I am scheduled for Sept. 5th and honestly I'm not afraid at all. I think this is the first time in my life I am not afraid of something. I've been thinking about the surgery for 2 years and when BCBS approved the sleeve I decided this was the time. I've been going through the process since January and have my date I am ready mentally but the problem is my family.

Nobody wants me to have it. I have 3 girls 19, 16, and 13 plus my husband (who hasn't been such a great one for 20 years). They all say I am being selfish. I am afraid I will not have the support I need once I have the surgery. I have given my life for my family and whenever I need to do something for myself I put it off. I thought they would be happy for me. All of the support meeting and things I've had to go through to get approved constantly said you need a good support system.

I work full time and take care of all the housework. I have started to make everyone accountable for chores for the past couple of months but it's been a battle. I think I started to late and I should wait until they can handle this. I keep getting constant remarks that I'm taking the easy way out. I know this is not easy believe me. I have battled with my weight my whole life and have lost and gained enough weight, I want it to stop.

Please I know I have done the damage of not making them more responsable and I realize that now. Like I said It's been a tough 20 years and I thought if I just did it all they wouldn't notice the bad things.

If any other Mothers have had this problem I would like a little help.

Thank you,

I definitely think you should go ahead with your surgery. It's time that you start not only taking care of yourself but most importantly thinking of yourself. This is the most beneficial gift you will ever give yourself and in a way a gift to your family. As for support, you couldn't ask for a better support system than the one you would get on this forum .... good luck in whatever you choose. You're in my prayers

I know I read that you weed out the people that do not support you but I can't really do that with my kids.

You don't have to weed them out but you also can't let them stop what you know you want and need. It's not fair to you and I think not giving them this opportunity to learn to fend for themselves is not fair to them. Mom isn't going to do everything for them for the rest of their life... it's time they learn a bit more responsibility. It's time that they learned that it's good to take care of others... especially those you love.

I agree with everyone else. You should have it done. If you don't have it done you might regret not having it done now. You just don't know things might change in the future and you won't be able to have it done because of insurance or even other health problems that won't allow you to with go surgery.

I personally don't think you are being selfish on the contrary you are doing this to be healthy, and be around for your family for many more years.

I really hope you don't change your mind and go thru with the surgery.

Sorry if this sounds harsh - but your kids are old enough to pick up after themselves, cook food, do laundry etc etc. In fact, you are doing them a disservice to continue to provide complete maid and chef services - how else will they learn if not under your wing?

I can't help but wonder if they aren't all (kids and hubby) really saying that : "I have a good deal going here and I don't want you going in and messing it up by changing!" Really, it isn't about the short time of surgical recovery, it is about the whole rest of your life. Heck, if you start feeling better about yourself you might no longer be the willing servant to the family. Many many kids at age 16 and 19 have jobs and are fairly independent. Even 13 year olds often babysit and take on other responsibilities.

It is really really hard for others to accept this kind of change, but I guess the question is - what is your health worth? What is your happiness worth? What is your ability to go out and do fun stuff without dragging around a bunch of extra weight worth?

Yes, it is great to have support, but I will tell you that the most important "support" comes from deep inside you. It is your own willingness, eagerness to change your life that will make you successful no matter what resistance you meet from others.

My final thought is this. My boys are 20 and 23. It is a bit sad and lonely when they fly the nest and start living their own lives - even though I raised them with the expectation to find their way int he world, it is still painful as the mom to be left behind. My youngest son went off to college and I had to hide my tears everytime he headed back to school after a long weekend or holiday home. It was heartbreaking as we have always been so close, but dang it, he deserves his own life - he doesn't owe it to me to stay around and keep me company! How are you going to feel over the next 5 years or so as they each take flight and leave you home - still fat, still not living the life you want, but you don't have their companionship.

I am so busy having fun these days I hardly have time to miss the kids. I am not even at goal yet, but let me tell you, losing that 100+ pounds was like a HUGE weight coming off my shoulders and now I am the one flying!

I'm single with no kids - but I honestly feel that as far as support goes - if someone hasn't had at least 80lbs or more to lose, they just don't understand what we are going through. These forums, facebook pages & youtube have a lot of support from ppl going through the same thing we are. I'm not concerned about support after the surgery. I live by myself - but I know I'll be fine.

