you know the saying. "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me"

this is a "poor me " rant at 4 months post op. And yes, i am in therapy for these issues. I just need some empathy from others who are facing the same challenges to their self-esteem

Shame on me for marrying a man who didnt love me just as I was- 100 lbs overweight.

Shame on me for thinking the sleeve would miraculously improve my marriage.

Shame on me for thinking that losing 50 lbs would make a difference in those feelings of what I can only describe as distain.

Shame on me for getting all dressed up and then getting disappointed when I get nothing but negativity in return.

Shame on me for needing outside approval, acceptance and self-confidence.

Shame on me for wrapping my self-esteem up in a man who is emotionally unavailable.

Shame on me for marrying a VERY controlling man, when I knew going in that I could never be good enough.

And FINALLY (for now) shame on me for looking outside myself for what I will only find within myself--God's love for me as a child of

His, and a love of myself.

Anyone else in the same boat with a controlling, disapproving, jealous, a*****e of a spouse (or significant other)?

How to deal with the SHAME of never feeling like my best is ever good enough?

Is there a secret that Im missing out on? Please share and be kind

Divorce

I was there a year ago, best choice I made was walking away. I haven't been sleeved yet, but some how I started taking care of myself for ME and not anyone else. MY self esteem and confidence is sky high. I walk around not worrying about what people think about me. If he wasn't there before and clearly isn't there now.... why stay at all?

Wow! We have almost the same stats! I am very fortunate that I DO have a loving spouse who is amazing! But, I can relate to your feelings. I had a very dysfunctional childhood & have a great deal of problems with self esteem issues! I felt...hell, still feel to some degree that I am not & never will be good enough! It's hard undoing what was learned. My husband & children are awesome & without them I would prob be a mess! I can only say you can only find true love & acceptance by first loving & accepting yourself, & the first step is realizing you DESERVE better! You deserve respect & someone who will appreciate you! I'm not saying divorce, that's for you to decide...but if he's not willing to go to counseling himself & try & work on your problems...then you really haven't other choice if you want to be happy & live your life!

I am not in your situation but I can offer you an internet hug from a stranger and a high five for recognizing where you are and where you need to go. I wish you the strength and courage to move forward into a better situation. I have no doubt you can!

Aw TInk:

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, I was in a similar relationship about 10 years ago. I never looked good enough etc. He had his own issues and ultimately I had to leave and get myself back. It took me a good chunk of time to free myself of all that crap and take care of me, culminating with my getting sleeved and taking control of this aspect of my life.

Sometimes men like that need to be with someone who isn't the most confident, it makes them feel better and stronger.

I say you change your ticker to Lost - 1 a**hole and 46 lbs.

You are entitled to all those things you mentioned. Give yourself some time. You will have it all. Dont' let anyone take away what you have accomplished. If you need to be reminded, we are a mouse click away.

Be well.

First congratulations on the weight loss!! I am glad you are in therapy to improve yourself. the most impossible thing we can do is change another person. When someone is not happy with them selves/low self esteem, feeling of being out of control they look for a partner who they can control. MAYBE he felt he could control you because he felt out of control now your attitude is changing you are feeling better about yourself and he feels he is loosing you/control. I was a domestic violence advocate (and also divorced) for a number of years and domestic violence is not just a black eye it is also emotional/psychological abuse. examples Not being there for your partner, not having a mutually beneficial relationship (give and take),withholding emotions-feelings, withholding sex or making the other person feel bad about wanting or desiring sex. I am NOT saying you are in an abusive relationship but I am trying to provide some insight into what one might look like and yes every relationship is different. Abusive relationships of any kind just don't change overnight but they can change if both parties want too. Good luck. Make your own goals and decide what makes you happy.

Actually think you have discovered the secret. That you are an amazing, smart, beautiful inside and out woman that deserves respect and acceptance. Sounds like you now accept yourself and know you will accept nothing less. (and should not)

Bravo to you. You have arrived.

Wishing you the very best life has to offer. You truly deserve it.

You do not have to take on all that shame! You cannot be blamed for your husband's actions. That is all him. I went into what i thought was a very loving marriage. It turned out to be emotionally scarring, and nearly leading to suicide. I was controlled, manipulated, lied to, cheated on, and abandoned. The best thing I ever did was divorce him. I cannot tell you how much better I am physically, mentally, and emotionally for it.

Now, if your DH is willing to work with you, then give it a try. Marriage counseling CAN work...if both are honest and WORK at it. Otherwise, you may need to assess your life and make the best decision in your interest.

HUGGGGSSSSS!!! I am a sympathetic ear if you ever need to e-mail me. I don't have answers, but I do listen well.

Tink 12/26,

I'm glad you are able to put workds to the pain you are felling. I am sorry you are in theis pain, but being able to voice it and experience it is the best place to start. If you are like me, the pain you are talking about now, is the poain that has been there for so long... but you have avoided feeling it by eating a lot of food.

I'm pre-Op, but I have tried to do as much work as I can to try to understand how and why I got to the place that I need surgery. For me, it all has to do with pain - emotional pain - that I have avoided dealing with and very low self esteem.

All of my life I have turned to food for comfort - it worked in the short term, but hurt me more in the long run. I thought I could find comfort in my marriage, and while my marriage isn't the same as yours, it has not brought the nurture and comfort I longed and hoped for. FINALLY, I'm learning that I started down the wrong path looking for comfort. The only place I can find the comfort I so long for is in God and His amazing love for me.

Along with counseling, 3 books that have helped me on my road to emotional recovery have been Changes That Heal, Hiding From Love, and How We Love.

If there is anything here that you would like to chat more about, please feel free to send me a personal message.

Hugs to you!

I know that there are a LOT of us on here that have or had the same issues with a significant other that you had. I feel for you and just know that you are not alone. You are sooooo smart to seek therapy so that you won't make the same mistake again. Good luck to you!!!!!

If he cannot and will not love you for who you are regardless of how much you weigh you should consider divorce. You deserve someone that loves and appreciates you and makes you feel that love every day.

I can so relate to so much that you posted. My advice fall in love with yourself...after getting out of 2 really bad relationships (one a divorce & a rebound bad relationship after that)....I fully believe that to really love another & be loved by another - we need to love and accept ourselves...I am still working on it. It is hard for me to believe the positives about myself, when the negatives are so easy...but I am working on building myself up each & every day. Best of luck to you! Congrats on your weight loss. Keep up the great work - for you!!

Tink, I haven't had my surgery yet, but I was with a man that was not only controlling but abusive. The best thing I ever did was leave him! Men like that will never change. They will continue to put you down. I would love to walk up to my ex one day in the future after I have met my goal weight and give him a piece of my mind.

We tried marriage counselling but the counselor actually took his side!! His dad would call ME a controlling b*tch behind my back when it was him that was lying to family and friends about our marriage. I gained 80 lbs from the time we met to the day I left him. I didn't realize he was the one that caused me to gain all of that. I am now about 25 lbs pre surgery from my weight back in 2002!

Only you can make the final decision. But we are all here to support you. Feel free to message me if you would like. I am a great listener who went thru hell and back with my ex!

Thank you alll so much for the support. I am glad i wrote the post. You are all amazing!

Tink, I fear I will be in your shoes in 6 months. I almost feel like future me wrote the post. I'm hanging in there because I have invested 20 years into this relationship and have three young children together but I really don't know why I think a skinny me will make him any less of an emotionally distant a-hole?? I fear the inevitable is coming...