All I can say is I need help. On May 21st I will be 2 years post op. Since my husbands diagnosis of terminal cancer in January, I have been off track. He is getting worse by the day and watching the man I know and love so much slowly disappear in front of my eyes is heartbreaking. I cry every night after he goes to sleep. I know I have to travel this journey and I'm trying so hard to hold it together. I don't think he will be here two more months. When we got married 10 years ago, I knew I had finally found my soul mate. He is 48.

I guess the reason I'm writing this is to ask for encouragement or something.. I don't know really... to get back on track. I don't eat much all day until late. I drink caffeine and sugar most of the day. I start off with a Protein coffee I make myself and I use sugar free caramel syrup but use regular french vanilla creamer. I also use either 6 star protein ready made Protein shakes or advantage. I can drink three of those a day which is 600 to 800 calories! Then I eat one meal. Usually, it is a healthy meal. I don't crave bad food. Just sugar!!! I eat fudgesicles at night. Why am I so hooked on them?????!? They have 70 calories each but I can eat 5 or 6 of them and I know that is why I'm gaining weight. Seems I feel bad all day until I'm alone in the dark watching TV and eating them. It is comfort and I know it! Reverting back to an old very familiar habit of using food to help me feel better. My all time high weight was 300 and I reached 168. Now I'm back to 189 and I'm so scared. I don't see myself being strong enough to change now. I see 200 getting closer and closer and I know once I cross that line again... oh Lord... I don't want to think about it. I know that I am the ONLY one that can change and help myself. I really don't know what I want from you all. I guess maybe I just need to vent.

I'm still struggling with bile reflux, gastritis, and acid reflux. Also terrible esophageal spasms. I'm so stressed. I am my husbands caretaker. My Dr. did change me to Dexilant and it really is so much better than Prilosec. I can tell such a difference but it hasn't cured anything, but helps. My husband and I met with hospice yesterday and we decided not to go with them right now. He is moving around and still himself and able to do a few things on his own. So, I have to respect his wishes. I really don't want them here just yet either. Heck the Dr's said for me to call them back in January! No way.

Anyway, thanks for reading. I just needed to get things out. I appreciate you all. Here is a pic of before, then at 168 and now. I really want so bad to reach my goal of 155. SO BAD!!

Lisa, God's Grace as you struggle to get through the loss of your love. We all have lost loved ones, but we all know that we can't, take away your terrible pain and heartbreak, it is a long and slow process until you find a way to go on in life, and see the sunshine and sunsets again. I can hardly bear to look at my 30 y/o son's picture, from 7 years ago when he died. I cope, but the pain will forever be in my heart and soul. I am glad that you were able to find that special love in your life. Prayers for you. Linda

I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers continued to be sent up for you.

Please accept my sincere condolences in the loss of your dear husband.

Although he is no longer physically beside you, he very much feels your unending love just the same. I know you want him back, but you have not lost him. He is in your heart a-l-w-a-y-s. Wishing you peace and gentle healing. For now, just feel your feelings--don't question them, don't apologize for them, just be.

I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences to you.

I'm so sorry. You're not permanently broken, but changed -- yes. You will live through this. Much love and hugs to you.

Im.sorry for your husband's dilemma . One thing I do know: when he does succumb, and u dont know when, he will be gone but you will still be here. You need to think about your lives now while you are together and do what you both want. But you also need to think about your life after. ..and plan not to make it so much harder by being 20 lbs heavier. It wont help.

Hugs

Im.sorry for your husband's dilemma . One thing I do know: when he does succumb, and u dont know when, he will be gone but you will still be here. You need to think about your lives now while you are together and do what you both want. But you also need to think about your life after. ..and plan not to make it so much harder by being 20 lbs heavier. It wont help.

Hugs

Thank you Rosy, but my husband died June 8th.

how are you doing hon?

I am so sorry to learn this and please forgive the ill timed words preceeding. I had hoped to share that with u in a timely fashion. And how are you coping with this now? People usually say they will get thru it but I have found that it is not something we get thru at all. Rather something we grow through and emerge completely different. It was that anticipation that kept me curious and going.

No, im still growing, I find...