Okay, I've been forced to do a lot of soul-searching recently.

Despite sailing through any pre-operative psychological assessment (in fact I was so convincing and probably 'cause I was self pay I wasn't actually referred for the full tests), there is a nagging truth which keeps tapping me on the shoulder and making me uncomfortably aware of the reasons as to why I found myself in this position. The position whereby I felt bariatric surgery was my only viable option to lose weight and take control of my diet. Or more accurately and for me; my portion size.

Although I can intellectualise my way out of a paper bag (as was stated by the psychologist when I finally met them), I had, and have, to be honest as to the reasons I ended up this big.

The answer, as painful as it is, was; my mother.

My mother is a tough cookie. Born in a depressive era in Ireland, with enumerate siblings. She was poor and although educated, she was curtailed in her life choices and was always shown that 'if you love someone, you feed them'. I assume this was their truth, as to feed a very big family was difficult at this time, and was the only example her poor long-suffering and abused mother could muster under extreme circumstances. It was also the only expected long-term outlook for women of childbearing age.

The impact of this, was clearly passed down the genetic line. That in this, the nature/nurture argument for our food weaknesses becomes more pressing. This was exemplified not only in the way my mother behaved generally, but how she administered herself in her marriage and how she behaved with her children.

The extent of this dysfunction only became apparent in how skewed my food choices (and more appropriately: portion sizes) were - and how I was born into those food choices - when recently cooking for my mother. She skipped anything resembling a vegetable, ate her body-weight in meat, potatoes and fresh bread (despite my making from scratch; Hummus, Baba Ganoush, Fatttoush and Lamb kebab). She was a wonderful cook herself and we never went without anything (all food groups represented) and it was never out of a packet. However, I got a rude awakening as to how a mothers preferences in showing affection and her deeper psychological state, totally influenced us kids.

When pressing me on my weight loss, she conceded that she'd always focussed too much on the carbs ('tis an Irish thing) when we were children and how she'd misrepresented the importance of bread and potatoes in our diet. This was also, and sadly, tempered with how her inability to show affection, manifested itself in the reward system she'd assigned for herself. In that by feeding her offspring, she'd aligned this with the ultimate expression of love....

As much as I love my mother and as much of a wonderful cook she was; I realised that the burden of responsibility for the reason I was so overweight as a child, which then carried on into adulthood, was as much her responsibility as it was mine. I, too, now feed those I love. Not because I have an incapability to show love, but that these deeply engrained examples have become the example I work from. Despite these factors changing - because of the surgery - I can see where these behaviours are hard cycles to break and have left me with a mental quandary over identity and 'healthy' expressions of love and affection.

I have no idea as to the extent to how people evaluate the impact of bariatric surgery on their lives. Tactical and strategic analysis is difficult to do when everyone is so enraptured by the immediate gratification gained from losing pounds and having all those non-scale-victories (lest we talk about the 'my cats blacker' self affirming attitudes which occasional pervades this website).... But has it forced you to re-evaluate the causes for your issue?

Have you searched your soul and now have a better handle on how you ended up in this position? 'Cause lets face it - most of us can sit in a psychologist's chair for hours at a time, spinning the wheel - but unless you're willing to strip back your insecurities to the bare-bones truth, doesn't it all feel a bit, well, empty?

Have we learnt anything other than to count the carbs, count the Protein, measure the Water consumption and count the calories in order to be fitter, tighter, healthier, smaller, more socially acceptable?

I truly believe our surgical endeavors absolutely force us to re-evaluate our lives, our succor/comfort systems and our behaviour. Consequently and because of how hard it is (emotionally), do we not sneer with derision at those who proffer 'surgery is the easy option'. Out of the curtailment of our ability to chow down and eat our way to 'happiness'; is there not something more emotional and scarily deep, that we've had to confront every time we look in the mirror?

i know I'm not an island unto myself. We were weak. We are, still, weak.

Outside of the victories in maintaining a life of low fat, cottage cheese virtuous goodness. There is a deeper significance to combating the external expression of our hurt.

What are yours?

