All I can say is I need help. On May 21st I will be 2 years post op. Since my husbands diagnosis of terminal cancer in January, I have been off track. He is getting worse by the day and watching the man I know and love so much slowly disappear in front of my eyes is heartbreaking. I cry every night after he goes to sleep. I know I have to travel this journey and I'm trying so hard to hold it together. I don't think he will be here two more months. When we got married 10 years ago, I knew I had finally found my soul mate. He is 48.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is to ask for encouragement or something.. I don't know really... to get back on track. I don't eat much all day until late. I drink caffeine and sugar most of the day. I start off with a Protein coffee I make myself and I use sugar free caramel syrup but use regular french vanilla creamer. I also use either 6 star protein ready made Protein shakes or advantage. I can drink three of those a day which is 600 to 800 calories! Then I eat one meal. Usually, it is a healthy meal. I don't crave bad food. Just sugar!!! I eat fudgesicles at night. Why am I so hooked on them?????!? They have 70 calories each but I can eat 5 or 6 of them and I know that is why I'm gaining weight. Seems I feel bad all day until I'm alone in the dark watching TV and eating them. It is comfort and I know it! Reverting back to an old very familiar habit of using food to help me feel better. My all time high weight was 300 and I reached 168. Now I'm back to 189 and I'm so scared. I don't see myself being strong enough to change now. I see 200 getting closer and closer and I know once I cross that line again... oh Lord... I don't want to think about it. I know that I am the ONLY one that can change and help myself. I really don't know what I want from you all. I guess maybe I just need to vent.

I'm still struggling with bile reflux, gastritis, and acid reflux. Also terrible esophageal spasms. I'm so stressed. I am my husbands caretaker. My Dr. did change me to Dexilant and it really is so much better than Prilosec. I can tell such a difference but it hasn't cured anything, but helps. My husband and I met with hospice yesterday and we decided not to go with them right now. He is moving around and still himself and able to do a few things on his own. So, I have to respect his wishes. I really don't want them here just yet either. Heck the Dr's said for me to call them back in January! No way.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I just needed to get things out. I appreciate you all. Here is a pic of before, then at 168 and now. I really want so bad to reach my goal of 155. SO BAD!!

What a beautiful couple. My heart is clenched right now filled with only a prayer to our Heavenly Father to lay his hands on your family. Kisses & hugs.

Lisa,

I am thinking of you. Do be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. Both for you and your sweet man. I will tell you what my best friend told me: Don't trouble trouble till trouble troubles you. It's hard to not look to future and dread what is coming, but if you can, enjoy what you have now.

If you live somewhere with grocery delivery consider using that to get healthy foods delivered to the house.

Lynda

I'm so sorry for everything that you and Bear are going through! Life is not fair! It's not easy to do the things we need to for ourselves when we see our loved ones struggling. Keep coming on here for support, talking with friends, and anything else you can do to let out your feelings. You are going through so much and need to be able to share it rather then bottle it up and resort back to old habits to deal with it. I know I would need a lot of support if I was in your shoes as I am an emotional eater. I agree that seeing a therapist might also be helpful.

Take care of yourself for his sake because I'm sure he wants you to be happy and healthy despite everything that's going on. You are a beautiful couple! You and Bear are in my thoughts!

The pics tell the real story, don't they? My heart breaks for y'all. I lost a dear friend today to cancer. Seems like so much more of it these days

I love fudge sickles too. I buy the Popsicle brand NO SUGAR ADDED. they are only 40 cals and good. So you can still have them and not feel so guilty. Just try to eat healthy to keep up your strength and energy as well as mental health.

Bless you!

Hugs to you and Bear and the family. One day at a time, that's all you can do. I love the idea Lynda gave about the grocery delivery service.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

Thank you all so much. I love the support I get here. All of the advice helps me so much.

I had to put Bear in the hospital two days ago. He started vomiting and his labs were all off. Finally after two days he is stable and I will bring him home tomorrow. Just hurts me so much know that itwon't be for long. It is hard to be happy. I love him so much and can't even describe how much that really is. He rescued me from a life of abusive partners and a Dad to my daughter that was never there for her and he became her dad. He really is my knight in shinning armor. The most selfless man I'veever met and now I'm losing him. I'm blessed that I've had him in my life for 11 years. Oh my Lord in Heaven.... this is sooooooo hard! :'(

Thanks again to all of you!!

All our love to you guys.

Thoughts and prayers, love and light sent to you. We are all here for you!!

Dear Lisa: sending you and Bear lots of love and light. Don't be hard on yourself right now about regaining a few lbs. You are doing your best to cope with a horrible situation and my heart goes out to you. Please be as loving, kind and caring to yourself as you are to your sweet husband.

I lost my mom to cancer 2 years ago and then my sister just a few months ago............ you obviously have taken the first step and noticed something so now you can take action, throwing those popcicles away is a great idea. i just recently gained back 17 lbs of my 119 lb loss and am taking the reigns back........... you can do this !!!

So sorry to hear about your husband. It's such a tragedy. I can't imagine what you're going through.

My wife lost 2 sisters to breast cancer and is very much worried about getting it.

He's lucky to have you by his side ...

Lisa2job I'm sorry for the loss of your sister.

Thank you all for your support. Seems my husband is getting worse. They removed 23 pounds of Fluid this morning and last week he spent 3 days in the hospital. Usually, he feels much better after the parancentesis to remove the fluid but today he doesn't. He is sleeping a lot lately and he is just skin,bones, and fluid. He is so pitiful. :'( I do everything for him and yesterday after his bath, I was trying to put deodorant on him and I tell y'all he has no tissue between his bones and skin. This is so hard to watch. I never realized it would be like this. God help me and please continue to pray for my strength and his comfort.

God Bless! Thank you.

Edited May 20, 201412 yr by Lisa's Hope

Dear @@Lisa's Hope, I'm praying for you, your husband and for your family in this difficult time. I won't try to give you advice on how to get back on track. I went through 3 losses in 10 months and it is extremely difficult to overcome something like this. I couldn't even imagine how awful this is for you. Take care of yourself in this time, and if you need someone to chat with I'm here. Hugs!

Lisa

Did they give him a round of IV albumin too?