Hey guys. I have two more months to go until my band and I can't wait. I'm having a SERIOUS issue with my mother about the band. When I initially told my family and my boyfriend, everyone was naturally voicing a lot of concern about complications, etc. My boyfriend finally calmed down after a week or so and said he'd support this decision because he saw how important it was to me. My mother on the other hand has not stopped making "digs" at me for the past few months. Now I wish I'd waited until two days before the surgery to tell her. At first she just kept making it sound like she was just concerned about complications and the fact that I'm a self pay so any complications would be extra $$ I'd have to spend. Now she's making comments to make me feel like I'm taking the "easy" way out and it's REALLY starting to make me sad and hurt. My mom of all people should understand why I'm doing this. I'm six foot one, and I'm at about 280, so I easily need to lose just over a hundred pounds. She's five foot eight, and she's always been on diets, etc. She's the heaviest she's ever been in her life right now, she needs to lose about 40 pounds. What do I say to her to make her stop making these hurtful remarks? I was over there for Easter Sunday and while we were in the livingroom a commercial came on for the band and she said "yeah that's the EASY way out". I started to argue with her and decided to ignore it. I don't want to avoid going over to see her, but I can't take this anymore. My little sister (who by the way is skinny and gorgeous) thinks mom actually might be a little jealous that I'm brave enought to do the band. Mom would never do something like that, she's too scared of surgery and things of that nature. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

She's been a dieter her entire life, and she'll go up and down, but she's never been nearly as overweight as I am. I think she really does hate the idea that maybe I'll become a healthy beautiful weight and she'll be the typical "sloppy pudgy soccer mom". I talked to my sister last night and she said I should just write mom a letter telling her how much it hurts me when she says the stuff she does. My mom isn't good with verbal confrontation. She gets defensive and refuses to admit any wrong doing, at all. I'm gonna get a card tonight, and write her a note in it. Keep your fingers crossed!!! Oh, and someone mentioned their mother in law earlier. My future mother in law doesnt' know about the band, and won't ever know as far as I can help it. She's a "kept woman" who doesnt' work, so she exercises three hours a day and likes to tell my boyfriend that since he started dating me he's put on ALL this weight, blah blah blah. Basically hinting that his FAT girlfriend is making him fat. He's only about 15 pounds overweight!! He's just got a little tiny gut, that's all!!! I can't wait to make her eat her words!!

Actually, I was thinking that you should mention to her (after one of her little jabs) that you don't want to wind up like her...

That is very close to what I had to say to my parents to get them to stop their jabs about my weight. I had 2 comments rehearsed and waiting for them at Christmas time. 1) "I am attempting to alter my gentic outcome" and 2) "I am changing my heritage"....

This is probably the primary reason I have NOT told my parents about me being banded.... The support is not there now and has never been there, why would this surgery change things???

Hi Brandy,

Everyone here has great thoughts on your situation. I am scheduled for May 21st to be banded by Dr. Ortiz in Mexico. I am self pay also and was able to pay for it by withdrawing my 401k money to pay for it. I am really excited, but nervous and stressed because my Mom is not happy that I drained my 401k for it. Also, paying for the airfare, which isn't that much actually so far. She has been in a mood ever since I showed her the check and made the appt. Noone wants me to go alone, but seriously, I think I should. She even told me to start cutting back my portions now, since I will have to do it soon anyways. Well, I won't cut anything back until I find out how much I need to lose from the nutritionist, etc. lol

Take care and good luck.

Peace,

Judy

Writting your mom a letter or a card is a very good idea. Let her know how much she hurts you with that sort of remark and then try to put all that aside. Forget mom, forget MIL, forget all the people that are ignorant about the band, they are not able to give you much help right now, are they? so, it's better not to discuss it with them as you will not learn anything new about the band from them, they'll just get on your nerves and that's something you don't need right now.

Now it's the time for you to focus on yourself and to learn as much as possible about the band. That argument of the «easy way out» is by far one of the most stupid things ever heard about the band and typical of ignorant people. I don't even bother to discuss it anymore...

