My granddaughter lives with me (age 14). She has a younger sister (age 11) who lives with their mother (my daughter). The girls have a paternal aunt who is getting married (finally....the groom had to finalize his divorce first, and they had two children during their "courtship", but never mind that). Auntie called me a couple of months ago and asked if Cheyenne could be one of her bridesmaids. Auntie asked me not to mention it to Emily (the other granddaughter) because "I haven't figured out a part for Emily in the wedding yet". I (foolish me) took that to mean there WOULD be a role for Emily in her aunt's wedding.

Spring Break is coming up. Auntie wants to take Cheyenne (the bridesmaid granddaughter) to San Antonio for the week and have the bridesmaid's dress fitted. Okay....but I mentioned this to my daughter, only to learn that nothing has been said about Emily....no dress fitting, no asking permission for her to be in the wedding....nothing.

So last night I told Cheyenne to find out from Auntie what Emily's part will be in the wedding. Auntie says she still "doesn't know". So I said to Cheyenne, "I'm concerned that your aunt may leave Emily out of her wedding entirely and if that's the case, you aren't going to be in it, either. You're sisters, close in age, and that's just not right. Emily is going to think Auntie likes you better than her."

It was as if I had dropped the bomb to set off WWIII. Auntie called me, screaming that I was "butting into her business"...."trying to ruin her wedding"....and informed me that "this isn't going to happen".

Her reason for not including Emily, she said, was that she couldn't afford another dress. "I'll pay for the dress," I said. Then she said she couldn't include her in the bridal party because there was no male counterpart for her on the groom's side. I reminded her that at her brother's wedding, when she was 8 years old, we included a young boy we would not have otherwise, for the exact same reason - so she would not be left out. And I paid for her dress. She told me, in response, that this was her wedding, "not your daughter's".

Cheyenne is furious with me, and with her mother (for not bucking my decision). I, however, think this is just a really inconsiderate act on Auntie's part. Turns out she invited Cheyenne to participate because the groom has a 10 year old brother who will be a groomsman and they needed someone close to his height on the bride's side, so the wedding party looks symmetrical. Cheyenne is 4' 10" and Emily is about two inches shorter.

So....what do you guys think? I believe family is more important that symmetry. Am I being unreasonable?

Too true TOM!!

My first marriage, we did the big church wedding---I say big, but it was still done on a small tight budget, my family could not afford more! As I walked back down the aisle following the ceremony there sat this little old man in coveralls, and a bright orange hard hat, with his lunch box, a HUGE smile, and the most beautiful blue eyes---I had no idea who he was. As soon as she hit the reception my new MIL was apologizing, saying she had no idea how "he" knew. "He" ended up being my FIL's mentally challenged brother, one of the gentlest (sp?), sweetest people I have ever met. I knew then and there that either these people had a problem, or they thought I had one!

pssssst---it ended up being THEM!!!! I would have kept the uncle!

The marriage was more of the same---hide what wasn't good enough!

My husband now, we did a quickie with a judge, and went on vacation with kids in tow!!! No hidden relatives---lots of loving ones--

The wedding is causing family problems---and that should not be happening, it should be cause for happiness! Try to sit down with the Auntie, and the girls, and your DD, and see what can be done to keep peace. I do not mean to step on any toes here---but with the kids living with the Auntie at one time, and you having custody of one and not the others....I hate to see THIS of all that must have gone on in their lives to be the cause for uproar!

Kat

As a planning bride, I say Auntie is being unreasonable. It's 'her' day, blah blah blah, but at this point it doesn't cost her anything to give Emily a role in the day, even if it's not in the bridal party.

I wanted one of my future nieces to be my flower girl. As soon as I realized that another one of my future nieces was only 6 months younger, I didn't have to give it any thought to say "we're having 2 flower girls". It's a small wedding, and the family of the 2nd girl may not be able to come, but if they do, she's in it.

I think that things like this really reflect how people really feel about things in life... they may compromise on a normal day, but once they are given the impression that it's "all about them", their "real" thoughts come out. I, on the other hand, am having a HARD TIME making some 'selfish' decisions...

I kind of assumed that you'd let Cheyenne make her own decision about whether to participate, since she's 14.

And I still may. I was just saying that my hands are not tied here....I do have the "last word".

