Non existent support

[Loving Lenci 16]

I'm 3 days post op and I am slightly antsy! I am hoping this decision is going to be well worth it. My husband isn't as supportive as many others. He actually brought home 24 cupcakes and a gallon of ice cream when I asked him to get me sugar free Popsicle's. Friends say he's just scared but I honestly think he's selfish and manipulative though I'm not hungry at all I just couldn't fathom why he'd do that. Is there anyone else going through this similar situation with a loved one?

[Miss Mac 6,261]

Please understand where I am coming from as the survivor of a ten year marriage to a diagnosed psycho-sociopath who kept five loaded guns in the house. (He and his family kept the details from me, but his condition got worse and became clearly evident by the escalation of mental/emotional/physical abuse)

What your husband did was not "scared" or "an honest mistake." It was mean. Weight loss surgery exposes the dynamics behind a relationship, and your husband's support or lack of it will give you a clear and unmistakeable picture of how he feels about you in spite of any statements to the contrary. He is not dense. He knows that you had surgery and are trying to get healthy. Unless he has lived in a mole hole his whole life, he knows that cupcakes and ice cream are not healthy for you - or himself.

I am guessing that this is not a surprise to you and that you have encountered resistance up to the surgery as well. Just be prepared to stand up for yourself and do not give away your voice. Go ahead and when he is not around to intrude, start reading up on the cycle of abuse.

My excuse for staying too long was that "At least he doesn't hit me", but damage to the psychological me was just as devasting. And then there came the day that his bombardment of words because a bruise the size of a 7 ounce steak. He only hit me once. I did not stay around for the bloody nose and broken bones.

Anytime I would lose as little as fifteen pounds, he would object and kept bringing in the pastries. As I was putting dinner on the table one evening he got upset and threw his ash tray at me because "You ruin every meal with those damn vegetables!"

I was so used to him throwing stuff at me that I did not see that as violence, even when he threw a camping lantern (with a heavy nine volt battery) at my ankle and refused to take me to the doctor when it swelled up and turned a rainbow of colors. Those were just "tantrums" and apparently MY fault because I made him mad. Well then, he was mad all the time at everybody.

You have a right to good health and nutrition and regular medical care, no matter who you are married to. He is not being tired or cranky or scared. What is doing is insensitive and hateful, and he is deliberately trying to sabotague your recovery.

I am sorry that you have to endure an unsupportive mate. Start keeping a secret journal because when he has you doubting your own sanity and memory, you can go back and see that a certain comment was indeed said or a certain action was indeed done. And "I was just kidding - can't you take a joke?" is bullying and not acceptable either. My journal was my lifeline to sanity.

This is not about whether you are patient and long-suffering. It is about your health and longevity now, and you have to put up your armour and come out fighting.

In the back of your journal write these two things down to refer to:

1. Why are you still there?

2. Why would you love someone who treats you that way?

I have been accused on this forum before of being anti-marriage. However, I am all for marriage, but I am against being mistreated.

If you need to, send me a private message. Anyone who needs to talk to someone who understands the cycle of abuse can give me PM. If you would rather talk to a certified counselor, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at

1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) (United States)

The apple does not fall far from the tree. This man's daughter would berate her husband continually, throw things at him, manipulate their relationship and give him a thorough beat-down frequently. This mess is a two-way street and guys can be taken advantage of, too. Bariatric brothers and sisters, just be aware of your reality. You deserve to be respected and encouraged and supported. My heart goes out to everyone who is struggling. Don't lose your voice.

[georgiare 63]

I have a very supportive family, but my coworkers don't really understand and have issues with support. However, my super supportive family ordered pizza on my about day 3 post op, they didn't think it would bother me I guess. At that point, the smell of food made me ill, and I had no craving so I didn't really feel unsupported over it. If your husband didn't have surgery, but does have a tendency to eat his emotions, that may just be your opportunity to go through that door with him, to have that heart to heart. It is going to be better to address it with him now, because like I said i have coworkers who aren't very supportive and they are constantly trying to buy me sweets, donuts for Breakfast, fast food for lunch, and at 3 months out I could have those foods and crave them. When people don't understand the way that they eat, and how it can effect others, it makes this journey a bit more difficult. But, the up side is, that you are not going to physically be able to eat a lot anymore, so even if you have a small stumble it won't be like before. Keep your chin up and look to the positive.

