I am so angry at myself

[jessiquoi 623]

I have been doing ok on my 3 month supervised diet... not great, not too sucky. The first month I lost 5.6 lbs, everyone was happy happy joy joy. The second month I stayed exactly the same, and the surgeon's team gave me really bad guilt and made me feel like I was not doing a great job and was in danger of not being approved. I'm an emotional eater, and I haven't quite broken that habit yet, although I've been working on it very hard. My boyfriend is very helpful, and listens while I fight myself almost daily not to eat crap. I win a huge majority of the time. However, the guilt they laid on me (and I accepted, I admit) really caused my eating to get out of control again. I wrote about that and got the great reply to call my insurance company to find out my actual requirements.

So, I called my insurance company and found out that as far as they're concerned, I only need to show no gain in three months. That made me feel much much better, and I got back on track, and in the last month I lost another 5 lbs. Tomorrow is my last weigh in.

But.

My boyfriend went away for the weekend, and I binged. I actually put back on the 5 lbs I lost. I'm so ANGRY at myself. I'm projecting the reaction from the team when I go to the office tomorrow to weigh in.

And now I'm playing all kind of games, the kind that I hate, to try to lose the weight again by tomorrow. I'm drinking coffee, which I usually don't, cause it makes me poop. I brought two apples with me to the office and am planning on eating nothing else during the day. I've got my Water pitcher filled up on my desk, and will flush myself out as best as I can.

I was in such a good place on Friday, and now I'm a friggin mess. I don't want to hear anybody tell me that I may have trouble after the surgery since I can't stop self-sabotaging now, please. It was very hard for me to lay this out there in public, so please think twice before you reply with any negative thoughts. I just want to be as honest as possible here on the boards because I believe that every post has the potential to help someone.

God, I can't wait for this fakokte journey to be over.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

What type of reply are you hoping for?

[jessiquoi 623]

You know, @@LipstickLady, I'm not really sure. You always ask the hard questions!

I think I just wanted to say it out loud, and I deserve whatever replies I get. I am an overachiever, and a successful person in every area of my life except for weight loss. I'm always the person who motivates, educates and comforts the world, and it's so very very hard for me to be not good at something. It is incredibly humbling for me to admit in public that I screwed up without having a solid plan for fixing my screwup.

I am afraid of failure. I hate being afraid more than anything else.

[mick 99]

What type of reply are you hoping for?

[esskay77 785]

Shame on the doctors office people for making you feel horrible.

I don't know what kind of meal plan they put you on to lose the weight so I can't comment--is it a total liquid diet? The one thing I remember is that you need Protein. That probably means Protein shakes for you. Protein fills you up and keeps you satisfied longer. Saying that you will eat nothing else during the day sounds like you are just punishing yourself and that isn't helpful. Not eating anything is also not helpful and will actually make you more hungry later. At the very least, drink a Protein shake for each meal. But, if they gave you a meal plan to follow, you should follow that. Don't let them get into your head. Get focused, don't starve yourself but don't binge either. You want to be successful so ignore (or try to) the bad comments (because these won't be the last ones you hear!!

I understand about wanting perfection, being an overachiever--it's all about setting expectations and reframing the situations.

[Butterflyhigh 504]

I don't know what to say about your impending doctor's appointment except for Good Luck.

What I would like to say is that I am also an emotional binge eater. Luckily I was only required to do a short 3 day pre-op diet, but I know that there is no way I could have been 100% compliant with a long-term pre-op diet. That's why I needed the surgery...I did not have control over the food, the food and emotions had control over me.

I am only three months post-op so there is a long road ahead of me. But up until this point the surgery has been like hitting a giant RESET button my relationship with food. It's good that you are thinking about how you will cope when your biggest coping skill is gone. Replacing eating with other coping skills, viewing food as energy for your body and not a band-aid for emotions, turing eating into a numbers game (counting protein/hydration/dropped pant sizes/lost pounds), will all lead to you reclaiming the power over your eating habits.

So I guess my point is....even if you struggle with emotional eating pre-op it does necessarily mean that you will fail post-op. It sounds like you have the right thinking and introspection.

[jessiquoi 623]

@@esskay77, i'm on a low carb high Protein 1500 calories/day meal plan for three months. I eat "normal" food. I've always had great nutrition, also... I love healthy food. I just eat too much of it too often.

Ugh. I hate posting negative stuff. I'm generally an incredibly optimistic person. I am so much harder on myself than anyone else. If I read this post from someone else, I would be all rah rah let's go you can do it. I wish I could blame it on my period, but I lost that excuse when I hit 50.

thanks, Butterflyhigh for your post.

