How would you handle this?

[DeniseC 0]

Hi Everyone,

I've been lurking here for awhile and received my surgery date (Nov 2nd) earlier this week. The advice you all give is great and now I need some.

I made the decision to only tell a few select people about my surgery and, for the most part, that's worked very well. One of the people I told is my sister in law, who is a nurse and who is also overweight (since she has been married to my brother). Up until yesterday, things have been going ok but yesterday, she BEGGED me not to have the surgery! I was really shocked because she was so adament about it. She wouldn't really say what she was so upset about and she knows that the surgery is not at all like RNY, but I have to say I was really taken aback. I've explained the surgery to her and as a nurse, I would think she could see the difference in the risks of the lapband surgery and RNY (which was a big issue for her when I first told her I'm having the surgery). She was actually the last person whom I thought wouldn't be supportive!

Any thoughts or advice???

Thanks.

Denise

[leatha_g 4]

Do you think perhaps she is panicing because she's afraid you'll lose weight and leave her behind? Or perhaps your losing weight may make her take inventory of her own issue with the weight?

Unless she could give you some substantial reason why you shouldn't, medically. That would be my guess..

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Do what is best for yourself.

Unless your sister-in-law can get you into a trial for a new wonder-drug that promotes weight-loss, or she knows something is about to revolutionize weight loss, you need to get started now making sure you can have a healthy life in the future.

[Alexandra 55]

Hi Denise,

Until and unless you know precisely what set her off, you can't really address her fears. It is certainly odd, because as a nurse she should understand the relatively low risk. I'm thinking her concern is more about other things--the most uncharitable that comes to mind is the idea that you will lose weight and she won't, and that's bothering her. I had a similar reaction from a relative who, while she didn't come right out and beg me not to have surgery, was up front about the fact that she would "hate" me if I lost significants amount of weight.

You know that this is YOUR decision. If she's not going to come clean with you so you can have a reasonable discussion about it, then you have every right to ask her to keep her concerns to herself. Of course we want our families and friends to be supportive but if they can't do that, the least they can be is quiet.

Good luck, and do let us know what her problem is, if you ever find out. I'd be interested to know!

[DonnaB 3]

How sad that your sister-in-law isn't supporting your decision. Her support is not necessary to your success, but it would be nice to be able to talk to her about your journey along the way.

It sounds like you two are pretty close. Maybe you should ask her outright if she's projecting her weight issues onto you? Either it will make her think - or make her mad. Either way, her opinion, unless backed up with something substantial, shouldn't influence your decision to become healthy.

Let us know what happens please.

[Iluvharleys 15]

Do you think perhaps she is panicing because she's afraid you'll lose weight and leave her behind? Or perhaps your losing weight may make her take inventory of her own issue with the weight?

Unless she could give you some substantial reason why you shouldn't, medically. That would be my guess..

I'm afraid I actually agree with this, in fact I was about to say the exact same thing until I read Leatha's response.

[Mvpo8961 1]

Does she work at the facility where your banding is being done?

Could she perhaps know more about the surgeon and his track record?

That would be my first thought is that perhaps she knows something about some of the inner workings of the facility or doc that the general public wouldn't know.

I know as a healthcare provider with a husband that is a healthcare provider we have the inside 411 on the docs we want to use. IF she is that adamant about you not having but is reluctant to say why I would really have to wonder.

M

[MyKdsDad 1]

She has probably already told your brother, who is telling the rest of the family, who are getting the pitchforks and torches ready for the lynching and intervention. But my best guess is that she would like to do it with you and doesn't want to be left behind.

[libra 13]

My future sister in law is a critical care nurse. When I told her, she was thrilled for me. She knew a lot about the surgery and even knew other nurses who did it. Of course, my future sis in law is thin. I think everyone may be right here. She doesn't want to be left behind in the "chubby section" I think it would be good to talk to her and explain that you need to do this for you and that you would appreciate her support. Whatever you do, don't let her dissuade you from what you really want to do.

[jgandg 0]

I agree with what others have said. I have gotten the worst reaction from people who are also overweight. I do think it has to do with their own weight issues, or with being threatened by my not being fat anymore.

Unless she can tell you very clearly from a health care provider's point of view why she is so against this surgery, I would take everything she says with the view that she is probably having some kind of acting-out about her own issues, not yours.

It hurts when someone whose support you were counting on can't give it.

[JILLMC 0]

I'm so sorry your sister-in-law is not being supportive. Do what is best for you and don't discuss it with her if you don't want to. You don't need that right before surgery. You've done the research and only you can make that decision.

I have a friend that immediately said that a friend of hers knows a lady that died from the band, which I found out is not true. She had a band but died from lung cancer. She later apologized and said she would be supportive. I told her that I had decided not to discuss the band with her at all but that now I would give it a try again but if she says anything negative that will be it.

This was not an easy decision for me and I'm sure it wasn't for you either so please don't listen to her negative comments.

:nervous

[gonnabethin 10]

Everyone has given great reasons for her panic. IMHO You need to do what makes you happy and what is best for you!! I like wise didnt tell anyone and it is staying that way!! For that exact reason- I dont want the anxiety, nor do I want competition, nor do I want the looks, comparisons, and constant nagging! Keeping it in now and telling later IF YOU choose is better than spreading the word now and not being able to take it back!! Im sure she is envious, jealous or fearful of being the only fat one in the family whether she is or not!

Your surgeon is the only one who can decide with you if the surgery is too risky medically!!

Good Luck figuring her out!!

[DeniseC 0]

I really appreciate all of the feedback you all have given me. Y'all are GREAT!

And I think you're right about it being about her own issues. My brother (her husband) is supportive but her reaction just caught me offguard. I'm definitely going ahead with the surgery---nothing is going to stop that!

Thanks again for the feedback!

Denise

[mousecrazy 2]

You never know...maybe your success and determination will be the light she needs to go forward and do something for herself.

[Paulax 8]

She has probably already told your brother, who is telling the rest of the family, who are getting the pitchforks and torches ready for the lynching and intervention. But my best guess is that she would like to do it with you and doesn't want to be left behind.

OMG that made me laugh...

Denise you need to be very confident in your decision. Whatever is behing her comments, you need to show you are confident in your decision.

I feel for you, girl. This is a hard enough decision to make without naysayers.

hugs to you....