Okay, I've been forced to do a lot of soul-searching recently.

Despite sailing through any pre-operative psychological assessment (in fact I was so convincing and probably 'cause I was self pay I wasn't actually referred for the full tests), there is a nagging truth which keeps tapping me on the shoulder and making me uncomfortably aware of the reasons as to why I found myself in this position. The position whereby I felt bariatric surgery was my only viable option to lose weight and take control of my diet. Or more accurately and for me; my portion size.

Although I can intellectualise my way out of a paper bag (as was stated by the psychologist when I finally met them), I had, and have, to be honest as to the reasons I ended up this big.

The answer, as painful as it is, was; my mother.

My mother is a tough cookie. Born in a depressive era in Ireland, with enumerate siblings. She was poor and although educated, she was curtailed in her life choices and was always shown that 'if you love someone, you feed them'. I assume this was their truth, as to feed a very big family was difficult at this time, and was the only example her poor long-suffering and abused mother could muster under extreme circumstances. It was also the only expected long-term outlook for women of childbearing age.

The impact of this, was clearly passed down the genetic line. That in this, the nature/nurture argument for our food weaknesses becomes more pressing. This was exemplified not only in the way my mother behaved generally, but how she administered herself in her marriage and how she behaved with her children.

The extent of this dysfunction only became apparent in how skewed my food choices (and more appropriately: portion sizes) were - and how I was born into those food choices - when recently cooking for my mother. She skipped anything resembling a vegetable, ate her body-weight in meat, potatoes and fresh bread (despite my making from scratch; Hummus, Baba Ganoush, Fatttoush and Lamb kebab). She was a wonderful cook herself and we never went without anything (all food groups represented) and it was never out of a packet. However, I got a rude awakening as to how a mothers preferences in showing affection and her deeper psychological state, totally influenced us kids.

When pressing me on my weight loss, she conceded that she'd always focussed too much on the carbs ('tis an Irish thing) when we were children and how she'd misrepresented the importance of bread and potatoes in our diet. This was also, and sadly, tempered with how her inability to show affection, manifested itself in the reward system she'd assigned for herself. In that by feeding her offspring, she'd aligned this with the ultimate expression of love....

As much as I love my mother and as much of a wonderful cook she was; I realised that the burden of responsibility for the reason I was so overweight as a child, which then carried on into adulthood, was as much her responsibility as it was mine. I, too, now feed those I love. Not because I have an incapability to show love, but that these deeply engrained examples have become the example I work from. Despite these factors changing - because of the surgery - I can see where these behaviours are hard cycles to break and have left me with a mental quandary over identity and 'healthy' expressions of love and affection.

I have no idea as to the extent to how people evaluate the impact of bariatric surgery on their lives. Tactical and strategic analysis is difficult to do when everyone is so enraptured by the immediate gratification gained from losing pounds and having all those non-scale-victories (lest we talk about the 'my cats blacker' self affirming attitudes which occasional pervades this website).... But has it forced you to re-evaluate the causes for your issue?

Have you searched your soul and now have a better handle on how you ended up in this position? 'Cause lets face it - most of us can sit in a psychologist's chair for hours at a time, spinning the wheel - but unless you're willing to strip back your insecurities to the bare-bones truth, doesn't it all feel a bit, well, empty?

Have we learnt anything other than to count the carbs, count the Protein, measure the Water consumption and count the calories in order to be fitter, tighter, healthier, smaller, more socially acceptable?

I truly believe our surgical endeavors absolutely force us to re-evaluate our lives, our succor/comfort systems and our behaviour. Consequently and because of how hard it is (emotionally), do we not sneer with derision at those who proffer 'surgery is the easy option'. Out of the curtailment of our ability to chow down and eat our way to 'happiness'; is there not something more emotional and scarily deep, that we've had to confront every time we look in the mirror?

i know I'm not an island unto myself. We were weak. We are, still, weak.

Outside of the victories in maintaining a life of low fat, cottage cheese virtuous goodness. There is a deeper significance to combating the external expression of our hurt.

What are yours?

With utmost respect and affection,

Revs x

I only share this in my desire to show that we don't all end up here due to the same reasons.

I didn't have a bad upbringing. My dad is naturally thin. Although my mother fought her weight, she was never as fat as I got. I doubt she even weighed 180 lbs as I do now.. We were fed properly, cared for, and not encouraged to overeat, or have junk. All meals were home-cooked.

