Okay, I've been forced to do a lot of soul-searching recently.

Despite sailing through any pre-operative psychological assessment (in fact I was so convincing and probably 'cause I was self pay I wasn't actually referred for the full tests), there is a nagging truth which keeps tapping me on the shoulder and making me uncomfortably aware of the reasons as to why I found myself in this position. The position whereby I felt bariatric surgery was my only viable option to lose weight and take control of my diet. Or more accurately and for me; my portion size.

Although I can intellectualise my way out of a paper bag (as was stated by the psychologist when I finally met them), I had, and have, to be honest as to the reasons I ended up this big.

The answer, as painful as it is, was; my mother.

My mother is a tough cookie. Born in a depressive era in Ireland, with enumerate siblings. She was poor and although educated, she was curtailed in her life choices and was always shown that 'if you love someone, you feed them'. I assume this was their truth, as to feed a very big family was difficult at this time, and was the only example her poor long-suffering and abused mother could muster under extreme circumstances. It was also the only expected long-term outlook for women of childbearing age.

The impact of this, was clearly passed down the genetic line. That in this, the nature/nurture argument for our food weaknesses becomes more pressing. This was exemplified not only in the way my mother behaved generally, but how she administered herself in her marriage and how she behaved with her children.

The extent of this dysfunction only became apparent in how skewed my food choices (and more appropriately: portion sizes) were - and how I was born into those food choices - when recently cooking for my mother. She skipped anything resembling a vegetable, ate her body-weight in meat, potatoes and fresh bread (despite my making from scratch; Hummus, Baba Ganoush, Fatttoush and Lamb kebab). She was a wonderful cook herself and we never went without anything (all food groups represented) and it was never out of a packet. However, I got a rude awakening as to how a mothers preferences in showing affection and her deeper psychological state, totally influenced us kids.

When pressing me on my weight loss, she conceded that she'd always focussed too much on the carbs ('tis an Irish thing) when we were children and how she'd misrepresented the importance of bread and potatoes in our diet. This was also, and sadly, tempered with how her inability to show affection, manifested itself in the reward system she'd assigned for herself. In that by feeding her offspring, she'd aligned this with the ultimate expression of love....

As much as I love my mother and as much of a wonderful cook she was; I realised that the burden of responsibility for the reason I was so overweight as a child, which then carried on into adulthood, was as much her responsibility as it was mine. I, too, now feed those I love. Not because I have an incapability to show love, but that these deeply engrained examples have become the example I work from. Despite these factors changing - because of the surgery - I can see where these behaviours are hard cycles to break and have left me with a mental quandary over identity and 'healthy' expressions of love and affection.

I have no idea as to the extent to how people evaluate the impact of bariatric surgery on their lives. Tactical and strategic analysis is difficult to do when everyone is so enraptured by the immediate gratification gained from losing pounds and having all those non-scale-victories (lest we talk about the 'my cats blacker' self affirming attitudes which occasional pervades this website).... But has it forced you to re-evaluate the causes for your issue?

Have you searched your soul and now have a better handle on how you ended up in this position? 'Cause lets face it - most of us can sit in a psychologist's chair for hours at a time, spinning the wheel - but unless you're willing to strip back your insecurities to the bare-bones truth, doesn't it all feel a bit, well, empty?

Have we learnt anything other than to count the carbs, count the Protein, measure the Water consumption and count the calories in order to be fitter, tighter, healthier, smaller, more socially acceptable?

I truly believe our surgical endeavors absolutely force us to re-evaluate our lives, our succor/comfort systems and our behaviour. Consequently and because of how hard it is (emotionally), do we not sneer with derision at those who proffer 'surgery is the easy option'. Out of the curtailment of our ability to chow down and eat our way to 'happiness'; is there not something more emotional and scarily deep, that we've had to confront every time we look in the mirror?

i know I'm not an island unto myself. We were weak. We are, still, weak.

Outside of the victories in maintaining a life of low fat, cottage cheese virtuous goodness. There is a deeper significance to combating the external expression of our hurt.

