One's Too Many and a Hundred Ain't Enough

[mdnitschke 14]

Anyone who has actively practiced an addiction in their lives should instantly recognize that phrase and all it means.

When it comes to me and my relationship to food it meant at the very least that I was always a plate cleaner. More than that, it means there were some certain "red light" foods that had such a grip on me I just could not leave it alone until it was gone. No matter how much I had eaten previously, no matter how hungry or stuffed I was - if it was a red light food, the only way I could quit thinking about it - and it would quit calling to me - is if it was gone - and I don't mean scraped off a plate into the trash, it of course had to be processed by my alimentary garbage disposal in order to rid myself of the mental torment.

I spent a year contemplating this surgery and much of that time was spent in self discovery, exploring my own pathological relationship to food in my life space. It had taken control of just about every emotional trigger - hungry, angry, lonely, bored, tired - anything could trigger a binge episode, the outcome of which was always the singular result of that source of torment being gone. Problem was, I would always relax and allow that red light food to reappear. I wanted to be sure I had my head screwed on straight as I made the decision to undergo the surgery, that I was going to do it for all the right reasons, and that meant a permanent change of lifestyle, and that by far my greatest challenge would be overcoming the emotional compulsions.

I am now crossing from the 2nd into the 3rd month of post op recovery and some remarkable things have happened much to my indescribable joy. I have found that with the post-op change in my taste and appetite for food I find that much of the emotional triggers have just disappeared. It wasn't that I was tested on occasion during the first 6 weeks post op, there were times, much like the ex smoker habitually fishing into their front shirt pocket for the pack of cigarettes, but that has largely subsided. Now I simply do not get any emotional feedback from food. In the last 3 weeks or so I have gained incredible self control to where I eat only one small piece of something, I am satisfied and can leave the rest of it alone.

I don't know what it was, but I am thinking it was the absence of the appetite stimulating chemical ghrelin, but what I do know is that my relationship to food is that it is simply fuel and my body tells me how much it needs. This has been the best money I have ever spent to rid myself of this curse.

[rte837 141]

I am very impressed at how articulatly you described your problem with food!! Good job. I'm so happy that the demon has subsided. I still struggle with that. In fact, I'll eat KNOWING I'm over the limit. But I keep trying and am way better off then I was when I started at 241 lbs. Keep up the great job; and the wonderful posts!!

[bellabloom 2,467]

Very true, I feel much the same. Eating was almost a habituated thing and it took a weeks or so for me to feel clear of those ties and habits. I used to be a sugar junkie and I do not find myself craving sweets at all.

I seem to become tired of foods very quickly and just don't get the same pleasure from eating when I used to live to eat.

This surgery is a blessing in many ways. It has helped me feel free!