All I can say is I need help. On May 21st I will be 2 years post op. Since my husbands diagnosis of terminal cancer in January, I have been off track. He is getting worse by the day and watching the man I know and love so much slowly disappear in front of my eyes is heartbreaking. I cry every night after he goes to sleep. I know I have to travel this journey and I'm trying so hard to hold it together. I don't think he will be here two more months. When we got married 10 years ago, I knew I had finally found my soul mate. He is 48.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is to ask for encouragement or something.. I don't know really... to get back on track. I don't eat much all day until late. I drink caffeine and sugar most of the day. I start off with a Protein coffee I make myself and I use sugar free caramel syrup but use regular french vanilla creamer. I also use either 6 star protein ready made Protein shakes or advantage. I can drink three of those a day which is 600 to 800 calories! Then I eat one meal. Usually, it is a healthy meal. I don't crave bad food. Just sugar!!! I eat fudgesicles at night. Why am I so hooked on them?????!? They have 70 calories each but I can eat 5 or 6 of them and I know that is why I'm gaining weight. Seems I feel bad all day until I'm alone in the dark watching TV and eating them. It is comfort and I know it! Reverting back to an old very familiar habit of using food to help me feel better. My all time high weight was 300 and I reached 168. Now I'm back to 189 and I'm so scared. I don't see myself being strong enough to change now. I see 200 getting closer and closer and I know once I cross that line again... oh Lord... I don't want to think about it. I know that I am the ONLY one that can change and help myself. I really don't know what I want from you all. I guess maybe I just need to vent.

I'm still struggling with bile reflux, gastritis, and acid reflux. Also terrible esophageal spasms. I'm so stressed. I am my husbands caretaker. My Dr. did change me to Dexilant and it really is so much better than Prilosec. I can tell such a difference but it hasn't cured anything, but helps. My husband and I met with hospice yesterday and we decided not to go with them right now. He is moving around and still himself and able to do a few things on his own. So, I have to respect his wishes. I really don't want them here just yet either. Heck the Dr's said for me to call them back in January! No way.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I just needed to get things out. I appreciate you all. Here is a pic of before, then at 168 and now. I really want so bad to reach my goal of 155. SO BAD!!

I didn't read the 5 pages of replies, as I felt they were personal and for you. I will say that I'm a firm believer that cancer is just pure evil. Please take the time to take care of yourself, I know that is hard, but the more you take care of yourself, the more you can take care of your Bear. I lost my father to an inoperable brain tumor when I was 12, and then my grandfather (an angel in my eyes) when I was only 20. Cancer ravaged the men in my life, and it was very hard for me to grieve and let the anger go, it took me several years to allow myself to love my husband, out of fear that he too would leave me too soon.

I believe the coffee maybe a factor in the reflux, there are several low acid coffees on the market, and they really do make a difference. Also ask about protonix, it's cheap, has been around forever and works really great on acid.

I also have a suggestion for the fudgesicles, buy sugar free pudding mix, and make it with almond milk, freeze in popsicle molds and have those, they are only a few calories and really help boost Protein intake. I lived on them during my "whole liquid stage" You could also get the pre-made sugar free puddings and freeze them, they are more limited in flavors, and are about double the portion of a popsicle mold but much easier. I make them for my daughter and her friends, sometimes we layer chocolate and banana, or cheesecake pudding with strawberry and cream pudding. I will make the cheesecake for myself and the girls with crush oreo's into theirs. Since I don't care for oreos (I know I'm un American) I'm not tempted.

Last but not least know that your bariatric family is here, we may be miles away, but we are never more than a keyboard and monitor from you. Prayers and love to your family tonight, and always~Mandy

PS: feel free to email me, my address is in my signature. I'm online and check my mail several times a day. Even if you just need to vent, or want someone to tell you that you are stronger than you realize. (((hugs)))

Thank you so much Mandy. I appreciate all the great advice. I am taking Dexilant and have tried all the other PPI's which I've tried ALL of them. Dexilant is so expensive but my insurance finally approved the meds. It helps so much better than the rest. I know I need to stop the coffee. I need it but I know it is making the reflux worse but the bile reflux is caused from the motility issues.

Oh thanks so much for the recipes for the fudgesicles!! I definitely will try those. I love and appreciate all of you so much for helping me!! <3

The love of my life passed away last Sunday at 7:05 pm. His last days were filled with tremendous suffering that haunts me. The better half of my life is gone and I have no idea how to me me without him. Yes life goes on but right now it has stopped for me. Six long months of suffering and yes I know he is with Jesus but I miss him and am selfish and want him back. I'm broken.

Sending hugs and condolences.

Lisa,

I am so sorry for your loss. Know that we are here for you during this difficult time. Sending prayers your way.

know that we are all thinking of you.

Dear Lisa: you have been an incredible source of love, care and comfort to your husband at the end of his life. I believe it is one of the greatest acts of love one can give. You don't feel this way now, in your grief, but you have been and continue to be blessed. You have been an angel of love to your husband and suffered along with him. My heart goes out to you. I pray that God sends you deep and abiding peace and a sense of His unending love for you.

Sending you prayers of strength and comfort. Im so very sorry.

Lisa,

My thoughts are with you. Please be gentle with yourself. Everyone gets through grief in their own personal way. There is no one right way.

Lynda

I am so sorry. Words don't begin to describe the loss

My younger sister died if cancer at age 39, we had been very close. She suffered mightily, way more than I thought possible. I had trauma from the memory of her pain. Her cancer spread to her bones and she died of her bones collapse onto her organs. I am only sharing this so you know that what you have gone through is huge. Seek some help and support. It took me about 7 years after she died for me to face the trauma aspects and I don't recommend that path.

So sorry for your loss. Praying for you. Hugs

I am incredibly sorry for your loss.

I am terribly sorry for your loss @@Lisa's Hope. My deepest sorrow and sympathies, and my prayers going out to you for any bit of strength to get through this tragedy. Love, light and hugs...

The love of my life passed away last Sunday at 7:05 pm. His last days were filled with tremendous suffering that haunts me. The better half of my life is gone and I have no idea how to me me without him. Yes life goes on but right now it has stopped for me. Six long months of suffering and yes I know he is with Jesus but I miss him and am selfish and want him back. I'm broken.

Lisa, I just read the sad news. I'm so sorry to hear this but I know you are glad he is not in pain anymore. Cancer is truly a horrible disease. I've lost two good friends in recent days to it also.

Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Praying Jesus wraps His arms of peace around you so you can rest.

I am so sorry Lisa. There is no words to describe the pain you must be feeling right now.....To lose such a special person is life changing on its own.

May you find the strength to go on and keep the fond memories of him close to your heart.

My heart aches for you!

The love of my life passed away last Sunday at 7:05 pm. His last days were filled with tremendous suffering that haunts me. The better half of my life is gone and I have no idea how to me me without him. Yes life goes on but right now it has stopped for me. Six long months of suffering and yes I know he is with Jesus but I miss him and am selfish and want him back. I'm broken.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and your family. He is no longer suffering and is in a good place now. You will see him again someday. Try to take care of yourself the best that you can.