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Specific friend advice needed! Pic included



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Okay, so I know that there are a billion threads on here about friendships/relationships changing after surgery, but I'm needing advice on this specific situation.

**Keep in mind, nobody knows about my surgery except my husband and mom, so to the outside world, it appears that I've cut out all carbs, alcohol, sugar, etc... And I work out every day. If people have asked, I say I substitute Breakfast and sometimes dinner with Protein shakes.

So here's the situation- This friend and I have been friends (best friends all through hs) since 3rd grade... About 20 years. She has always been anywhere from a size 2-6 and has been at a 6 for years. My point is, she's always been tall and skinny. For years, we lived several hours apart so we would only see each other maybe 4 times a year. Coincidentally, back in the fall, we both got promotions in the same week (different industries and companies) and ended up in the same state about 30 minutes away. Needless to say, we see each other about once a month. She is getting married in October and I'm a bridesmaid (as was she in my wedding 5 years ago).

I had my surgery in December and have lost 65 lbs. I have gone from a size 22 down to a 14. Everybody, and I mean everyone from family to strangers that I have only met a few times have given me such wonderful compliments! Of course, my family, members of my sales team, friends, etc... know this has been a life long struggle of weight loss and gain, and while everything else in life is great (career,marriage,social life), the weight is always my insecurity. So, each time I have seen this friend, I've dropped 20 lbs, 20, and then the most recent 20 totally 60 lbs when I saw her a few weeks ago. Crickets. She has not once given me a compliment or even acknowledged that I have lost weight. She is one of the most OBSERVANT people I have ever met in my life. She notices every detail of an outfit if a complete stranger walks by. Yet, she says nothing to acknowledge my shrinking body. Now, I know I did not do this to seek approval from her, however I'm a very honest and blunt person and it absolutely kills me that I've given her every opportunity to acknowledge this change and NOTHING. Here's the kicker... Last week, we were texting and she was telling me how she had just seen one of her other friends and that friend had lost 10 lbs and looked so great! "Her arms were so tiny! She is so excited! Of course I told her how great she looked!" .... I about lost my mind!!!

Well, this Wednesday, I have to go with her and her sister to shop for bridesmaid dresses... Maybe Wednesday isn't the appropriate time to say something, but I need advice, specific advice, on how to address this, what to say, when, etc... Help, people!!! I don't think I can stay quiet any longer!!!

post-198212-0-07497100-1395578811_thumb.jpg

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I haven't told anyone about my surgery either so I'm not really sure how I would address a friend like this but sometimes I can be pretty blunt when something is bothering me. When shopping, I would probably say "Jane Doe, I can't believe you haven't mentioned my weight loss". This doesn't leave the person any "outs". They have to say, "I have noticed and chose not to say anything" or "No sorry I didn't notice". Well, after 60 pounds, if they haven't noticed, then you are invisible to them. I'm not saying to do it this way but I am thinking I probably would. This gets everything out on the table so it can be discussed. Plus, if you are looking for bridesmaids dresses you will most likely be ordering a size much smaller than you currently are. She will have to notice that as well. Maybe she suspects you had the surgery and feels hurt you didn't share that info with her, so she has decided not to acknowledge the weight loss. I don't know, people can be pretty weird sometimes. By the way, congratulations on losing that 60 pounds. That is great work and you look fabulous. Be happy for yourself and don't let others steal your joy.

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Try giving her the benefit of the doubt as she is likely all wrapped up in her wedding planning. And I agree...looking for bridesmaids dresses is not the time to call her out on anything.

Having said that however....I would suggest when you come out of the dressing room and see that you look spectacular...you should say loudly and forcefully....I looook faabulous in this dress!

I know...it's not how we roll. Most of us are so overwhelmed by how we look, that we sit in the dressing room or stand in front of the mirror and cry...and the poor saleslady has no idea what's going on.

But if you acknowledge your success loud and clear, there's no way she can avoid it.

Let us know how it goes, OK? I for one am mighty curious.

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Maybe the reason she has not said anything is that it will "change" the relationship. We all have roles in our relationships. I tend to be the wise cracker and make people laugh. I have a friend who is the drama Queen. I have a friend who is the sensitive one. Maybe deep down she is scared you are changing and therefore your friendship will change. Truth is you are changing. Inside and out!

My suggestion is before you go shopping go out for coffee and tell her something is bugging you. Be open and honest with her. If she is the friend that you say she is then honesty is the best approach.

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You look great and congrats on your weight loss and your choice to be healthy, I am sorry that your friend is rude and yes I am going to say it hating, she does not want to give you the credit you deserve. Perhaps the real issue is that you have made her feel so great by being such a great friend that she thought that perhaps you were insecure and now that you are turning into the beautiful swan you always has been but just healthy she does not know how to congratulate you like a true friend should and would. Im sorry but I would just come out and comfort her and tell her that you have always support her in her life choices and it hurts to know that she has not even mentioned the fact of the positive changes you have made to be healthy. You dont have to tell her how you lost weight but the fact that you have made positive changes to become more healthy. If she does not apologize for her bad behavior I would limit my contact with her because you are a true friend and deserve the same in return. Good luck and keep us posted.

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I agree about giving her the benefit of the doubt and being wrapped up in her wedding ... however, the road of friendship is about give and take. Especially if this is a childhood friend!! Someone that has been through more of your life with you than your spouse. It may be time to have the talk about taking great responsibility in your health and improving your quality of life. Not that you have to tell all ... but by saying, hey, a little positive reinforcement from you would be wonderful, might make her see the new you in different eyes!

