My husband is not attracted to me - 2 weeks post-op

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Bariatric surgery definitely exposes the hidden dynamics in a relationship. Instead of thinking "I love him, so why does he treat me this way?" start thinking "Why would I love someone who treats me this way?" I am guessing that he resisted you getting surgery in the first place. Go for the revenge factor and get as sexy and sassy as you want to be. You have made the first step in taking control of your health. Don't give any of your power over you life away to him or anyone else.

I threw two ex-husbands to the curb. The first one was my high-school sweet-heart and we were married 23 years. He got a mid-life crisis, and I got to worry about him bringing home other womens' germs to me. His response to my baby weight gain from having kids was that I had become too ugly to live.

My second ex-husband of ten years was totally controlling and began to mistake me for a punching bag. so, see ya - wouldn't wanna be ya, restraining order and all.

After taking two years off from men and relationships, so that I could get to know my own self. I had to learn what kind of music I liked, what my own favorite foods were, what did I want to watch on TV if no one else was barging in and changing the channels, who I was when no one else influenced my decisions. Could I make it on my own. Was being alone better that being with an a**?

I met my gentleman friend of eight years, now. he is a gift from God, and totally supportive of anything I want to do.

What I am saying is that if his response is an indication of how he was feeling about you anyway, then I would suggest keeping a notebook / diary hidden away. Write down his snarky comments so that you can review it later to remind yourself that it is not your imagination and he is hurting your feelings on purpose. My diary was a valuable tool at the divorce hearing. In a Walmart he told me that he was sick and tired of looking at my ugly face. That's when I realized that his private humiliation of me was going public.

If your man is just insecure, he will apologize. But I'll tell you this...my first ex would rather have choked to death than to ever say he was sorry for hurting my feelings. You have a lot to think about. There are good men and women out there who will treat us decently. Life is too short to live with a jerk.

[marbelvsg 132]

I want to thank everyone for their advice and encouragement. I spoke to my husband about that comment today. I told him how shocked I was and how much it hurt. He said that he meant that seeing me in such a fragile state and knowing how much pain I'm still in, he is afraid to hurt me. Other than that comment, he has been wonderful during this process. Maybe I misinterpreted his comments, maybe not. I believe his explanation for now and we'll see. I remain focused on myself and the positive changes that I am making. Than you all!

[WillyBoo 23]

I am so happy you came back and updated. I just had a feeling that is where he was coming from and am glad that you were able to talk it through with him.

[kyrickchick64 468]

Good. Glad he got that straightened out. He better be good to you. Men sometimes don't have the common sense not to say what's going on in their heads. Mine put his foot into it the other night. He was verwy verwy soorrryyyy. Cause when momma ain't happy NO ONE is happy.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,357]

He said that to get exactly the response he did. He is a shallow individual who wants to test the boundaries of your relationship and maybe already has.

Skin deep. What a narrow minded ,selfish partner. You deserve much better. I am so mad at even the thought that he could be so cruel when you are changing for the good. When you feel better about yourself and things turn around for you, we will see who can take the inner part of an abusive man.

Keep going forward and onward with your goals to good health and well being....You may want to lose the excess weight that is being so unbelievably self centered and selfish....

Sorry..but what a prick!

[samuelsmom 670]

Spouses can and do say stupid things. I am so glad you went and spoke with him. In marriage we all need "grace." I hope it all works out!

[Miss Mac 6,261]

RJ's comment about a prick reminded me of something funny. Years ago, I was at a new doctor's office getting a blood draw for a new patient profile. The lab tech said "You are going to feel a little prick". Without thinking, I said "My ex-husband was a little prick!"

Now, just for the information, when you have a private moment at your computer, look up The Cycle of Abuse, which works for emotional and mental abuse as well as physical. It has four stages:

1. Abuse occurs.....person strikes you, insults you, denies medical attention, whatever.

2. Reconciliation.....you express that you have been hurt, want counselling, might even leave if this doesn't stop.

partner is sorry, brings you flowers or a gift, promises to make it up to, it will never happen again, I was just tired, hungry, scared, sugar was low, bla de bla bla blah. With my ex, he wanted ME to prove to HIM that I still loved him, by doing humiliating things that only satisified his personal perversions. It did not make me feel better, it just handed the power back to him.

