Okay, I've been forced to do a lot of soul-searching recently.

Despite sailing through any pre-operative psychological assessment (in fact I was so convincing and probably 'cause I was self pay I wasn't actually referred for the full tests), there is a nagging truth which keeps tapping me on the shoulder and making me uncomfortably aware of the reasons as to why I found myself in this position. The position whereby I felt bariatric surgery was my only viable option to lose weight and take control of my diet. Or more accurately and for me; my portion size.

Although I can intellectualise my way out of a paper bag (as was stated by the psychologist when I finally met them), I had, and have, to be honest as to the reasons I ended up this big.

The answer, as painful as it is, was; my mother.

My mother is a tough cookie. Born in a depressive era in Ireland, with enumerate siblings. She was poor and although educated, she was curtailed in her life choices and was always shown that 'if you love someone, you feed them'. I assume this was their truth, as to feed a very big family was difficult at this time, and was the only example her poor long-suffering and abused mother could muster under extreme circumstances. It was also the only expected long-term outlook for women of childbearing age.

The impact of this, was clearly passed down the genetic line. That in this, the nature/nurture argument for our food weaknesses becomes more pressing. This was exemplified not only in the way my mother behaved generally, but how she administered herself in her marriage and how she behaved with her children.

The extent of this dysfunction only became apparent in how skewed my food choices (and more appropriately: portion sizes) were - and how I was born into those food choices - when recently cooking for my mother. She skipped anything resembling a vegetable, ate her body-weight in meat, potatoes and fresh bread (despite my making from scratch; Hummus, Baba Ganoush, Fatttoush and Lamb kebab). She was a wonderful cook herself and we never went without anything (all food groups represented) and it was never out of a packet. However, I got a rude awakening as to how a mothers preferences in showing affection and her deeper psychological state, totally influenced us kids.

When pressing me on my weight loss, she conceded that she'd always focussed too much on the carbs ('tis an Irish thing) when we were children and how she'd misrepresented the importance of bread and potatoes in our diet. This was also, and sadly, tempered with how her inability to show affection, manifested itself in the reward system she'd assigned for herself. In that by feeding her offspring, she'd aligned this with the ultimate expression of love....

As much as I love my mother and as much of a wonderful cook she was; I realised that the burden of responsibility for the reason I was so overweight as a child, which then carried on into adulthood, was as much her responsibility as it was mine. I, too, now feed those I love. Not because I have an incapability to show love, but that these deeply engrained examples have become the example I work from. Despite these factors changing - because of the surgery - I can see where these behaviours are hard cycles to break and have left me with a mental quandary over identity and 'healthy' expressions of love and affection.

I have no idea as to the extent to how people evaluate the impact of bariatric surgery on their lives. Tactical and strategic analysis is difficult to do when everyone is so enraptured by the immediate gratification gained from losing pounds and having all those non-scale-victories (lest we talk about the 'my cats blacker' self affirming attitudes which occasional pervades this website).... But has it forced you to re-evaluate the causes for your issue?

Have you searched your soul and now have a better handle on how you ended up in this position? 'Cause lets face it - most of us can sit in a psychologist's chair for hours at a time, spinning the wheel - but unless you're willing to strip back your insecurities to the bare-bones truth, doesn't it all feel a bit, well, empty?

Have we learnt anything other than to count the carbs, count the Protein, measure the Water consumption and count the calories in order to be fitter, tighter, healthier, smaller, more socially acceptable?

I truly believe our surgical endeavors absolutely force us to re-evaluate our lives, our succor/comfort systems and our behaviour. Consequently and because of how hard it is (emotionally), do we not sneer with derision at those who proffer 'surgery is the easy option'. Out of the curtailment of our ability to chow down and eat our way to 'happiness'; is there not something more emotional and scarily deep, that we've had to confront every time we look in the mirror?

i know I'm not an island unto myself. We were weak. We are, still, weak.