What are yours?

With utmost respect and affection,

Revs x

Since we are baring our souls here today...haha... how is this one? A friend I haven't seen or talked to in awhile wanted to know how I am really doing and I let him know I don't feel that great - emotionally. He listed all the great things in my life and that I look like Betty Boop (inside joke I guess) just asked me "what is it that you see that is different?" I told him that I see everything he mentions, but deep inside I am sad because looks are not my number one priority in life (regardless of all my jokes about being vain) and the last 3 months have basically been a total drag. I spent about a month making myself about sick with anxiety prior to my plastic surgery and then the last 7 weeks recovering. I still have weird tingles and things and frankly, don't feel like myself. I am not living the life I want and somehow am having a hard time getting the train back on the tracks even though there is no longer a physical reason for it. Anyway, it is a temporary situation, but for right now the holidays kind of suck although I also love them, I am cold, my horses are dirty, my house is dirty, - basically my whole life has sorta piled up on me while I was recovering and I feel overwhelmed and can't seem to get started on regaining some order to my world even though I am healed plenty well enough to do so. Talk about negative self talk - I keep thinking, this will be the day I start living life the way I want and everyday I don't. I don't need to be comforted, I know the drill and what I need to do - it is just where I am at today... pitttteeee partyeeeeee.... haha

I don't know what it would be like to have a "perfect" body... Even with the loss I still have my

(In)security blanket of flesh. And I just told you how prettiness feels to me. I want it, I don't want it, I want to not need it,

I can imagine plastics while really cool, can be an emotional journey too.

I mean most of us are like aw man I lost this weight but dang I wish my thighs didn't drag down towards the floor....

As hard as it is to deal with my smaller self, what would it be like to deal with my more physically "perfect" or "normal" self?

You are a great friend and a strong person Jane, I know active you are, and to be down by force even if it were something you wanted must be hard for you..

I bet when you can get up on that horse again.

It will come together for you.

And on days like today I would love it even more! Demons are a bitched!! I have found this time of year "which I love" Is the hardest part of this journey so far. I know I'm new but the comfort food this time of year is the devil. I just want to hide in the closet and eat sweets. But then my almost 3 year old would find me and I would feel like POS!!!

I went into this "holiday season" with "I want more that just to get by" or "maintain" lol!!!

I'll be lucky to hold on for dear life and make it out the other end with only minor scrapes and bruises

I'm curious as to how many of us have been forced to "eat it all" as children. I learned that not eating was wasteful. It is a hard habit to break. One solution that I have found...use a smaller plate.

And on days like today I would love it even more! Demons are a bitched!! I have found this time of year "which I love" Is the hardest part of this journey so far. I know I'm new but the comfort food this time of year is the devil. I just want to hide in the closet and eat sweets. But then my almost 3 year old would find me and I would feel like POS!!!

I went into this "holiday season" with "I want more that just to get by" or "maintain" lol!!!

I'll be lucky to hold on for dear life and make it out the other end with only minor scrapes and bruises

I wish also!!!

I'm curious as to how many of us have been forced to "eat it all" as children. I learned that not eating was wasteful. It is a hard habit to break. One solution that I have found...use a smaller plate.

I'm still struggling with this. I have a few time in these short 3 months kept eating my small plate just because unknowingly tryd to finish my plate. That is going to take some time to get used to.

I promised I would post a better explanation for why this thread, and ALL of the contributors helped me today, so here goes.

I have worked VERY hard to NOT think about how i ended up where I ended up (5'4" 248 lbs at my highest). I guess I thought that if i ignored it, it would go away...I'm not even sure I knew what IT was.

So, the thread, dah dah dam!!

I know I got to where I was by not eating healthy, even though I had convinced myself that I was doing pretty good. I had rationalized that I just wasn't active enough. But, that's not entirely accurate.

