Intimacy

[green 6]

" Give him a blow job for heaven's sake."

I have a little information for you. My husband was molested by his brother violently from the age of 2 years old to the age of 17 years old. In that abuse he had to endure anal rape and forced "blow jobs" as you put it. Two years ago we found out that our 14 year old son was forcing our 10 year old daughter into giving him oral sex. Do you really think my husband wants anyone in that area of his body. My husband and I do not have sex because he was really messed up from what his brother did to him and then finding out what his son did to his daughter. He also cheated on me and has a lot of guilt from that. S simple blow job does not fix everything and not all men enjoy that.

I am sorry to those of you that may have been hurt by what has been said in this post but I feel it needed to be said .

Oh, rrod, I believe that all of us who are posting on this site are here because we either have or still are wearing the T-shirt of marital dysfunction. My response to Apple was prompted after reading her post and then noting that she was 19 years old. When I was 19 I could not imagine how men and women could end up in, well, these sort of situations. My take on the sexuality of couples was that normo couples were up for endless boning and always would be until they died if given the opportunity.

Man, was I shocked to learn after I was first married, and this was after 2 years of fabulous furtive pre-marital boning, that I was so bored by the activity that I would rather read the telephone book than bone. I do have the attention span of that gnat.

What I was hoping to convey to Apple was that men's sexuality is not always a sure-fire thing. Men can find themselves unable or unwilling to bone for all sorts of reasons. They are stuck with a problem which women do not have. They have this reputation of being horndogs to uphold and this adds to additional stress on a man.

A woman is always free to say no without her motives being questioned. But as you can see from Apple's post this is not the case for men. When a man just does not want to bone it is assumed that he is either gay or unfaithful. In fact we are short-changing men when we view them as just bone-machines. Men have feelings, too.

[rrod0991 0]

Oh, rrod, I believe that all of us who are posting on this site are here because we either have or still are wearing the T-shirt of marital dysfunction. My response to Apple was prompted after reading her post and then noting that she was 19 years old. When I was 19 I could not imagine how men and women could end up in, well, these sort of situations. My take on the sexuality of couples was that normo couples were up for endless boning and always would be until they died if given the opportunity.

Man, was I shocked to learn after I was first married, and this was after 2 years of fabulous furtive pre-marital boning, that I was so bored by the activity that I would rather read the telephone book than bone. I do have the attention span of that gnat.

What I was hoping to convey to Apple was that men's sexuality is not always a sure-fire thing. Men can find themselves unable or unwilling to bone for all sorts of reasons. They are stuck with a problem which women do not have. They have this reputation of being horn dogs to uphold and this adds to additional stress on a man.

A woman is always free to say no without her motives being questioned. But as you can see from Apple's post this is not the case for men. When a man just does not want to bone it is assumed that he is either gay or unfaithful. In fact we are short-changing men when we view them as just bone-machines. Men have feelings, too.

I completely agree with you Green, but she needs to understand that things can be hurtful to others even if they are made of ignorance or in fun. I am not here to police anyone, I was trying to tell her that words can be hurtful. After being married almost 13 years I couldn't tell you the last time I was alone and naked with my husband at the same time. At 19 it all seems so important but when you get older you realize there is more to a relationship than that. I am not looking for sympathy for my husband or daughter. I was looking to open her eyes to other reasons why a man may not want it.

[Big Fred 0]

I thought I would interject a males perspective.

Having been married for 29 years to a great loving woman I can honestly say that sex is only a small part of our lives. Don't get me wrong, being intimate is certainly fantastic. There are other ways of being togehter, just a simple hug or cuddle at night can make you feel loved.

My wife has vetrtigo and as such she has to be careful on how she moves. Oral sex does work but sometimes just mutual satisfaction is enough.

You have to be satisfied with yourself before you can have a great relationship. If you area willing to work with your spouse, the marriage will work.

Some people here have had a tough time, my prayers go out to them. We all do whatever it takes to make it work, we should not be judged on that.

Good luck to everyone.

[rrod0991 0]

Thank you Fred

[green 6]

Hey, very cool comments. Thanks, folks. I don't think that I would have waded into this discussion at this time had I not read Apple's post and then noted that she was 19. I just wanted to explained to her that this whole biz of relationships and sexuality does become a lot more complicated. Certainly when I was a horny 19 year old I could never have imagined any of the complications that spring up between up between couples after they have spent some years together.

