Divorce after plastic surgery and/or bariatric surgery

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@My Bariatric Life ... I'm surprised you haven't seen more written about this. "WLS Increases Divorce!" seems to me to be an obligatory paragraph in every HuffPost-style clickbait online article or blog about WLS.

If you google WLS divorce you'll be reading all night!

Edited December 8, 2014 by VSGAnn2014

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@My Bariatric Life ... check out this thread on another forum. Very interesting. (I've fallen down the Google well re WLS divorce myself tonight.

http://www.thinnertimesforum.com/topic/16630-wls-and-divorce/

Edited December 8, 2014 by VSGAnn2014

[My Bariatric Life 764]

@@VSGAnn2014 thank you for posting the link. I am reading through the thread now.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Its discussed on here ALOT, but not usually in the plastics forum. I genuinely believe that relationships that had major issues before massive weight loss are at high risk of failing. I don't really see it much related to plastics though.

[fashionstylist 458]

Its discussed on here ALOT, but not usually in the plastics forum. I genuinely believe that relationships that had major issues before massive weight loss are at high risk of failing. I don't really see it much related to plastics though.

I agree.

[TinyMamiOf3kids 1,280]

Hello I just down loaded the app. I been a member here for along time. Im getting a divorce, but its not due to wls or plastic surgery. We just aren't on the same page anymore. I do think it has to do with me bei g slim & sexy. He is insecure. Feels im sleeping around. Calls me like im a child. Doesn't leave me alone.

[laurenella82 625]

I've not had surgery yet but I know more than a few who have had WLS and what disturbs me most is how people sag they have changed and want to dismiss them. What I notice is that there is a change.but its only a negative change if it doesn't fit someone's ideal perception of that person.

It's hard to get used to change for some but the most sincere friend or lover will be pleased with whatever you decide to do for yourself. It's sad to hear/see that someone is mistreated for being kind to themselves or taking themselves seriously and making themselves first. Especially because we can't take care of someone else if we can't take care of ourselves.

[drmeow 323]

I hope it's OK that I jump in here, even though I have not yet had WLS or plastic surgery. I was never really overweight until I married, although I'd always struggled a little to maintain reasonable weight. I apparently married someone just like the father who'd ignored me all my life, and when he continued that pattern in our marriage, I began eating to stuff down anger. Our marriage lasted about 22 years - we are still married but have been separate for a year now, at my request. It took me over a year of therapy (which I entered to deal with emotional eating) to get the courage to end my marriage and ask him to leave. I had planned to file for divorce this month (since my state required a year apart before filing) but now I've decided to have WLS, so I'm holding off on filing until I get it done, b/c I'll have to change insurance once the divorce is final.

So, I think in many cases (obviously not all) people who overeat in the first place may have problems in their marriage but use food to cover their emotions. Once you start dealing with those emotions fully, without food, it may lead to divorce if the other person is not willing to work on it (mine had no interest in looking at himself or our relationship).

[fashionstylist 458]

I hope it's OK that I jump in here, even though I have not yet had WLS or plastic surgery. I was never really overweight until I married, although I'd always struggled a little to maintain reasonable weight. I apparently married someone just like the father who'd ignored me all my life, and when he continued that pattern in our marriage, I began eating to stuff down anger. Our marriage lasted about 22 years - we are still married but have been separate for a year now, at my request. It took me over a year of therapy (which I entered to deal with emotional eating) to get the courage to end my marriage and ask him to leave. I had planned to file for divorce this month (since my state required a year apart before filing) but now I've decided to have WLS, so I'm holding off on filing until I get it done, b/c I'll have to change insurance once the divorce is final.

So, I think in many cases (obviously not all) people who overeat in the first place may have problems in their marriage but use food to cover their emotions. Once you start dealing with those emotions fully, without food, it may lead to divorce if the other person is not willing to work on it (mine had no interest in looking at himself or our relationship).

I totally agree with u. Once I stopped dealing with it with food, I had to face the music. Im seeing a therapist now for myself not My marriage. My marriage is over . my new life begins. My Tummy Tuck is tomorrow with Lipo of the back and fat transfer to butt...I'm so excited. The toxic things are gone. New life.

[Garifab_VSG 122]

I haven't had this happen (I haven't had my surgery yet) but my thought on the subject is that when you hate yourself and feel unworthy, you are accepting of sub-par and disappointing (even abusive) relationships because you don't think you deserve anything better. With this surgery seems to come MUCH greater confidence, which leads to self-worth, which leads to loving yourself, and refusing to accept less than what you deserve - a 100% loving and happy relationship. And that will often lead to divorce, or ending long-term partnerships that you may have accepted during the self-hating part of your life.

I also think that being morbidly obese is (or can be), in itself, an indicator of an unhappy relationship. We are unfulfilled in love, therefore we turn to food for comfort, or to fill voids that we have in other areas of life. So once the weight loss that comes with surgery happens, you are more likely to ditch the relationship that was making you so unhappy and creating that cycle.

These are my theories, and in some way, I've experienced the acceptance of a sub-par relationship due to not feeling worthy of more. So I don't think they are very far fetched theories just because I haven't had the surgery yet!