With utmost respect and affection,

Revs x

Welcome aboard Chris1142...Keep us posted with your story ..K

I'm pre-op (hoping for Feb or March). Each day I'm on this site I realize I was NEVER really alone in what it was like to be me. I'm 45 and so tired of living this life. I'm scared to do this. I'm even more scared not too. And what I realize now, after visiting this site daily for the last couple weeks, is that I'm still going to struggle, still occasionally going to fail, and still wrestle with the demons that helped me to my CW of 325#. I don't have the words to say how helpful this thread has been. Im responsible for my outcomes. But I definitely got this way for a multitude of reasons. I don't want to live this way any longer but I think the pain of tackling the "why's" has been my biggest deterrent, until now. I'm so glad to be here amongst you. Someone mentioned Pandora's Box. That's exactly how I feel. And it's not gonna be pretty at first. But it's a box that needs to open if I'm ever going to be the me I want to be. And I'm immediately going to speak French: "I have anger", "I have hunger". Brilliant! Thank you all so much. Especially RJ. You are a living, breathing, beautiful miracle.

Welcome. My start weight was 308, weigh 148 now. After a lifetime of failure,I finally found the winning formula with the help of the sleeve. Just wanted to let you know it's possible even if you are heavier.

I'm an old newbie. I've been lurking here for a couple of months, but now that I've got a definate go for the surgery on Feb. 3 I thought I'd like to get my feet wet.

I'm 71 years old and have been fighting the battle for 55 years. I am not tired of the fight but I am sooooo tired of losing. I think this may be a solution for me. I've been thinking about why I eat and for me I think at my age it doesn't so much matter any more. I know I am a food addict, and that I am a binge eater and large portion eater. I have spent 5 years in pretty intensive therapy and lots of time contemplating the "why" of it and could never figure it out. I did however work out a lot of issues that left me pretty happy with my circumstances.

My story is pretty much your story. Different circumstances but same results. I lost large amounts of weight several times over the years, .....

Chris

Welcome Chris. I commend you for keeping trying. Dietician told me that I would succeed because I had a lifetime of "trying"and once I have a decent tool to help me I would succeed. I have very high hopes for you!

Some thoughts and then some questions ... with NO suggestion that I know what the "right" answer(s) is/are.

If we were in destructive / codependent relationships with a boyfriend or friend or coworker or boss or even a spouse, chances are that the advice dispensed here would be some version of: "Lose 'em! They're keeping you down. They're contributing significantly to your destruction and aiding your self-destruction."

But when the offender is a blood relative, particularly a parent, that kind of advice is rarely if ever dispensed. Yet in the case of blood relatives (who have imprinted their damage on us since childhood more deeply and destructively than others can) the wounds they can inflict over and over again are tolerated. In some cases, the wounds -- even fatal wounds -- are invited.

Why isn't it OK to divorce blood relatives?

Failing that, why isn't it OK to severely limit our contact with them or, more accurately, their contact with us?

At the very least, why isn't it OK to establish hard and fast rules about what they are not allowed to do that hurts us and make it clear that there will be consequences of violating those rules?

Edited December 6, 201312 yr by Ann2014

All I can say is I'm so sorry for all the sad and trying times y'all had/are experiencing. I'm on the other end of the issue and would give anything have my mom with me again.

Dang.. now I don't know what else to say. Maybe.. hang in there?

I feel the same way about being able to have more time with my Mom. She died before we got to have an adult type mother-daughter relationship. Then I wonder...since things were so tumultuous between us when I was a teenager, would I be wanting to kick her to the curb at this age? Quite possible...

What are you thinking? Might help both of us! Cause if I could figure this out, I'd be confident enough to tackle world peace next!

I keep coming back to this post..
I think there is really something here..
You really got me thinking!

Now that I am a little over a year out and have lost much of what I wanted to lose, I'm really struggling. I am hiding food again, and will try to bury my feelings with snacking, but the problem is - its no longer working for me. It doesn't numb my feelings or give me any pleasure anymore. The thing I don't understand about myself is - I know the snacking isn't going to work, but I keep trying to make it work. And I'm afraid that eventually I will somehow figure out a way to make it help me with my feelings again. I can't seem to figure out a alternative way of dealing with my feelings. So instead I'm trying to just sit with them, feel them, and see if that works. But that is such a sucky feeling! I've got to keep working the problem, and I'm not sure how.

Some thoughts and then some questions ... with NO suggestion that I know what the "right" answer(s) is/are.

If we were in destructive / codependent relationships with a boyfriend or friend or coworker or boss or even a spouse, chances are that the advice dispensed here would be some version of: "Lose 'em! They're keeping you down. They're contributing significantly to your destruction and aiding your self-destruction."

But when the offender is a blood relative, particularly a parent, that kind of advice is rarely if ever dispensed. Yet in the case of blood relatives (who have imprinted their damage on us since childhood more deeply and destructively than others can) the wounds they can inflict over and over again are tolerated. In some cases, the wounds -- even fatal wounds -- are invited.

