All alone in this

[starbuckscoffeegal 36]

Hey! I'm scheduled for GBS on 2/25. I had the band in 2006- removed 2009. I don't have a support system at all. My mother has Alzheimer's and my dad takes care of her. I live at home with them and my son. We stay here to help out with my mom.... Anyway I'm really scared that her episodes might hinder my recovery. She yells and is violent, it's hard enough being here in regular conditions but adding WLS to it has me scared. I plan on having everything out and easily assessable but I'm just scared and nervous.

I don't have many friends and the ones I do are not able to visit me or help me out. I'm used to dealing with things on my own I just wish I didn't have too.

Sorry if this sounds like a sob story. My nerves are getting to me, I guess.

[tomi71 581]

Does your insurance cover a visiting nurse?

How old is your son? If he is old enough, he could help you out as needed. I am sorry about your mom. That disease is devistating. My grandmother had it and its tough to watch.

Another option (please forgive me as I don't mean to sound callus) is to maybe have your mom put in a nursing facility until you are recovered enough to get up on your feet? That way you can concentrate on recovery and get well and be strong enough to have her come back her home.

As I type this I can't recall if you said you work outside the home but is there anyone at work who could check up on you? You'd be surprised how many people will lend a helping hand when you let them know you need it. Don't be afraid to ask. What about a neighbor?

Best of luck to you. Take a deep breath. Your health comes first. You'll be healthier and happier before you know it.

[revision in TX 38]

You are NOT alone...you have ALL the WLS folks on this site to complain to, ask questions of, brag to....we all have (or had) our "situations" throughout the journey...some, like yours, more difficult than others, to be sure....but we "keep on keeping on", day by day!!!

You always have an outlet here on-line. Although it's not the same as having a (local) support system, it's a pretty good back-up, so feel free to use it as much as you need to!!

Congrats on a surgery date! Take care of yourself - pre & post op - and you will be on your way to a happier, healthier YOU...for your son, your parents and, most importantly, YOURSELF!

[Jersrose43 837]

I would offer you two options that you need to seriously consider and start now to make arrangements

Call your moms insurance. Assuming it's medicare but potentially also medicaid. One or both will offer HER. Respite care. They will send a nurse to the home for certain hours a day for certain amount of time to give you and your dad a respite. You need to look into that immediately. For now and forever because it's hell caring for someone and a lot of folks don't take it on.

Second find resources in your area allowing her to go there for the day. Like a skilled adult day care. That have the resources she needs.

You shouldn't need much care at home from visiting nurses. Those come in for an hour. Give you meds, take blood etc but do not much more. They are not aides which is what your mother needs

Best of luck

[starbuckscoffeegal 36]

Thanks.

I guess I'm just angry? I don't know what other adjective to use... I'm the kind of person that anticipates the needs of others. The truly sad thing is I come from a huge family and not one person has volunteered to take me to the hospital yet. In fact my dad put me on a guilt trip for even having the surgery bc he thinks he will have to take care of me too.

I do appreciate this site. I have been creeping for several months but wanted to wait until I was approved before really getting involved.

My mom doesn't qualify quite yet to go to a nursing home and I doubt my insurance would cover a nurse for me. My son is 11 and I have asked for his support... But he's Autistic so I have to be very specific with my needs...

I do work out of the home and I'm sure I'll get the occasional text to check on me... I'm just trying to think of who I can call if I'm in a jam or need help.... Sad, huh?

I'm try to be positive and hope I have a smooth and easy recovery and I won't have to worry about all that other stuff.

[starbuckscoffeegal 36]

I know we need additional support for my mom. But we can't get it. She refuses to go to the dr and outside resources are not an option. I want them for her, but she's so abusive to my dad that he won't take action yet. But that's a whole other conversation.

I know I'll be ok. I'm just irritated with my friends and family who I am always- always- there for. I'm the one who goes to the hospital when they are sick, makes meals, care packages, does laundry for them, loans them money... Yet I get none of that in return. Which is why I have really downsized who I call " friend" but family should BE family.... I don't know, I have a feeling a serious conversation is headed their way.

[maggie0210 117]

This is really heartbreaking. I know what you are going through with your mom. Luckily, my older sister takes care of her and I visit every few days when my sister is at work. You need to stand up for yourself, she's their mom too. And an eleven year old autistic child can't be counted on for this kind of help. Especially if she's getting hostile. Ask a sibling if you can stay with them for a month or so, just until your'e back on your feet. You don't need that kind of stress while recovering. A lot of good people here to bounce ideas off. Family should be able to come together in a crisis. Best of luck to you.

Maggie0210

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Don't wait for friends or family to volunteer. They may want to help but not know what you need. Have you asked for something specific (ie can you drive me to the hospital on Monday at 6:00 am?)?

Do you belong to a Church? Churches are another great resource.

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

[starbuckscoffeegal 36]

I did ask my little sister to take me to the hospital but I'm not sure if she will stay until I get to my room. I will ask her but I think I will have to pay her. And I can get a cab ride home if I need to.

[SandyS 77]

I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time. If we were close to one another I would be more than happy to drive you! This surgery is not one to go it alone. You have all of us for support but I think you need one on one support too. Hugs to you!

[esskay77 785]

One thing I have discovered is that you have to outright ask people. They won't volunteer. It's not just you! People don't know what your needs are unless you tell them. But also know that some people are just not capable of helping out. But please ask them directly. Don't hint around, dont beat around the bush. Ask them for either a ride or for someone to help out in some way.

We are all wishing you the best.

[Jersrose43 837]

Honey I just want to give you a big hug.

Call your moms jnsurance for that respite care. Your dad can't see that as putting her somewhere it's just a nurses aid to come in the home to do what you and your dad are already doing for a few hours

[bellabloom 2,469]

You need to consider how you can go on and live a happy life being such a yes person all the time. Clearly your being to giving to your family and you need to be more selfish. It's healthy to be selfish sometimes. Seriously.

Have this surgery. It will change your life. Your coping with food and you need to turn those emotions outward.

I would seriously consider a life change. Let your father and mother work out their issues on their own. It sounds like your dad is still capable enough. They are your parents but you don't owe them every scrap of happiness there is.

Also it is time for your family to pitch in with your parents. It's not your responsibility alone!!!!!!! And as lomg as you are doing everything they won't. You need to stop and make them see what's it's doing to you. You need to give them no choice but to help out, period.

You have your son to think about. It's enough!!!

I would have the surgery for sure. If you have to, call a cab to get you home. Then once you feel well enough, go out and make some friends outside of your family. Take the time you invest in them and make friends who will be there for you when you need them. Get you and your son out of your current situation and when you mom qualifies she can get help from her insurance.

Your son still has his whole life to live and needs you. You need you. You need to spend your time with people who love and support you. You've only got one life and this is it. I give you permission to be selfish. It's good for you and for everyone else in your life. The happier you are the more you can be there for others when they really actually need (and deserve) help.

Now go and do this!!!

Edited January 20, 2015 by bellabloom

[esskay77 785]

All of the above is great advice!! It may seem horrible at first thinking of yourself, but that's actually how everyone else is. It's really the right way to be. Doesn't mean you don't help people out or aren't kind, but you come first. Saying no should be something you are able to do.

[della street 213]

Call your local Alzheimer's Association -- they have TONS of help, and it is generally (if not always...) FREE. Here is the main website: http://www.alz.org/ -- here's their 24-hour helpline -- 24/7 Helpline: 1.800.272.3900.