My granddaughter lives with me (age 14). She has a younger sister (age 11) who lives with their mother (my daughter). The girls have a paternal aunt who is getting married (finally....the groom had to finalize his divorce first, and they had two children during their "courtship", but never mind that). Auntie called me a couple of months ago and asked if Cheyenne could be one of her bridesmaids. Auntie asked me not to mention it to Emily (the other granddaughter) because "I haven't figured out a part for Emily in the wedding yet". I (foolish me) took that to mean there WOULD be a role for Emily in her aunt's wedding.

Spring Break is coming up. Auntie wants to take Cheyenne (the bridesmaid granddaughter) to San Antonio for the week and have the bridesmaid's dress fitted. Okay....but I mentioned this to my daughter, only to learn that nothing has been said about Emily....no dress fitting, no asking permission for her to be in the wedding....nothing.

So last night I told Cheyenne to find out from Auntie what Emily's part will be in the wedding. Auntie says she still "doesn't know". So I said to Cheyenne, "I'm concerned that your aunt may leave Emily out of her wedding entirely and if that's the case, you aren't going to be in it, either. You're sisters, close in age, and that's just not right. Emily is going to think Auntie likes you better than her."

It was as if I had dropped the bomb to set off WWIII. Auntie called me, screaming that I was "butting into her business"...."trying to ruin her wedding"....and informed me that "this isn't going to happen".

Her reason for not including Emily, she said, was that she couldn't afford another dress. "I'll pay for the dress," I said. Then she said she couldn't include her in the bridal party because there was no male counterpart for her on the groom's side. I reminded her that at her brother's wedding, when she was 8 years old, we included a young boy we would not have otherwise, for the exact same reason - so she would not be left out. And I paid for her dress. She told me, in response, that this was her wedding, "not your daughter's".

Cheyenne is furious with me, and with her mother (for not bucking my decision). I, however, think this is just a really inconsiderate act on Auntie's part. Turns out she invited Cheyenne to participate because the groom has a 10 year old brother who will be a groomsman and they needed someone close to his height on the bride's side, so the wedding party looks symmetrical. Cheyenne is 4' 10" and Emily is about two inches shorter.

So....what do you guys think? I believe family is more important that symmetry. Am I being unreasonable?

I had a very small wedding, but it was very nice. My oldest niece, 10 at the time wanted to be in the wedding, I didn't have anyone in the wedding, no brides maids, no groomsmen nothing. My mom walked me and gave me away (last minute decision). I told my sister that there would be no attendants and my niece threatened to ruin the wedding (she has a horrible temper) so I asked that she not attend. There were going to be other kids there, and her sisters were still welcome to attend as they had not threatened to act out and ruin our wedding. Well my sister said that would be fine, she could stay with her grandmother. The afternoon of my wedding my sister called several family members and tried to get them to cancel last minute, several did, some didn't. I ended up paying for 25 people to attend a reception that never came, never sent money to cover their plates, and never apologized for not showing up. They went to the movies instead of attending my wedding. I was hurt and pissed. My sister and I didn't talk for almost a year. When she found out I was pregnant she called and wanted to work things out. My niece was rewarded for her actions.

While I don't think it is fair to leave out one child and ask another, it is her wedding and she may have other reasons besides height? I don't know your dgd or the aunt. Is it possible to explain to Emily that her sister was asked because she is taller, older or whatever and then do something special with her to make up for it? Maybe a day at the salon for a makeover? A day shopping, spend the money that you would have spent on the dress buying several outfits for spring? Just don't let the bad feeling build and explode on the day of the wedding. Try talking it out with both dgd there, see what they want to work out. By the way, I would say no to a week long trip for a fitting, especially if that means missing school. ~Mandy

Hey there.

Can Emily be an Honorary Guest? She gets to sit in the front, wear a flower. What would that hurt? You can have as many honarary guests you want in a wedding. That would make Emily feel extra special!

Now, I have three daughters. Two close in age at 9 & 7. I too, have experienced the younger child not getting to do certain things. There was a playdate for my older daughter and I dropped her off and my younger one was in tears asking why she couldn't go. I felt bad. However, it is our job to teach our children COPING skills for the real world. It will not always be fair. They have to be taught that they won't always get to do the same things at the same time. What about when one gets a drivers license first, etc...you can't accomodate every difference. I understand in this case there is more of an emotional element.

See her through the disappointment. Let her know, REAFFIRM, she is very much LOVED by auntie (if possible, tell Auntie how upset Emily is and ask if she can talk to her to reaffirm how important she is, it would be better coming from her) and it is absolutely not because she is not pretty enough, etc. If the Auntie couldn't even make her an honorary guest, then she is probably asserting her authority over the situation to make a point.

If it were me I would have to say I would not let one lose the opportunity because the other one is upset about it. That is LIFE! That is REALITY! This is where you learn COPING skills! Is it unfair? Yes, to a degree. Is it hard to watch? Absolutely. The reality is, life is not fair. You can take this opportunity to encourage Emily to learn to cope with disappointment and then make it a happy event. Tell Emily while her sister is gone, you will do something special with her (something you know she would love). So she has something to be excited about that week. Maybe a slumber party, or take her and a friend to the movies. Get her nails done. I know it hurts to watch the little one's feeling hurt, but don't make the other child lose out on something she wants to do because that is just as wrong.

I don't know if I am making any sense. I hope I was clear about my point.

Somone else asked about Emily being an attendant. When I was 10 or so I was an attendant at my uncles wedding. My job was to make sure everyone signed the guest book. I greete people at the reception and had them sign the book. It was easy, fun and made me feel special. I was able to dress in the wedding colors (not as fancy as the wedding party) I wore a dress that I was able to wear to church after the wedding. I was in the pictures, and the bride and groom gave me a small gift. That might be a simple resolution to this problem. ~Mandy

No, she only gets the last word on who's invited to participate. Even Cheyenne's mother does not get the "last word" regarding her activities, although I respect her opinion and am always willing to listen to her input.

