8 months out, grieving my dad, and struggling

[tiredmama 138]

My first 6 months after surgery went very smoothly. I lost 55 pounds and felt great. My weight loss had slowed down considerably but I was still losing, especially when I increased my activity level and stayed away from sugary foods.

Then three weeks ago my father died. It was completely unexpected and sudden. He was only 69. We loved each unconditionally and were very close. I'm starting to get past the initial shock but still grieving deeply and I am turning to food to cope. I see myself doing it and try to resist but I have no willpower right now. Eating junk, grazing, not following the "Protein first" rule. I've also stopped exercising.

My dad struggled with obesity his entire life. The last ten years of his life were especially difficult because of chronic hip and back pain and limited mobility. I tried to convince him to consider weight loss surgery but he was too afraid of going under the knife. He was incredibly proud of me for taking control of my health and cheered me on at every stage. He died from an undetected blood clot in his leg.

I know the best way to honor my father's memory is to get back on track. But my lifelong habit of turning to food for comfort is rearing its ugly head and I haven't developed alternate ways of dealing with my sadness that are nearly as powerful and there's such a strong feeling of emptiness. I told myself I could have a week "off", then another one, but now it's been 3 weeks and I am getting really scared that I will sabotage myself and stop losing and the extra pounds will creep back on. I realize how stupid it is to try to numb my pain with ice cream and chips when what I actually want is my dad back but he is gone and I don't know how to find strength and self-control and discipline when I feel so vulnerable and lost. I am angry that surgery wasn't enough to take away the daily struggle. I need to be an adult and take responsibility for myself and my health but it's hard to do that when I feel like an orphan who is scared and alone.

I will see my doctor for my 9 month check up in a couple of weeks and I will ask for a referral to a therapist who is knowledgeable about bariatrics. I am not in any danger- I know the difference between grieving and depression and I know that with time my sadness will become less intense. Just not quite sure what to do with myself in the meantime and afraid of missing out on whatever weight loss "honeymoon period" I might have left. Any advice for me? Thanks for listening!

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

Sit yourself down and come up with a list of things to do instead of turning to food. Call it

'When I miss dad I will..." or something like that. remind yourself that doing these things is the best way to honor your father. I am so sorry for your lost. Hopefully the doctor can connect you with some good help. If you still find yourself struggling, don;t wait for that 9 mth appointment. Call the doctor and request that referral ASAP.

[Boblee 8]

Tired momma - I too lost my dad recently, November 28th. So I know the feelings that are hitting you. For me sometimes I would be ok then out of the blue a memory or thought would bring it to the forefront. Those times are tough but what I do sometimes is this. I get on my elliptical, tears streaming down my face and the whole time I am on the elliptical I say a mantra "dad, this is for you, I can't do it for me right now, but to honor you and to show you that I did not give up on our dreams". I just keep saying that over mad over the whole time. You are grieving. That is normal and healthy. Eating sweets and chips would have probably had your dad frowning at you. Let's make him smile!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

So sorry you're hurting.

But it does sound like you have a great plan to address your issues.

Smart, smart lady.

I imagine your dad would be very proud of you.

[Pepper123 320]

I lost my dad on 8/31/14 quite suddenly..due to poor circulation and blood clots in his legs..Dad was in great shape except, this is inherited from his mom to her children...i had to put off my surgery...It was a shock of our lives...We all are still dealing with this...Try seeking some help ,talk to some one it does help...Loosing a parent is soo devastating especially when it suddenly....I wish u all the best...Hugs!!

Edited March 22, 2015 by Pepper123

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

Life is tough. Gets tougher with age. So how do we deal with it? For me personally, my faith in Jesus sees me through it all. May I suggest you ask your father (who will always be with you) to walk with you. Eat with you. Be beside you through everything you do and are going through. Ask him to exercise with you, SEE him next to you as you do your routine, eat your meals and go through your day. His spirit is always with you, you just can't physically see him anymore. But you know him well enough to know he would never leave you. God Bless you, and have peace.

[Debbieduck4 399]

I'm so sorry for your loss <3 The first thing I would say is to extend grace to yourself. It's only been 3 weeks. It will take time to heal, to grieve, to find some resemblance of normalcy again. When we go through traumatic events we reach for things that make us feel a little better, and in the past it sounds like some foods did that for you. It might be good to find new ways to cope like listening to music (your's or dad's favorite), petting an animal, taking a walk, taking a nap, calling a friend, etc. What helped me the most when my dad passed though was spending time with other people who also loved him as much as I did, talking about him, remembering funny moments, sharing stories, and just grieving together. It will get easier, and when it does you will get back on track with this weight loss thing. Just try to do the best you can... Sending love and prayers.