[chrystine 42]

I will be upfront and tell you that while my husband and I are not thinking about divorce, the surgery has been very rough on our marriage and I am only 5 weeks post op. We have been very much in love for 11 years but have had a ton of trials and tribulations throughout the entire time. I heard over and over during the pre-surgical classes that good marriages get stronger, weak marriages don't survive the surgery because it is such a major lifestyle change. One spouse can feel threatened by the new confidence, more attractiveness to the other sex. For us it's not that; the surgery has been very tough on me physically and I have been extremely demanding. That combined with other issues in my past (not relating to my weight because my weight hasn't been out of control all my life and even when I was 60 lbs overweight I was still in the military exercising a great deal). My husband likes taking care of me and he has had to or been able to because I have suffered so much pain from all the excess weight. I will want to do more physical activities once I get the weight off. Will he want to join me? Probably not. Do I have any interest in meeting other men? Absolutely not, I adore this man and want us to work out our issues. I believe we'll make it; we believe in "for better or worse" but I can totally see how people throw in the towel - especially if they were with someone who didn't make them happy but they thought that was the best they could do because of their weight.

I'd like to hear from those patients whom have faced divorce after their plastic surgery or bariatric surgery. Did you go through with it? Why or why not? What is it that made you consider divorce after plastic surgery/bariatric surgery (versus sooner in your relationship)? Are you happy with or do you regret your decision?

Thank you.

[chrystine 42]

It's not a far-fetched theory but I will tell you my experience. My husband married me when I was about 40 lbs overweight. That is quite a bit for 5'1 person. We were friends first and he admitted he wouldn't have answered an online profile if I had one with my height/weight listed because he didn't think he would have found me attractive. Well, my highest weight since our marriage 11 years ago was 80 lbs more but that man never once made me feel less than, not attractive or not desirable. Even at 220 he told me he likes "showing me off" and meant it. My food issues were a combination of many things but not self-loathing that made me consume an extra 2,000 calories a day. I do not hate myself and most of the people I went through the classes with had the surgery for health reasons. My surgeon said that should be the primary reason. If you hate yourself, losing 100 lbs isn't going to make you fall in love yourself. Get some therapy now, before your surgery. This is a tool to lose weight, not reframe your mind entirely.

I haven't had this happen (I haven't had my surgery yet) but my thought on the subject is that when you hate yourself and feel unworthy, you are accepting of sub-par and disappointing (even abusive) relationships because you don't think you deserve anything better. With this surgery seems to come MUCH greater confidence, which leads to self-worth, which leads to loving yourself, and refusing to accept less than what you deserve - a 100% loving and happy relationship. And that will often lead to divorce, or ending long-term partnerships that you may have accepted during the self-hating part of your life.

I also think that being morbidly obese is (or can be), in itself, an indicator of an unhappy relationship. We are unfulfilled in love, therefore we turn to food for comfort, or to fill voids that we have in other areas of life. So once the weight loss that comes with surgery happens, you are more likely to ditch the relationship that was making you so unhappy and creating that cycle.

These are my theories, and in some way, I've experienced the acceptance of a sub-par relationship due to not feeling worthy of more. So I don't think they are very far fetched theories just because I haven't had the surgery yet!

[altraoiche 26]

This would be an interesting research project. I'm in the wrong order but same concept. Left my verbally abusive husband ("fat cow" and worse), then realized how empowering big change can be and started researching WLS.

I think when one person makes a big change the other will inevitably feel left behind if he/she doesn't jump on the healthy change bandwagon too.

[Alex Brecher 10,516]

I'm divorced as well. Just breaking in here for a comedic moment:

[freshair 135]

It's not a far-fetched theory but I will tell you my experience. My husband married me when I was about 40 lbs overweight. That is quite a bit for 5'1 person. We were friends first and he admitted he wouldn't have answered an online profile if I had one with my height/weight listed because he didn't think he would have found me attractive. Well, my highest weight since our marriage 11 years ago was 80 lbs more but that man never once made me feel less than, not attractive or not desirable. Even at 220 he told me he likes "showing me off" and meant it. My food issues were a combination of many things but not self-loathing that made me consume an extra 2,000 calories a day. I do not hate myself and most of the people I went through the classes with had the surgery for health reasons. My surgeon said that should be the primary reason. If you hate yourself, losing 100 lbs isn't going to make you fall in love yourself. Get some therapy now, before your surgery. This is a tool to lose weight, not reframe your mind entirely.

Couldn't have said it better myself! I'm 30 years old and I'm 2 weeks post op. I have been over weight since the age of 8 and have gone through all the cycles of losing gaining etc. My health started to take a turn gor the worst about 10 years ago when i was diagnosed with PCOS and honestly my 20's were a whirlwind of health issues and weight gain. But i have never hated myself because of my weight nor have i blamed my weight for what happened to me in life good or bad. The one thing i do recognize is that alot of my health issues were related to my obesity. Like my diabetes for example. I was diagnosed last year and was an insulin dependent diabetic (haven't had to use insulin since the pre op diet phase ) but again i have a girlfriend who didn't have health issues except being over weight and got the surgery done because she expected her whole life to change once she lost the weight she expected her husband to come back and everything to be just peachy. Well she has lost the weight and looks amazing but her husband didn't come back, her job didn't get any better, and honestly isn't even enjoying the attention she is getting from other men because they only want to sleep with her or use her. So is losing weight which ever way ypu accomplish it the answer to all your problems no it is not! I have been married for 7 years and have had peaks and valleys like most marriages I'm happy right now because my husband who is not overweight never has been, has been very supportive through this process just like all my other health issues I've gone through. My husband has never put me down verbally about my weight or anything else that's just how he is. Have i joked that I'm gonna leave him once the weight comes off, yes i have but i noticed about the 3rd time I said it (Which i wouldn't because I love him and habe no desire to be with anyone else) that he did kind of believe it and he seemed hurt so i will no longer joke about that. I guess I'm lucky that my weight has never been an issue in our marriage at least that he has ever ever showed me. We have been together for 12 Years and married for 7. I'm hoping this journey only brings us closer. But again who knows how he might feel or see me once the weight is off. Best of luck to all of us taking this courageous journey and best wishes to all your marriages.