Congrats on #60! That's amazing! You are an inspiration to us bandsters! Keep up the great work!

Edited by bamagurl

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You look great and congrats on your weight loss and your choice to be healthy, I am sorry that your friend is rude and yes I am going to say it hating, she does not want to give you the credit you deserve. Perhaps the real issue is that you have made her feel so great by being such a great friend that she thought that perhaps you were insecure and now that you are turning into the beautiful swan you always has been but just healthy she does not know how to congratulate you like a true friend should and would. Im sorry but I would just come out and comfort her and tell her that you have always support her in her life choices and it hurts to know that she has not even mentioned the fact of the positive changes you have made to be healthy. You dont have to tell her how you lost weight but the fact that you have made positive changes to become more healthy. If she does not apologize for her bad behavior I would limit my contact with her because you are a true friend and deserve the same in return. Good luck and keep us posted.

I absolutely think you are 100% spot on with this situation! I didn't want to give my take on the my reasons why but rather hear outside parties evaluate the situation, which is exactly what you did! She has no clue about the surgery, nor would anyone even suspect it since they have seen me get extremely dedicated to weight loss in the past. (Funny how that works, I'm either all in or all out typically!). I think she liked that being skinny was the only thing she has ever had a one-up on me, and though I'm nowhere close to her size, I laugh in my head thinking how awesome it would be if I could get down to a size 6 or 8 by October when I'm in her wedding. Sweet revenge. Ha! I'm going to take your advice and let her know that I feel like I've always been a supportive friend to her and that I know she is a smart person and one of the most observant people I've ever met and that this has really hurt my feelings and I can't believe she hasn't noticed that I've lost weight! That way she will say "of course I've noticed!" To which I can reply, "Well if that's the case, then you look like a real jerk to not acknowledge it at all after knowing this has been my struggle for the 20 years we've known each other." My concern is that she will get extremely defensive. Oh well, I suppose. Any suggestions when she gets defensive? That's the part that will make me nervous. Normally it wouldn't bother me but she is so passive aggressive that I'll end up wanting to punch her. Hahaha!

I appreciate all of this advice from everyone!!! I am going to take bits and pieces from each suggestion to address this with her!

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Try giving her the benefit of the doubt as she is likely all wrapped up in her wedding planning. And I agree...looking for bridesmaids dresses is not the time to call her out on anything. Having said that however....I would suggest when you come out of the dressing room and see that you look spectacular...you should say loudly and forcefully....I looook faabulous in this dress! I know...it's not how we roll. Most of us are so overwhelmed by how we look, that we sit in the dressing room or stand in front of the mirror and cry...and the poor saleslady has no idea what's going on. But if you acknowledge your success loud and clear, there's no way she can avoid it. Let us know how it goes, OK? I for one am mighty curious.

Thank you for the advice! I wish I could give her the benefit of the doubt... I did that at 20lbs and when I saw her again after 40lbs, but when nothing was said after 60lbs and then a week later, she tells me how great her friend looks that has lost 10 POUNDS... She was very aware what she was doing when she brought that up without me even asking. I wish I could walk out of the dressing room with that much confidence and say that but that would be totally out of character for me. I'm confident but I try to let it show on it's own! I don't plan on trying on dresses... I'll let her size 4 sister do all the trying on! I'll keep ya posted! :)

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I agree about giving her the benefit of the doubt and being wrapped up in her wedding ... however, the road of friendship is about give and take. Especially if this is a childhood friend!! Someone that has been through more of your life with you than your spouse. It may be time to have the talk about taking great responsibility in your health and improving your quality of life. Not that you have to tell all ... but by saying, hey, a little positive reinforcement from you would be wonderful, might make her see the new you in different eyes! Congrats on #60! That's amazing! You are an inspiration to us bandsters! Keep up the great work!

Yes!!!! I couldn't agree more... This has been a childhood friend who has been through more with me than most people, including my spouse! That's why this is so hard... If it were a friend of 2 or 3 years, I would probably just eventually cut them off... I am totally using this line of "a little positive reinforcement from you would be wonderful, as you should know more than anyone how much this means to me." Thank you for the advice and compliments! Oh, and I had gastric sleeve so results may vary a bit. :)

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You know shopping for dresses provides a great opportunity to just say. Hey I hope this dress still fits me when the day comes. This diet has been so awesome. Ask the shop how much you can alter etc. Make sure she's around for it.

Maybe she hasn't mentioned it because she's like my neighbor. She has seen the yoyo and doesn't want to hurt my feelings or be discouraging.

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A different take... some of my closest friends, when we've discussed it, have said that even though I've gone from a size 20 to a 12 that they just simply don't notice it. They certainly do if we look at pictures but the comment I hear over and over is that they just see me. Maybe your friend isn't being rude, maybe she just really loves you and doesn't care about what you look like and is just happy to be with you.

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Lots of good advice given above….and yes, if it is bothering you than you should address it with her….my only concern would be the timing….if you think she will get defensive….maybe you would want to wait until after the wedding….as some said she may be wrapped up in the wedding and I would think you don't want to be the reason there is a fight or bump in the road during what will/should be the happiest time in her life, so to speak….just my opinion.

Waiting will only give you more time to get closer to your goal….just my thoughts….wishing you luck…let us know how it goes!

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You have made an oath to yourself that you wouldn't share the surgery to no one except your husband and mom. However this best friend doesn't know about what you have done. My question is 'why' doesn't she know? She is a 20 'year best friend. Maybe she doesn't want to go through it again with you losing and gaining then losing and... You see. She doesn't know that you have a tool that is helping this time around. There could be some jealousy but you know each other well.

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