Outside of the victories in maintaining a life of low fat, cottage cheese virtuous goodness. There is a deeper significance to combating the external expression of our hurt.

What are yours?

With utmost respect and affection,

Revs x

None of us grew up in a vacuum. I was about to write that I blame only myself, which is, to an extent, true, but damn if I can't point to where I learned that self blame, self hatred.

f**king catholicism.

Ha! Aint that the truth, sista! x

It is interesting though. The common theme that I see is that food is not just fuel to any of us. Regardless of what our parents did or didn't do, said or didn't say, etc, food in some way played a bigger part in our lives than in others'.

My husband once said to me about an ex-girlfriend, "She sometimes would forget to eat! Can you imagine?" And neither of us really could. The older I get and the more involved with my work I get, I see it now, but I have been well and truly conditioned to start worrying about what I'm going to make for dinner by mid-afternoon.

So, in the spirit of solidarity let me say about my parents, "Those bastards!" and then move on.

Oh, the "I forget to eat" girl. I have a bestie that is like that. She doesn't say it to be coy, she doesn't say it to get attention, she says it because it's FUCKEDING true!!! What the fuckeding fucked? She literally lives off coffee, not because she is dieting, she is naturally skinny as are her parents, her siblings, even her freaking animals.

The only time I have ever been one to skip a meal pre-sleeve was when I was all jacked up on Phentermine. Man, I loved that stuff. Loved it.

If I'm really busy that sometimes happens to me. But it means lunch at 2, not NO lunch.

I also loved Phentermine for that reason.

Note to self: stop planning next meal.

I don't want to be on a 'diet'. I want everything I used to eat. Just much smaller portions of it.

This is my intention from my sleeve forward. It has to be. I just have to reprogram myself to get there.

........

I don't want to be on a 'diet'. I want everything I used to eat. Just much smaller portions of it.......

See, my problem is...everything I used to eat was killing me. Even in smaller amounts, it would eventually cause me regain, not to mention diabetes. I was living on the fast food diet. I just didn't take the time to cook, or even grocery shop. My kitchen was nothing more than a place to store the pizza boxes that were constantly arriving. And even after I got married to a woman that loved to cook....and reasonably healthy meals, I still supplemented her cooking with frequent stops at Whataburger or wherever else I felt the need. And sadly ate that food and destroyed the evidence before I got home to eat her healthy cooking.

I know that has nothing to do with the point of this thread....but rather just with your statement I quoted above.

It's honest, Butter. I appreciate that greatly.

As much as I love my mother.....she contributed to my food issues as well. She was opposite of yours, though. She would make me feel like a complete low life fat ass if I went for a second helping or was hungry between mealtimes. She made me feel guilty which led to binge eating and eating secretly in shame. She didn't know how to express her concern. I understand though. I struggle with my own son who doesn't care about food and is so picky I have to stop myself from forcing food on him. I don't want him to have an unhealthy relationship with food. Sometimes we stress so much about doing right by our kids we cause more damage.

ditto. Same thing for me. Having a hard time forgiving and moving on.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this thread.

I'm Pre-op and absolutely terrified sometimes. Like I'm fixin' to open one hell of a Pandora's box and I need to be ready for it.

I have the same Mommy/Daddy issues I think most people have at this point. From co-dependency and disordered eating and self-harm. I've been there. I've done it. I've worked very hard and still work very hard to come back from it.

I'm not interested in getting skinny. And if my doc had never put me on blood pressure meds and threatened cholesterol meds and if my beloved niece hadn't looked at me with her big doe eyes and asked if I was ok when I was wheezing and out of breath, I would never have made this choice.

I am an adorable fat girl. I am unfortunately not a very healthy fat girl.

And food has been my best lover/friend/companion for a LONG TIME. And part of it feels like getting a divorce from it. Or at least a separation. And on a certain level, it HURTS. I know this coping mechanism isn't doing me any favors and the time's come to let it go, but man.