At the same time I certainly did not want to disrespect your input, Smith. (Again, I gotta say that I love your name.)

[AppleSmith1226 1]

Well I just want to respond to the post from earlier that someone submitted back to me... LOL I know someone would mention my age. But that's understandible but at the smae time typical. I am a grown married woman and I have been taking care of myself since I was 16!! I pay my own bills and do not live off of my parents. I take care of my household and my husband just like every other woman here. But I just find it crazy that people just STOP having sex my mother and father had 6 kids!! And they still have sex LOL ... Been married for 17 years!!! I have walked in on them 2wice EWWW!! LOL hate to remember. So with 6 kids and the both work ... and both have financial problems and they still find time in their busy schedules to go out on dates and spend time 2gether! Marriage IS NOT EASY!!! MAKE IT WORK!!!! Unless you have man or woman that just doesn't want you anymore and who does not want to make it work. Me and my husband have a rule we dont bring the bullshit and arguments of day to day lives to bed. That's our marriage bed and that shit goes out the window but I am a woman and us chicks like to stay mad LOL but you just got let that shit go!!! I will roll of and give my husband a BJ !! Come now this isn't rocket science people! And I know some men do become in capable. I work for a huge medical supplier I am a licensed Pharmacy Tech II ... I see these issues everyday. There is a EREC-AID and it works wonders for my patients!! All I am saying is ... If my parents have 6 kids... both work full time jobs ... you can do this! I mean everyone has problems but it's not that serious!! Much love to EVERYONE here ... but to each is own....

[AppleSmith1226 1]

PS .... to go back and read ... everyone is jumping on me because of my age ... but you have to understand I am fat too that's why I am here. But I won't stop giving me husband sex just cause I am big. I was big when he met me!! And I want to do this for myself esteem as well!! I am a woman to I can be insecure about my looks as well I have been with my husband for 3 years now. And I know things will change as years go on. But don't try and make me out to be some type of dummy because of my age I am a very intelligent and independent woman!!! I have more brains than alot of chicks that are 25 to 30 and I am out here doing something with my life and time and have a career unlike alot of other 19 year olds out here that just get drunk and party!!! I am way smarter than that I graduated high with honors at 16!! But I have nothing to prove to anyone here just voicing my opinion. I will be the FIRST to say that I have a lot to learn about life but SO DOES EVERYONE!!! You dont EVER get to an age where your brain goes on to overload and you cant learn anything anymore!!! Just don't immediately rule out someone's voice cause they are young!!! I am an adult just like the rest of you!! I take care of my home and family just like you do!!! And I can't run to mommie and daddy whenever I need something (like ALOT of other 19 y/o) they have 5 other kids to support!! But as I said I embrace this because this only urges me to keep doing what I am doing MUCH MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL!! And thanks for the feedback.... And P.S. My husband is in the army ... I wish I was able to jump on him all the time like alot of women that are able to see their husbands everyday but I don't get to do that for those of you who ASSUME that I am some horny 19 y/o by the way my BDAY is next month! And I dont think SEX is everything. It isn't!! I have to live off just hearing my husbands voice!!

[steph_co 9]

Wow, Apple. That's a very oversimplified assessment of the situation. It's much more complex than that. I realize at 19 you think you know everything (been there), but there is a lot of complexity to these situations that goes beyond physical attraction. Please don't assume that you have the answer to everybody's problem, that being a blow job. It's insulting and I'm not even dealing with things to the degree that some of these ladies are. You have hormones on your side at 19. Don't forget that. Get back to me when you're sneaking up on your 30's and beyond. Things change.

[AppleSmith1226 1]

I know that you are right Steph and I certainly agree with you billions of things wouldv'e changed by the time I am 30 ... And I DONT think I know everything. I would be a fool to think that!! NO ONE ON THE PLANET KNOWS EVERYTHING so why would I think that I DO ?!?!?! But as I said before to each own. I don't know what the future holds for me but I don't PLAN ON stopping having sex with my husband. It's just something that I dont plan on happening. But I am saying is that if my parents and grandparents both still have healthy sexual relationships at their age and years of marriage I think it is possible for me too... That's all I am saying. Thanks for your feedback!! And as I stated before I may have "hormones on my side" at 19 but I haven't seen my husband in 3 months he is in the military!! So as I said before I am not some horny girl out here just thinking about sex 24/7 I have a career, family, and household just like the rest of you!

