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Specific friend advice needed! Pic included



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No way to know ...? Dropping 60 pounds in 3 months? Uh ... she has an idea something is going on. Even on the greatest of diets, a small fraction of people can be hitting those kinds of numbers. You say she is observant, my guess is she is also respectful. If I were to try to go inside the female mind for a second, I would think: "Something has occurred with her that she is losing this weight. She looks healthy and appears to have great energy, so it must not be an illness ... it might be a bariatric procedure ... but we have been friends for so long, surely she would have told me about this decision. Maybe we are not as close as I thought we were. I don't know exactly what it is, but obviously she wants to keep it to herself, so I will respect her privacy and not say anything." I post on this site quite often about expectations. They are future resentments. Communication here is key. If you want to know about something, ask. It is not their fault if you get a resentment over something. Oye! I am so glad I'm a boy! I'm just curious, since the wedding is in October, how are you going to do the whole fitting thing? This is going to be something you are going to have to discuss with her. You will have to ensure the dress you get will be easily alterable. Not all dress styles nor materials are conducive to alterations. (My first wife was an extraordinary seamstress)

Hey there :) So a few things: She doesn't know when I started losing weight and I only saw her once in October and had not seen her for a month prior to that... Then I saw her once in November and then pretty much not again until January. Sooo, as far as she knows, I started losing this weight back in September through now, which is 7 months. Also, I have never said to her that I've lost 60 lbs (65 now), nor have I told her what size I used to be and what size I am now, so she wouldn't be able to do the calculations you are doing. I do agree that communication is key and resentment isn't her fault... That's a ME problem...but her not being a good friend and being supportive when I have mentioned how hard I've been working out and eating healthy ... That's a HER problem.

I'm telling you, she would never think I got surgery. I bounced back and was working on day 4 in outside sales, never missed social events, etc... If people have asked what I've been doing, I've just said that I've been working with a nutritionist, she has me eating small meals every few hours to keep up my metabolism and I've been working out almost every day, drinking Protein shakes to replace Breakfast and dinner on most days, cutting carbs, etc...

As for the bridesmaid dress, we are not being fitted on Wednesday, we are just going to look at dresses to see if there is one that we all can decide on. I won't have to order a dress until June and I will go on my own to place my dress order. If I am alone with the lady at all on Wednesday, I will ask how much these dresses can be taken in. Typically, the rule of thumb is 4 sizes max for alterations, but it depends on the style my friend chooses. If that's the case, I will just order a size or 2 down and then have it barely altered. I just did this same thing for a wedding I'm in this May and now the dress is big but won't need crazy alterations had I ordered the size I used to be when I got fitted. Be glad you aren't a woman!!

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In my experience, naturally thin people are oblivious to things like weight loss surgery. Unless they know people who have had it, it's not part of their consciousness to even think of it as a possibility. I'm sure there are exceptions, but for the general public? When I told a couple of people that I was having bariatric surgery, they didn't even know what it was. Again, people who don't live in the world of "diets on, diets off". Just the general description of this "friend", she sounds shallow and conniving. But then again, I have no idea who all the players really are, but at face value??

This is EXACTLY how naturally thin people think, including this friend. You're right, it wouldn't even be on her radar. And honestly, most people would have said I wasn't big enough (even though I clearly was) to have weight loss surgery, so I know she wouldn't think I would ever do something that drastic!

She is very calculated and competitive in every move she makes, which therefore makes me anxious and reserved in telling her anything about my life. It's horrible that I'm saying that, but unfortunately that's how I have felt for the past few years.