Please go through with your surgery. If you don't - I really think you'll regret it.

keep your date !! im a single mum of four kids & have just moved to a new state where I know nobody except the people I work with. My kids are the only ones that know Im having this surgery & like you I think I have done too much for them over the years. Now when I ask for some help around the house its a battle!! I do everything plus work full-time. Im having this surgery for ME. You should do the same. Tell your kids and your hubby you are going through with it and they all have to step up and help. Write out a roster for them all and put it on the fridge, then dont talk about it anymore to them. If they cant be supportive dont engage them in conversation about the topic. Go and have your surgery and come home and look after YOU as number one. if they need clean clothes they will learn how to wash, if they are hungry they will learn how to cook! I know there is alot more to keeping a household but please dont put this off, even if you end up washing wet towels & scrubbing dirty dishes for the next six months after healing from surgery it will still be worth it!! Do something wonderful for YOU! YOU deserve it!

Thank you to everyone. Whith your help I have decided to keep my date. I have just told my family that I was thinking of postponing it because of the issues with them and I actually let them see the responses to my post. They all felt pretty bad and did admit to being scared. My husband not so much but I know he is afraid of me changing. He has told my sister in-law that he is nervous I'm not sure if the afraid of the surgery or the change. Well, I decided that's it and I asked for everyone not to speak about it again. Let's see how this works out. Thank you all again. The online community will be were I go for support.

Lori

Awesome! Good decision and good luck )

Thank you to all. I've really gotten a lot from the web site and thought I would through this out there since it's been tough at home. I wish I never told anyone I was getting it done.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. My kids are really great in everyother way. They are great in school and respectful. I just messed up with housework and cooking. I was very surprised at their reaction. I did have a feeling it was fear driven. The problem is it can be hurtful when you give so much to and get this in return. I know I read that you weed out the people that do not support you but I can't really do that with my kids. I'm still on for 9/5 I haven't cancelled yet. Thank you all again and I enjoy all of your comments and replies to all the questions on the forums.

Do you have anyone else that can support you? Your recovery is going to be so important, and you will need someone to help and support you. A relative? Friend? someone from your support group. You need to do this for you. You are the only thing that matters right now and being able to be healthy and around to see those girls of you grow up. Please dont cancel, you can do this.

So glad to hear that you are keeping your date!!!! You won't regret it!!! Congrats!!!

good decision! and I'm glad you showed them this site and the postings/replies to your post. I'm sure it was eye-opening for the girls - as teenagers they can only see 1 foot in front of them! they will appreciate you so much more once you start this journey...sometimes as 'big' people we allow others to walk over us as we fade into the background - you will emerge from this adventure a much more confident person -and that's the image you want your girls to see.

I am glad you have changed your mind and doing this for you.

I think your husband might be a bit like mine. They really want to see us healthy but are afraid of the procedure and not so much the change. My husband decided to support me but not really talk about it. Go figure.

Good for you! I think you will be so happy you made that decision. I hope that your husband turns a corner as I know it is important for you to have his support. Good luck you.

This is something I read on the forum before I had surgery, and I used it with my partner when he had reservations about the surgery after our discussion:

I have already decided to have the surgery. Whether you agree or disagree with me, what I need from you is your support. If you can't give me your support, please don't say anything that will dishearten me.

He wasn't completely against the surgery, but he thought it was too drastic and was scared. He wanted to talk to me about dieting and exercising. (This was coming from someone who has never weighed more than 170lbs and has a single digit body fat percentage.) I told him that I've tried so many diets, and he told me that I could try harder. When he met the surgeon, Dr. Kelly in Mexico, he even asked Dr. Kelly if he could leave more of my stomach than just a sleeve. Dr. Kelly told him that taking out half of the stomach wouldn't provide me with the same benefit. Luckily, Dr. Kelly is more available than many US physicians for his patients. The night before surgery, I was already checked into the hospital, but my partner, Dr. Kelly, his assistant, and two family members of other patients went to dinner. I think my partner got the opportunity to talk to Dr. Kelly about all his fears and have all his questions answered.

Since surgery, some of his fears have subsided. He is much more supportive and understanding. I hope the same happens with your family, so they can Celebrate your successes with you!

self·ish

  <a onmousedown="spk(this,{lk:'nx1fkx',en:'wotdau',io:'0',b:'wotd',tp:'lrl',m:'wotdau'})" href="#"></a><a target="_blank" href="http://dictionary.reference.com/audio.html/lunaWAV/S02/S0298400"><img border="0" src="http://static.sfdict.com/dictstatic/g/d/speaker.gif"></a> /ˈsɛlfɪʃ/ Show Spelled[sel-fish] Show IPA

adjective

1.

devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.

characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

This does not sound like you at all. In fact based on your post is sounds the exact opposite of you. A few days/weeks of recovery will not change how you ultimately love and care for your family but it certainly will change how you love,care, and respect yourself and your health and well being in the future.

Good luck to you. I hope you end up with some of what you need too!