All I can say is I need help. On May 21st I will be 2 years post op. Since my husbands diagnosis of terminal cancer in January, I have been off track. He is getting worse by the day and watching the man I know and love so much slowly disappear in front of my eyes is heartbreaking. I cry every night after he goes to sleep. I know I have to travel this journey and I'm trying so hard to hold it together. I don't think he will be here two more months. When we got married 10 years ago, I knew I had finally found my soul mate. He is 48.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is to ask for encouragement or something.. I don't know really... to get back on track. I don't eat much all day until late. I drink caffeine and sugar most of the day. I start off with a Protein coffee I make myself and I use sugar free caramel syrup but use regular french vanilla creamer. I also use either 6 star protein ready made Protein shakes or advantage. I can drink three of those a day which is 600 to 800 calories! Then I eat one meal. Usually, it is a healthy meal. I don't crave bad food. Just sugar!!! I eat fudgesicles at night. Why am I so hooked on them?????!? They have 70 calories each but I can eat 5 or 6 of them and I know that is why I'm gaining weight. Seems I feel bad all day until I'm alone in the dark watching TV and eating them. It is comfort and I know it! Reverting back to an old very familiar habit of using food to help me feel better. My all time high weight was 300 and I reached 168. Now I'm back to 189 and I'm so scared. I don't see myself being strong enough to change now. I see 200 getting closer and closer and I know once I cross that line again... oh Lord... I don't want to think about it. I know that I am the ONLY one that can change and help myself. I really don't know what I want from you all. I guess maybe I just need to vent.

I'm still struggling with bile reflux, gastritis, and acid reflux. Also terrible esophageal spasms. I'm so stressed. I am my husbands caretaker. My Dr. did change me to Dexilant and it really is so much better than Prilosec. I can tell such a difference but it hasn't cured anything, but helps. My husband and I met with hospice yesterday and we decided not to go with them right now. He is moving around and still himself and able to do a few things on his own. So, I have to respect his wishes. I really don't want them here just yet either. Heck the Dr's said for me to call them back in January! No way.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I just needed to get things out. I appreciate you all. Here is a pic of before, then at 168 and now. I really want so bad to reach my goal of 155. SO BAD!!

Are hospice care well-managing his pain and/or anxiety? Minimizing his suffering should be the primary focus.

And again, SO MANY hugs to you. I know this is absolutely grueling and so constantly, exquisitely painful. You will get through it, cry all you need to, and be super gentle with yourself. Try to get as much sleep as you can as well. Forget about anything else, let your focus go where it needs to. <3

Thinking of you.

Lisa

Did they give him a round of IV albumin too?

Yes he gets this every two weeks.

At least he's getting some half way decent care. I'm so very glad for that. How are you doing? Are you ok?

Are hospice care well-managing his pain and/or anxiety? Minimizing his suffering should be the primary focus.

And again, SO MANY hugs to you. I know this is absolutely grueling and so constantly, exquisitely painful. You will get through it, cry all you need to, and be super gentle with yourself. Try to get as much sleep as you can as well. Forget about anything else, let your focus go where it needs to. <3

His pain is managed well. I don't have him on hospice as I a his sole caregiver. I know there are mixed feelings about this so I won't really get into it. I don't like the hospice care here and Im not willing to give up his albumin infusion which he can't get on hospice. It makes him feel better so we continue to do this every two weeks. I would also have to give up care of our primary doctor and have hospice Dr's take over. Not willing to do that either. I think he deserves everything I can do so I will continue to do so if I can. Thanks for all of your support guys.. I appreciate it.

Lisa I don't know what I would do in your situation. I only know that what I see shows someone who is very giving, very loving, and trying to do the best they can think of through an extremely stressful, upsetting, and tiring situation.

My prayers and love to you both. I wish that everyone had a strong commitment like you both do.

Dear @@Lisa's Hope, I'm praying for you, your husband and for your family in this difficult time. I won't try to give you advice on how to get back on track. I went through 3 losses in 10 months and it is extremely difficult to overcome something like this. I couldn't even imagine how awful this is for you. Take care of yourself in this time, and if you need someone to chat with I'm here. Hugs!

I would love any advice you could give me. I need to get back on track. I'm so down on myself and I know that if I don't do something, I will get back over 200. The weight will be here when he is gone and I know this is a hard battle. I'm so distraught!! UGH.. why can't I be strong enough to not let this happen again! I'm losing in everything.

I personally went to seek out professional help. It is NOT easy to overcome losing loved ones, especially more than one or in your case your best friend and lover in this world. I cannot imagine...

I went to see a psychiatrist as well as a therapist who helped me deal with the issue of grief and losing loved ones. I had about 4 sessions before I started to feel well enough that I didn't need to go back, but I do have her information should I need to see her at any time. I was very helpful. The fact is if our brains aren't in the right place we will not be able to function in the capacity that is necessary for weight loss and/or maintenance.

That is my advice at this time. Go talk to someone, get some help through this awful time in your life. Go as long and as often as you need to. In the mean time I will pray for your strength and that someday all you will need are the good memories to get through each day.