[Loving Lenci 16]

No, I'm not surprised by his behavior at all but I was praying once he saw that I went to this length to get my weight under control he'd see I was serious about it and not just talking! I've been through similar issues with him with me having lost 70lbs previously, countless dead end diets, gym memberships and counseling. I'm not here to necessarily bash him but want to know if anyone has been through or going through what I am! I'm not in fear of my life because he isn't physically abusive but in a way I did see this as passive aggressive behavior! Discouraging to say the least not having my "husband" as my motivator can be hurtful but I have plenty of support from others

[Garifab_VSG 122]

Wait, did you cross-post this? I swear I just commented on this same topic and it was a much longer thread.

[CheleLynn45 615]

I consider myself very lucky with the support and encouragement I have with my husband and daughter, my friends and co workers.

My 15yr old daughter was like "aw mom I feel bad eating in front of you!" in the beginning. She is so sweet. I told her and my husband that I cannot expect them to eat like me or to never have things that I cannot or should not be eating. But that being said if something they brought into the house bothered me so much they would remove it, or eat it and not do it again.

I knew going into this that I would be around food and have to be around food. Now that I am almost 11 weeks out I do find when I smell something really good I get that Mmmm that would be good. But I don't have the hunger that I did so it is easier for me to not eat it.

Me and my hubby were at Whole Foods the other day checking it out to see if they had some cool and different stuff for me to try. We got chicken Florentine hamburgers, some other kinds of greek yogurt, some chocolate covered animal crackers on clearance, some new Protein bars to try and some vanilla mini cupcakes. A little bit for everyone.

If you think he is purposely trying to bring food into the home to sabotage your efforts that sucks. With this journey and all its up and downs we need support, and support from those closest helps the most. Have you tried talking to him openly and honest about things?? When he brought that stuff into the house did even bring home what you asked for?? If not then there is a real problem.

I wish I could help you out more, I had posted about how sad it makes me when I see posts where people do not have the support they need. Try to stay strong and remember why you did this in the first place!!

Good Luck!!

[Loving Lenci 16]

Yes sorry it was my first time posting and on my cellphone it didn't show that it had posted

[sunshine125 0]

I am going through the same situation as you. My husband says he is supportive but his actions don't show it. He also make comments about me finding someone else and leaving him and that has not crossed my mind. I think it is his own insecurities that have him feeling that way. You just have to focus on yourself and your goals that you are trying to reach he will come along on his own don't let him sabotage what you are doing. Because once I stopped feeding into his insecurities he stopped saying those things. I am down 70lbs from my surgery and he is not use to me looking like this or getting the attention that I am getting and also he has picked up a few pounds himself so they just want us to feel down because they are but don't let him do it. You keep up the good work.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

No, I'm not surprised by his behavior at all but I was praying once he saw that I went to this length to get my weight under control he'd see I was serious about it and not just talking! I've been through similar issues with him with me having lost 70lbs previously, countless dead end diets, gym memberships and counseling. I'm not here to necessarily bash him but want to know if anyone has been through or going through what I am! I'm not in fear of my life because he isn't physically abusive but in a way I did see this as passive aggressive behavior! Discouraging to say the least not having my "husband" as my motivator can be hurtful but I have plenty of support from others

No. It's not passive-aggressive behavior. It's aggressive behavior.

You asked him to bring home sugar-free popsicles. He didn't bring those home. Instead, he brought 24 cupcakes and a gallon of ice cream.

There's nothing passive or subtle or mistaken about that. He just said, "F**K YOU!"

You take care of yourself. He certainly won't .

[MisforMimi 760]

Look up gaslightling? And being in a relationship with a narcissist and see if anything resonates with you.

[Aerohead21 4]

On TLC us a show called My 600 lb Life and there is a woman who went through the exact same thing. Her name is Zsalynn Whitworth and I remember watching the show thinking if he loved her he would help her, even if he wasn't ready to help himself. He loved keeping her under his thumb is what he loved. You need to take care of yourself.