Did my family have quirks? Oh boy did they! Is that what made me fat?

No. No it didn't. I don't know why I ate all the wrong things. But whatever it was, was my doing, not theirs.


That is not what made me get fat starting when I was 33 years old. I was thin growing up, I had a great body starting at 14 which I kept for years.

My point is, totally different upbringing to some of the stories here, same end result.

This is what I mean when I say, we didn't all get fat the same way.

Btb, my sister has been slim all her life despite having the same upbringing and eating badly. At one stage, she had to eat a family size bar of chocolate a day over and above her meals to keep her weight up!!!

Who knows why this happens. But I was a worrier, she wasn't and I think stress plays a big part in how our bodies deal with food. I am now thinner than her, but she's tickled by that. We are both survivors and we stick together, which our mother hates....

I am sorry Gamergirl but the abuse you suffered at the hands of those boys is enough to make any person very emotionally and mentally sick...

Of course in your case it was not your parents..But that played a part in your future. It had to! We have an inward conscience of what is right and wrong if we are not mass murderers and or people who are wired to cause pain and suffering to others....But it did play a part in your mind...Way back and deep it was hidden...It is amazing what the body will do to give it some ease or protect itself....

I will never say that building walls or eating until you are extremely obese is the answer. But it seems to me that there are a lot of people who suffered some tragedy in their life to assist in weight gain....

We are one screwed up world for sure and it is always children who suffer the worst and pay for it later......

Every one is different, everyone handles things by going different ways... Out of the eventual 12 siblings only 2 of us were fat.....only 2 of us used food as an outlet for our pain and protection...Luck of the draw maybe but I am sure that he suffers in another way that you would be upset ....

Yes he has his own demons. As I turned to food he turned to drugs. And we both detached ourselves from family completely....including each other.

I don't know RJ. I am reading all of these stories, and I don't know if we really can say with certainty that people who turn out obese or morbidly obese had experiences that made them that way.

Depending on who I talk to, I either had a really wonderful childhood or a crazy one. My perspective is that it was not without its problems, but overall it was fairly normal. I have fond memories. I was not abused, but I have an alcoholic father who went to rehab when I was 9 and has stayed sober. It would be incredibly easy and not truthful to blame my adult problems on that experience. I have a superability to endure difficult situations as an adult that I can probably trace back to that time, but it is not of the same caliber in any way, shape or form, as what many of you (and my husband) endured as children.

It's like I had a broken leg when I was a kid and was on crutches for a year, and I am comparing myself to someone who survived polio. Not to say that the experience wasn't bad or life changing, but it didn't affect my entire childhood.

Like GG, my weight was more or less under control until my 30s. But after having children, after undergoing some tough times, and being sick, my metabolism slowed considerably as did my activity. Somewhere in the middle of this my eating habits also declined. I don't believe that this was some reaction to things that happened to me 30 years ago; more a snowball rolling down a hill and gathering more and more snow.

Every one is different, everyone handles things by going different ways... Out of the eventual 12 siblings only 2 of us were fat.....only 2 of us used food as an outlet for our pain and protection...Luck of the draw maybe but I am sure that he suffers in another way that you would be upset ....

Yes he has his own demons. As I turned to food he turned to drugs. And we both detached ourselves from family completely....including each other.

Butter..I don't know about you but maybe it is because I am getting older that I realized that this was my mothers intention all along to divide and conquer....I have now in the last few years tried to gather my siblings together and unite as one. Some have really been responsive others are too damaged to see the benefits of family..

Maybe if you have not already tried, maybe you could make the first step and help your brother with all of his issues...You are definitely on your way to success...Maybe you might not be ready for it...maybe you are...But I found uniting in the same cause can strengthen an army so to speak.....And gain your brother back, and lay the pain to rest for both of you....Just a thought :wub:

It is interesting as to what this thread has gone to show...

That no matter whether it was your parents, your childhood, your peers, your siblings, your location, your marriage/relationship, an event(s), because your pet died or you just detested the way your nose looks...

We are all the same. SOMETHING triggered our desire to eat... and none of us are impervious to that fact.

I started the thread because I wondered whether people on here had actually given it that much thought outside of the calorie counting and Protein measurements. Because I was realising there was this 'other side' appearing in me and it definitely needed dealing with.

