Okay, I've been forced to do a lot of soul-searching recently.

Despite sailing through any pre-operative psychological assessment (in fact I was so convincing and probably 'cause I was self pay I wasn't actually referred for the full tests), there is a nagging truth which keeps tapping me on the shoulder and making me uncomfortably aware of the reasons as to why I found myself in this position. The position whereby I felt bariatric surgery was my only viable option to lose weight and take control of my diet. Or more accurately and for me; my portion size.

Although I can intellectualise my way out of a paper bag (as was stated by the psychologist when I finally met them), I had, and have, to be honest as to the reasons I ended up this big.

The answer, as painful as it is, was; my mother.

My mother is a tough cookie. Born in a depressive era in Ireland, with enumerate siblings. She was poor and although educated, she was curtailed in her life choices and was always shown that 'if you love someone, you feed them'. I assume this was their truth, as to feed a very big family was difficult at this time, and was the only example her poor long-suffering and abused mother could muster under extreme circumstances. It was also the only expected long-term outlook for women of childbearing age.

The impact of this, was clearly passed down the genetic line. That in this, the nature/nurture argument for our food weaknesses becomes more pressing. This was exemplified not only in the way my mother behaved generally, but how she administered herself in her marriage and how she behaved with her children.

The extent of this dysfunction only became apparent in how skewed my food choices (and more appropriately: portion sizes) were - and how I was born into those food choices - when recently cooking for my mother. She skipped anything resembling a vegetable, ate her body-weight in meat, potatoes and fresh bread (despite my making from scratch; Hummus, Baba Ganoush, Fatttoush and Lamb kebab). She was a wonderful cook herself and we never went without anything (all food groups represented) and it was never out of a packet. However, I got a rude awakening as to how a mothers preferences in showing affection and her deeper psychological state, totally influenced us kids.

When pressing me on my weight loss, she conceded that she'd always focussed too much on the carbs ('tis an Irish thing) when we were children and how she'd misrepresented the importance of bread and potatoes in our diet. This was also, and sadly, tempered with how her inability to show affection, manifested itself in the reward system she'd assigned for herself. In that by feeding her offspring, she'd aligned this with the ultimate expression of love....

As much as I love my mother and as much of a wonderful cook she was; I realised that the burden of responsibility for the reason I was so overweight as a child, which then carried on into adulthood, was as much her responsibility as it was mine. I, too, now feed those I love. Not because I have an incapability to show love, but that these deeply engrained examples have become the example I work from. Despite these factors changing - because of the surgery - I can see where these behaviours are hard cycles to break and have left me with a mental quandary over identity and 'healthy' expressions of love and affection.

I have no idea as to the extent to how people evaluate the impact of bariatric surgery on their lives. Tactical and strategic analysis is difficult to do when everyone is so enraptured by the immediate gratification gained from losing pounds and having all those non-scale-victories (lest we talk about the 'my cats blacker' self affirming attitudes which occasional pervades this website).... But has it forced you to re-evaluate the causes for your issue?

Have you searched your soul and now have a better handle on how you ended up in this position? 'Cause lets face it - most of us can sit in a psychologist's chair for hours at a time, spinning the wheel - but unless you're willing to strip back your insecurities to the bare-bones truth, doesn't it all feel a bit, well, empty?

Have we learnt anything other than to count the carbs, count the Protein, measure the Water consumption and count the calories in order to be fitter, tighter, healthier, smaller, more socially acceptable?

I truly believe our surgical endeavors absolutely force us to re-evaluate our lives, our succor/comfort systems and our behaviour. Consequently and because of how hard it is (emotionally), do we not sneer with derision at those who proffer 'surgery is the easy option'. Out of the curtailment of our ability to chow down and eat our way to 'happiness'; is there not something more emotional and scarily deep, that we've had to confront every time we look in the mirror?

i know I'm not an island unto myself. We were weak. We are, still, weak.

Outside of the victories in maintaining a life of low fat, cottage cheese virtuous goodness. There is a deeper significance to combating the external expression of our hurt.

What are yours?

With utmost respect and affection,

Revs x

I thought this one quite good...

“We don't set out to save the world; we set out to wonder how other people are doing and to reflect on how our actions affect other people's hearts.”

Who'da thunk it

That one is really good...I am a true believer that we are not quite sure how exactly things are meant when they are said so it is always gracious to give those who express themselves honestly or openly what ever they feel; respect and consideration.....

Edited December 7, 201312 yr by RJ'S/beginning

>I thought this one quite good...