Best of luck.

niki

Brandy- I don't have any sage advice, seems like a lot of other people covered that. Just letting you know I sympathize for you, and hope when it's all said and done with your mom will support you.

I heard someone mention MIL... I haven't told any of the future in-laws.. Fiance hasn't said anything to them either(not sure why, haven't bothered to bring it up).

His parents don't live near us, so I thought maybe he plans to 'surprise' them when we see them for Christmas.

I've told most people I know, friends, family, co-workers. Most people just say why?? And after I say 'Meet my stomachs' and brief overview of yo-yo diets, they just say "That's exciting, good luck!"

Here is another article that I printed out and gave to all the people who are important to me. I think it helps..

What is Morbid Obesity?

Though we all use the terms "fat" and "obese" casually in conversation, there is a medical definition of the condition—and yes, obesity is considered a health "conditionAccording to the National Institutes of Health (NIH), a person is considered "obese" when he or she weighs 20 percent or more than his or her ideal body weight. At that point, the person's weight poses a real health risk. Obesity becomes "morbid" when it significantly increases the risk of one or more obesity-related health conditions or serious diseases (also known as co-morbidities).

Morbid obesity—sometimes called "clinically severe obesity"—is defined as being 100 lbs. or more over ideal body weight or having a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 40 or higher. <O:p

According to the NIH Consensus Report, morbid obesity is a serious chronic disease, meaning that its symptoms build slowly over an extended period of time. Today 97 million Americans, more than one-third of the adult population, are overweight or obese. An estimated 5-10 million of those are considered morbidly obese.

<O:p

Health Threats <O:p

• Double the risk of early death if your weight is more than twice your ideal.]
  
• 5-7 times greater risk of death from diabetes or heart attack. <O:p
  
• High risk of "end-stage" (untreatable) obesity.
  
• Numerous negative social, psychological and economic effects.
  
• <O:p
  
• Obesity-related Health Conditions <O:p

Obesity-related health conditions reduce life expectancy. Here are some of the more common conditions. If you would like more information, please speak with your physician,<O:p

• High blood pressure / Heart disease The heart doesn't work right when the body is carrying around excess weight. So the obese person usually gets hypertension (high blood pressure), which leads to strokes and damages the heart and kidneys. <O:p
  
• 
  
• Osteoarthritis of weight-bearing joints
  
• Additional weight placed on joints--especially knees and hips--causes rapid wear and tear, along with pain and inflammation. Similarly, the strain on bones and muscles in the back leads to disk problems, pain, and decreased mobility.
  
• Fat deposits in the tongue and neck can block air passages, especially in patients who sleep on their backs. This causes them to lose sleep and results in daytime drowsiness and headaches.
  
• 
  
• Gastroesophageal reflux disease (Hiatal hernia and heartburn
  
• Excess weight weakens and overloads the valve at the top of the stomach, which then allows stomach acid to escape into the esophagus. This is called gastroesophageal reflux, and "heartburn" and acid indigestion are common symptoms. Approximately 10-15% of patients with even mild heartburn develop Barrett's esophagus, which is a pre-malignant change in the lining membrane and a cause of esophageal cancer.
  
• 
  
• Depression
  
• People who are obese must deal with constant, depressing emotional challenges: failed diets, disapproval from family and friends, remarks from strangers. Plus, they often experience discrimination and cannot fit comfortably in public places.
  
• 
  
• Urinary stress incontinence
  
• A large, heavy abdomen relaxes pelvic muscles, compounding the effects of childbirth. This weakens the valve on the urinary bladder allowing leakage when coughing, sneezing, or laughing.
  
• 
  
• 
  
• Treatment Options
  
• <O:p
  
• 
  
• Non-surgical<O:p

Traditional weight loss programs rely on a combination of diet, exercise, and behavior modification

Unfortunately, even the best programs only work for a small percentage of people—like less than 5% achieve long-term success. According to the National Institutes of Health NIH, more than 90% of all weight loss program participants regain their weight within one year. And it's even more difficult for morbidly obese patients. <O:p

often move from diet to diet, subjecting their bodies to a severe cycle of weight loss and gain known as "yo-yo" dieting.

