Feeling Like A Failure

kmwwmk · January 19, 2007

Hi everyone, new and old. It has been such a long time since I've posted or even visited. I joined last summer and this site helped me come to the decision i made to have lap band surgery on August 1st, 2006. Well here I almost 7 months later and I feel like a total and complete FAILURE. I am using the word "feel" because I don't want to be too negative and say I AM a failure) I weigh exactly what I did before my pre-op day liquid fast. Initially I lsost 10 pounds but only because of the dietary restrictions pre-and post surgery. After recovering, i badsically had no restriction and simply resumed eating, basically, the s ame way i was befor the band. I had no difficulty. It was as though I never had surgery. I was very dissapointed and a little depressed but then, through this site and speaking with my surgeon, i learned that it is normal for people to have little to no restriction until first fill. OK, I relaxed - this is normal. It doesn't mean the procedure didn't work for me. BUT, at the same time, i wasn't changing my habits. I wasn't measuring food or avoiding the no-no's and gradually I really was back to my old diet. Every now and then I would weigh myself and i'd actually feel happy that I hadn't gone over my pre-op weight. I kept fluctuating btwn the 10 pound initial loss and my pre-op weight. I had to AT LEAST do that dor my own sanity, nevermind health.

I'm sorry, this is becoming a lot longer than I had intended. I guess after so many months and not sharing with anypne who might understand, I have a lot to say...I'll try and wrap it up. At various points, throughout all this I have done the following: gone back to consult with the nutritionist, researched a nutritionist who specializes in weight loss surgery patient that I could see regularly to really guide and support me (but never even called one) and most recently I started the zonechefs@home program. I'm sure many of you have heard of the ZOne Diet (many celebs use it). Anyway I have done Nutrisystem in the past-psat and know that the foods have a lot of junk in them which is why u don't need to refridgerate or freeze them. meanwhile the Zone is freshly prepared foods brought prepared by 4-star chefs and delivered to your door daily. So I thought this would be much healthier. And Iwould weight the food which did turn out to be half of each meal etc. but - that was about two months ago (30 days worth of dfood but I had them deliver 4 days a week instead of 7 since I'de be eating only half.

Conclusion: I barely got started before I stopped. I knew it couldnt' hurt to come hear for support.

BUT PLEASE, I DO NOT WAN'T NEGATIVE, SMART ASS

"what the f---?!?" TYPES OF COMMENTS. I find them truly unhelpful; they only make me feel worse. I knew before I did this that I would have to change my lifestyle etc, etc and the procedure is not a magic bullet, blah,blah, blah....I'm a pretty smart person but intelligence has little to do with it.

Thank you and I hope all or at least most of you are doing better than me, truly.

kmwwmk · January 19, 2007

Oh, I forgot something kind of important. After my surgeon's madatory 6 weeks post-op I did get a fairly conservative fill (dont remember how much) and the result was I couldnt eat ANY solids with out excruciating pain in my chest (NO NOT heartburn,...much much worse. and it was right after I swollowed.

so a few das later I went in for a partial unfil.l and then, liek I said before, I went right back to my old ways...and with little to no problem......eat any amount, eat any kind of food. Occasionally the first meal something will get stuck and I have sliming etc. but never an y PB's .

SInce this unfill, I havent seen my surgeon. its been months now!!

anonemouse · January 19, 2007

I couldnt eat ANY solids with out excruciating pain in my chest (NO NOT heartburn,...much much worse. and it was right after I swollowed.

It was probably getting stuck. You may have been eating too quickly or eating bites that were too large or not chewing well enough.

kmwwmk · January 19, 2007

thanks. yeah, I know it was stuck. that's what I said int he post.

but thanks :-)

kmwwmk · January 19, 2007

Sorry Laurend. im a bit crabby right now. should probably be sleeping. But no. the problem with the major chest pain was not stuck etc. i was too tight and it more complicated than just stuck

NOW, I sometimes get stuck and its a much different sensation.

thanks again :-)

edieparks · January 19, 2007

I wish I could come to your house to motivate you. I feel helpless sitting here. If you can eat like you used to ..... the band is not doing its jo.....