My therapist and I have been working on the mantra "Food is fuel and nothing more" to get me in a good head space.

But thank you for making me feel less alone.

I am proud to think of you both as Bariatric Pals.

Me too!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this thread.

I'm Pre-op and absolutely terrified sometimes. Like I'm fixin' to open one hell of a Pandora's box and I need to be ready for it.

I have the same Mommy/Daddy issues I think most people have at this point. From co-dependency and disordered eating and self-harm. I've been there. I've done it. I've worked very hard and still work very hard to come back from it.

I'm not interested in getting skinny. And if my doc had never put me on blood pressure meds and threatened cholesterol meds and if my beloved niece hadn't looked at me with her big doe eyes and asked if I was ok when I was wheezing and out of breath, I would never have made this choice.

I am an adorable fat girl. I am unfortunately not a very healthy fat girl.

And food has been my best lover/friend/companion for a LONG TIME. And part of it feels like getting a divorce from it. Or at least a separation. And on a certain level, it HURTS. I know this coping mechanism isn't doing me any favors and the time's come to let it go, but man.

My therapist and I have been working on the mantra "Food is fuel and nothing more" to get me in a good head space.

But thank you for making me feel less alone.

You are most certainly not alone. We're all here, whenever you need us. Our specific issues may all vary in their nature and presentation - but we most certainly all have them. Sometimes it is a Pandora''s box, but we're all trying to find our way to deal with that. It is excellent you're in counseling for it.

As for the feeling 'divorced' from food. I can totally relate to that. It will feel like that for a few weeks, but by week 6, you'll be all good and making happy, healthy and smaller choices.

You'll be in charge of your own destiny from this point and we'll all be here to help you along.

I loved reading all of these messages...we all face our own demons with regards to food. It seems a lot of times, we kinda have some of the same demons though.

@laura - I hope your day gets better - seriously you've been such an inspiration to me and many others - but I know sometimes folks just need a break. It's understandable.

@madamrev - I seriously could read your writings all day!! You should write a book!

I think I do write books.. Every time I get 'on one' when on this website

Glad it makes sense to you though x

Ok.. read through this thread n want to respond, but I just got home from Vacaaation n I now need a vacation from vacation. Back tomorrow zzzzzzz

Thank you for starting this thread, Rev. I've also been thinking a lot about the food messages I received growing up. My grandmother fed the people she loved copious amounts of food, but she spent her entire life gaining and losing the same 20 lbs. My mother is a pretty terrible cook, so my sister & I were fed a continuous stream of packaged, heavily processed crap food from my mom & heaping helpings of southern-fried deliciousness from my grandmother. Neither way of eating was an example of a healthy (or even a moderately OK) diet.

My first husband was a seriously talented cook & he made incredible meals every night. His food was rich and delicious, and he never made healthy or lighter alternatives. In fact, when I would try to lose weight, he complained that he didn't see why he should compromise the quality of his food just because I had a weight problem (he has always been very lean). I never learned anything about proper portion size, and I took a daily medication with a side effect of increased appetite. Naturally, my weight ballooned.

Now, I feel like I am gradually getting a better handle on my eating. It's taking some time & it's definitely a process. I'm trying to keep myself prepared to make changes when something stops working, since I've heard so many vets say they found they had to make more changes as they got further out. I enjoy the NSV's, markers, and milestones of my weight loss, but I'm trying to keep most of my focus on the long term changes rather than the short term "woo hoo" moments.

I haven't yet a clue what "maintenance" should look like for me. In my dreams, it is "eat whatever I want, just smaller amounts" but I suspect the reality for maintenance will more likely be "eat very carefully so as not to regain." I wish I knew.

My hope is that with tons of practice, eating very carefully will eventually feel like eating whatever I want, just in smaller amounts. Because with my "naturally skinny" friends, that is what I observe. It's not that they never indulge, but if I am paying attention they indulge in a very measured way.