Why isn't it OK to divorce blood relatives?

Failing that, why isn't it OK to severely limit our contact with them or, more accurately, their contact with us?

At the very least, why isn't it OK to establish hard and fast rules about what they are not allowed to do that hurts us and make it clear that there will be consequences of violating those rules?

I've had a great upbringing with a wonderful big family. I never understood how one could cut ties with family until I met my husband. If y'all have ever read Angela's Ashes, that is my husband's upbringing but in a modern day American suburb. He struggled as an adult with the guilt of cutting all ties. He was the only one out of his parents and four siblings that would attempt to keep the family together. After disappointment after another, I was the one who encouraged him to cut ties. Sometimes it's necessary and IT IS ok. Leaving them behind has brought peace into his life.

He took his life. I filled my hole with food. He filled his hole with drugs and alcohol. But just as we know now we could never stuff enough food to fill the hole he could never fill his hole.. He couldn't take it anymore.. He talked to her on the phone it wasn't good she wasn't nice.. The last thing she told him was "you are just like me! Don't think you are any different" (she feels great guilt now, she did really love him) he was found three days later..

Yes he was my only sibling. A year and a half older..

Sorry to dump. I'm an open book without much of a filter.

It's been a long day.. And I feel some what bad.

She is harmless now really..

An old lady just living out her years with her own demons.

I'm sorry about your brother, Laura. I know all to well what kind of pain that leaves for people who were left behind.

My brother also took his own life twelve years ago and I've been angry with him since. I never really got to grieve for him because somebody needed to be the "strong one", and my parents (understandably) fell apart.

I'm sure that as I continue to work on all my crap, I'm going to go through that grieving process. It kind of scares me, to be totally honest, I'm comfortable with anger, I know anger.

Vulnerability freaks me the fucked out and makes me want to run and hide.

Some thoughts and then some questions ... with NO suggestion that I know what the "right" answer(s) is/are. If we were in destructive / codependent relationships with a boyfriend or friend or coworker or boss or even a spouse, chances are that the advice dispensed here would be some version of: "Lose 'em! They're keeping you down. They're contributing significantly to your destruction and aiding your self-destruction." But when the offender is a blood relative, particularly a parent, that kind of advice is rarely if ever dispensed. Yet in the case of blood relatives (who have imprinted their damage on us since childhood more deeply and destructively than others can) the wounds they can inflict over and over again are tolerated. In some cases, the wounds -- even fatal wounds -- are invited. Why isn't it OK to divorce blood relatives? Failing that, why isn't it OK to severely limit our contact with them or, more accurately, their contact with us? At the very least, why isn't it OK to establish hard and fast rules about what they are not allowed to do that hurts us and make it clear that there will be consequences of violating those rules?

I have had to severely cut ties with family members over the years. At first the guilt was huge...but over time I've realized that we are all happier (even them in their misery).

I think it's guilt because we are "supposed" to take care of our family, blood and water, perceived obligations, etc.

Not all of these are bad, but when a relationship is toxic, self preservation has GOT to be paramount...and if it trickles over to my kids? Lord help them because I have NO mercy!!! (Hence my mom being cut off for 18, and 27 months at one point).

So cutting off, and setting boundaries? They are ok...society just doesn't get it yet. IMHO

Some thoughts and then some questions ... with NO suggestion that I know what the "right" answer(s) is/are.

If we were in destructive / codependent relationships with a boyfriend or friend or coworker or boss or even a spouse, chances are that the advice dispensed here would be some version of: "Lose 'em! They're keeping you down. They're contributing significantly to your destruction and aiding your self-destruction."

But when the offender is a blood relative, particularly a parent, that kind of advice is rarely if ever dispensed. Yet in the case of blood relatives (who have imprinted their damage on us since childhood more deeply and destructively than others can) the wounds they can inflict over and over again are tolerated. In some cases, the wounds -- even fatal wounds -- are invited.

Why isn't it OK to divorce blood relatives?

Failing that, why isn't it OK to severely limit our contact with them or, more accurately, their contact with us?

At the very least, why isn't it OK to establish hard and fast rules about what they are not allowed to do that hurts us and make it clear that there will be consequences of violating those rules?

I think all of your thoughts are rational and valid, but there is something about family ties (for me) that defy rational thought. I come from a very large, close knit family that I am very proud of and feel priviledged to be a part of.

That said, there are definitely times when I need to limit exposure for self preservation. And some family members (one sister in particular) that I would easily drop from my life if they weren't famliy. But I keep trying, because I so value the unit that is my family. I've decided that, even though it doesn't make sense, they, in aggregate, are really important to me, so I keep plugging at it.

