OLD dating after surgery, and question about ghosting

[pleasecoffee 9]

so 2015 is a year of change for me. I had surgery, finalized my divorce, got a drastic haircut, put my kids in charter school, and fixed my relationship with my parents.

so I want to start dating again. I have been catfished quite a bit, ghosted several times, but I finally have started talking to someone via text and phone. I have not told him about my WLS (RNY), but we get along great when we talk. he hasn't texted me first in the last week. And I am trying to hold out. I did text him yesterday just to say hi, and that conversation lasted maybe 20 messages. it's not like we can just get together either, he lives in another state 4 hrs away. But he is in town at least twice a month.

I think he is fading, or looking for someone closer to him

my thing is how do you get over the rejection, the constant rejection of fading. I have yet to meet anyone face to face. And when do you tell them about the surgery? Things have changed so much since I was in the dating scene 15 years ago.

sorry if I am rambling, but I just need to get this off my chest. and I'm kind of confused about the whole dating process in general.

[James Marusek 5,244]

I guess I must really be getting old. I don't even know what the term catfished or ghosted means. Anyways I don't think WLS is any kind of deal breaker. You may want to meet someone in person before you decide to open up about your weight loss surgery.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Congrats on all the positive changes you have made. Trying to find a long term partner via dating is a process akin to preparation for your surgery and life after. At some point you might want to explain the surgery, but I wouldn't lead with it. Enjoy getting to know someone. Your sleeve doesn't define you. It was a positive change you made.

Here are some hints I created on online dating...http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/336754-unsolicited-online-dating-advice/

It might be helpful. Finding the right person is trial and error. Just because one person doesn't work out doesn't mean it is the end of the world, it is just one person making a decision about what is right for them. You will be doing the same thing.

[sleeveless 1962 7]

Maybe we should start a dating club here lol

[AvaFern 3,516]

So...I wrote you a long post about how I met my boyfriend online and how everyone gets rejected online, but I erased it because ultimately it's boring and something you may not care about. Best advice...go read the book "Why Men Love B*tch*s" and then the other book "Why Men Marry B*tch*s". Contrary to what it sounds like from the title, the book is all about putting yourself first when it comes to dating and how a man has no interest in a woman that chases him. And before the men reading this have a fit...read the book first before you judge!!

In your case, if you're initiating all of the texts, then he's just not that into you (also a book worth reading). If a man is not willing to chase you, then he doesn't want you. Give yourself the respect you deserve and let the man come after you. Men like a chase...let them have it. I get that this is a bit old school, but it's true. I've dated a lot...mostly in college when I was thin and hot (now I'm just older (31) and thin, but not so hot, lol), and universally I have found that if you're the one doing the chasing, the relationship is never going to work. Be sweet, be honest and sincere, but don't ever be a doormat. Have your own life and a man worthy of your time will be happy to text you first almost every time.

Good luck!

[gowalking 10,790]

I've been on dating sites for just over a year. I've only told a handful of the men I've dating about the surgery. Usually if we're on the third date or more, I'll tell. I figure if I'm going out at least three or four times, there's something there. I show them an old photo and tell them I have the lapband. I've never been rejected based on my former weight issue that I can tell. The basic reaction has been positive and I'm usually pretty good at telling once we've established a connection.

[Maddiee 29]

2 years ago i met my boyfriend on tinder a stupid app I used to pass the time as I worked and traveled back and forth in London if you know of the app you will see the likely hoods of finding a genuine guy looking for a relationships usually quite slim...

Never had used a dating site before back then I was us size 8 mixed race long hair loved to laugh yet still ridiculously shy as anything we text for 2 months every evening on the daily commute train ride home before I met him... He too used to live out of town fast forward today we are engaged and he's supporting my choice for weight loss surgery

Point, you have come along way in your journey to change, be proud of your accomplishments as you are beautiful and you will meet a man that will love you for who you are enjoy getting to know him text away!