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@dreamscometrue It's a little unsettling listening to all the excuses people are making for you 'friend' Even if by some long shot she intuitively knows that you must have had surgery for weight loss, is she was any kind of friend at all she would have at least complimented you on your weight loss. She wouldn't have had to ask you 'how' or anything. All you wanted was a simple acknowledgment of your accomplishment as any real friend would have done. True if she is that self obsessed with her wedding that she can't even compliment a friend then she is the one with a problem You have to be a friend to have friends. in my opinion she is jealous of you now or feels threatened by your sudden transformation somehow. People can be strange and sometimes the green eyed monster within people comes out and then shows you their true colors in times like this. I would make no excuses for her rude behaviour...... I'm not buying that she is 'hurt' or doesn't want to embarrass you by bringing up the subject.... that's a bunch of BS..... sorry. If she hasn't said anything after the fitting then after the wedding I'd be done with her as a friend..... I'm not sugar coating anything.... Rude is Rude.....no excuses for that.

Man, it's like we are the same person! I couldn't have written that better myself! I know we all like to hear what we want to hear, but some of the comments that I should give her the benefit of the doubt for not noticing, this should only be about her wedding, she doesn't want to hurt my feelings by giving me a compliment... What?!?! First of all, her wedding isn't until October, so I don't think it's realistic after I've lost probably close to 100 lbs to finally address this situation. I obviously don't plan on having this heart-to-heart with her on Wednesday, because I want to be a SUPPORTIVE friend. I love what you said- rude is rude. So true!!!

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Just because someone ask you to be a bridesmaid, nothing requires you to accept.

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@dreamscometrue I think people here are trying to give your friend the benefit of the doubt but i see right through her. I'm very intuitive about people and I have a friend who has always been competitive with me so I DO understand this. My friend was so jealous when i was married and she wasn't and would always put my hubby down and say things to me like 'You are a better person than me, I wouldn't put up with his behavior if it were me' NOw I'm divorced and she has someone nice... I wouldn't put her hubby down like that even if it's what i thought. Now she is being sugarly sweet to me. And if i had told her about my weight loss surgery (which I'm not) she would have been very negative about it too. She is gonna freak out when i get thinner than her sometime soon I hope. I will never tell her how i did it though or anyone else. We still have to do the work to lose our weight. The WL is NOT automatic by any means.

I can't wait 'till your friend sees you again In October for her wedding. She is going to be so surprized You are already looking great and it looks like you've been working out too .... am I right? I can't wait until I am able to work out. I'm afraid t just yet to do anything strenuous at this point.... four weeks out.

You keep doing what you're doing.... Don't worry about what anyone says or don't say..... if she has a problem with you losing weight and looking great then that's her problem not yours..... You are doing this for 'YOU" not anyone else..... I could get really mean here but it's a public forum so i won't do any name calling her but your friend is a 'B' sorry..... just keeping it real.... and we ARE alike lol.......... :D :D :D keep up the good work...... You GO girl...... funny but the 'friends' we meet here are sometimes better than our so called 'real life' friends...... The green eyed monstor is a mean one...... B):o:) Hold your head up and smile and act like her behaviour doesn't bother you at all..... that will get to her more than you blowing up at her..... Make sure you look Great when you see her again ......that will be sweet.... no need to say a word...hahahaha :P

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Man, you dudes are clueless - and I say that in the nicest way possible! :)

To those who think you should sing the praises of WLS from the highest mountain, did you ever think people get tired of hearing ALL about it? I don't care what others do but think about how others perceive you. I had a coworker get a RNY about 8 years ago. She went on and on and on and on about it for months! People were so sick of hearing about it. She didn't have a lot of family so maybe she needed people to listen. But trust me, it was TMI! And why do you think they put HIPPA laws into action? It's called privacy and it's a basic rite in healthcare. For those of us who work in healthcare, we are a snarky bunch. I choose to not cause a general distraction and keep them occupied with gossip. My closet inner circle knows. I have zero intention of answering questions about my weight or listening to acquaintances opinions on WLS. Give her a break for not telling people! It's her damn rite! I think many have misread the OP comments that this isn't a best friend anymore. You don't have to take out a sign on the interstate telling everyone nor is everyone entitled to a full disclosure about your life just because you were friends once. Lordy! This thread sure brought out some opinions!