Clearly some of you have, too - and I am warmed and encouraged by that. Its a very good thing. Evolving inside as well as outside is a very good thing.

I was not expecting people to be so explicit in their posts, but I truly appreciate your candor and your inclusivity. Although undoubtedly very painful, it sets an example and encourages deeper debate and healthy analysis as to our evolution as whole people - not just focussing on the cursory effects and remedial behaviour modifications that wls engenders.

It is the ultimate 'ground truth'.

You are all fabulous x

I don't know RJ. I am reading all of these stories, and I don't know if we really can say with certainty that people who turn out obese or morbidly obese had experiences that made them that way.

Depending on who I talk to, I either had a really wonderful childhood or a crazy one. My perspective is that it was not without its problems, but overall it was fairly normal. I have fond memories. I was not abused, but I have an alcoholic father who went to rehab when I was 9 and has stayed sober. It would be incredibly easy and not truthful to blame my adult problems on that experience. I have a superability to endure difficult situations as an adult that I can probably trace back to that time, but it is not of the same caliber in any way, shape or form, as what many of you (and my husband) endured as children.

It's like I had a broken leg when I was a kid and was on crutches for a year, and I am comparing myself to someone who survived polio. Not to say that the experience wasn't bad or life changing, but it didn't affect my entire childhood.

Like GG, my weight was more or less under control until my 30s. But after having children, after undergoing some tough times, and being sick, my metabolism slowed considerably as did my activity. Somewhere in the middle of this my eating habits also declined. I don't believe that this was some reaction to things that happened to me 30 years ago; more a snowball rolling down a hill and gathering more and more snow.

Oh there are so many factors in why we gain weight..As you know! It can be total environment issues or a health problems like your thyroid goes or diabetes...medication....Or just that you love food do much that it is an uncontrollable desire to eat and eat.

But when it is obvious that something played a part, even a small part in who you are today and the fight you are waging then is it not a good idea to look at every aspect and if it does not fit then toss it out and start looking again...

If you have a wound you don't leave it alone and let it take care of itself...you nurture it until it heals and try to avoid that which got you the wound..Learn from it and encourage others not to make the same mistake...

That is all I am saying...Maybe some here and other places think one thing but in reality something much more cynical is behind their issues. Something that appears to them to be little or no value at the time...

One of my earliest memories is when I was 3 and I watched my father toss my sister into a horse trough. She landed on some broken glass and got cut up really bad...I remember it like it was yesterday..A great fear came over me concerning him and it never left....I know this is not your story and glad that you have not had the problems that some of us have or had..I am over joyed that you had a lot of great moments and memories...

I just think it is good to really explore the things that happen to us so that we will learn to deal with the things that happen to us and put them in their proper places..like the past..so it can stay in the past as we rise above today.....

I believe in leaving no stone unturned in this journey and hope that others will reason as to why they are who they are today and their strengths that can bring them to a conclusion and put things to rest....

It is interesting as to what this thread has gone to show...

That no matter whether it was your parents, your childhood, your peers, your siblings, your location, your marriage/relationship, an event(s), because your pet died or you just detested the way your nose looks...

We are all the same. SOMETHING triggered our desire to eat... and none of us are impervious to that fact.

I started the thread because I wondered whether people on here had actually given it that much thought outside of the calorie counting and Protein measurements. Because I was realising there was this 'other side' appearing in me and it definitely needed dealing with.

Clearly some of you have, too - and I am warmed and encouraged by that. Its a very good thing. Evolving inside as well as outside is a very good thing.

I was not expecting people to be so explicit in their posts, but I truly appreciate your candor and your inclusivity. Although undoubtedly very painful, it sets an example and encourages deeper debate and healthy analysis as to our evolution as whole people - not just focussing on the cursory effects and remedial behaviour modifications that wls engenders.

It is the ultimate 'ground truth'.

You are all fabulous x

i believe I went to far and this being my pet part of healing I have stoked a fire in others and myself...I did not sleep last night because of what I wrote on here..I have always been a private person and kept it all to myself...For some reason a tilde wave has erupted for me...

I have had so much therapy and it was useless except on area....I learned it was not my fault.. When I went to them it was over another issue and turned out as I spoke to them that it was a completely different issue that plagued me.....I am just encouraging to explore all the areas ...You may be surprised like me that it was not the thing I thought it was that made me who I am today...

