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Frustrated and worried about husband...



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I am extremely worried about my husband's health because:

1. He is only 28, but weighs close to 340 lbs

2. His health is starting to suffer (joint pain, fatigue, severe obstructive sleep apnea)

3. His job and all his hobbies are sedentary

4. Diabetes runs on both sides of his family

5. He is unable to do lightly active stuff like go to festivals because of the standing/walking

I thought last summer would have been a wake up call to him. We went on a family vacation that required a light to moderate amount of walking and even though my husband and I were the youngest people on the trip he was the only one that had to keep stopping. Eventually he ended up having to sit in the car and took a nap until everyone was ready to leave.

Every month or so, I'll try to talk to him about my concerns. I know from experience weight is a touchy subject, so I feel like I'm sensitive about it.

He responds with things like:

1. "I can do it on my own. I've already lost 5 lbs. The Vitamins I get from GNC are helping." (reality: he gains a few lbs, then loses 1 or 2. then regains a few lbs, then loses 1. Weight has gone from 290 to 338 in 2 years)

2. "I can't give up my beer/soda/big portions of food."

3. "You're right, I need to do better. Tell you what, give me <insert random number> months to try it on my own. If I can't do it, then I'll think seriously about WLS."

But nothing changes.

Is there anything else left for me to do?

Edited by Comfy_Blue

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@@Comfy_BlueM Ouch that's a hard one but in all honesty he's going to do whatever he wants to do. I don't think there's any thing you can say or do that Is going to make him jump on the bandwagon with his current attitude and thought process. Does he feel good at that weight? I wouldn't think so!! I know it's probably beyond frustrating for you since you had the surgery and (going by your listed numbers) you've lose 105 lbs and are at a healthy weight. I assume he has been with you through that? So why he wouldn't see your Results and not want that for himself is just hard to comprehend. Until he learns that he can in fact live with out "steak,beer, and soda" it looks like he's just going to be planted in front of the TV popping Vitamins and hoping for the best. You've done your part by communicating your concerns with him but ultimately It's going to have to be his choice. Good luck girl!@

Edited by Elode

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I suggest he see a therapist.

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Yup, he went through the entire process with me, from the moment I started researching the types of WLS, to the 10 day liquid diet, to my entire life post-opt. He was extremely supportive, helpful, went to appointments with me, etc.

If the situation were reversed (he lost 100lbs and I was still 250lbs and gaining), it would be really hard for me and I would be even more motivated to having WLS. In fact, seeing my best friend's results from WLS is what convinced me.

I think he is in denial. Sure, lots of people weigh 338lbs+ and lose w/o WLS, but I don't feel he is one of those. Maybe therapy is the best option as the other poster said because I'm tired of trying to convince him.

@@Comfy_BlueM Ouch that's a hard one but in all honesty he's going to do whatever he wants to do. I don't think there's any thing you can say or do that Is going to make him jump on the bandwagon with his current attitude and thought process. Does he feel good at that weight? I wouldn't think so!! I know it's probably beyond frustrating for you since you had the surgery and (going by your listed numbers) you've lose 105 lbs and are at a healthy weight. I assume he has been with you through that? So why he wouldn't see your Results and not want that for himself is just hard to comprehend. Until he learns that he can in fact live with out "steak,beer, and soda" it looks like he's just going to be planted in front of the TV popping Vitamins and hoping for the best. You've done your part by communicating your concerns with him but ultimately It's going to have to be his choice. Good luck girl!@

Edited by Comfy_Blue

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I agree with the therapy suggestion.

Imma guess he has lots of feelings about his situation that he just needs help expressing--to himself.

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As all of us know by now, there's no amount of talking, begging, asking, and criticizing that will make a bit of difference until he and he alone he is ready to do something. We all knew being obese was unhealthy, but until we had that "ah ha" moment, we also weren't ready to do anything about it. Like Elode said, you've done your part letting him know your concerns. Just wait for the day he has his "Ah ha" moment and support him 100% when he does!

**EDIT**

I have been through this exact same scenario with my husband. I never 'forced' the issue with him, (not saying you are either) because I knew he wasn't ready. His breaking point was hitting 300lbs and having problems with his feet because of his weight. Then he made the decision to have a gastric bypass 8 years ago, and has said over and over it was the best thing he has ever done. He just had to get to that point.

Edited by Babbs

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worried about my husband's health

Every month or so, I'll try to talk to him about my concerns.

@@Comfy_Blue

i am in the same boat with my hubby :(

i'm afraid he might sink :(

not a joke

"reminding"/continually talking about his weight "situation"

how is that working for you??

i did the same thing numerous times long time ago

wasn't working, and i made the situation worse

hubby felt bad - then i felt bad because i was hurting him

finally, bit my tongue, and stopped wasting my breath

can't push on rope :(

you can bring a horse to Water, but you can't make him drink :angry:

sorry for the cliches', but they are very true :mellow:

@@Comfy_Blue

sadly

there are many in the same situations with their spouse, daughter, son etc

its no fun being around someone you love that has "any" problem

good luck to all of us

and our loved ones that they need help

hopefully ............

