Where are you emotionally?

Jennaband · August 4, 2003

I'm a counselor and I am interested in hearing where everyone is emotionally. I found myself the week before banding saying goodbye to all the things I love to eat. I was kind of sad. Since surgery I have this anxiety that it is not going to work, even though it is working. I wonder if it is the years of disappointing diet attempts and all the feelings of failure that I stuffed away with food while I looked for a new diet.

Feedback?

tanna · August 4, 2003

I found myself having the same feelings right before being banded as you did. I had my share of last supper's as well. Now almost 4 months after banding I still experience moments of sadness that I can no longer indulge in some of my former favorite foods. However, my sadness is quickly replaced with a feeling of gratitude for this band that is helping me to conquer my addiction for food! As time passes I am starting to really believe that this band will work for the long term. I am starting to really believe that I won't regain this weight sometime in the future like I have done on every other weight loss program I have tried. This realization fills me with delight!

Good luck,

Tanna

305/255/150

P.S. I too am a counselor.

lisae · August 4, 2003

Jennifer and Tanna,

I'm a counselor, too! I'm an elementary school counselor, how about you two?

Where am I emotionally: I haven't had a fill, so I'm not really restricted. Some days, however, I am and I get the golf ball in my chest. I have, on more than one occassion, waited for the feeling to pass and finish what I was eating. I feel like I deserve to eat. When I can't I get mad at my little band. What does this do to me? It scares the HECK out of me!! It makes me think....will I continue to do this? But I know that I am slowly learning and slowly letting go of the food. I know that I DON'T deserve to eat and I have get over the obsession. I continue to tell myself that I can finish my (whatever) next time I'm hungry or choose something else, but right now I don't need to eat.....and it's painful!!! I haven't earned the right to eat.....I've done that for 30 years and look where it's got me. I'm trying something new this time!

On a positive note: today for lunch I felt the pain and immediately threw my food away. Yippee for me!!! I guess it's just going to be a daily learning experience.

I'm getting filled on Tuesday, so hopefully this will help!

Jennaband · August 4, 2003

Hi Tanna and Lisa,

I am a school counselor too? I e-mailed Tanna privately but I guess this question could be open to the whole board. Who are you telling about your band? I have this sort of sence of shame that I should have been able to get control of this myself.

Anyone else?

Alexandra · August 4, 2003

I'm so glad you asked this question! This is such an emotional process as well as a physical one. I'm feeling like I'm about to step off a precipice into the unknown--much the way I did when expecting my first child. It was impossible to actually imagine the days, weeks, and months after THE BIG DAY.

There's fear, certainly, so the current insurance fight is actually proving a semi-welcome distraction. This Thursday I go in for my presurgical appointment. (I guess that's where we'll finally nail down that "before" number.) Once the ink is dry on the insurance agreement there will be no more doubt--August 20 is the day my new life begins. I think it will turn out to be as important a day in my family as our anniversary and my children's birthdays.

I've told several family members and almost all of them have had extremely positive responses (once I can explain what the band is all about, of course). No one who knows me at all has given me the old "why can't you just eat less?" speech, thank goodness. I'm starting to think about what I'll tell my coworkers who don't already know. I'll probably just tell them the truth because I can't lie and I don't want to try to hide anything from them--the truth is always easier.

The sense of shame you describe I've felt too, but it passes in a moment or two. This is MY life, and MY body, and I can't care what anyone else thinks. The only person who has to approve is me, and I do.

When I allow myself to imagine a more slender future, emotionally I board a magic carpet. I don't do it too often or for long, but I can get teary just thinking about how even a simple thing like looking at ALL the clothes in a catalog instead of seeking the ones with the "W" will be a dream come true.

lisae · August 5, 2003

Yes, I understand the shame part, too. I am ashamed of myself because I have let myself get into this state. It's the shame of "I was too weak to do it myself." At first, I didn't tell anybody. I told my parents the week before I went. My dad tried to pull the old "you just need to watch what you eat" routine and I shut him up immediately. Point blank, I told him that if he wasn't going to be supportive then I have nothing to say to him and will not discuss it with him. After a couple of seconds of uncomfortable silence, he asked about the procedure and I shared. He still doesn't know the cost, but I told him he'll find out when he does my taxes this year!! I told my close friends the week before I went.