[BJean 16]

Applesmith: I for one did not know your age. I've heard similar comments from all ages of people. Don't get defensive - just take all this with a grain of salt. There are always two sides to a story and we all need to keep that in mind. Sometimes here at LBT, there are about a dozen sides to a story. That's what makes it great.

If you're wanting to be understood and accepted, just remember that the rest of us are too. So that door swings both ways. Sometimes when you read a post, it sounds like someone is being hateful or accusatory when in fact, they are in a hurry or a little confused or on a completely different track that relates to themselves, not to the person who posted. It usually isn't that someone is getting personal with you, it more a fact that they have had a nerve of some sort exposed and they are dealing with that.

You sound like a really sharp woman. I am very impressed with all that you have accomplished so far in life. Keep up the outstanding work!

P.S. thank your husband big time for his service to our country - and thank you for keeping the home fires burning while he's gone.

[nume130 0]

I never planned on not having sex with my husband either. But you try for 27 years to be the only one who wants to. You can't make someone desire you when they don't. I put up with the rejections for years and kept going back for more, for the sake of trying to make my marriage work. Relationships are not that cut and dried.

[green 6]

Apple, no one has ever said that a 19 year old is dumb, only inexperienced is all. You do sound unusual; you sound like you really have your life together. Many 19 year olds do not and I am sure you know that. And your parents sound like they have a wonderful marriage. This is really great. My own parents were still boning each other when they were senior citizens. Many people do have successful marriages.

But this is a thread where people have come to discuss their problems with their relationships and I was attempting to point out to you that sexual problems can be caused by other problems than homosexuality or infidelity. I am sorry if I offended you. This was not my intention.

[beach140 0]

Marriage is hard. I can relate to Nume130. I married someone who is a wonderful husband in many ways but who is not interested in sex. I do not believe he is having sex outside of our marriage. I love sex and miss it. I haven't had sex in about 9 years and I was skinny when he stopped having sex with me. He also led a gay life prior to our marriage, however, was not into sex all that much even as a gay person. I ate food instead of having sex after year ten. I also just came to the realization that I have been taking prescription pills to numb myself. I just stopped cold turkey. I probably need a shrink but am not the kind of person to go to one. I have been working long hours and also think I've been substituing work for having a life. My husband is very presentable, he fixes things, he supports my work, he is a good roommate, and he protects me. A lot of women are jealous of my "perfect" marriage. I recently talked to three old friends about the reality of our marriage. One thinks I should stay with him and forget about sex. One, an old boyfriend, who is a married philanderer, wants to have an affair with me, and the other thinks I should leave him. He fathered a wonderful, well-adjusted child who recently left home for college. I'm going through perimenopause and my moods and hormones are all over the place. I've lost 40 pounds and have 40 more to go. I'm scared I'm going to have an affair if I get any skinnier, but at the same time I want something to change. I did this for my health. I've gotten rid of my diabetes and high blood pressure. I want to take it the rest of the way, but, am afraid of causing big changes in my life. Any advice?

[green 6]

If you are merely missing sex but not romantic love and would like to continue with your present arrangement then I would suggest going for a sexual arrangement with your philandering ex-boyfriend. You needn't feel guilty about his marriage: if he isn't sleeping with you he will be sleeping with someone else for this is in his philandering nature. Do make sure that you are protected against STDs, though.

If, however, you do want a romantic relationship then you must be prepared to separate from your husband and find yourself a new mate. If you want to stay close to your husband perhaps you could buy yourselves a house which has 2 apartments: you could live in one and he in the other. This may sound unconventional but so what! Why don't you talk to your husband about this issue?

[nume130 0]

Considering my own situation, I have no advice to give you, I'm afraid. But you do have to decide for yourself, what is important to you and what you want for yourself. You matter too. (I'm learning that and trying not to feel guilty about it)