You don't want to hear this.

I feel like you need very PERSONAL motivation. Keep trying the nutritionist route.

Please post again , I care.

edie:cry

Fauxnaif · January 19, 2007

I've had so many starts and stops in my journey, I understand how you feel. I've lost, stopped, lost, gained, gained, lost, etc....

The best thing about the band is you can always start over. You can always decide to change your eating habits. You can always get a fill if you need one. You can always start exercising. There is no window of opportunity.

Here I am, living proof, 4 1/2 years later, about 15 pounds from my second goal (1st goal was larger than I thought) and hope to be at goal before my 5 year anniversary!

It seems like you weren't ready to comply with the band. Do whatever you need to do (read books, join OA, get therapy, whatever) to get to a mental state where you can be compliant or you won't be able to get it together.

Alexandra · January 19, 2007

Kmwwmk, it sounds like you had a bad experience with restriction and just got scared off! Learning to live with and work with a good restriction level is a slow process, and it can indeed be hard at times. You had a fill, couldn't change your behavior enough (didn't eat slowly enough, didn't chew enough, didn't stop eating soon enough), had an unfill and now have no restriction. It's not surprising you're back to square one!

The good news is that the band is still there and you can start again to make it work for you. Get another fill, tell your doctor to take it EASY, and then start trying to learn how to live with it. Come here as much as you can when you have issues. It can be hard but sometimes it takes really aggressive behavior modification for us to learn when enough is ENOUGH: Taking that first bite, chewing until it disappears, putting the fork down, waiting a minute, taking another bite, chewing until it disappears, doing it again and again, then taking a deep breath and realizing you are actually not hungry anymore, and then stopping at that point, getting up and walking away from the table...these are all hard things to do but that's the way the band helps you lose weight.

Go back to your surgeon! He is your partner in this endeavor, not an enemy and not a judge. He wants to help you make the most of it and if there are live support groups available take advantage of them. Come here and let us know how you're doing.

It's not over until ... well, you know. :biggrin1:

lisah25 · January 19, 2007

Go back to your surgeon! He is your partner in this endeavor, not an enemy and not a judge. He wants to help you make the most of it and if there are live support groups available take advantage of them. Come here and let us know how you're doing.

It's not over until ... well, you know. :biggrin1:

I totally second this!

Josette · January 19, 2007

I think you just need to go get another fill.. just a small one. You'll get food stuck but that teaches you what to eat and what not too eat. When I first got my current fill I was getting EVERYTHING stuck and PBing 4 times a day and I got very frustrated. After 2 weeks of that I realized that it wasn't the fill.. it was ME and I was failing to pay attention to what I should and shouldn't be eating and how fast I ate it and the size bites I was taking. Now I'm very aware of how much and what I put in my mouth. I've lost 15 pounds in the 2 months I've had the fill. I rarely PB anymore.

Good luck and keep us informed. I had my band on August 3rd 2006! Keep the faith band sister!!!

threebeauties · January 19, 2007

I am so sorry that you feel the way you do. The good news is you can start over. You have the band and its waiting there for you to use it. Fills are very tricky, too little, too much, its enough to drive you crazy.

Make a fresh start, start over! Best of luck!!!

juliegeraci · January 20, 2007

This type of post makes me angry. I feel like you haven't gotten the level of support you need from your surgeon. You should be at optimal food restriction now. I'm down 40 lbs since June. I would really rethink this whole band thing if I were you. I would go in for a good fill. You shouldn't be able to eat that much food. If you get a fill and you can still eat normal go back for another and then another until you can no longer eat more than 1000k a day. You can do this. I just think you need a jump start from your surgeon. My 2 cents.

kmwwmk · January 20, 2007

I just wanted to thank everyone who has responded above and privately Each and everyone of you supported me and showed you truly care. I felt better, more hopeful etc. immediately after reading the posts.

Thank you all again, so much. I will keep you in the loop becasue I will be making changes and I WILL succeed!!

XOXO

Karla