“We don't set out to save the world; we set out to wonder how other people are doing and to reflect on how our actions affect other people's hearts.”

Who'da thunk it

That one is really good...I am a true believe that we are not quite sure how exactly things are meant when they are said so it is always gracious to give those who express themselves honestly or openly what ever they feel; respect and consideration.....

In pure Brit-Speak, I will concur with 'ab-so-bloody-lutely', RJ

And the final BOOOOOOOM!!

“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.”

Shitted! This was the one I was gonna like

And the final BOOOOOOOM!!

“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.”

Shitted! This was the one I was gonna like

You know it, lady!

To much??

Edited December 7, 201312 yr by laura-ven

Ok perhaps this one

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.

This felt like a public mocking.

This felt like a public mocking.

Me?? It wasn't meant to be...

Bear-man...they were actually quite taken with your response! They didn't mean any harm, and were not making fun of anyone but themselves. You opened the thread up even more, in a positive way, and they were jumping on the possibilities you presented with your awesome quotes and suggestions. Each of their quotes reflected some of the things we have learned from one another since Madame began the awesomeness that is this thread, and we are all pleased that you would choose to join us on this journey.

This felt like a public mocking.

Oh, not at all. You just have to get used to the quirkiness of this group. Your quote just got everyone enthused. When this group gets enthused, you never know what is going to pop out.

Staples??!

Staples??!

The classics really never get old do they.

Now that I read "staples" I better understand the context.

Please now resume the regularly scheduled repartee.

It kind of reminds me of my friends from high school (of 30 years) when we get together for Green Bay Packer games and an outsider tries to keep up with the witticisms and ripostes. Which this just shared my thought on if you can have "friends" be "real" on the internet. This thread could be held up as a shining example of it. I think I will alert the social media.

Staples? I was going to pop out a boob.

Ok I read the first few pages of this thread and my ADD kicked in but here it goes: I had a normal childhood well my brother and I always knew our parents loved us but the only reason they were together was for us at times I wished they would have separated but they were doing what they thought was best and doing their best.

At a early age I found my first addiction TV I could get lost in whatever show was on escape from the world. As I grew into my teen years my self esteem became lower and I found the next (of many) addictions.... Then at 18 I was the youngest person ever licensed as a Paramedic in the state of Alabama. A high stress job and a budding addiction problem were like fire and gas. (Not blaming the job)........ The chemical I used became stronger and stronger..... I have a period of my life I don't remember I refer to it as the 90s... In 2003 I reached a point that I either had to die or get clean. I chose the latter....

My new found recovery blossomed as did my ass. The old feelings of worthlessness and useless would return from time to time. The eating spiraled..... Then the yoyo dieting...... The abuse of self when I would regain...... Now mind you I had several years clean and the thoughts would go through my head " you can stay clean but you can't stop killing yourself with food." My self esteem took a nose dive I just became settled with the fact I would die early from complications of morbid obesity. Then a year ago a friend had her sleeve done! The weight fell off I was amazed....... I went to a seminar about WLS and had a emotional spiral...... I wanted to do it to lose weight and become healthy again but the thought of giving up food ( what I wanted to eat, when I wanted to eat, in the amounts I wanted) terrified me to the point of paralysis. I would lay in bed as obsess about WLS but did nothing..... Then my father became ill ending up in a coma for 7 days...... As I stood over the bed in ICU thinking I was loosing him, mad because he did not take care of himself it hit me, right in the gut I was going to die a slow terrible death. Food was as surely killing me just as the dope had been. I made the decision that day to start this journey!

The one advantage I possible have on others is a very small understanding of addiction and behaviors surrounding it. That DOES NOT make be bullet proof or better than it just gives me tools others do not have yet.

1) I believe that denial is not just a river in Egypt

2) Denial is a warm and fuzzy place and leaving it sucks but is the only path to personal growth!

3) addiction effects ALL areas of my life

4) God does not make junk!

5) I CAN NOT compare my insides to others outsides any longer!

6) There is no substance that can fix me be it drugs or food. (When I internalize this one I will be on my way)

7) This is a journey not a destination I will never arrive or be cured.

8) Life is good

9) I am a hot mess on most days and that's ok so is everybody else. Only the strongest admit their weakness. Refer to 5

10) I need to be involved with people who share the same struggles as I do. There are things I can learn from them that no one else can teach me

11) laughter cures much

Thanks for all your honesty! I feel close to many of you and stalk your posts regularly! It is on me to reach out and get to know you better!