Dear @@Lisa's Hope, I'm praying for you, your husband and for your family in this difficult time. I won't try to give you advice on how to get back on track. I went through 3 losses in 10 months and it is extremely difficult to overcome something like this. I couldn't even imagine how awful this is for you. Take care of yourself in this time, and if you need someone to chat with I'm here. Hugs!

I would love any advice you could give me. I need to get back on track. I'm so down on myself and I know that if I don't do something, I will get back over 200. The weight will be here when he is gone and I know this is a hard battle. I'm so distraught!! UGH.. why can't I be strong enough to not let this happen again! I'm losing in everything.

I agree with Irene. I saw a therapist for quite some time, off and on, after going through this. I also went on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for a long time (and then again later with a bit of PTSD going on). It's nothing to trifle with -- it's truly the hardest thing ever, in my opinion.

I should add, eventually the bittersweet memories became more prominent than the experience I had lived through -- and sadness remains, but life goes on. And your heart goes on. Truly.

I am sure that if I was going through what you are going through I would be walking into walls and sobbing at all times....I am so sorry for your troubles. Cancer is a horrible enemy and it is so unfair for anyone to suffer so much....

Please look after yourself.. Not just for you but for your soul mate as well.. If the dark night is when you slip up chose something else to do instead of sitting there alone...Take a hot bath and or maybe read a book...I don't know. All I know is adding to your pain is way to much right now.....

Do the best you can for both of you...Once again please except my best wishes in this time of hardship!

I personally went to seek out professional help. It is NOT easy to overcome losing loved ones, especially more than one or in your case your best friend and lover in this world. I cannot imagine...

I went to see a psychiatrist as well as a therapist who helped me deal with the issue of grief and losing loved ones. I had about 4 sessions before I started to feel well enough that I didn't need to go back, but I do have her information should I need to see her at any time. I was very helpful. The fact is if our brains aren't in the right place we will not be able to function in the capacity that is necessary for weight loss and/or maintenance.

That is my advice at this time. Go talk to someone, get some help through this awful time in your life. Go as long and as often as you need to. In the mean time I will pray for your strength and that someday all you will need are the good memories to get through each day.

Dear @@Lisa's Hope, I'm praying for you, your husband and for your family in this difficult time. I won't try to give you advice on how to get back on track. I went through 3 losses in 10 months and it is extremely difficult to overcome something like this. I couldn't even imagine how awful this is for you. Take care of yourself in this time, and if you need someone to chat with I'm here. Hugs!

I would love any advice you could give me. I need to get back on track. I'm so down on myself and I know that if I don't do something, I will get back over 200. The weight will be here when he is gone and I know this is a hard battle. I'm so distraught!! UGH.. why can't I be strong enough to not let this happen again! I'm losing in everything.

Thank you. I've already lost my parents and several other people in my life so I'm no stranger to grief. I appreciate so much your advice. Thanks again.

Lisa I don't know what I would do in your situation. I only know that what I see shows someone who is very giving, very loving, and trying to do the best they can think of through an extremely stressful, upsetting, and tiring situation.

My prayers and love to you both. I wish that everyone had a strong commitment like you both do.

Thank you so much! <3

Lisa, I'm wondering if there is anyone from church that come and sit with you in the evenings sometimes. Maybe just someone being there even if you don't talk, or maybe you do, or maybe someone just to hold you while you cry or to pray with you. Just throwing this out there. Again my heart goes out to you.

I didn't read the 5 pages of replies, as I felt they were personal and for you. I will say that I'm a firm believer that cancer is just pure evil. Please take the time to take care of yourself, I know that is hard, but the more you take care of yourself, the more you can take care of your Bear. I lost my father to an inoperable brain tumor when I was 12, and then my grandfather (an angel in my eyes) when I was only 20. Cancer ravaged the men in my life, and it was very hard for me to grieve and let the anger go, it took me several years to allow myself to love my husband, out of fear that he too would leave me too soon.

I believe the coffee maybe a factor in the reflux, there are several low acid coffees on the market, and they really do make a difference. Also ask about protonix, it's cheap, has been around forever and works really great on acid.

I also have a suggestion for the fudgesicles, buy sugar free pudding mix, and make it with almond milk, freeze in popsicle molds and have those, they are only a few calories and really help boost Protein intake. I lived on them during my "whole liquid stage" You could also get the pre-made sugar free puddings and freeze them, they are more limited in flavors, and are about double the portion of a popsicle mold but much easier. I make them for my daughter and her friends, sometimes we layer chocolate and banana, or cheesecake pudding with strawberry and cream pudding. I will make the cheesecake for myself and the girls with crush oreo's into theirs. Since I don't care for oreos (I know I'm un American) I'm not tempted.

Last but not least know that your bariatric family is here, we may be miles away, but we are never more than a keyboard and monitor from you. Prayers and love to your family tonight, and always~Mandy

PS: feel free to email me, my address is in my signature. I'm online and check my mail several times a day. Even if you just need to vent, or want someone to tell you that you are stronger than you realize. (((hugs)))