Disturbing story of a Co-worker's Friend's Daughter

[Shae 44]

Warning: This is disturbing.

I was sleeved on 10/19/11. At the end of September, I interviewed for a new position in a different department within my company and they made me an offer on 10/13. I accepted and my time out for surgery was part of my two week notice. I started on Halloween so, no one here knew anything about me or that I had just had surgery.

So, before the first week is out, the secretary in the building puts out an email about a pot-luck. Not wanting to seem unfriendly, I signed up for a fruit and veggie tray. The day comes around and I am still on mushies so I didn't get a plate. The secretary pulled me aside and asked if I was ok. I told her I had had a type of WLS called the Vertical Sleeve and that I was not able to eat solid foods yet.

Here is the disturbing part... She said that her best friend's daughter was 350 lbs and decided to have the sleeve done. She said that the young woman was not prepared for the changes she would have to make and could not cope with the inability to eat large quantities of food. Then she told me that the young woman commited suicide.

I was not quite sure how to respond. Why was she telling me this? Was she just sharing her experience? Was she, in her own way, telling me that she was against WLS?

I really feel for the family of the young woman and wonder if she had any type of support group or if she had to do a psych eval as part of her pre-op.

I am really disturbed by what she told me so I thought I might share to get it off my mind. I know that sounds selfish and I am sorry.

How do you take this sort of news and just continue on your merry way?

Shae

[ShellBear 26]

Unfortunately this sort of thing can happen. I had a friend who I grew up with (35 plus years) who had RNY about 6 years ago. She had been heavy all her life and the surgery brought so many changes to her way of living. She conceived two beautiful baby girls after her surgery to add to the one she had adopted, but sadly her marriage fell apart, Her husband cheated and left. Ultimately, her self esteem and emotional problems took over and she fell in with a bad influence (man). She lost physical custody of her daughters and her depression took over her life. She had health insurance and had received Psychological help during this time but it wasn't enough. In the spring of last year she took her life and we were all devastated.

While this whole story is extremely sad and I miss my friend so very much, I firmly believe that her final decision came from her personal devastations and depression. The surgery would have added many years to her life if the Psychological issues hadn't taken over. This thing could happen to anyone, WLS or not.

I guess this just enforces the absolute need to seek the truth from ourselves and should encourage us to really search our souls before we make such a life altering decision.

I had my sleeve surgery on August 29th and I am extremely happy. My friend's story definitely weighed heavy on me as I researched and made my final choice to change my life. I communicated openly and thoroughly with my husband and my family. I did experience a few small waves of slight depression in the first few weeks but that has passed and I am doing great now.

I haven't shared this story before because it is so personal but I think everyone who is considering WLS of any kind should be full aware that this is a huge change for most and every possible outcome should be taken seriously.

My love to all! God Bless!

[Shae 44]

I went through the whole grieving process just after my surgery. I have a very supportive family and wonderful husband who got me through.

I feel so saddened to hear that someone was so alone (real or imagined) that they would take their own life. My heart broke when I read your story because you probably felt helpless watching things happen. I would have because no matter how hard you tried, you always wonder if there was something more you could have done. I am so sorry for your loss.

Shae

[Lissa 2,631]

I think everyone knows "someone" for whom WLS didn't work, or cause deep emotional pain, or the "someone" had horrible complications. My friend's sister in law had RNY and has had horrible complications, but, here's the thing, she's not compliant with her diet, Water intake, or exercise...and she certainly hasn't spent any time on a therapist's couch to find out what drove her to get so heavy in the first place!

I'm not saying that therapy is a requirement for WLS, because many people do fine without a therapist. But, some of us have issues that go way beyond our weight. Every person, fat or thin, is subject to a cheating spouse, a bad relationship, or bad decisions. Those things don't happen because we had or didn't have WLS. They happen because we are people and we are humans living in a big, bad world. :::shrug:::

There is a huge mental aspect to having WLS. That's why most doctors require a psyche evaluation before you have WLS. It's to possibly steer those who need extra help to someone who can help them. Even if we aren't told we need therapy, it's a great idea to try to work through our issues before the surgery. And there's a lot of mental work to do even after the surgery.

Anyway, my original point was that there are always going to be horror stories. Each of us has to figure out how we are going to deal with them. My response is usually "Thanks for telling me. I feel I made a good choice for me." I do have sympathy for those who have major problems after WLS, but it saved MY life. I can't say that I'd be alive right now if I hadn't started dumping the weight. Many WLS patients have similar stories to tell about how losing the weight helped them improve their medical conditions.

Good luck on your journey!!

[ShellBear 26]

Thank you sweetie. Stay strong and have faith that you made the right decision for you.

