Wife is Upset

[JDoe10108 6]

I am pre-op and just completed all of my testing. I am currently waiting for insurance approval. Since I began this process, my wife has been very supportive. She told me she stood behind me 100%. I gave her a list of all my Dr. visits and told her she was welcome to join. But I also said she didn't have to as I didn't want to bog her down with Dr. appts. I kept her informed as things progressed letting her know how the Dr. visits went. Things were fine until this week when I completed all my testing and received all my clearances.

Now she is very upset. She said she feels very out of the loop on what is going on and that I have been secretive about the process. Of course I feel the total opposite as I continually discussed this with her. She also said how upset I was that I did not consider the impact on her. Of course my first thought was I have to change, you don't. She said that she read divorce rates are 65% for bypass patients. She also told me she was jealous that I could get surgery and she can't. This went on and on and she was very angry with me.

My jaw totally hit the floor. The whole time she said nothing, and now all of a sudden my decision on surgery was a huge issue.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any suggestions on how to handle?

I've gone from being very excited about this surgery, to very melancholy.

[No game 14,437]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like she might be a bit scared about the future? I would wait until she calms down then invite her to sit down an talk about it including any questions she might have about the surgery..

As far as the divorce rate? I say please, I mean I think it might be due to people with low self esteem staying in marriages that are not good. Then when they lose the weight they leave. In other words those relationships had troubles before!

My husband was my best friend and partner before the surgery and he is my best friend and partner still. Nothing especially weight loss or gain will change that.

Is there a way you guys can have the surgery close to each others dates? Why does she feel she can't have it?

[shannon crotts 23]

Yikes! This was what I was afraid would happen with my hubby....but it didn't. I have not went through what you are going through, so I have no advise there but i encourage you to do what is best for you're health. Obviously this will be hard without her support but it's your body. Give her some time and then open up the floor for conversation and let her ask any questions she has about it.

[Cocopuff88 61]

Sounds like no matter if you would have included her or not she would still have feelings of fear and jealousy. Maybe she didn't bring them up right away because she didn't want to burst your bubble. My husband has said the same thing about the divorce rate. Even my mother brought it up and suggested we go to a psychiatrist together. Even if you can't do that, I always say honesty first even if it hurts a little. In the long run it will be better for everyone. I also told my husband I would do whatever I could to save money for his surgery, as his insurance does not cover it, and I mean it. Just basically trying to show support during something that really will impact him too. Good luck with everything! You're so close, don't lose sight now!

[Takingcontrol 467]

My hubby & I have gotten much closer since the surgery! He likes our new eating habits & is loosing weight too! You said she's upset cause she can't have surgery...is she heavy too? If so, why can't she?? Maybe that's the issue, I know if my hubby got it & I couldn't...I would be ticked!

[No game 14,437]

You know I bet she buried her head in the sand..

I'm doing more thinking about you saying that she was jealous that you can do it and not her..

So I'm going to assume she is obese too?

It may just be hitting her as reality now, she may have thought somewhere along the line that it wouldn't pan out, and now that she is faced with the reality of you actually getting approved she is having to look at how she feels about her weight too. I'm not saying that she is right in the way she's treating you, because she is not! But I think she doesn't want to be left behind in the weight loss?

[Kelsan 117]

Your wife is not really mad at you, she's scared! The quote about the divorce rate says a lot right there. Do whatever you can to reassure her about your love/devotion, and about the surgery. Get her involved in dieting and excersing too. Tell her you need her help. This happens with a lot of spouses. Buy her some flowers and let her know how important she is and that will never change.

[ramirelek 59]

I have a similar situation I was always involving and telling my husband about the surgery and my apointments , but he never paid attention to anything. Until two weeks before surgery when I told him my surgery is in two weeks. He got mad and told me that I have being hidding things and that I did not share with him wich was not true. He even told me so now that you get skinny your are going to leave me right. I told him no I am doing this for me, but at the same time I am doing it because I want to meet my grandchildrens I want to be there for my kids. I told him that this was going to be good for both of us and that I was going to change our life style and eating habits so he will benefit too. I would not leave my family or my husband because I loss some pounds. He then reply I was just kidding and I am only want it to hear you say something like that. From that moment I have his 100% support.

[NewSetOfCurves 1,555]

My husband was not supportive at all initially. He thought I looked fine just the way I was; that if I wanted to look better that I could do it on my own; that it was selfish of me for putting myself at risk when we had kids; that it was too much money (I'm self pay). We fought about this, but I stuck to my guns and I told him that I was going to have it; that if I could have lost it on my own, I would have done it 10 years ago; that it was not selfish of me because it's supposed to help me help myself get healthier and live longer; that despite the fact that he felt I was beautiful the way I was (which makes me love him even more), I didn't feel good--with both my health and size; and that I felt I was worth every penny and that I was disappointed that de didn't. That last part of the heart-to-heart got him.