3.Calm again for a while, but you are on pins and needles not knowing when you will do or say something that sets that person off again. With my ex, the rules always changed. It was really difficult to keep track of what all of his obsessive, compulsive rules were (just like in sleeping With the Enemy). And it does not take much for this to occur. Once, I was setting dinner on the table and he took the bowl of green Beans and threw them on the floor. "You always ruin EVERY meal with vegetables."

Abuse occurs again. When I said you were too ugly to live, I was just JOKING. Can't you take a joke? You were more fun when you drank more. I wish I could beat the G*d da*n S**t out of you. (In court he was charged with a terroristic threat of a specific nature).

Anyway, it is a cycle that repeats over and over. It escalates, never retreats. My escuse for staying ten years too long in that ten-year marriage was 1) I did not want to admit failure and 2) He did not hit me.......................until he hit me.

Listen, you can take his apology for what it's wirth, but keep you antennaes out for a deeper meaning to his behavior. You will find a lot of good info from professional sources online to help you put this issue in perspective.

Hugs from Chicago.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

I do not know what happened to the spacing on my comment. I did not type it that way.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I caution everyone to be careful about judging a whole relationship from a single post. I do think there is alot to think about though because that cycle of abuse BS is absolutely true and everyone in a relationship should be quite aware of if the person they love deserves it. That's how they manipulate you! But of course, who knows if this applies to the original poster.

When I had plastics (you wanna talk about drains and incisions!!!) I was dating someone - I guess we were about 6 months into it and he tried to talk me out of doing it. It was the "you don't need it", all middle age women have some extra skin, etc etc, but i was doing it for me, not for anyone else and he knew I was committed. About 6 weeks before my plastics, he became very encouraging, positive. He would say things like "you look like a million bucks now, after your surgery you are gonna look like a billion!" Basically, he wanted me to be happy and do what I felt I wanted even if he didn't agree. He also told me that he was easily "freaked out" by medical stuff so I never let him see the drains. He did of course see the scars and... and he was fine with it. I dated him for quite awhile even after that and the only time he brought the scars up was to just mention that he didn't even see them and just thought I look amazing. I did ask him once... many months post plastics if he thought it was worth it. And he was like "oh ya, I had no idea it could turn out so good - you just look incredible"

See, that is supportive.

My drains and the nasty business of surgery was something I chose to not share with him, but then again, we were not married or living together so a different situation.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Miss Mac, that is absolutely terrible and I so appreciate you share your story. If one woman makes a decision to have a healthy relationship over an abusive one as a result... you have changed the world, for her, her kids, her loved ones.

[Garifab_VSG 122]

I caution everyone to be careful about judging a whole relationship from a single post.

I agree, because this ...

I'd seriously consider taking a long hard look at my relationship if I were in your shoes. To me, it sounds as if you two could use a long talk and some couples counseling.

What if you had been in a serious car accident that required reconstructive surgery? What if you had appendicitis or a tumor that required surgery? What if you needed a stint or a transplant? Would he find you unattractive for any of those reasons?

My husband loves me fat, thin, with scars, without, hairy legs, overgrown eyebrows, roots showing, gassy, greasy haired, in sweats, with zits.... He's in for the long haul. If something came up cosmetically that he changed his mind, I am fairly certain the change of heart would be more than skin deep.

... was not exactly what the OP was saying. She didn't say he didn't love her anymore, just that he had an issue with being attracted. Love and attraction are not one and the same. And thankfully that was clarified, because now I can understand better what he meant.

Attraction is a crazy thing. You can deeply love someone and still be turned off by something, and it could totally be temporary, and that is also TOTALLY normal, and OK. Had the OP not followed up, I would have given the advice of ... just give him some time.

Edited March 2, 2015 by Garifab_VSG

[jillstl 55]

Maya Angelou said it best:

"People will forget what you said, they will forget what you did.

but they will never forget how you made them feel."