" they" will get that "ah ha" moment that @@Babbs spoke of

@@Comfy_Blue

don't let hubbies problems "over shadow" your success(did i say that right?)

congrats on your success

down 105 lbs

GOAL!!!

keep up the good work :)

kathy

Edited by proudgrammy

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Sad, but true . . . none of us will ever take the first step until WE decide that WE are ready to take it. And, admit it, we've all been at the point before the first step. And it is scary waaaaayyyy before it is every exciting.

You're doing what you can. You are expressing your concern, you are showing your love, and talking about options. He needs to feel like he gets to make the decision.

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Okay from a guys point of view who went through a lot let me give you some of my thoughts.

I went through the exact same things. same comorbidities, etc but it took me 15 years to do something about it, now at 44 I had my surgery 2 and a half weeks ago. You probably cannot push him to get it nor do something about his weight. As a man we resist what we are told we MUST do. We are men and we think we know best.. I know what your all thinking but get over it, its how our minds work.

Trust me, ive been there. you lose 5 or ten pounds and think your god and then you eat more to make up for the lost weight. Therapy wont help, if you want to do it you do it if deep inside you don't want to, then you wont it is that simple.

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Maybe at some point you could push him into it, but then you run the risk of his failure in the long run. And failure often breeds contempt. Until he's reached the point of one hundred percent commitment whatever method you try, be it surgical or non surgical, the odds are against lasting success. The trip you mentioned that should have been his wake up call obviously wasn't. He's the only one that can recognize his own call when it comes.

It's hard to watch those you love slowly kill themselves. I'm sure it's been hard for my family as well. Thank goodness I finally received my own call and most importantly, decided to answer it. But no amount of tough love, soft nudging, or barrage of medical facts was going to make me do something about it until *I* was ready. Some of the most rewarding journeys in life can only be traveled alone.

The best thing you can do is keep offering your support and when he's finally ready to commit, let him know that you're there for him every step of the way. That's when your support will become crucial.

Edited by The Candidate

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A different viewpoint -- I know for a fact that all women are not alike. And because I've been married to more than one man, I think I know that all men are not alike.

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One of the reasons that I love my boyfriend so much is that in the eight years we have been together, he has never ever asked me to change anything about myself. Prior to my surgery, we looked like a pencil and an apple standing together. Now we are more like a pencil and a kindergarten crayon.

The thing that prompted me to get sleeved was not pressure from him, but a stroke. Tell him he is a big boy in charge of his own health, but

1. You are taking out an extra insurance policy on him because you expect to be supporting yourself shortly.

2. You are going to continue to have a life outside of the house even if he doesn't want to join in.......then join a bowling league or a gym or a hiking club......anything to prove your point.

3. You are doing everything in your power to make sure that there are healthy food choices available at home.

Some things that I realized about food post-op are:

a. I can survive quite nicely on 1/4 of the calories I was eating before.

b. I really don't like fish all that much. What I liked about Long John Silver's was the grease and the salt.

c. What I liked about McDonald's and Burger King was the grease, salt, and ketchup.< /p>

d. What I liked about Krispy Creme Donuts was the grease and the sugar.

e. What I liked about Pepsi was the sugar,

f. What I liked about Lil' Caeser's pizza was the grease and the salt.

g. What I liked about bread was the butter and jam.

h. What I liked about potatoes was the butter, salt, and sour cream

i. What I liked about ice cream was the fat and the sugar.

j. What I liked about noodles was the creamt Alfredo sauce.

k. What I liked about Chinese food was the soy sauce and MSG.

l. What I liked about cake was the frosting made with shortening and sugar.

m. What I liked about potato chips, Cheetos, pretzles, etc. was the grease and the salt.

n. What I liked about Kentucky Fried chicken was the grease and the 11 herbs and spices.

0. What I liked about Hershey Kisses wasn't the chocolate, but the fat and the sugar.

p. What i liked about bacon was the grease and the salt.

q. What I liked about apple pie was the sugar and the buttery crust.

r. What I liked about biscuits and gravy was the fravy.

s. What I liked about popcorn was the butter and salt.

t. What I liked about a hot bologna and cheese sandwich was the Miracle Whip.

u. What I liked about Bagels was the cream cheese.< /p>

v. What I liked about Trail Mix Gorp was the raisins and marshmallows.< /p>

w. What I liked about Cheerios was the sugar that I put in the milk.

x.

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Oops...did not mean to post yet.

x. What I liked about Spam was the salt and the grease.

y. What I liked about pancakes was the butter and Syrup.< /p>

z. What I liked about veggies was the butter and salt.

So, here is my point: I think that your hubby along with most people is not worried about having to give up food. The hard part is giving up the crap that we put on food. Maybe you can help silently but doing your best to present healthy options and let nature run its course. Being dedicated to weight loss is a big decision. He has to want it, and no amount of nagging is going to help.

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@@Comfy_Blue that's such a hard position to be in. I understand you're worried for him, but until he's ready to admit there's a problem I don't think any amount of support you can give will get him to realize his issues. He's got to be willing to admit there's a problem or the surgery won't be successful anyway. I have the same issue with my boyfriend and his smoking. Although he realizes it's an issue and says he wants to stop, he does nothing to stop

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I have those same problems with my hubby. I haven't had my surgery yet so hopefully he'll see and be more open minded. I am super paranoid about losing him since I just lost my brother a few months back. Thinking of being alone scares the sh®t out of me. My therapist says I can't control what he does but I'm hoping he'll see the light. Good luck with yours.

Edited by kyrickchick64

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