I kind of assumed that you'd let Cheyenne make her own decision about whether to participate, since she's 14.

Please don't misunderstand: I wholeheartedly agree that Auntie's actions are potentially hurtful and even unkind, and if I were in your shoes I'd probably encourage Cheyenne to turn down the invitation.

But I still wouldn't think Auntie has done anything "wrong" -- she makes her decisions, and we can choose to go along or not. I just think it's inappropriate to ask her to change her decisions based on what anyone else thinks is "right."

I dunno...I have four daughters. The older two are 2.5 years apart and the younger two are 1.5 years apart. My girls wouldn't want to be in a wedding if it was going to hurt the other sister to be left out.

I see both side of the dilemma...gotta teach our kids that life isn't always fair. But I look at it like this...if Emily is left out and Cheyenne is kept in, that may stick with Emily and could damage her sense of self worth, hence lasting affects. If Cheyenne is not in the wedding to help spare her sister, she may get mad, but her sense of self worth is not damaged because the reason for her not being in the wedding would be to spare her sister pain. She'd most likely get over it a lot faster.

I know it's the Brides day...yadda yadda yadda...but WAY too many brides put WAY too much infasis on the one day they get to be the star.

And I know I'll probably get flack for this, but many people see a BIG huge ordeal of a wedding, for people that have been living together, as kind of a moot point. I personally don't understand it. I guess I could understand having a big party to Celebrate finally tying the knot, but can't understand the expensive gowns, flowers, etc when you've already spent years under the same roof. JMHO

You guys are so sweet....and honest....and helpful.

One thing I forgot to mention...between them the bride and groom have 7 nieces/nephews. The only ones not invited to be in the wedding party (groomsmen, flower girls, ring bearer, etc) are Emily and her 6 year-old brother. He, however, doesn't care, so I did not make an issue of it.

Should I be insulted?

Heck, no!

It's not as if I called you a faggot. :faint:

I have to agree with Tired Old Man, weddings are way over the top, they are expensive and people go way to far. I had a wedding for 70 people for less than $2500 dress new suit for DH, reception and all. It was a good time, simple, and fun. ~Mandy

Sounds to me like it is time for a get together with all parties involved. If Auntie wants it her way, let her talk to the girls, etc. Let her inform Cheyenne that the only reason she was picked was height, not looks.

If you feel strongly about it, then stick to your guns, and let them hammer it out with Auntie, do not let her make you the bad guy.

I also agree with Mandy---a week away for a fitting? No way! My decision would have hinged on that from the beginning. Who is footing the bill for that? Where will they be staying? Who will be with your young DGD 24/7? Do you know the others going for the fittings? I may be alarmist, but you know nothing about the groom to be's family that might be there.

The fairness of the situation, I can see both sides to and could be swayed either way. The safety of the child is not something I would give an inch on.

Good Luck Carlene---I am afraid you may need it!

Kat

The way I see it, the "bride" is not willing to compromise. You and her Dad both agreed to pay for a dress and both agreed that she did not have to be part of the wedding party but could have a special role in a special dress. THAT is not unreasonable. Since you are not demanding that the younger grandaughter be in the actual wedding party, the "bride" needs to be reasonable and come to some sort of "let's meet in the middle" resolution. As for your older grandaughter, she needs to imagine how she would feel if she were the only one left out.

Im a chick that agrees with TOM, I think weddings are over the top.

I did have a small church wedding and a small reception.

I did spend more on my 7 day cruise to Alaska than on my entire wedding. (tickets and $500 spending cash)

I waiver from the "oh the horror the younger one feels" to the "she's got to learn sometime" side of the fence.

You mentioned that the younger lived with the Auntie for a while. Did the older one? If the older one didnt, is the Auntie's way of making up for that?

I think the aunt is being very selfish and nasty by not letting Emily participate in some way in the wedding party, especially since you have offered to offset the financial burden by paying for the dress. What kind of person would knowingly hurt a little 11 year old's feelings? That is really rotten.

That being said, I tend to agree with the other people who said "teaching that life isn't fair". As hurtful as it is, I think there's something positive in breaking it to kids gently, and early on, that sometimes, they are not going to be included in everything all the time. I agree with those who suggested that you could "make it up" to Emily by taking her out for a special day, perhaps to a salon to get her hair done and out to a fancy lunch. Explain that the decision was not based on the aunt liking Cheyenne better in any way, but that Cheyenne is older and therefore taller so she matches up with the boy, etc. And say "you'll be able to be in a wedding when you're a little older, and I'm sorry it didn't work out, but how about we have a special day together to make it up to you?"

Cheyenne shouldn't be punished because of the aunt's rudeness, so this solution will make both kids feel special.

In the meantime, does the aunt's future husband know he's marrying a B****? LOL!

If you made the decision of "no", how would you tell the older sister that she was "not allowed" to be in the wedding?

My wedding was me, hubby, my parents, our JoP, and our photographer on the edge of a cliff in Red Rock canyon. Planned 4 days before the actual event. Now THAT'S how you do a wedding!

Tina and I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary on 7-7-07. We were married in my in-laws' finished basement by my (minister) father-in-law, had 20 guests and we spent less than $500 between clothes, food, and drinks.

My son and his bride had a wedding that cost over $50,000 and the marriage lasted less than 3 years before the divorce was final. I spent more money on my son's wedding rehearsal dinner than on my wedding.

In some things, you get what you pay for. But not always.

Oh, and doesn't the Preample to the US Constitution say that "All Grand-daughters are created Equal"?