I know where my friend is now and I know that she is at peace in God's loving armes.

May God bless us all as we venture in to this wonderful journey we have chosen for ourselves!

<3

[Lisa the loser 13]

I am sick of these people how feel the "need' to tell you the most negitive thing they have ever heard about WLS, we have no idea of the mental state of this woman prior to surgery that may have been something she would have done either way !!! Stay strong and have faith in yourself

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

Unfortunately this is the down side to sharing your surgery with others.

I'm not against telling or not telling, that is an individual decision everyone should make on their own.

However, knowing that, be prepared for all the "my friends, sisters, brothers, daughters.." type responses. They will most likely not be good conclusions to good intentions. Folks are more inclined to share dirty little stories than happy bright ones. Why are humans like this? I don't know, but it's just how it is.

In my personal opinion there's really nothing you can do or say to this. I usually just say "I'm so sorry to hear that" and pretty much move on. Not knowing the full truth, what CAN I say? I know my ending was a good happy one. Is anyone out there sharing MY story? I doubt it.

All the best!!!

[Lissa 2,631]

Um, Diva? I share your story regularly with folks. You started where I started, pretty much, and I hope to end up where you're at now. You give me hope, etc., etc.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

Ha!! touche...

I think I more meant the average person who really knows nothing about WLS... but I stand corrected.

(((huggs)))

[favoredone 590]

Unfortunately, most humans are too self-centered and self-absorbed to understand how what we say can impact others... Most never take the time to put themselves on the receiving end of what's coming out of their mouths... One remedy is to make sure everything we say is motivate out of true concern and care for the person...

I'm sorry you had to hear that... Know that whatever will be, will be.. And one person's story or tragedy, doesn't have to be anyone else.

[lsereno 2,525]

I like to look on the bright side of life and people's motivation. I would take this as concern. I had a friend who was worried about me having the operation because she had another friend who had the operation and then committed suicide.

I stuck with this line: I'm sorry (fill in the blank) had problems. I know some people have problems, but I have a great medical team looking out for me and I take full advantage of it. Compared to the risks of staying overweight, this surgery is/was the right option for me.

I could sense her fear, but I didn't let it hold me back.

Lynda

[RebaC 0]

Anyone can be unhappy. Not just about loss of food. It may have had an influence, but it is not to blame totally for someones problems. This young lady obviously had other issues to have caused the weight gain in the first place. It is just a loss of the coping mechanism for this young lady. I am sorry for her family that she chose to end her life.

I have not told many people because of they way they react. I took a great deal of time to contemplate my surgery before I had it. I had a year of weight loss counseling, already had adopted some different eating habits, exercise habits and had time to wrap my head around it. I had my psyche counseling and then after approval by insurance, went to support groups for two months before proceeding with my surgery. I had given myself time to make the mental changes.

I told a co worker about my surgery, asked her not to share( she is a manager and I needed to let someone at work know that I could be out longer when I had my surgery) and she had the surgery herself after I told her. She went to Mexico as a self pay. She did not think about it more than two weeks. No counseling, no follow up, no support groups. Then she has shared it with others-actually everyone-two other people have gone to Mexico for the surgery since then (August) . I am really concerned that she and these others are not prepared. I do not want that on my conscience. I am choosing not to tell anyone else unless necessary. I asked her not to share that I had surgery, but think she has done so already. It is my choice to tell, not someone else's.

On the other side, I hope they are happy with their weight loss. I hope they are able to cope well. I am very happy that I can use this tool to control my own weight. I don't want to hear of other peoples horror stories. I do not want to influence other people to choose something that may not be right for them. I hope they have made choices on their own. They have to live with their choices, good or bad.

Choose to keep what you want to hear and dismiss what is not important. Thank those for compliments and tell the others that have negative stories that your appreciate their concern, but you're good with it and walk away.

This is long winded, roll eyes, sorry.

[SouthernSleever 236]

Um people are crazy that's all I can say. Any of you who have had babies can remember this same crap from when you were pregnant. People telling labor horror stories, don't eat this, don't touch this, don't sleep on your back. The insane things people think to say to each other.

I would have said, "Thanks for sharing!" and moved on. :bolt:

[Shae 44]

Thank you to all of you for your insights. I know there will be times when people are ignorant of the way they make others feel and I should ignore them. My guess is that she needed to share the only experience she has with someone having had WLS rather than just be accepting of what I was telling her.

You have all given me great ideas on how to deal with these issues in the future.

Shae

[GetInMyBelly 80]

I doubt that girl committed suicide, as your coworker said, because she couldn't eat as she used to... The issues the girl had was obviously much deeper than an eating disorder/food, and wls wasn't going to fix it. Sad story.