Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

Tell me if I'm wrong...



Recommended Posts

Carlene:

I am going to tell you a story which I see as analogous, but I would assume other members (and maybe you) will not.

A women in my family called her cousin up and said that she was getting married and he was invited (of course), but he could not bring either his Black wife, nor their bi-racial child (though other family members' children of the same age were invited).

I guess the "I am the Bride, it's My Day" motto has to know some limits. The white man, his Black wife and their child went to the movies instead of the wedding.

I wonder how often that happens and I also wonder how often it happens to Gay couples, when the family member of a Gay couple is invited but not the partner of the family member.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had a very small wedding, but it was very nice. My oldest niece, 10 at the time wanted to be in the wedding, I didn't have anyone in the wedding, no brides maids, no groomsmen nothing. My mom walked me and gave me away (last minute decision). I told my sister that there would be no attendants and my niece threatened to ruin the wedding (she has a horrible temper) so I asked that she not attend. There were going to be other kids there, and her sisters were still welcome to attend as they had not threatened to act out and ruin our wedding. Well my sister said that would be fine, she could stay with her grandmother. The afternoon of my wedding my sister called several family members and tried to get them to cancel last minute, several did, some didn't. I ended up paying for 25 people to attend a reception that never came, never sent money to cover their plates, and never apologized for not showing up. They went to the movies instead of attending my wedding. I was hurt and pissed. My sister and I didn't talk for almost a year. When she found out I was pregnant she called and wanted to work things out. My niece was rewarded for her actions.

While I don't think it is fair to leave out one child and ask another, it is her wedding and she may have other reasons besides height? I don't know your dgd or the aunt. Is it possible to explain to Emily that her sister was asked because she is taller, older or whatever and then do something special with her to make up for it? Maybe a day at the salon for a makeover? A day shopping, spend the money that you would have spent on the dress buying several outfits for spring? Just don't let the bad feeling build and explode on the day of the wedding. Try talking it out with both dgd there, see what they want to work out. By the way, I would say no to a week long trip for a fitting, especially if that means missing school. ~Mandy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey there.

Can Emily be an Honorary Guest? She gets to sit in the front, wear a flower. What would that hurt? You can have as many honarary guests you want in a wedding. That would make Emily feel extra special!

Now, I have three daughters. Two close in age at 9 & 7. I too, have experienced the younger child not getting to do certain things. There was a playdate for my older daughter and I dropped her off and my younger one was in tears asking why she couldn't go. I felt bad. However, it is our job to teach our children COPING skills for the real world. It will not always be fair. They have to be taught that they won't always get to do the same things at the same time. What about when one gets a drivers license first, etc...you can't accomodate every difference. I understand in this case there is more of an emotional element.

See her through the disappointment. Let her know, REAFFIRM, she is very much LOVED by auntie (if possible, tell Auntie how upset Emily is and ask if she can talk to her to reaffirm how important she is, it would be better coming from her) and it is absolutely not because she is not pretty enough, etc. If the Auntie couldn't even make her an honorary guest, then she is probably asserting her authority over the situation to make a point.

If it were me I would have to say I would not let one lose the opportunity because the other one is upset about it. That is LIFE! That is REALITY! This is where you learn COPING skills! Is it unfair? Yes, to a degree. Is it hard to watch? Absolutely. The reality is, life is not fair. You can take this opportunity to encourage Emily to learn to cope with disappointment and then make it a happy event. Tell Emily while her sister is gone, you will do something special with her (something you know she would love). So she has something to be excited about that week. Maybe a slumber party, or take her and a friend to the movies. Get her nails done. I know it hurts to watch the little one's feeling hurt, but don't make the other child lose out on something she wants to do because that is just as wrong.

I don't know if I am making any sense. I hope I was clear about my point.

:D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Somone else asked about Emily being an attendant. When I was 10 or so I was an attendant at my uncles wedding. My job was to make sure everyone signed the guest book. I greete people at the reception and had them sign the book. It was easy, fun and made me feel special. I was able to dress in the wedding colors (not as fancy as the wedding party) I wore a dress that I was able to wear to church after the wedding. I was in the pictures, and the bride and groom gave me a small gift. That might be a simple resolution to this problem. ~Mandy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No, she only gets the last word on who's invited to participate. Even Cheyenne's mother does not get the "last word" regarding her activities, although I respect her opinion and am always willing to listen to her input.

I kind of assumed that you'd let Cheyenne make her own decision about whether to participate, since she's 14. :D

Please don't misunderstand: I wholeheartedly agree that Auntie's actions are potentially hurtful and even unkind, and if I were in your shoes I'd probably encourage Cheyenne to turn down the invitation.

