was disgusted with his mother) I made a really great decision. I decided her judgmental attitude was her problem and not mine. I love myself and my (now) husband love me so no one else really matters. I let it go and didn't hold it against her. And guess what.............she LOVES me now (even before my surgery, she could have cared less about that). We are really close, she brags about me as a wife and mother and tells her daughters to call me for life and parenting advice. My husband and sisters in law have said I'm the only thing on the planet she's ever changed her mind about. It's not because I'm amazing or anything, it's because she got to know me and realized how being overweight was a stupid thing to judge over. I'm glad I didn't hold it against her too because we've had a fun relationship we would have missed out on. And even if your story doesn't turn out as well, you still have a choice in whether or not you let this get to you. Free yourself of her judgement because you can't control her, just you. Good luck.

[ShrinkingPeach 1,291]

Know that her comments are more about her than about you. Somewhere deep inside her she is very insecure. You have made a great decision and you will be successful. Now don't be surprised if, once you are at your goal weight, she finds something else to complain about. Do this for you and not anyone else! Good luck and great going!!

[The Candidate 3,215]

@@Mandyctr The only thing you got wrong in your post is when you said "It's not because I'm amazing or anything."

You're beyond amazing and it showed through with every word you shared! Definitely words to live by!

Thank you!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

What @@LipstickLady said: Stop caring.

You can't make anyone love or admire you. You can screw yourself up badly if you try to do so.

Your opinion of yourself is what matters. That is the only thing that matters. If you try to change her opinion of you you're agreeing that her opinion of you really does matter.

It does not.

[GirlOnFire 111]

Here's my advice.... Lose weight. It's what you want for yourself anyway and it will shut her the hell up. In the meantime you either have to ignore her insulting comments or tell her woman to woman that you don't appreciate the things she says to you or your boyfriend about your wls.

[meowmers 16]

@@laguerr13 You are totally right... I am just coming to terms that if I choose to stay with & marry my boyfriend one day, his family is not going to be an additional support system. I've always imagined my future spouses family were going to be like a second family to me.

I guess in time I will realize if I am going to accept & live with it, or not.

[laguerr13 993]

I still get very depressed over the loss of my family, father , brother, mom, And my step daughter, but my wife is very smart as well as gorgeous and reminds me quickly that " family is what you make of those close around you" prioritize, first your health and surgery, then you need to have a heart to heart with your boyfriend and decide if you are going to handle it together, hold no grudges or bitterness, just be happy to be that your in a good place and live your life, that is a great vaccine for miserable people around you!

[NthQldAus 22]

I really wouldn't worry about it. At all.

Don't lower your own polite standards, and if she's not willing to accept you, accept it and take the moral high ground. Be polite and nice to her. You're going out with her son, not her.

And besides just think, its you and your bf who'll decide what crappy care home she ends up in.... start planning