I think I posted this mostly for me, and not for the replies. I feel better after dumping it out of my head.

[esskay77 785]

Then make sure to eat Protein. Protein is a better option than fruits and veggies at this stage. Don't starve yourself because you will binge later. In fact, eat protein every couple of hours--have a protein shake and an egg for Breakfast, a Fit and light yogurt for a snack around 10, some chicken (just a couple of ounces) or fish or some lean protein for lunch, maybe a cottage cheese for a 3:00 snack or a Protein Drink for your snacks), and then some lean protein for dinner. You can also have some veggies in there. And maybe pick one meal to have a carb but keep it minimal.

Like you, I expect too much from myself and am trying to let that go a bit.

It's ok to rant or post your feelings/thoughts. In fact, keep a journal for that. Get those thoughts out of your head and onto paper. I find that once I write it down, I don't need to think about it anymore.

[2muchfun 8,928]

Gaining 5 lbs isn't the end of the world since most of it will be Water retention. You can drop that in just a few days so no need to beat yourself up. To gain 5 lbs of fat you'd have to consume nearly 20,000 calories over the weekend.

So, life goes on. Even after your surgery you'll have missteps. Life still goes on and you'll still lose weight.

tmf

[LipstickLady 25,682]

You know, @@LipstickLady, I'm not really sure. You always ask the hard questions!

I think I just wanted to say it out loud, and I deserve whatever replies I get. I am an overachiever, and a successful person in every area of my life except for weight loss. I'm always the person who motivates, educates and comforts the world, and it's so very very hard for me to be not good at something. It is incredibly humbling for me to admit in public that I screwed up without having a solid plan for fixing my screwup.

I am afraid of failure. I hate being afraid more than anything else.

Good for you for being honest with yourself, that's a huge step towards having great success with this surgery.

I think you need to ask yourself why you are self sabotaging. I, too, am an over achiever and am very competitive with myself. I knew I was ready for this surgery when I started my pre op 1 month before I had to and stuck to it 100%. I finally realized I had hit rock bottom with myself and was no longer willing to compromise my health and my happiness over a few platefuls of food.

I hate that your doctor's office made you feel bad, but I do wonder if that was truly them or you. I know I am one to beat myself down when I make bad choices and I often project my feelings onto others when they give me constructive criticism.

Do what you need to do today. Make great choices and spend some time really figuring out your whys. When you do, you will find the strength you need to be successful, I have no doubt.

[mick 99]

I went through 12 weeks of classes and was expected to lose 10% of my weight. Gained three or four pounds!

But...when I started my two week liquid diet I lost a lot more than 10%.

You will feel so good about yourself when you get past this point. You sound stronger than the average person and are probably a lot harder on yourself than most. Give yourself a break and just make up your mind to forgive yourself and move on. Hopefully you will be encouraging others in just a little while.

[jessiquoi 623]

@@Mick, thanks!

[Bingcherry 18]

I'm sure this isn't the right answer but can you reschedule your appt for later in the week. I went away with my husband for a weekend while I was in the pre-op phase and I didn't eat so great. I felt guilty as well but I wasn't about to go to my Dr's and get weighed. I knew I had gained at least 2 lbs. I rescheduled my appt a few days later and cut all the carbs out of my diet. I lost the weight I gained plus 2 more pounds. This is a difficult journey and there are very few people who stick to their pre-op requirements 100%.

Good luck

[jessiquoi 623]

@@Bingcherry, I've been thinking about doing that. I am going to wait until tomorrow morning, to see how much comes off before then. If I'm not comfortable, I will definitely reschedule for a week later.

[Beni 1,484]

5 lbs not the end of the world. You can get right back on.

I am not sure if you can make lose it all by tomorrow. Is there a way to reschedule for later in the week or even next week?

You know what helped me. I had 5 pound gain in my second visit to the NUT as well. I had gone on vacation.

1. I plan what I am going to eat the day before - hard for me but I try. I even plan the little treats but Protein comes first.

2. I eat 1 to 2 hours after waking up and only 3 times per day.

3. I take 20 minutes eating while chewing it to death, yes to the point my cheeks hurt. I think "cheek exercise" as I do it

4. No liquids 10 minutes before, with or 30 minutes after meal. Meal time is a "golden hour" of no drinks

5. Try to drink every 5 minutes the 64oz Water you need to drink. I have my phone on vibrate every 5 min and it is in my pocket. It's annoying but it works.

Good luck!