My granddaughter lives with me (age 14). She has a younger sister (age 11) who lives with their mother (my daughter). The girls have a paternal aunt who is getting married (finally....the groom had to finalize his divorce first, and they had two children during their "courtship", but never mind that). Auntie called me a couple of months ago and asked if Cheyenne could be one of her bridesmaids. Auntie asked me not to mention it to Emily (the other granddaughter) because "I haven't figured out a part for Emily in the wedding yet". I (foolish me) took that to mean there WOULD be a role for Emily in her aunt's wedding.

Spring Break is coming up. Auntie wants to take Cheyenne (the bridesmaid granddaughter) to San Antonio for the week and have the bridesmaid's dress fitted. Okay....but I mentioned this to my daughter, only to learn that nothing has been said about Emily....no dress fitting, no asking permission for her to be in the wedding....nothing.

So last night I told Cheyenne to find out from Auntie what Emily's part will be in the wedding. Auntie says she still "doesn't know". So I said to Cheyenne, "I'm concerned that your aunt may leave Emily out of her wedding entirely and if that's the case, you aren't going to be in it, either. You're sisters, close in age, and that's just not right. Emily is going to think Auntie likes you better than her."

It was as if I had dropped the bomb to set off WWIII. Auntie called me, screaming that I was "butting into her business"...."trying to ruin her wedding"....and informed me that "this isn't going to happen".

Her reason for not including Emily, she said, was that she couldn't afford another dress. "I'll pay for the dress," I said. Then she said she couldn't include her in the bridal party because there was no male counterpart for her on the groom's side. I reminded her that at her brother's wedding, when she was 8 years old, we included a young boy we would not have otherwise, for the exact same reason - so she would not be left out. And I paid for her dress. She told me, in response, that this was her wedding, "not your daughter's".

Cheyenne is furious with me, and with her mother (for not bucking my decision). I, however, think this is just a really inconsiderate act on Auntie's part. Turns out she invited Cheyenne to participate because the groom has a 10 year old brother who will be a groomsman and they needed someone close to his height on the bride's side, so the wedding party looks symmetrical. Cheyenne is 4' 10" and Emily is about two inches shorter.

So....what do you guys think? I believe family is more important that symmetry. Am I being unreasonable?

I totally agree - poor Emily - esp at that age - I'm sure she would like to be included and what a ridiculous reason - auntie doesn't sound very conventional to me so why is she being so 'conventional' in the staging? Why can't Emily walk down the aisle with her sister and partner - a girl on each side? Or with the ring bearer? Jeez = it seems very stupid to me

Or could Emily do a reading - if you are willing to buy the dress - that might work if she is comfortable in front of people

I'm not sure how I feel about your other granddaughter being in the wedding - seems she shouldn't be made to be left out because of Auntie's insensitivity either but a whole week away to get fitted seems a bit much when Emily is not even included.

Tough call but in the end it is Auntie's wedding and if she wants it a certain way I guess it is her day but imo it does seem like you've made it easy money wise for both kids to be incoluded and she could find a way.

Good luck keeping the peace!

Wow...that's a toughie! As I was reading I was thinking...maybe your 11 year old grand daughter could be the Hostess/Guest Book attendee? What about a Jr. Bridesmaid? If there is a program being handed out to guests, she would be listed as such and would not need a boy to escourt her. She would simply come in before the flower girl and ring bearer.

If neither of these ideas work for Auntie, like you, I would stand my ground and say "it's both or neither, the choice is yours". I think you've been more than fair and reasonable by offering to buy the dress and accomodate her in any way you could by including both grand daughters.

Tell her to watch Dr. Phil's "Bridezilla" episode! hehe

Oh Carlene, I can so understand where you are coming from. It is very hard when one sibling is invited to be a part of an event and the other is left out. I admire your intention to want things "fair". IMHO, I must say that regardless of how unfair and inconsiderate the Auntie is, the fact is, it is her wedding and she had the right to choose who she wants to participate....regardless of the reasons given to include or exclude others.