Every picture of me as a child has me eating something (cookie, turkey leg...). I came along when my older siblings were 8 and 5. They HATED me (dad's second marriage, their mom abandoned them, blah blah blah). My parents had 2 kids around that were pretty self sufficient, so as soon as I could I had to do for myself. If i was upset, "here's a cookie" i wanted something, "eat this."

I can remember my grandparents making comments about my weight and size from the time I was 6 or 7... and looking at those pictures? That little girl was NOT that big! I was really active and I played hard. Our house was a "clean your plate" house though, no matter what...you take it you eat it (even if it was dished for us).

Fast forward a couple years and I am told 2 things in a very short time frame 1) I have absolutely no chance to ever be even slightly attractive, look at how ugly my parents are (at 12 by my older brother) and 2) that i really needed to take off about 20 lbs because I was just in too big of a size of clothing (by my grandparents)(abuse begins by family memeber). This is in spite of the fact that I am competitively swimming, and swim 10-18 miles per

week.

At 13 my parents divorce, and I am blamed (wow do I hold a lot of power).

At 14 I move to a new town away from my dad and my mom basically lets go, I can do what ever I want when ever.

By this time I am starting high school sports and swimming has become my life. I swim 20-30 miles a week, I am a state qualifier, I am still too fat (according to the family, at 5'4" 136 lbs with HUGE breasts...seriously).

I don't eat, not really. Just chef salads, and whatever casserole my mom makes for dinner, if that.

My senior year...I don't swim, for various reasons. I jump to 156, I am in an all out search for someone, anyone to prove my brother wrong...only problem is that I only have 1 asset, one thing to offer and once that is given...bye bye. Then I meet a guy that says all the right things, I move out before I graduate and move in with him. I am pregnant by September and have my first son at 19...Oh, and his daddy left when I was 2 2/12 months pregnant (although he did take care of our son, and has been a pretty decent dad). I was still on the hunt, had my second son at 22...intro Post Partum Depression...I never lost the baby weight, just started packing it on.

Met my hubby when second son was 5 weeks. Hubby is not really a go and doer, he's a sit and watcher, as in movies, movies, more movies.

2 years later and I'm 248 lbs.

I start paying more attention and get down to 236, but that's it. I recognize that I am an emotional eater, a boredom eater, an eat when you are full eater.

I get pregnant with my first daughter, I'm so sick I lose 30 lbs by 24 weeks and only gain 6 back, 15 moths later I'm pregnant with second daughter, so sick I lose 28 lbs gain 17 back. I proceed to gain all the weight back up to the 248, even with a breast reduction.

Fast forward to 2010 and my husband is in an accident at work, has surgery, develops complications and is in ICU for 39 hours...I was faced with 4 kids, and not knowing how I could possibly live long enough at the rate I was going to see them raised. Then I was watching tv, on mute in the icu, and saw an episode of the biggest loser. I thought that if they could run at over 40 lbs, then what the heck was I doing?

So, I started couch25K, then started swimming, then biking then kettle belling...got down to 216 lbs, but no lower, maintained for 2 years, and then the weight started coming back, not reduction in exercise or increase in calories...up it went to 236lbs, when I hoped out of my vehicle in April and snapped a bone in my foot. I was done, started the sleeve process and sleeved 8/12.

I'm sorry that is so long, I just didn't know quite how to get to this point with out a bit of the back ground.

If you look at my story, it is so similar to everyone else's...I am not alone! I am struggling, but again, this thread says I am not alone! I had a screwed up childhood (way more than I shared) but I am not alone! There are people who are like me that are being successful, which gives me some very much needed hope!

So how did I get here? It was a very convoluted path of abuse, self medicating with food, over eating, slowing my own metabolism with my own actions, creating a huge stomach that could hold copious amounts of gluttonous binge, PCOS induced insulin resistance, and plain old slothfulness.

Now what? Because this surgery really only fixed one thing, and that is the size of my stomach. I have addressed my emotional eating. most days I chose to not eat when I am overwhelmed, but there are some days, and sometimes a few in a row that my binge wins over what I know the right thing to do is. I am running, and biking and swimming again (it's like returning home, only with out the pressure). Picos symptoms are pretty much gone (except TOM carb craving).