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This thread really seems to illustrate some key differences in how men and women perceive friendship.

I've always been amazed at how differently the genders process these kinds of relationships.

Yes, this is very true. And thank goodness it is that way, because the two genders balance each other out. I believe that is part of what draws us to each other. That being said, woman often pick up on attitudes and subtleties that men don't even sense. And sometimes, it avoids some bad decisions. Never underestimate "women's intuition".

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No way to know ...? Dropping 60 pounds in 3 months? Uh ... she has an idea something is going on. Even on the greatest of diets, a small fraction of people can be hitting those kinds of numbers. You say she is observant, my guess is she is also respectful. If I were to try to go inside the female mind for a second, I would think: "Something has occurred with her that she is losing this weight. She looks healthy and appears to have great energy, so it must not be an illness ... it might be a bariatric procedure ... but we have been friends for so long, surely she would have told me about this decision. Maybe we are not as close as I thought we were. I don't know exactly what it is, but obviously she wants to keep it to herself, so I will respect her privacy and not say anything." I post on this site quite often about expectations. They are future resentments. Communication here is key. If you want to know about something, ask. It is not their fault if you get a resentment over something. Oye! I am so glad I'm a boy! I'm just curious, since the wedding is in October, how are you going to do the whole fitting thing? This is going to be something you are going to have to discuss with her. You will have to ensure the dress you get will be easily alterable. Not all dress styles nor materials are conducive to alterations. (My first wife was an extraordinary seamstress)

Hey there :) So a few things: She doesn't know when I started losing weight and I only saw her once in October and had not seen her for a month prior to that... Then I saw her once in November and then pretty much not again until January. Sooo, as far as she knows, I started losing this weight back in September through now, which is 7 months. Also, I have never said to her that I've lost 60 lbs (65 now), nor have I told her what size I used to be and what size I am now, so she wouldn't be able to do the calculations you are doing. I do agree that communication is key and resentment isn't her fault... That's a ME problem...but her not being a good friend and being supportive when I have mentioned how hard I've been working out and eating healthy ... That's a HER problem.

I'm telling you, she would never think I got surgery. I bounced back and was working on day 4 in outside sales, never missed social events, etc... If people have asked what I've been doing, I've just said that I've been working with a nutritionist, she has me eating small meals every few hours to keep up my metabolism and I've been working out almost every day, drinking Protein shakes to replace breakfast and dinner on most days, cutting carbs, etc...

As for the bridesmaid dress, we are not being fitted on Wednesday, we are just going to look at dresses to see if there is one that we all can decide on. I won't have to order a dress until June and I will go on my own to place my dress order. If I am alone with the lady at all on Wednesday, I will ask how much these dresses can be taken in. Typically, the rule of thumb is 4 sizes max for alterations, but it depends on the style my friend chooses. If that's the case, I will just order a size or 2 down and then have it barely altered. I just did this same thing for a wedding I'm in this May and now the dress is big but won't need crazy alterations had I ordered the size I used to be when I got fitted. Be glad you aren't a woman!!

Sorry, I thought you said the two of you were good friends, best friends through High School and such. I think a lot of people are trying to see the best in her because she is (was) such a good friend of yours. Also, I thought you said you see each other once a month since last fall, so I assumed she had seen you every month since, well ... last fall. I think by your own presumption, she doesn't have to know what your starting weight or sizes are to notice a difference. A drastic one, at that ... right?

So, I'm just going to come right out and say it appears you have already determined you are upset your friend didn't meet your expectations and have come here to validate your feelings. Anything contrarian is going to fall on deaf ears (eyes), so, I will wish you well on your journey and suggest you not let others live rent free in your head.

