Any caregivers out there?

[bitteroldhag 0]

Thanks for all the loving messages. I'm feeling a lot better. I have my bad days and the day they said mother had cancer of the colon was one of the worst. Then they said it might not be cancer, but we have to remove it anyway to prevent more GI bleeds. I'm okay with that since mother made that decision. If she dies, it's her responsibility, not mine. Luckily she is sane and smart. So many people who take care of Alzheimer's patients have terrible lives. So while I may have a little talk with God, I think they're going to be first in line. I'm going to enjoy Christmas and eat fattening stuff and then clean up my act next year. Maybe I'll lose a little more weight. Or maybe not. But someday I want to look like Carlene.

[kwhenrykerr 0]

Sending you love in your tough times.

[green 6]

All the very best to you, Bitter, and I hope you have a wonderful and peaceful Christmas.

[GeezerSue 7]

I'll be 60 in a couple of weeks and my mom was getting to the point where she needed 24/7 supervision and aid. We moved her to an assisted living facility back in July. She (finally) loves it.

It is NOT a nursing home or a hospice. No sick people. Just the frail and elderly. She has her own apartment, her own cat, company for meals, someone to assist with showers, someone to make the bed and clean the apartment and 24/7 medication management. If she falls or becomes ill, there is a nurse on hand to determine if medical care is needed...or just first aid. Although I WANTED to yell at her yesterday, because she kept counting five things and "getting" six and because she gave one of the food service people a tip (not allowed, but he took it) there is usually a lot less stress.

I have NO idea how people do this at home. I just want to say that there is no shame in getting help. WITH the assisted living, I am still (mostly) her daughter and not (mostly) her caregiver. And we both like it better that way. If nothing else, there may be respite care available to give you some mental health time.

Good luck with Mom and with the weight loss.

[Betsyjane 2]

My parents ran out of money 9 years ago, in their 80s and came to live with us. We supported them financially and in every other way. Dad has dies, but mom is still with us and turns 90 this month. I'm so glad I've had so much time with them. but I'm tired! I'm in my 50s, have Lupus, and have grossly revised retirement plans. Sometimes I just want to run away from home! I have a firend whose parents were in the same situation, and she told them she wouldn't be able to care for them and helped them find an assisted living home, against their wishes. I couldn't do that, but I've sometimes thought she was wise.

[GeezerSue 7]

i know that we have a local church in our neighborhood where a Respite Care Program is hosted. Sometimes, just an afternoon is like a lifetime!

Do you have a local Agency for the Aging or Senior Place that can provide a break for you now and then?

[Carlene 12]

have grossly revised retirement plans. .

Me, too! My mother-in-law came to live with us about 3 years ago. She will be 87 in April. And I have a 14 year old granddaughter living with me, too. I'm either dealing with middle school drama or bowel issues. Help! I'm the filling in a multi-generation sandwich!

[GeezerSue 7]

Me, too! My mother-in-law came to live with us about 3 years ago. She will be 87 in April. And I have a 14 year old granddaughter living with me, too. I'm either dealing with middle school drama or bowel issues. Help! I'm the filling in a multi-generation sandwich!

When I was in HS, we were the first folks in the neighborhood to get a real-live in-ground swimming pool. Our neighbor girl--age 14--used to put on her two piece bathing suit, wrap a towel around herself and walk across the fairly small residential street to go swimming with us. Her grandmother--age 90--used to stand in the living room screaming that the child was a tramp and going outside naked.

Grandma finally got moved "to the home."

[Carlene 12]

When I was in HS, we were the first folks in the neighborhood to get a real-live in-ground swimming pool. Our neighbor girl--age 14--used to put on her two piece bathing suit, wrap a towel around herself and walk across the fairly small residential street to go swimming with us. Her grandmother--age 90--used to stand in the living room screaming that the child was a tramp and going outside naked.

Grandma finally got moved "to the home."

We have similar issues sometimes, partly because Cheyenne isn't my MIL's biological grandchild. My MIL thinks she should be Cinderella. She doesn't complain to me (of course) but my DH gets his ear bent frequently. His mom will drag him down the hall to Cheyenne's room, throw the door open in a grandly dramatic gesture, and say, "Just look at that mess!" My DH just shrugs and tells her to keep the door closed and she won't have to look at it.

My MIL will load the diswasher (she really does try to be helpful), but she leaves Cheyenne's dish or glass or whatever in the sink. It's her little statement. Even though she will stand at the table while my DH finishes his lunch, so she can grab his dishes and wash them....so he doesn't have to get up. After all, retirement is hard and playing golf 4 or 5 days a week takes a lot out of anyone.