The not winning is very scary to me. If I have learned anything from the posts though, I am not a failure, I CAN succeed.

Now I am faced with a new fear...Have I totally screwed up my kids? My oldest has the highest metabolism at 5'10" and 147lbs and is in Boot Camp for the Marine Corps, my 15 year old is 6'1" and 214lbs, he won't eat breakfast, some times doesn't eat lunch, and will eat dinner, but not huge amounts unless it's pizza. He has also attempted suicide and has been a cutter...these issues have alleviated with amazing counseling and a communication relationship between us that is awe-inspiring (I did my own happy dance this week Laura when he brought home a 3.8 gpa, so I get it!). My 10 year old daughter is only going to be 4'6"-4'9" and is one solid bodied girl (not heavy just very muscular with perfect gymnast butt and thighs, lol). She plays basketball and volleyball and wants to play soccer this spring. My 8 year old daughter may make 5' and is solid but thin. She is in soccer and we have discovered that she doesn't have just 1 aggressive bone, but there must be quite a few, lol. But they have heard me say how fat I am, they have seen me talk about my fat and how ugly I am. (then heard people say how much they look like me). How disgusting I am, how unworthy of love I am...gah! Have I totally screwed them up already? How do I fight what I've already damaged? I hate this!!! I can stand all of those feelings but I can't stand the thought that they may believe the same things about themselves, just because I'm screwed up!

Wow Madame Reverie...when you got me thinking, you got me thinking! Thank you!!!

Laura-ven...I can't begin to tell you the impact your words had on me...Thank you for sharing!

RJ...You are an inspiration

I will never be able to remember everybody else, but thank you all!!!

Crowsnestmama,

I have so much to say but can't find the words just yet...

But two things I must say now.

Thank you for sharing its nice for all of us to know we are not alone..

Also, I think you are a great mom because you are thinking and aware and I can tell by the way you talked about them even in that short time. There is love, deep caring love.

They don't need perfection, they need us and our love.

I would only add one word to your description of the love we all have for our children, Laura, and that is "unconditional".

Everything my mother gave me was conditional, including her love. So cruel, so controlling. And it's why I ended up such a screw up.

But strangely the one area in my life that has escaped from that is me as a mum because I learned what not to do from my mother. My son's relationship with me is the opposite of what I had with my mum. It's what gives me hope that I am capable of overcoming the rest of the sh1t.

As for hugs, what's to stop us all meeting up in 2014 and having a pals get together :-)

I wouldn't need my arm twisting to come to the good ol' US of A for a bit of sunshine..

.................and BBQ

I ate because I finally could. I ate processed shitted because that's all I knew. I ate in HUGE portions because that was my habit. I ate in secret because I knew what I was doing was "against the rules" and wrong. My sleeve keeps me from doing that for now. FOR NOW. (And yes, that scares me.) I am working really hard to relearn portion size and healthy balance.

I am right there with you.

. And sadly ate that food and destroyed the evidence before I got home to eat her healthy cooking.

Yep. Did this too. I still don't understand the compulsion. I think it had something to do with feeling like I had no say in what I ate or how much, growing up. I would allow myself choices, but nobody else could find out. Weird, right? Butter, have you since fessed up to your wife? What did she say? My husband still doesn't know the full extent. I just can't bring myself to go there, though I have dropped hints like "oh you have no idea how much I was eating and how weird my eating was" but I just can't go there.

....Years have past and I have been working on every single issue that haunts me from my past and I have come a long way....I do not think I will ever be totally healed...I think that I am doing amazing considering I was raised by wolves...My mother is a psychopath and my step father was her lap dog....he did all her bidding!!!

You have come a long way! Thank you so much for sharing. I am in awe of your strength of character.