We recommend considering surgical weight loss options for these patients. In fact, the risk of death from having surgery is greater than the risks of surgery

BTW, what is up with all this "easy way out" nonsense?

Is taking insulin and insulin enhancing drugs the "easy way out" for diabetics?

Is coronary bypass and stent implantation the "easy way out" for cardiac patients?

Are cholesterol drugs the "easy way out" for people with high cholesterol?

Are hypertension controlling drugs the "easy way out" for people with high blood pressure?

Why would taking proactive steps to improve your life when all other reasonable approaches have failed be somehow morally and ethically suspect? It's not like the majority of us haven't tried over and over again to try every diet and exercise regimen we could. If this is the path we choose to get healthy then let us reap the results, good or bad.

If the critics ain't down in the arena then I don't see where they have much to say worth listening to.

Great points ouachita!

I am amazed at the number of people that think that it is the "easy way out" There is nothing easy about it! It is very difficult to give up something you have had in any quantity all your life. Right after getting banded, all I wanted was a Happy Meal. That is so hard to pass up when you think you are starving to death. And I think most of us could woof one down in 5 bites max. Now everything has to be chewed and chewed. The pain after surgery is terrible, going out socially is now different. Feel good for yourself that it isn't the "easy way out" and you will be making good changes for you...not anyone else.

It's funny, I thought, "hmm, mom sounds jealous" before I had even read that she is overweight herself. A friend of mine who has also struggled with her weight told me over lunch one day that she was really going to step up her routine because she was not, like me, going to "take the easy way out. I'm actually going to have to work." If my mouth hadn't been full, it would have dropped to the table at her rudeness. I think when people have struggled themselves, this 'stomach shrinking' seems to be a perfect solution, so they become bitter about not being able (for pride or whatever reason) to do it themselves. This manifests itself as digs at you. It is said that the man most likely to throw stones at a glass house is the man who very nearly lived in one himself.

It's kind of contradictory to be concerned about the risks and complications (or so she said), and then claim that it is an easy thing to do.

If she keeps up, I'd be very tempted with something snarky like, "Yeah, it's the easy way out - so why don't you try it? Clearly the hard way hasn't been working for you."

Send her here, to us. We'll give her a dose of reality.

But you know, it might not be a bad idea to have her read your opening post here.

I can relate too, i have even wondered myself if i took the easy way out until the first night after surgery...its painful...more than i thought it would be...then i really changed my mind about the easy way out when i was using every ounce of willpower i had to only drink Water and broth for 2 weeks...NOT EASY...and then...just because you cant physically eat a hamburger doesn't mean you dont want one just as much as you did before the band, so theres still so much willpower involved. not easy, not cheap, but totally totally totally worth it. your mom is definitely having some jealousy issues coming out wether she wants to admit it or even realizes it. 2 years from now when you are feeling wonderful and beautiful and healthy hopefully you wont consider what your mom's opinions are and just enjoy life like you always wanted.

oachita- so hilarious...imagine if people really did extend their biases and ill informed opinions about obesity to other diseases. it totally illustrates how ignorant people are...

Hi Laura,

I noticed you were being banded today 4/16, and I wanted to wish you good luck.

I am being banded on May 21st with Dr. Ortiz in Mexico and I started my pre-op diet today. I was told to try and lose about 20-36 lbs by that date. So, the nutritionist said to drink a Protein shake for Breakfast and dinner and a Lean cuisine for lunch. I can munch on lots of veggies and drink all the diet drinks I want. So, far it has been ok, but rough.

Take care,

Judy

Thank you for reminding me why I didn't tell my family!!

BTW, I think you should copy what Jack wrote word for word. Ain't he just the greatest?

Say nothing now except at some convenient moment "you will be sorry for the unkind comments". Only say it one time. Then let it drop until you are skinny.

THEN, at every appropriate opportunity, ask her why she is so damn fat.

The revenge will be sweet.