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Man, you dudes are clueless - and I say that in the nicest way possible! :) To those who think you should sing the praises of WLS from the highest mountain, did you ever think people get tired of hearing ALL about it? I don't care what others do but think about how others perceive you. I had a coworker get a RNY about 8 years ago. She went on and on and on and on about it for months! People were so sick of hearing about it. She didn't have a lot of family so maybe she needed people to listen. But trust me, it was TMI! And why do you think they put HIPPA laws into action? It's called privacy and it's a basic rite in healthcare. For those of us who work in healthcare, we are a snarky bunch. I choose to not cause a general distraction and keep them occupied with gossip. My closet inner circle knows. I have zero intention of answering questions about my weight or listening to acquaintances opinions on WLS. Give her a break for not telling people! It's her damn rite! I think many have misread the OP comments that this isn't a best friend anymore. You don't have to take out a sign on the interstate telling everyone nor is everyone entitled to a full disclosure about your life just because you were friends once. Lordy! This thread sure brought out some opinions!

There is a middle ground between gushing about WLS and keeping it a secret. I only mention my WLS if somebody asks. I have nothing to be ashamed of I worked hard before the surgery and I still work hard after the surgery the difference is my hard work actually generates results now. I just hate the idea of WLS being this thing only whispered about in secret and treated like something to be ashamed of. People don't keep tonsillectomies a secret or kidney stones. I believe WLS should be no different.

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My good friends who have always seen me for me and not focused on my weight gains ( pre-surgery) or weight loss. I did tell them about my surgery.....

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Stop looking for any sort of validation from your "friend". She may never be able to give you the kind of response you are looking for. Let go of judgement and accept the relationship and person as she is. Just keep losing weight, looking/feeling fabulous and loving life and yourself. What a great victory to weigh perhaps 100lbs less by the time of her wedding!

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Man, you dudes are clueless - and I say that in the nicest way possible! :)

To those who think you should sing the praises of WLS from the highest mountain, did you ever think people get tired of hearing ALL about it? I don't care what others do but think about how others perceive you. I had a coworker get a RNY about 8 years ago. She went on and on and on and on about it for months! People were so sick of hearing about it. She didn't have a lot of family so maybe she needed people to listen. But trust me, it was TMI! And why do you think they put HIPPA laws into action? It's called privacy and it's a basic rite in healthcare. For those of us who work in healthcare, we are a snarky bunch. I choose to not cause a general distraction and keep them occupied with gossip. My closet inner circle knows. I have zero intention of answering questions about my weight or listening to acquaintances opinions on WLS. Give her a break for not telling people! It's her damn rite! I think many have misread the OP comments that this isn't a best friend anymore. You don't have to take out a sign on the interstate telling everyone nor is everyone entitled to a full disclosure about your life just because you were friends once. Lordy! This thread sure brought out some opinions!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! I think we all have those friends on Facebook or in life that constantly post all of their drama with their marriages, ex boyfriends, baby daddy issues, etc… and then we all have those friends who scream for attention by broadcasting every time they go to the gym. I even know a few people who have gone through WLS and have chosen to talk about it CONSTANTLY on Facebook. I'm sorry, but that becomes their new identity to everyone looking in, and I hate to admit it, but I kind of find it pathetic that it's all they can talk about after the surgery. We did this to change our lives for the better and not dwell on some surgery all day every day. I chose not to tell people because I am 28, have my entire life ahead of me, a great career in the medical field, and I don't want that to be the gossip of "well she had surgery so that's why she lost weight" conversation. No thanks! I chose my select few people that I trust more than anything in the world, and that was enough for me! Now, instead of people talking about WLS, people are talking about how happy and energetic I am! That's what I wanted the end result of this to be. I was so sick of my weight being constantly talked about in a negative way, and for some of us, we wanted that topic to turn into a positive for people. Ha, and you are correct, this brought out lots of opinions!

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Just my take, but is it possible she never saw you as fat? You were not very big to start with, and you look awesome now. Sometimes those closest to us see us differently. Personally, I would not bring it up.

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Remind me why you're going to be this birds bridesmaid again?

For the life of me, I can't fathom it.

@Frederic. I think I love you. :blink:

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