I have not and will not tell my co-workers. In my opinion, that's what they are.....co-workers. They are not a part of my life and do not need to know this information. I work in a school and the gossip with the adults is worse than that with the students. I don't want to be under the looking glass and have everyone analyze what/when/how much I'm eating.

As far as "lying" to them.....I'm not. When they ask how I'm losing weight, my answer will be: "I'm eating less than I used to and I'm exercising. Eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full." Simple as that......it's the whole truth, too!

Peace to all!

meswede · August 5, 2003

Okay ... I can not hold back anymore since both Lisa and Alexandra have also joined in on this once "private" conversatation ... however Jen started this thread off by asking how everyone else is doing emotionally. So ... the Big Swede is jumping in now.

Just to get this out of the way ... HI SISTER LISA!!!

I think pre-banded I felt like I was somewhere between panic and mourning ... and at the same time estatic with gladdness and scared to be going into the unknown ... and surgery. It seemed like a HUGE range of emotions every day I got closer to my surgery. Then suddenly ... I had an all time onion bagel attack. And of course had to smear gobs of philly cream cheese on top of it after I toasted it. (I think I'm drooling at the thought) And acutally, I'm not really a bread lover ... but suddenly the strangest things were an obsession. I knew ahead of time that after banding, bread was going to be off my food list forever. And as Alexandra said ... I too had my share of last suppers. And as for things I now miss ... I miss CHUGGING down a glass of milk. I miss having a Starbucks Mocha Frapachino and since I'm still on the liquid/soft food stage ... I'm drooling for some pot roast or chicken. Just weird stuff that really have no meaning in my life at all. They are all just fleeting thoughts and then they're gone again.

I must add that no matter the emotional roller coaster, it's nothing that can't be overcome. But it can feel like mourning a lost friend. And so to help myself out ... when I'm feeling a sad loss ... I turn that sad loss into a happy loss and simply JUMP ON THE SCALES!!!

Everything negative has a positive side ... and I'm now discovering that it's okay for me to have these moments and perhaps they are necessary like a child leaning to walk. I have to walk before I can run ... and this time I'm running all the way to the finish line!

Blessings to all of you,

Lori in Oregon

Dr. Rumbaut 07/09/03 (265/245/140) Weigh in Wednesday in two days!

tanna · August 5, 2003

Hi everyone,

To respond to the question earlier...I am also an elementary school counselor. However I am currently an at home mom for my two small children. I told Jennifer in a private message that I have decided to let all family members know about my surgery. I am careful about which friends I tell. Some I have decided to answer very similarly to what some of you posted...that I am eating a lot less and exercising!! It just depends on who I think will support me and who I think will judge me harshly! I guess we all are faced with those determinations of the people in our life.

I think the lap band is turning out to be an amazing behavior modification tool! I used to crave breads and carbs. Now that I have had two fills, my band won't let me indulge in these old favorites. I find myself every once in a while looking at a cinnamon roll or a slice of thick crusted pizza and what flashes through my mind is PAIN rather than anticipation!! Every day it becomes more and more easy to want better foods!! Thank heavens for the band!!!! I really think this is going to work this time around!

Good luck everyone,

Tanna

4-23-03

305/255/150

claraluz · August 16, 2003

I am new to this site so I can't figure out the part about this being a private conversation. . .anyway. I will be banded the week after next. Feelings: Strangely, not too many yet, but I just got instructions from my surgeon today about what to eat pre-and post-op and I guess that got me starting to feel a little nervous about really saying goodbye to using food as a crutch. And I feel a lot of anxiety about the no bread part too. If it weren't for bread, Pasta, and the fats I put on them, I'd be thin today. I have to force myself to eat Protein. I'm a vegetarian, more or less. I don't like veggies unless they're raw. So I am imagining a difficult adjustment.

As far as telling people goes, I feel healthy and calm about it. I am normally a very private person, but I have told my family (I'm very close to them and they will be with me), my boss (had to in order to get the time off) and my close friends. But I have also told a few people I'm not quite as close to at work, but people I trust to be quiet about it. I figure sooner or later the word will get around at work. As far as scrutiny goes, I feel people watch what I eat very closely now. It can't be too much worse afterwards. I just don't tell people who I feel are going to ask me many questions or who are going to try to lecture me. Shame? I've lost my weight before twice and re-gained it. People who know me know I've tried and I've worked hard at it.

I'm going to continue to work hard, as are we all. I'm putting shame behind me.

BTW, I'm not a counselor, but I'm a social worker. Close.

Nancy