I think spouses fear the unknown, change from what's become the norm, and insecure about getting left behind. I had our heart-to-heart and explained all the ins and outs, the minimal risks (my surgeon has performed over 1,500 sleeves with only 2 complications, placing him way below the national average--this gave him some comfort), and I made him see what I felt.

Your wife is feeling left out of this new venture, despite you keeping her informed, because in her eyes you are going over to the other side where the grass s greener without her. Talk to her about making life style changes together. Talk about how you can accomplish this as a team.

That's we did. We went back to our old ways nutritionally, stepping away from fast food and "convenient" dinners. We started exercising together, we have the kids exercising (I just bought my 11 year-old-daughter weight training gloves and started teaching her about building muscle). This new venture that I've started with myself is no longer about myself, but about the well being of our family as a whole. We are ALL involved, not just informed.

[Nicolanz 1,484]

The divorce rate is incredibly high with or without surgery. She's scared, bottom line. My husband did the same thing. Totally supportive until 4 weeks before surgery. Too late! I had my deposit paid and plane tickets. Plus I was extremely excited for my new life. When I got home he was incredibly happy to see I made it out alive and totally supportive. Matter of fact, he can't keep his hands off of me! Reassure her you'll love her no matter what. If your relationship is strong now, I don't see it changing .....well, maybe for the better. My husband and I are happier than we've ever been. If your wife needs the surgery too maybe y'all can get that ball rolling as well. Good luck!

[JDoe10108 6]

laura-ven thank you so much for your post. It's good to hear you had a positive experience. I don't even see divorce on the horizon or having anything to do with this...but that's me. She can't have the surgery because her BMI is too low and the insurance will not cover it. I think the thought of me losing weight so quickly does make her feel like she is being left behind.

shannon crotts - thank you. It sounds like you had a good experience too. I haven't really heard of anyone I knew getting the surgery getting divorced afterward.

Cocopuff88 - thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I am very close and the timing of this hit me hard.

Takingcontrol - I think we would become more closer too. I think I will need a lot of help from her on a daily basis as I recover, and also for her to be kind of a coach to keep me on track. As I mentioned, she doesn't have a BMI high enough for surgery.

Kelsa - Thanks. I figured she is scared - after all you generally here more horror stories about surgery than you do the successes. I have been trying to re-assure her this shouldn't have an effect on our relationship.

[JDoe10108 6]

ramirelek - sounds like your situation was very similar. Glad to hear he finally came around. I'm trying to make her understand my only motivators for this surgery is my health, and to be around a long time for her and my daughter. That being the case, it really burst my bubble when I heard her comments.

Curvy - thanks for your post. That's a great perspective. I'll do my best to have her join me in making changes as well. Not only will that be easier for me in the end, but it will help her increase her health as well. I appreciate your response.

Nicolanz - thanks for your response. Great to hear things worked out in the end!

[No game 14,437]

laura-ven thank you so much for your post. It's good to hear you had a positive experience. I don't even see divorce on the horizon or having anything to do with this...but that's me. She can't have the surgery because her BMI is too low and the insurance will not cover it. I think the thought of me losing weight so quickly does make her feel like she is being left behind. .

Jay it sounds like you got a lot if good input here... I hope you and she can get the chance to really sit and talk about all her (and your) fears in regards to you upcoming surgery..

I understand about insurance company's and bmi rules and I think it's not always fair.

Have you asked her if this surgery is something that she really wants too? (I'm assuming that she's over a 35 bmi or so) I wonder if going to Mexico would be something she would consider?

I had my surgery here in the states because my bmi was high enough for insurance. But a lot of people here choose Mexico for cost savings and experienced Drs.

As you can see I keep putting thought into this..

AndI keep thinking about how I would feel if my husband and I were both obese but only he could have it done... I think I would be happy for him but really upset that I didn't have the same options..

Now I'm just thinking out loud and assuming that she really wants this too.

[Nicolanz 1,484]

I'll bet money she'll lose weight and pick up your healthy habits. Maybe plan some physical activities y'all can get into when you're all healed up!

[patiscuba 28]

Just wanted to add this, and it may sound harsh, but the truth is divorce is always a possibility, but a funeral is even more likely when we are so overweight. Doing this for your future is the best possible way to show her you ware doing all you can to be there for her alot longer.