I am having a similar delimma with my son and future daughter in law. They are getting married in May and my daughter (his sister) is very upset that they have not asked my grand daughter (15 mos old) to be a flower girl. Their reasoning is that she is too young and would not be able to "perform" her duties properly and would be a distraction. I totally agree. But my daughter insists that if Uncle Tim really loved her, he wouldn't care and would want her to be included just to be able to say in the future that she was in his wedding. It has become a HOT topic. As much as I think my granddaughter would be "precious", I have to back off because it is THEIR wedding.

I really feel for you and the granddaughter not in the wedding. I think it is unfair and does seem to show favoritism that may haunt the bride's relationship with her niece in the future. Obviously, she has not thought of that.

I don't care who's wedding it is!!

It is your responsibility to teach the grand-daughter that you are raising lessons about fairness and selfishness.

You are doing the best you can in this "me first, me only" world.

You have my support.

I hope that doesn't change your mind.

I have to agree with Ms. Vicki. In my opinion, the bride and groom's decision shouldn't be questioned by anyone. It's their event and they get to plan it the way they want.

I have two daughters, and am excruciatingly aware of the consequences when one is invited to do something and the other is not. But were I in this situation I'd have to explain to my daughters that Auntie gets to make the decisions. I tell them that there will be many situations in the future that differ for them, and they must enjoy the other's experiences as best they can and realize they will get their turn down the line. Things simply cannot always be exactly the same for both! I really feel for my younger daughter because many, many times the reason she can't do something her sister does is just "you're younger, you have to wait." I know that stinks, but it's reality.

Now, of course I don't have to be happy with the decisions, and depending on the relationship I might try various means to get Auntie to change her mind. But bottom line, it's her party and she gets the last word on who participates.

I have to agree with Ms. Vicki. In my opinion, the bride and groom's decision shouldn't be questioned by anyone. It's their event and they get to plan it the way they want.

But Carlene does not have to supply the bridesmaid that they want. Carlene should stick to her guns and stay home along with the rst of the people who live with her.

I guess I'd have to ask - do you think the 11 y/o would even care? I'm an only child, and have virtually no experience with kids that age, so all I can do is ask.

When I was her age I was asked to be in a wedding and had no desire to be in it, so they used one of my cousins instead and it was no sweat for me. When I sat in the audience and saw my cousin up there, it didn't bother me one bit.

I think what's unfortunate is that the bridesmaids are being selected to provide symmetry to the groom's side. That's all about how the pictures look, and nothing about having special people with you on your wedding day.

*ETA - I'm not sure I would agree with the "you use both or you use neither". If it's something the older one wants to do, I wouldn't deprive her of it just because her sister isn't being asked to do the same thing.

Tough situation, glad it's not mine.

Oh Carlene, I can so understand where you are coming from. It is very hard when one sibling is invited to be a part of an event and the other is left out. I admire your intention to want things "fair". IMHO, I must say that regardless of how unfair and inconsiderate the Auntie is, the fact is, it is her wedding and she had the right to choose who she wants to participate....regardless of the reasons given to include or exclude others.

I am having a similar delimma with my son and future daughter in law. They are getting married in May and my daughter (his sister) is very upset that they have not asked my grand daughter (15 mos old) to be a flower girl. Their reasoning is that she is too young and would not be able to "perform" her duties properly and would be a distraction. I totally agree. But my daughter insists that if Uncle Tim really loved her, he wouldn't care and would want her to be included just to be able to say in the future that she was in his wedding. It has become a HOT topic. As much as I think my granddaughter would be "precious", I have to back off because it is THEIR wedding.

I really feel for you and the granddaughter not in the wedding. I think it is unfair and does seem to show favoritism that may haunt the bride's relationship with her niece in the future. Obviously, she has not thought of that.

I have to say from experience that toddlers are not good candidates for the bridal party. My DIL's mother insisted on having her 18 month old grandson perform as ring bearer at my son's wedding. It was a disaster. Children are just too unpredictable at that age. Dustin was disruptive, loud, and uncooperative. He finally had to be handed off to his grandmother so the ceremony could continue.

I guess I'd have to ask - do you think the 11 y/o would even care? I'm an only child, and have virtually no experience with kids that age, so all I can do is ask.

That was my first thought....does Emily even WANT to be in Auntie's wedding? Yes, she does. Her first question was, "Why did Auntie pick Cheyenne and not me? Does she like Cheyenne better than me? Does she think she's prettier?" How do you answer that?

