Okay, I've been forced to do a lot of soul-searching recently.

Despite sailing through any pre-operative psychological assessment (in fact I was so convincing and probably 'cause I was self pay I wasn't actually referred for the full tests), there is a nagging truth which keeps tapping me on the shoulder and making me uncomfortably aware of the reasons as to why I found myself in this position. The position whereby I felt bariatric surgery was my only viable option to lose weight and take control of my diet. Or more accurately and for me; my portion size.

Although I can intellectualise my way out of a paper bag (as was stated by the psychologist when I finally met them), I had, and have, to be honest as to the reasons I ended up this big.

The answer, as painful as it is, was; my mother.

My mother is a tough cookie. Born in a depressive era in Ireland, with enumerate siblings. She was poor and although educated, she was curtailed in her life choices and was always shown that 'if you love someone, you feed them'. I assume this was their truth, as to feed a very big family was difficult at this time, and was the only example her poor long-suffering and abused mother could muster under extreme circumstances. It was also the only expected long-term outlook for women of childbearing age.

The impact of this, was clearly passed down the genetic line. That in this, the nature/nurture argument for our food weaknesses becomes more pressing. This was exemplified not only in the way my mother behaved generally, but how she administered herself in her marriage and how she behaved with her children.

The extent of this dysfunction only became apparent in how skewed my food choices (and more appropriately: portion sizes) were - and how I was born into those food choices - when recently cooking for my mother. She skipped anything resembling a vegetable, ate her body-weight in meat, potatoes and fresh bread (despite my making from scratch; Hummus, Baba Ganoush, Fatttoush and Lamb kebab). She was a wonderful cook herself and we never went without anything (all food groups represented) and it was never out of a packet. However, I got a rude awakening as to how a mothers preferences in showing affection and her deeper psychological state, totally influenced us kids.

When pressing me on my weight loss, she conceded that she'd always focussed too much on the carbs ('tis an Irish thing) when we were children and how she'd misrepresented the importance of bread and potatoes in our diet. This was also, and sadly, tempered with how her inability to show affection, manifested itself in the reward system she'd assigned for herself. In that by feeding her offspring, she'd aligned this with the ultimate expression of love....

As much as I love my mother and as much of a wonderful cook she was; I realised that the burden of responsibility for the reason I was so overweight as a child, which then carried on into adulthood, was as much her responsibility as it was mine. I, too, now feed those I love. Not because I have an incapability to show love, but that these deeply engrained examples have become the example I work from. Despite these factors changing - because of the surgery - I can see where these behaviours are hard cycles to break and have left me with a mental quandary over identity and 'healthy' expressions of love and affection.

I have no idea as to the extent to how people evaluate the impact of bariatric surgery on their lives. Tactical and strategic analysis is difficult to do when everyone is so enraptured by the immediate gratification gained from losing pounds and having all those non-scale-victories (lest we talk about the 'my cats blacker' self affirming attitudes which occasional pervades this website).... But has it forced you to re-evaluate the causes for your issue?

Have you searched your soul and now have a better handle on how you ended up in this position? 'Cause lets face it - most of us can sit in a psychologist's chair for hours at a time, spinning the wheel - but unless you're willing to strip back your insecurities to the bare-bones truth, doesn't it all feel a bit, well, empty?

Have we learnt anything other than to count the carbs, count the Protein, measure the Water consumption and count the calories in order to be fitter, tighter, healthier, smaller, more socially acceptable?

I truly believe our surgical endeavors absolutely force us to re-evaluate our lives, our succor/comfort systems and our behaviour. Consequently and because of how hard it is (emotionally), do we not sneer with derision at those who proffer 'surgery is the easy option'. Out of the curtailment of our ability to chow down and eat our way to 'happiness'; is there not something more emotional and scarily deep, that we've had to confront every time we look in the mirror?

i know I'm not an island unto myself. We were weak. We are, still, weak.

Outside of the victories in maintaining a life of low fat, cottage cheese virtuous goodness. There is a deeper significance to combating the external expression of our hurt.

What are yours?

With utmost respect and affection,

Revs x

I kinda want to add to this thread. My childhood was bad growing up there was abuse of all types by my step mother and a random family friend my dad let live with us. (Yes if you're wondering sexual abuse) and when I lived with my step mother I was locked in my room for months at a time and the only time I was allowed out of my room was to go to the bathroom and to eat. So I learned that if I eat a whole bunch and then made my self sick I could stay out of my room. Vicious cycle. Also they caught on to this and started timing my meals and after a certain time would take the food away. So when everyone was asleep at night I would binge eat candy chips soda hot pockets TV dinners and since I was locked in my room all year no exercise. I think the binging at night was a control thing because I had no control over anything else nothing not even the cloths I wore. When my dad and the step mother broke up the sexual abuse started and so I figured if I got really fat no one would touch me like that ever again. It has taken some time and soul searching but I've stopped blaming my self for the abuse but I really need to change my habbits

We are made to feel guilty about putting the blame on other people, but sometimes the fault does lay in others. Wether intentional or not, your mother impacted your relationship with food to the negative.

I LOVE my mother. She is my best friend. But as a child she put me on diets and she has criticized my weight one way or another my entire life. She is very concerned with her own weight and looks and that kind of attitude can be very influential to children. We need our parents to give us support and unconditional love and sometimes in trying to help us they actually hurt us.

I think the proper thing to do is to explore the issue, accept that what happened happened, forgive, and move forward. You can't do anything about the past but you can choose to overcome these scars and build a healthy relationship with yourself from here on out. Overweight people tend to be very hard and self critical, feel guilty about their weaknesses and need perfection. It's time to forgive her, forgive yourself, and move into a new chapter.

Glad you found my post thought provoking. It's a tough journey this one and never fails to challenge me on a daily basis.

The food devil is still there, despite the surgery. I know now, that the surgery, although it helped, didn't cure the core reason for my being big...

And now I can eat more - never helpful!

Consequently I'm back for a bit of perspective to get the weight i've put back on - off!