I also agree with Mandy---a week away for a fitting? No way! My decision would have hinged on that from the beginning. Who is footing the bill for that?

It's Spring Break. I wouldn't let her miss an hour of school for a dress fitting, let alone a week.

As for getting to/from San Antonio, we have flight priviledges. The aunt lives in SA and Cheyenne would stay at her house. I'm not concerned about her safety. Of the groom's family, only his mom lives in SA and Cheyenne would not encounter any of his other relatives.

It's Spring Break. I wouldn't let her miss an hour of school for a dress fitting, let alone a week.

As for getting to/from San Antonio, we have flight priviledges. The aunt lives in SA and Cheyenne would stay at her house. I'm not concerned about her safety. Of the groom's family, only his mom lives in SA and Cheyenne would not encounter any of his other relatives.

A weeks vacation and being in the wedding is really going to hurt Emily's feelings I think. It seems that the auntie is being really unfair here. ~Mandy

Ok, I'm with a few others on this thread wavering on the fence.

Part of me says "the bride is doing this just to raise a kerfuffle...which she seems to be enjoying...." A bit of passive aggressive b.s. I'm sure there is something behind it (family feuds and all that rot).

Part of me says "whoever said life was fair" and why do we all try so hard to shield kids from the ways of the world? So maybe we protect Emily today, but then one day another kid gets picked to be a cheerleader or one day a coworker gets the promotion over her.

Maybe Emily should be taught to know that if she's not picked, it's not that she's not pretty, or likable, or wonderful to have around. Maybe we help Emily to have strong self confidence to sustain life's injustices and realize that Aunty's problems are Aunty's problems and she doesn't have to take that out on herself.

I think that's what hurts kids the most...internalizing bad behavior by others and impacting self esteem.

That being said...I think Aunty is being a total tool and for the sake of family harmony should stop being a turd, buy a dress and let the poor poppet be in the ceremony!!!! And Emily is learning she has one tough take no sh*t off of anyone Grandmother..the very model of a strong woman. Now THAT is a lesson I can support!!!!

Carlene, I agree with you wanting to have both girls treated fairly, even if neither is in the wedding party. I think people lose site of the fact that a wedding is supposed to be a commitment to a family way of life, and it looks as though there are a lot of broken relationships in the family to begin with. (not a comdemnation, just what I read) .

I dont believe in coddling up to the bridezilla idea, sure its her choice with whome to invite but, you are correct in protecting family relationships between the two younger sisters. You may not be the popular one in the imediate future, but in the years to come, the sisters will see the wisdom in treating them fair and square. If my sister sacrificed something like that for me, I would, and do,(by the way) love her all the more for it. It says that there is no circumstance more important than a sisters love for each other. I hope you have peace about your decision whatever that becomes.

Auntie sounds an insensitive shallow individual. Maybe you can explain this to the child.

How did weddings turn into this? How did they turn from the joyous uniting of two families to princess for a day where every minute detail is of the utmost importance? I watched a wedding show on television once and could not believe the anxiety the bride was getting into over the littlest things that very few people were likely to notice, nor could I believe the huge expense of it all.

As I get older I've come to appreciate the ceremonies that mark life's events much more than I did when I was younger. It makes me wish I had a wedding with family involved (instead of getting married in another country). I have several friends and relatives who specifically requested no funeral or memorial service when they died, and I missed the closure and the camaraderie that those ceremonies bring.

The loveliest weddings I've been to have been the ones that are a little raggedy around the edges, with a little bit of room for unexpected joys. They have also been the ones where the families and friends have come together to help put on the event, rather than it being the total responsibility of the bride and her family or the bride and groom to entertain everybody.

I think it has come about because many people are trying to act like the celebrities of stage, screen, politics and majesty that we worship, rather than the simple folk that they are. Putting on the dog?

There is an old saying, "If it wasn't for weddings and funerals, I would never see (many of) my family (members)". Wedding and Funerals have both gone over the edge of sanity. Just about the time, you recover from paying for the wedding, the funeral comes around and puts you in the hole, both literally and financially. In both cases, it is the same problem, smooth talkers hooking the gullible into buying more frills than people of the economic bracket should be expected to buy.