Welcome aboard Chris1142...Keep us posted with your story ..K

Thanks RJ and Jane. I've been following you and some others for a couple of months and I thank you for teaching me how to make this surgery be an effective tool for me. Chris

Laura-Ven....any idea idea who slipped me happy pills? Lol! I was lying here talking to my hubby and realized...I'm happy. It's so weird, I didn't even know what to name it it's been so long. I know that it's got to be part of the emotional purge of this thread. So once again...thanks everybody!!!

Good news!!

It really is nice to get it out.

We have, all of us, had some rough starts, some rough days, some rough years..

But there is so much to be happy for too!

Your husband and the family you've created are the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've had some shitty things happen yes. And I still have to occasionally deal with the fallout with my mom.

But my life today? It's pretty darn great!

I have an awesome family of my making and I wouldn't change a thing

I have no problem cutting ties with family...

I did it for many years with my mother.

Some might think I was cold for that. But when there is no bond it's pretty easy.

But as someone mentioned it can get complicated. In my case with the death of my brother. I'm the only one left to help her out if needed. For the most part she is on her best behavior these days because she knows how easy I will walk.

Limiting works for me, but it's in her best interest too. Because believe it or not I don't want to hurt her and if I spend too much time with her I will, and do.

Some thoughts and then some questions ... with NO suggestion that I know what the "right" answer(s) is/are. If we were in destructive / codependent relationships with a boyfriend or friend or coworker or boss or even a spouse, chances are that the advice dispensed here would be some version of: "Lose 'em! They're keeping you down. They're contributing significantly to your destruction and aiding your self-destruction." But when the offender is a blood relative, particularly a parent, that kind of advice is rarely if ever dispensed. Yet in the case of blood relatives (who have imprinted their damage on us since childhood more deeply and destructively than others can) the wounds they can inflict over and over again are tolerated. In some cases, the wounds -- even fatal wounds -- are invited. Why isn't it OK to divorce blood relatives? Failing that, why isn't it OK to severely limit our contact with them or, more accurately, their contact with us? At the very least, why isn't it OK to establish hard and fast rules about what they are not allowed to do that hurts us and make it clear that there will be consequences of violating those rules?

Edited December 6, 201312 yr by laura-ven

What are you thinking? Might help both of us! Cause if I could figure this out, I'd be confident enough to tackle world peace next!

Lol! achieving world peace might be easier..

Just the simple thing you said about it not providing pleasure or numbing anymore..

I feel that and wasn't smart enough to recognize it fully until you said it..

I've been thinking a lot more as to the "why" that is. And it's definitely an other part of this tool that us hard core secret eaters, bingers might not have recognized very easily?

So with having my stomach hacked out i think of our "tiny new tummies" and I tend to forget that hormone production and messages received by the brain are altered..

We are not getting that dopamine stoked like we did before?

I don't have it all together yet because let's face it I'm not that smart of a woman

But I've been doing some reading, and still trying to figure out why this is a very good thing.

Because it is a good thing! We just need time for that 2 by 4 to hit us upside the head a couple of times..

Lol not sure any of that made sense... But you asked

I have no contact with my mother. Took years to cut the tie but I arrived at a point when it was going to be her survival or mine - and I chose me. Limiting contact meant she behaved well for a little while but then the old "familiarity breeds contempt" kicked back in.

Whose mum, when told you have severe, degenerative arthritis - that needs you to inject for life and take toxic combos just to walk - rolls her eyes saying "well, we all have something as we get older..." ? The same woman who declined to come to support me at my daughter's funeral saying it was too much for her...

No wants gets love or respect based on a title, even that of mother. As with everyone else, you have to earn it.

I'm sorry about your brother, Laura. I know all to well what kind of pain that leaves for people who were left behind. My brother also took his own life twelve years ago and I've been angry with him since. I never really got to grieve for him because somebody needed to be the "strong one", and my parents (understandably) fell apart. I'm sure that as I continue to work on all my crap, I'm going to go through that grieving process. It kind of scares me, to be totally honest, I'm comfortable with anger, I know anger. Vulnerability freaks me the fucked out and makes me want to run and hide.

Yes the strong one... That is the other part of it.

We may be fat in everyone's eyes but we are the strongest most times..

I had to do everything in the days after my brothers death. My mom put her self into the hospital because she was dying again.

I get mad at my brother sometimes too.

But because I wish that he could of found his strength and stuck it out. Plus he is missing out on a great niece and nephew..