Emily also said, "Please tell Nanny not to stop Cheyenne from being in the wedding. She will think it's all my fault."

The last word I received was this morning. Emily's father weighed in (how nice of him, since he does little else) and said he will pay for Emily's dress if his sister can find a place for her in the wedding. She (the aunt) is adamant, however, that Emily will NOT be part of the actual ceremony/bridal party, as she says that has already been "arranged".

I'd like to add that Emily's hurt is compounded by the fact that she lived with this aunt for several months and feels quite a bond with her and her two young children.

But bottom line, it's her party and she gets the last word on who participates.

No, she only gets the last word on who's invited to participate. Even Cheyenne's mother does not get the "last word" regarding her activities, although I respect her opinion and am always willing to listen to her input.

On one hand, I agree that this is a hurtful situation for your younger grandaughter. On the other, I think that the person planning the wedding should call the shots on who she wants in it. So I don't know what to tell you, Carlene. I think that one of your grandaughters is going to be hurt any way you solve it. Either one is hurt because she will be left out, or the other is hurt because she is being forced to sit out because of her sister.

Maybe you could make sure that Emily knows that her sister was only chosen because of her height, and that she'll probably get a chance to be in the next wedding in the family.

Personally, I don't get all the flap over being in weddings. I've been in one wedding in my entire life, and looking back, I really wish I had said I wouldn't do it. It was my roommate at the time that was getting married, so I drove her around to look at dresses (got a speeding ticket), spent hours upon hours helping her choose the wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses, helped choose flowers, helped throw lingerie and bridal showers, spent lots of money on shower gifts, had to drive to another state to be in the wedding, etc, etc, etc. And the girl separated from her husband within 6 months and was divorced within a year! I was PISSED. It was such a bad experience that I have been trying to figure out a way to nicely turn down being in my brother's wedding, whenever that happens. His girlfriend's been planning it even though he hasn't asked her yet, and I am pretty sure she thinks I'll want to be in it. I'll help plan, I'll help shop, just don't make me walk down the aisle again!

On one hand, I agree that this is a hurtful situation for your younger grandaughter. On the other, I think that the person planning the wedding should call the shots on who she wants in it. So I don't know what to tell you, Carlene. I think that one of your grandaughters is going to be hurt any way you solve it. Either one is hurt because she will be left out, or the other is hurt because she is being forced to sit out because of her sister.

Maybe you could make sure that Emily knows that her sister was only chosen because of her height, and that she'll probably get a chance to be in the next wedding in the family.

Personally, I don't get all the flap over being in weddings. I've been in one wedding in my entire life, and looking back, I really wish I had said I wouldn't do it. It was my roommate at the time that was getting married, so I drove her around to look at dresses (got a speeding ticket), spent hours upon hours helping her choose the wedding dress and bridesmaids dresses, helped choose flowers, helped throw lingerie and bridal showers, spent lots of money on shower gifts, had to drive to another state to be in the wedding, etc, etc, etc. And the girl separated from her husband within 6 months and was divorced within a year! I was PISSED. It was such a bad experience that I have been trying to figure out a way to nicely turn down being in my brother's wedding, whenever that happens. His girlfriend's been planning it even though he hasn't asked her yet, and I am pretty sure she thinks I'll want to be in it. I'll help plan, I'll help shop, just don't make me walk down the aisle again!

Weddings are a waste of time and money.

The money that would be spent on the wedding should be used to buy a house for the newly-wed couple (or at least a down payment).

Weddings are a waste of time and money.

Spoken like a true hetrosexual male!!!!!!!

Spoken like a true hetrosexual male!!!!!!!

Should I be insulted?

Carlene:

I am going to tell you a story which I see as analogous, but I would assume other members (and maybe you) will not.

A women in my family called her cousin up and said that she was getting married and he was invited (of course), but he could not bring either his Black wife, nor their bi-racial child (though other family members' children of the same age were invited).

I guess the "I am the Bride, it's My Day" motto has to know some limits. The white man, his Black wife and their child went to the movies instead of the wedding.

I wonder how often that happens and I also wonder how often it happens to Gay couples, when the family member of a Gay couple is invited but not the partner of the family member.