[sallyjo 0]

Carlene you are to funny. I am so glad you have such a sense of humor. I can laugh at you but it was'nt funny when I was in the same ole row boat. I took care of my mom for such a long time and then got my grandaughter who is also 14 now for about a year. My sweet son and daughter-in-law stepped in and said Mom let us raise her and as much as I love her it did'nt take me to long to agree. He aslo has two daughters.

I'm gonna come up to Arlington and go to one of your dinner support meetings after the new year. Anyway I got up this morn. and was 15 pounds from goal. Take care and have a wonderful Christmas.

[Carlene 12]

Anyway I got up this morn. and was 15 pounds from goal.

That is AWESOME! The best Christmas present ever! Congrats, Sally Jo.

[bitteroldhag 0]

My parents ran out of money 9 years ago, in their 80s and came to live with us. We supported them financially and in every other way. Dad has dies, but mom is still with us and turns 90 this month. I'm so glad I've had so much time with them. but I'm tired! I'm in my 50s, have Lupus, and have grossly revised retirement plans. Sometimes I just want to run away from home! I have a firend whose parents were in the same situation, and she told them she wouldn't be able to care for them and helped them find an assisted living home, against their wishes. I couldn't do that, but I've sometimes thought she was wise.

BJ -- I relate to this. Mother can't go to an assisted living facility since she can't walk and take care of herself. So the only alternative is a nursing home and she's just too sane to put her there. I often dream of Tahiti even thought I hate the beach. Just anywhere away from here. God bless you for being so good.

[bitteroldhag 0]

I'll be 60 in a couple of weeks and my mom was getting to the point where she needed 24/7 supervision and aid. We moved her to an assisted living facility back in July. She (finally) loves it.

It is NOT a nursing home or a hospice. No sick people. Just the frail and elderly. She has her own apartment, her own cat, company for meals, someone to assist with showers, someone to make the bed and clean the apartment and 24/7 medication management. If she falls or becomes ill, there is a nurse on hand to determine if medical care is needed...or just first aid. Although I WANTED to yell at her yesterday, because she kept counting five things and "getting" six and because she gave one of the food service people a tip (not allowed, but he took it) there is usually a lot less stress.

I have NO idea how people do this at home. I just want to say that there is no shame in getting help. WITH the assisted living, I am still (mostly) her daughter and not (mostly) her caregiver. And we both like it better that way. If nothing else, there may be respite care available to give you some mental health time.

Good luck with Mom and with the weight loss.

Assisted living would be great, but Mother doesn't qualify. She can't walk or take care of herself enough to live in an apartment. Besides, it costs the earth. So I'm pretty much stuck. But thanks for the advice.

[bitteroldhag 0]

i know that we have a local church in our neighborhood where a Respite Care Program is hosted. Sometimes, just an afternoon is like a lifetime!

Do you have a local Agency for the Aging or Senior Place that can provide a break for you now and then?

Our senior citizens center is designed for ambulatory folks and mother isn't. The poor old thing just sits in the house when I'm gone. When I'm here, I am her servant. On occasion I go to a nearby town and stay in a motel for a couple of days. I like to stay in motels since I get to read and watch what I want on TV and just veg. But I can't really do that now since Mother is not ambulatory. I used to do it, but I'm afraid to leave her alone. I may go for a night or two before long and see how it works.

[bitteroldhag 0]

We have similar issues sometimes, partly because Cheyenne isn't my MIL's biological grandchild. My MIL thinks she should be Cinderella. She doesn't complain to me (of course) but my DH gets his ear bent frequently. His mom will drag him down the hall to Cheyenne's room, throw the door open in a grandly dramatic gesture, and say, "Just look at that mess!" My DH just shrugs and tells her to keep the door closed and she won't have to look at it.

My MIL will load the diswasher (she really does try to be helpful), but she leaves Cheyenne's dish or glass or whatever in the sink. It's her little statement. Even though she will stand at the table while my DH finishes his lunch, so she can grab his dishes and wash them....so he doesn't have to get up. After all, retirement is hard and playing golf 4 or 5 days a week takes a lot out of anyone.

Your MIL plays golf at 87? She's going to live forever. Get out. Run! This sandwich thing is something I don't have to deal with, thank God. But at least you have DH to help you. I don't have anyone except home health and I hope God blesses everyone of them.