I honestly thought physical hunger was my issue. Im never full....I'm always hungry. ....I have a huge stomach/ appetite up until 4 months ago when the novelty of the sleeve wore off, I found myself having mini binges and eating when not hungry again. All of my past demons are coming back. I eat until I'm in pain. I then realized it's far more than physical hunger. It's embarrassing really. I'm back at square one trying to figure out WHY?!?! The realization has helped me tremendously though. I'm not in denial anymore. I'm not hiding behind excuses anymore. I'm not by any means "cured" but I know what to work on now. I'm taking responsibility, damnit!

I've found myself here a few times lately. I think I'm freaking out that a problem I struggled with for 20 years (and I'm only 35) is almost solved (physically) after not even 7 months. It is whiplash. And though I get a charge out of the benefits, it's like "that's it?" And I have been eating over the discomfort. I don't want to fucked this up so I'm pulling my head out and doing more of the emotional work. My eating is some kind of self-blame mechanism or something. But I'm worth this. So are you, Nicole.

. And sadly ate that food and destroyed the evidence before I got home to eat her healthy cooking.

Yep. Did this too. I still don't understand the compulsion. I think it had something to do with feeling like I had no say in what I ate or how much, growing up. I would allow myself choices, but nobody else could find out. Weird, right? Butter, have you since fessed up to your wife? What did she say? My husband still doesn't know the full extent. I just can't bring myself to go there, though I have dropped hints like "oh you have no idea how much I was eating and how weird my eating was" but I just can't go there.

This. But without the dropping of the hints. My husband doesn't know my weight, he doesn't know my past eating habits, he doesn't even know how much I've lost to date exactly. I have no idea if he even thinks about how I bloomed to 263.8 pounds or if he knows what I did to myself but respects my feelings enough not to bring it up. I don't know and I don't care because I am so fricking embarrassed that I let myself go so far.

I am thrilled beyond all comprehension on how far I've come, but I've gotten to the point where I no longer want to tell anyone how much I've lost. How humiliating is it that I've almost lost my 15 year old (she's 105) who is TALLER than me?

I can celebrate with you all. I can celebrate with my besties. I can not celebrate publicly because I am so ashamed of where I came from and the fact that I am **STILL FAT**. What is that??

Edited December 4, 201312 yr by LipstickLady

This is a fantastic topic! It has been a privilege to read everyone's responses and to be permitted to read the sharing of such raw feelings - thank you!

I too have given this a lot of thought, and given my relationship with my Mom lots of mental space lately. As I spend time with my siblings over recent months, it is now so apparent to me how screwed up 4 out of 5 of us are regarding our relationship to food. I was pretty unaware of how bad it was until just lately.

My parents each had horrendous upbringings, and did their best to not repeat the past on their kids. For that I am grateful. But I think it is inevitable that some of that dysfunctionality will trickle down....

My Dad is all about control. He eats in a very disciplined way, and keeps his weight in check at all times. Its a bit freaky the way he never overdoes it in any way - I so did not inherit that gene!

My Mom definitely had a dysfunctional relationship with food, and would hide her treats from us kids. We knew where they were hidden though, and sometimes I would sneak from her stash. It seemed natural then to me to hide snacks and to eat in private and try to hide the evidence. i could get away with this behavior metabolically until I was in college.

The period of my Mom being diagnosed with cancer (I was 18) and then died (I was 21) was when things spiraled out of control and I have not been able to get back into line for any sustained period of time since then. This sleeve surgery is truly the most success I've had with weight loss my whole life.

Now that I am a little over a year out and have lost much of what I wanted to lose, I'm really struggling. I am hiding food again, and will try to bury my feelings with snacking, but the problem is - its no longer working for me. It doesn't numb my feelings or give me any pleasure anymore. The thing I don't understand about myself is - I know the snacking isn't going to work, but I keep trying to make it work. And I'm afraid that eventually I will somehow figure out a way to make it help me with my feelings again. I can't seem to figure out a alternative way of dealing with my feelings. So instead I'm trying to just sit with them, feel them, and see if that works. But that is such a sucky feeling! I've got to keep working the problem, and I'm not sure how.