[AvaFern 3,516]

@@Maddiee

I met my boyfriend on Tinder too! Lol, he was the only guy that I actually went on a date with and he stuck around for months before we ever progressed to anything that most other people on Tinder are looking for the first meet-up. I didn't realize Tinder was a hook-up app until well past the point that he and I had started talking. Goes to show you can meet someone anywhere, lol.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

@@pleasecoffee congratulations on so many positive changes!

I am going to challenge you on something. You have labeled it ghosting....but I thought that was when a person in a relationship just drops out of contact, stops taking calls etc with no closure. You DON'T have a relationship with a person you're casually chatting with online. I fade away from potential dates all the time. I get busy, they say something that strikes me wrong,who knows why and I just drop contact. Guys do it to me sometimes too it is just normal sorting process of online dating. I don't consider it ghosting in the least. I don't know what catfishing means but same concept...don't take it so seriously.

I have to admit that while I of course enjoy being pursued/woo'd even a hint of desperation turns me off. I went on 3dates with someone -dinner, hike and then I took him where I like to go to live music. I enjoyed his company, he is very fit, family oriented, attractive, - on paper just what I might like. In reality he drove me nuts..constant texts, phone calls,pressing me for the next date etc. He is obviously very lonely has no friends outside his relatives, has no hobbies besides fitness...you get the picture. After our live music evening when I recognised he is socially uncomfortable in groups I just knew he isn't right for me. Nice nice man but most people are turned off by that crushing feeling of a complete stranger looking to you as the primary source for entertainment,companionship etc. I am guessing men are even more prone to this"claustrophobia" reaction.

So I am having the most dating success ever right now. I havent found "the one" but going to music, hikes, kayaking etc.and just enjoying the journey and seeing how it unfolds. I am open but not really seeking anything in particular (that did not work too well for me in the past). So I am 5# over goal, 20# over my skinniest weight, a year older****disadvantages*** but they are waiting in line to take me out. I attribute it to the new attitude.

[gowalking 10,790]

Was out on a date last night with a guy I've been seeing for a couple of months. Not serious yet but inching forward per my personal preference. He told me that what attracts him to me other than the obvious (he likes small and cute and thinks I am..lol), he likes that I am positive and not looking to fill a void in my life with a man/relationship. As CowGirlJane says, desperation is a turnoff. Doesn't mean you have to be perfect. No one is...and I have alot of baggage due to my mobility issues/chronic pain, and former obesity. But the fact that I'm excited by life, and have a well rounded group of friends and family to fulfill me is very attractive to a man. I don't need a man, I'd like to have a man as part of my life. They seem to gravitate towards women like that. I know I look for the same thing. Not interested in anyone who is looking to me to fulfill them. It's too tiring...I did that once already and won't make the same mistake again.

[woo woo 872]

Catfishing is when someone pretends to be someone else using fake pictures and information.

There is a movie and tv show about it called Catfish (hence the term 'catfish').

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I am not dating right now, nor have I in a long time, so take this with a grain of salt.

I know many people who have met "the one" online. But, don't forget about more traditional ways of meeting people. Do things you enjoy: hobbies, sports, classes, clubs, church, volunteering, etc.

If you go out and do what makes you happy you are more likely to meet people who have similar interests and values.

[utahgirll 81]

Good for you for all the great changes you are making.

I echo the thought of some of the others... don't pursue too hard. Never seems to work.

And, as much as you think these are relationships, and they are of a sort, but face to face is real. Might I suggest you try www.meetup.com. it is not a 'dating site' in that usual way, it is more a 'hang out at an event or concert and have fun with lots of like minded people'. It is free to join, and then just go to some of the events listed that interest you. I have had some great times, met people in a non stressful way, and dated a few too. There are so many types of meetups to go to, at least in my city. Give it a try, it is non threatening and fun.

Best of luck

[catfish87 3,471]

There is a movie and tv show about it called Catfish (hence the term 'catfish').

I think I should have copyrighted my nickname back in the 90's......

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