"It is the one day or the only time..." or "You want to do it right, don't you? are two lines that hook people.

Mortgaging the future for one day is a joke, a joke played my the smooth talkers who rake it the bucks while the consumer smiles the smile of temporary insanity.

It's kind of ironic, I find, that the bride makes so much fuss because every wedding I have been to is very much like every other wedding and I find them all rather boring, pretentious events. They all blur into each other and are really only special to the bride and the groom and perhaps the parents. The only wedding I did enjoy was my brother's first wedding. This took place outdoors on his in-laws' farm and was very laid back. A city grrl could eat, drink and look at other animals, too.

The cheesiest stunt was when my husband's greedy brother came back from being married in Europe, threw a pool party at his house, and asked everyone to bring their own chair, something to drink and a cheque in lieu of a present.:Banane43: The invitations to this were printed off his computer on regular weight paper. I didn't bother showing up although I should have, now that I think of it, leaving my cheque book at home.:heh:

If this aunt persists in her mean-spirited ways, Carlene, you and your excluded grandchild could boycott the wedding altogether and treat yourselves to a splendid week long trip, perhaps to Disney World or Mexico.

Green for President!!:clap2:

How is this going Carlene? Just curious, I would like to add that since the pictures seem to be more important to the bride, could your grandaughter be a Jr Photographer, vidio person? She could go around and ask the attendees to give a blessing on camera to the bride and groom, and perhaps be in charge of taking pictures of the under 20 crowd. Why should she be left out, I see no excuses here.

How is this going Carlene? Just curious, I would like to add that since the pictures seem to be more important to the bride, could your grandaughter be a Jr Photographer, vidio person? She could go around and ask the attendees to give a blessing on camera to the bride and groom, and perhaps be in charge of taking pictures of the under 20 crowd. Why should she be left out, I see no excuses here.

Last I heard was from my daughter. She tried to have a conversation with Auntie, who hung up on her, and then Auntie must have called my son-in-law (Cheyenne and Emily's dad), because he called my daughter and offered to pay for Emily's dress IF his sister would let her be in the wedding, provided Cheyenne could be in it, too.

Cheyenne has decided she does not want to go to San Antonio for Spring Break. She wants to hang out with her friends. She has been in phone and e-mail contact with Auntie, but I have not had any further discussion with anyone about it for the last few days.

Fortunately, the wedding is months, and months away.

Edited to add....I would not dream of suggesting anything to this woman regarding her wedding. She does not want my suggestions and I'm sure would not be interested in hearing them.

This thread caught my interest so I read it and it made me think of the many times my sister and I were in weddings together. But it also made me think of the times my mother insisted that I be included in anything my sister did when we were young. Pat was 13 months older than me.

If Pat was invited to spend the night with a friend, she got to go only if she took me along. If she was invited to a party or a friend's family outing, same deal. It was sheer torture! Mom was determined that I would not be left out because I didn't have all the friends that Pat had. Pat was a beautiful girl. I was plain and not pretty. Mom over compensated and it made me feel like a freak.

I can't help but think about Emily in this terrible scene. The Aunt is a butt-head for putting herself first over a couple of young girls in the family even if it is her wedding. And for this to have turned into a family brou-ha-ha with Emily at the center of it all is unforgivable. Can you just imagine how she must feel? The bottom line is the aunt didn't want her to participate in the wedding and that hurt happened in the beginning. But the hurt is continuing because of all the fuss. I'm sure the older sister is embarrassed and probably a little indifferent at this point. She didn't want to cause anyone any grief, but she can't help but feel that her sister has been hurt and she's part of the reason Emily has been hurt.

Being in a wedding at that age is pretty cool. Pat and I were almost the same height and we were candlelighters for 6 weddings when we were 11 and 12. We felt important and we got to wear pretty dresses and we were a part of something that was important. We were trusted to do something that helped make the wedding pretty and we got to see ourselves lined up with the wedding party in all the pictures.

Poor Emily. She's been made to feel like she's less important than her sister on the one hand, but on the other hand she's made to feel that even tho her aunt didn't want her, someone thinks it is important for her to be included. She probably would have liked to be included, but not like this.

The whole thing is typical of family politics at its worst. I'm glad I'm not 10 years old and having to learn some of life's hard lessons in such a painful way.