But I still wouldn't think Auntie has done anything "wrong" -- she makes her decisions, and we can choose to go along or not. I just think it's inappropriate to ask her to change her decisions based on what anyone else thinks is "right."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I dunno...I have four daughters. The older two are 2.5 years apart and the younger two are 1.5 years apart. My girls wouldn't want to be in a wedding if it was going to hurt the other sister to be left out.

I see both side of the dilemma...gotta teach our kids that life isn't always fair. But I look at it like this...if Emily is left out and Cheyenne is kept in, that may stick with Emily and could damage her sense of self worth, hence lasting affects. If Cheyenne is not in the wedding to help spare her sister, she may get mad, but her sense of self worth is not damaged because the reason for her not being in the wedding would be to spare her sister pain. She'd most likely get over it a lot faster.

I know it's the Brides day...yadda yadda yadda...but WAY too many brides put WAY too much infasis on the one day they get to be the star.

And I know I'll probably get flack for this, but many people see a BIG huge ordeal of a wedding, for people that have been living together, as kind of a moot point. I personally don't understand it. I guess I could understand having a big party to Celebrate finally tying the knot, but can't understand the expensive gowns, flowers, etc when you've already spent years under the same roof. JMHO

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You guys are so sweet....and honest....and helpful.

One thing I forgot to mention...between them the bride and groom have 7 nieces/nephews. The only ones not invited to be in the wedding party (groomsmen, flower girls, ring bearer, etc) are Emily and her 6 year-old brother. He, however, doesn't care, so I did not make an issue of it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have to agree with Tired Old Man, weddings are way over the top, they are expensive and people go way to far. I had a wedding for 70 people for less than $2500 dress new suit for DH, reception and all. It was a good time, simple, and fun. ~Mandy

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds to me like it is time for a get together with all parties involved. If Auntie wants it her way, let her talk to the girls, etc. Let her inform Cheyenne that the only reason she was picked was height, not looks.

If you feel strongly about it, then stick to your guns, and let them hammer it out with Auntie, do not let her make you the bad guy.

I also agree with Mandy---a week away for a fitting? No way! My decision would have hinged on that from the beginning. Who is footing the bill for that? Where will they be staying? Who will be with your young DGD 24/7? Do you know the others going for the fittings? I may be alarmist, but you know nothing about the groom to be's family that might be there.

The fairness of the situation, I can see both sides to and could be swayed either way. The safety of the child is not something I would give an inch on.

Good Luck Carlene---I am afraid you may need it!

Kat

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The way I see it, the "bride" is not willing to compromise. You and her Dad both agreed to pay for a dress and both agreed that she did not have to be part of the wedding party but could have a special role in a special dress. THAT is not unreasonable. Since you are not demanding that the younger grandaughter be in the actual wedding party, the "bride" needs to be reasonable and come to some sort of "let's meet in the middle" resolution. As for your older grandaughter, she needs to imagine how she would feel if she were the only one left out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Im a chick that agrees with TOM, I think weddings are over the top.

I did have a small church wedding and a small reception.

I did spend more on my 7 day cruise to Alaska than on my entire wedding. (tickets and $500 spending cash)

I waiver from the "oh the horror the younger one feels" to the "she's got to learn sometime" side of the fence.

You mentioned that the younger lived with the Auntie for a while. Did the older one? If the older one didnt, is the Auntie's way of making up for that?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the aunt is being very selfish and nasty by not letting Emily participate in some way in the wedding party, especially since you have offered to offset the financial burden by paying for the dress. What kind of person would knowingly hurt a little 11 year old's feelings? That is really rotten.

That being said, I tend to agree with the other people who said "teaching that life isn't fair". As hurtful as it is, I think there's something positive in breaking it to kids gently, and early on, that sometimes, they are not going to be included in everything all the time. I agree with those who suggested that you could "make it up" to Emily by taking her out for a special day, perhaps to a salon to get her hair done and out to a fancy lunch. Explain that the decision was not based on the aunt liking Cheyenne better in any way, but that Cheyenne is older and therefore taller so she matches up with the boy, etc. And say "you'll be able to be in a wedding when you're a little older, and I'm sorry it didn't work out, but how about we have a special day together to make it up to you?"

Cheyenne shouldn't be punished because of the aunt's rudeness, so this solution will make both kids feel special.

In the meantime, does the aunt's future husband know he's marrying a B****? LOL!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you made the decision of "no", how would you tell the older sister that she was "not allowed" to be in the wedding?

My wedding was me, hubby, my parents, our JoP, and our photographer on the edge of a cliff in Red Rock canyon. Planned 4 days before the actual event. Now THAT'S how you do a wedding!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tina and I will Celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary on 7-7-07. We were married in my in-laws' finished basement by my (minister) father-in-law, had 20 guests and we spent less than $500 between clothes, food, and drinks.