I used to manipulate my husband early in our marriage, just to get him to say what I was feeling in a given moment. Example: Honey, I promise I won't get mad, but be honest...you don't find my weight attractive do you? I know you love me regardless and are attracted to me but you'd find me even sexier thin right? Then if he said yes...I'd say, "I knew my weight bothered you!" Incisions aren't sexy...drains aren't either...but you heal and it's just a little scar. You will feel so much better and look great. You will however, likely remember those words and be more self-assured...then look out husband! This is for you and not him...:-)

[Stevehud 1,790]

I'd like to apologize for men everyone, since I am one. But so many of us are evidently complete buttholes. I cannot imagine the situations lot of people on here have been put in by their male spouses. It is disheartening to see how badly many of you have been or are being treated.

If I could apologize for all men I would. All I can say is none of you deserve to be mistreated like that and i truly wish you all well.

I hope it all works out.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I agree, because this ...

... was not exactly what the OP was saying. She didn't say he didn't love her anymore, just that he had an issue with being attracted. Love and attraction are not one and the same. And thankfully that was clarified, because now I can understand better what he meant.

Attraction is a crazy thing. You can deeply love someone and still be turned off by something, and it could totally be temporary, and that is also TOTALLY normal, and OK. Had the OP not followed up, I would have given the advice of ... just give him some time.

Mmmmmm.... I disagree. My husband is attracted to me because he loves ME -- my personality, my spirit, my attitude, who I am. His initial attraction was physical but he fell in love with who I am on the inside, not what I look like on the outside.

I am NOT saying the OP's husband does not love her, I am simply saying that in a strong relationship, attraction doesn't just "go away" because of something superficial. If it does go away for "something on the surface", I'd bet money there's a lot more going on than something superficial.

[gal friday 176]

He said that to get exactly the response he did. He is a shallow individual who wants to test the boundaries of your relationship and maybe already has.

Skin deep. What a narrow minded ,selfish partner. You deserve much better. I am so mad at even the thought that he could be so cruel when you are changing for the good. When you feel better about yourself and things turn around for you, we will see who can take the inner part of an abusive man.

Keep going forward and onward with your goals to good health and well being....You may want to lose the excess weight that is being so unbelievably self centered and selfish....

Sorry..but what a prick!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't know the OP, we don't know her husband, and we don't know her marriage. We weren't there for the original conversation - as a therapist, I can tell you that things like tone of voice, inflection, and the couple's previous pattern of communication play a very large role in the underlying meaning of a particular conversation and/or statement. We have no context, and you are making WILD accusations based on uninformed assumptions.

As a wife and mother, I can tell you this - men say the stupidest things. My husband is an EXCELLENT communicator, and yet I watch him put his foot in his mouth all the time. I have relatives who are lawyers who have SUCCESSFULLY argued before the Supreme Court of the United States and one who was the Chief Justice of a state supreme court (appointed by President Truman himself!), and I have watched every single one of them put their foot in their mouth while trying (but failing) to communicate with their wives, and then enduring the silent treatment until they figured out that maybe they should have worded what they said better and then fixed it. (And nobody can do the silent treatment better than my great aunt Harriet!)

Men are great, but their brains are fundamentally different from those of women, which has many advantages, but some distinct disadvantages, including diminished interpersonal communication skills. If I had to guess, I would say that the OP's husband is not an abusive monster, but instead (as I previously suggested) your typical husband, overwhelmed by emotions of concern for his wife, and unable to put the right words to how he was feeling. Consequently, it all came out wrong. Most husbands are NOT abusive, but in my professional (and personal) opinion, they are all pretty good at jamming their foot pretty far into their mouths sometimes.

Sorry men, I love you all, it's just a Y chromosome thing.

OP, I'm glad to hear that your husband was able to better clarify his feelings and they were not meant to be hurtful. My husband felt the same way in the beginning. It's a good thing that I didn't want sex in the early weeks post-op, because he would have been far too concerned for my welfare to even consider trying. All he wanted to do was make sure I was getting my fluids and protein!