Sorry for taking up so much of this thread...I had no intention of being so dam honest...

But that's important too. I know there are areas of my husband's past that when he told me about them years and years ago, they made me go "Hmmm" but he was not able or ready to see them for what they were. He is working through them now. He went through a period of time about 4 or 5 years ago (yes, at the same time that we were having trouble; it's all related but in insidious ways) and he spent time writing very angry letters to his father and then becoming upset when his father would essentially respond, "I'm very sorry…but this all happened 40 years ago and I can't change it now. You need to let it go." Obviously if it was easy to let go of old wounds we'd all just do it. But some of us need to simmer in them. Some of us don't even know or can't face that they're there. And some of us rise above our circumstances and eventually do fine.

I think this group, is a group of risers. In each way, each person is making some progress. I'm really proud of all of you and touched and honored by your honesty.

i believe I went to far and this being my pet part of healing I have stoked a fire in others and myself...I did not sleep last night because of what I wrote on here..I have always been a private person and kept it all to myself...For some reason a tilde wave has erupted for me... I have had so much therapy and it was useless except on area....I learned it was not my fault.. When I went to them it was over another issue and turned out as I spoke to them that it was a completely different issue that plagued me.....I am just encouraging to explore all the areas ...You may be surprised like me that it was not the thing I thought it was that made me who I am today... Sorry for taking up so much of this thread...I had no intention of being so dam honest...

I'm so glad you were RJ. It's all good. ((Hugs))

i believe I went to far and this being my pet part of healing I have stoked a fire in others and myself...I did not sleep last night because of what I wrote on here..I have always been a private person and kept it all to myself...For some reason a tilde wave has erupted for me...

I have had so much therapy and it was useless except on area....I learned it was not my fault.. When I went to them it was over another issue and turned out as I spoke to them that it was a completely different issue that plagued me.....I am just encouraging to explore all the areas ...You may be surprised like me that it was not the thing I thought it was that made me who I am today...

Sorry for taking up so much of this thread...I had no intention of being so dam honest...

NOT AT ALL!

Without your invaluable, articulate and compassionate contributions to the debate - there is no debate. We'd all be drowning in a sea of banal statements, observations and platitudes about Protein counts and Water consumption (although before anyone jumps on me, I know these have their place, too)

I'm sorry this thread provoked an emotional response in you last night. It was not my intention - but it shows a deeper level of self-analysis that I have reached and for that, I am in total admiration and very grateful.

You are a whole person; with the victories, failures, vulnerabilities, strengths and honesty to know who you are and share it, too. That takes courage.

Don't for one second feel 'bad' about your contributions. I welcome them with open arms, because they're real, without agenda and will undoubtedly help those who may be viewing, but do not have the courage to (at this juncture), contribute.

THAT is a very good thing x

At the risk of beating a dead horse named "we are all different" let's not discount the very mundane but real stomach size differences.

My husband grew up happy, had a very close relationship with his family all their lives. No issues, traumas, abuse etc to speak of.

HUGE appetite. Huge.

When the surgery was over, 2 separate surgeons came to talk to us and unprompted they both said my stomach was "very, very big" and that my husbands stomach was "really, really huge."

Of course I asked if we had stretched our stomachs from over-eating. They both said they didn't think these were stretched stomachs, just much bigger than normal. Kinda like our shoe sizes.

Our doc has done at least 5000 surgeries and yet this was different enough to call out.

I don't know why my "very very big" stomach allowed me to stay thin for 30 years, but Roger has been overweight almost all his life except for brief periods where he won the battle.

I want to believe that sometimes a spade is just a spade. That it can be that simple. Am I deluding myself?

Revs, you are not so bad yourself x

I hate to say it, GG, but 'potentially'?

I know people can be anatomically different, but as you know, the likelihood of a stomach being 'born' huge, is quite remote.

A stomach won't get to gargantuan proportions unless it is 'encouraged' to... and if it were to happen along the genetic line through continuous repetition, there would surely be a long family history of obesity...

To have two people 'naturally' 'gifted' with big stomachs in the one house? I'm thinking the odds on that are preeeetty long...

Back to the nature (over centuries/medical anomalies) /nurture argument...