My son and his bride had a wedding that cost over $50,000 and the marriage lasted less than 3 years before the divorce was final. I spent more money on my son's wedding rehearsal dinner than on my wedding.

In some things, you get what you pay for. But not always.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Trending Products

  • Trending Topics

  • Recent Status Updates

    • LeighaTR

      I am new here today... and only two weeks out from my sleeve surgery on the 23rd. I am amazed I have kept my calories down to 467 today so far... that leaves me almost 750 left for dinner and maybe a snack. This is going to be tough for two weeks... but I have to believe I can do it!
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • Doughgurl

      Hey everyone. I'm new here so I thought I should introduce myself. I am 53y/o and am scheduled for Gastric Bypass on June 25th, 2025. I'm located in San Antonio, Texas. I will be having my surgery in Tiajuana Mexico. I've wanted this for years, but I always had insurance where bariatric procedures were excluded. Finally I am able to afford to pay out of pocket.  I can't wait to get started, and I hope I'm prepared for the initial period of "hell". I know what I have signed up for, but I'm sure the good to come will out way the temporary period of discomfort and feelings of regret. I'd love to find people to talk to who have been through the same procedure or experience before. So I look forward to meeting you all. Hope you have a great week!
      · 2 replies
      1. Selina333

        I'm so happy for you! You are about to change your life. I was so glad to get the sleeve done in Dec. I didn't have feelings of regret overall. And I'm down almost 60 lbs. I do feel a little sad at restaurants. I can barely eat half a kid's meal. I get adults meals often because kid ones don't have the same offerings at times. Then I feel obligated to eat on that until it's gone and that can be days. So the restaurant thing isn't great for me. All the rest is fine by me! I love feeling full with very little. I do wish I could drink when eating. And will sip at the end. Just a strong habit to stop. But I'm working on it! You will do fine! Just keep focused on your desire to be different. Not better or worse. But different. I am happy both ways but my low back doesn't like me that heavy. So I listened (also my feet!). LOL! Update us on your journey! I'm not far from you. I'm in Houston. Good luck and I hope it all goes smoothly! Would love to see pics of the town you go to for this. I've never been there. Neat you will be traveling for this! Enjoy the journey. Take it one day at a time. Sometimes a few hours at a time. Follow all recommendations as best you can. 💗

      2. Doughgurl

        Thank you so much for your well wishes. I am hoping that everything goes easy for me as well. We don't eat out much as it is, so it wont be too bad in that department. Thankfully. Also, I hear you regarding your back and feet!! I'd like to add knees to the list. Killing me as we speak! I'm only 5' so the weight has to go. Too short to carry all this weight. Menopause really did a doosey on me. (😶lol) My daughter also lives in Houston. with her Husband and my 5 grand-littles. I grew up in Beaumont, so I know Houston well, I will be sure to keep in touch and update you on my journey. I may need some advice in the future, or just motivation. Thank You so much for reaching out, I was hoping to connect with someone in the community. I really appreciate it. 💜

    • Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 1 reply
      1. LeighaTR

        I hope your surgery on Wednesday goes well. You will be able to do all sorts of new things as you find your new normal after surgery. I don't know this from experience yet, but I am seeing a lot of positive things from people who have had it done. Best of luck!

    • Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 1 reply
      1. summerseeker

        Life as a big person had limited my life to what I knew I could manage to do each day. That was eat. I hadn't anything else to look forward to. So my eating choices were the best I could dream up. I planned the cooking in managable lots in my head and filled my day with and around it.

        Now I have a whole new big, bigger, biggest, best days ever. I am out there with those skinny people doing stuff i could never have dreamt of. Food is now an after thought. It doesn't consume my day. I still enjoy the good home cooked food but I eat smaller portions. I leave food on my plate when I am full. I can no longer hear my mother's voice saying eat it all up, ther are starving children in Africa who would want that!

        I still cook for family feasts, I love cooking. I still do holidays but I have changed from the All inclusive drinking and eating everything everyday kind to Self catering accommodation. This gives me the choice of cooking or eating out as I choose. I rarely drink anymore as I usually travel alone now and I feel I need to keep aware of my surroundings.

        I don't know at what point my life expanded, was it when I lost 100 pounds? Was it when I left my walking stick at home ? Was it when I said yes to an outing instead of finding an excuse to stay home ? i look back at my last five years and wonder how loosing weight has made such a difference. Be ready to amaze yourself.

        BTW, the liquid diet sucks, one more day and you are over the worst. You can do it.

    • CaseyP1011

      Officially here for a long time, not just a good time💪
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
  • Recent Topics

  • Hot Products

  • Sign Up For
    Our Newsletter

    Follow us for the latest news
    and special product offers!
  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs

    PatchAid Vitamin Patches

    ×