Marriage on the Rocks?

[FunnyDuddies 6]

Saul, I respect your feelings in this. I also agree that it feels good to have people commenting and complimenting you. Of course you are going to enjoy it! It is new, and something that you have been without for a long while. It is going to feel good, and make you feel like a stud. And you should feel that way! You are one now that you have lost the weight. Just think of how lucky your wife is now that she has gotten back the virile man she has always wanted. think of what she has put up with, and done without, over this time that you were overweight. Maybe you should show your appreciation to all the hard work she has put into the marriage, and all of the love she has given to you when you were at your highest. This is a big step towards being healthy. Maybe talk to her about how you feel so good about your new body, that you want the both of you to do healthy things together. Hiking, biking, scubadiving, etc. If you think she is gaining, understand that the 22 years of marriage where you were large, she was not the one able to relax. Now it might be her turn to relax. Understand what she is going through too. there is no problem in enjoying the compliments. But bring them home to your wife, and try and see the love and the time that she has given to you when no one was complimenting you. And admire her for the stud that she saw deep down inside before you lost the weight. The stud that everyone else now sees. Good luck.

[jgandg 0]

Having been the heavier one in my marriage, I can say that anything but love and a complimentary attitiude toward my appearance felt like such harsh criticism that it had the opposite effect - I would gain more weight, and feel horribly about myself. Perhaps your wife is picking up on your attitude that she's gaining while you are losing, and that your eyes are wandering? People can pick up things like that, those subtle changes in attitude.

Maybe she isn't ready to lose, maybe she never will be. You might think about what that would mean for you. Just because you are getting healthier doesn't mean she is ready to, or ever will be. You have a choice: you can love her, all of her, or you can decide she isn't the person you want to be with anymore. But you can't assume that she is going to change just because you were ready to.

[pplqueen 0]

Saul,

Don't let this happen to you. All that glitters is not gold...... IF you are a christian, ask God to help you and then find a Christian counselor. If you are not a Christain, GO GET A counselor.... I think that you are feeling what is perfectly normal. I would not even talk to a man who would not talk to me when I was fat.....

I would not talk to your wife about any healthy eating or exercising. Reach out to her and show her you still love her after 22 years........

I would rather have a fat husband than a cheating husband.

Good Luck!

[Elisabethsew 50]

My opinion, for what it's worth, is to take the emphasis OFF weight. You lose, she gains... you're looking damn good... she's not the tiny ballarina... blah, blah, blah.

I am assuming that with your weight loss, you're no longer the same couch potato that you were several months ago. Do you have children? Why not break the NORMAL routine of weekends at home and start to plan some couple and family activities? Perhaps if you SHARE your higher energy levels and channel them into couple activities, you wife will be motivated to join you in your healthier life style.

I think what you're experiencing is perfectfully normal and, after nobody noticing for you in so many years, suddenly getting attention makes you feel like a kid in a candy shop. But... you know what happens if you sample all that candy? LOL. So, invest some time in just you and your wife and see if THAT doesn't make a difference... for BOTH of you.

Make sense?

[barbara465 2]

Have you thought that many your wife is now insecure? After all, when you were swathered in fat, you were undesirable to other women. She was safe. Now that you have lost weight and are receiving advances, she is less secure in the relationship. Believe me when I say the unspoken word carries a big message.

This is the same when a woman puts a man through college and then he leaves her for an established professional. Or a woman seeks out a dynamic man that brings excitement to her dull life. Fantasy can be great, but it should be channeled.

Twenty two years is a long time, and a few months of a "new" you don't warrant this behaivor. Is it really the weight loss, or are there other issues in the marriage? Give her time to adjust to the new you. And give yourself time to readjust yourself to the changing relationship. She has been there for you. Now its your turn.

[Leona06 0]

I'm not married (I'm 21) but I talked to my mom about this (married 32 years) and she said that she was told that the band can make a strong marriage stronger and a weak marriage fail. I think shes right.

Maybe you had problems before this happened and this is just bringing it out.

But I do understand what you mean bout looking around. I being overweight my entire dating life, never wanted to date someone overweight because of 2 reasons... 1> we don't fit together right, and 2> I wanted someone with good self-esteem and I know that weight problems are also mental issues. But after 22 years, you should know if she is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, and if she isn't don't play her into believing she is while you wonder. That just isn't fair.

[bandedmama 0]

I understand what you're going through - but this is from a woman's perspective. As I lost weight and got more attention, I craved MORE attention, and my husband felt less and less attractive to me. Its as though I was hiding my true feelings for him behind my weight - actually emotional eating to mask my unhappiness in my marriage. As I started to shed the weight and free myself from some of that burden, I could see my marriage for what it really is, and realized how unhappy I had been for so long. I would encourage you not to look at your wife from this new buff man's perspective, but as the husband who has been by her side for 22 years -- I would suggest counseling either for you or both of you. If you are now basing your love for her based on her weight, then you aren't talking about unconditiojnal love. I felt guilty flirting with other men, because my husband has NEVER ONCE made a single comment to me about my weight - even though he weighed 180 and I weighed over 240. I know he loves me for me, no matter what size I am. Sadly though - that may not end up being enough for us in the end. We're working on it... Good luck.

[HeatherGurl 0]

I for one am glad Saul posted the truth here... he is looking for someone going thru the same feelings... not people to say Shame on you!

Yikes people... with hundreds of pounds flying off, stuff will change. Just like Paul said... about the libido. It's the truth.

I have only been married 3 years and don't have the experience of life as most of you do, but my eyes wander all the time. So the hell what? I am in love with my husband and would never forsake our vows, but everyone is different. My hubby and I both appreciate the beauty of others.

Sounds like to me that it is deeper with Saul than just wandering eyes though. People change.

Good Luck Saul and I hope someone here can actually help ya!

[lisah25 3]

In fact, my counselor brought up the fact that changes in body image, and bariatric surgery will either make a strong marriage stronger, or be the flame that brings to light a marriage's weaknesses. I would defo suggest counseling.

I've heard the same thing, about strong and weak marriages and the effect of weight loss.

I also agree with the suggestion to do counseling.

One other thought I've had for Saul is that fantasy is often much better then the reality. The idea of being with one of these suddenly-interested women is appealing, but think about what it would mean. Think about how your wife would feel if she caught you. Or about starting over with a new woman who has her own baggage. I've never cheated on my husband, but I did cheat on a BF in college and got caught. The look on my BF's face was terrible, I realized I had hurt him badly. And no sex is worth that feeling.

I saw a card once that I love. On the outside was a really sexy babe in a bikini. On the inside was the caption "Somewhere, someone is tired of putting up with her sh*t."

[Sunta 4]

No one stays a 90 pound ballarina forever... no one!

Why not try to eroticise your wife's new womanly curves? You say she's not even overweight, but just not 90 pounds any more. A 90 pound woman is like a boy anyway. Why not enjoy a real woman's body?

[Woodys 0]

I'm just wondering how Saul's wife is going to feel when she finds out that she no longer appeals to him because she isn't 90 lbs any longer, and that his eye is wandering to other females.......I bet she'd feel like "she's not good enough anymore"....that's how most women feel when their men behave like this. What a pity!

Carol

[paula 4]

Men are different creatures...

glad to know that this isnt just an issue that women go through after major weight loss.

Thanks Saul for posting this.

[saul 0]

I must say that reading all of these replys has helped me. I have already called a counslor and am just waiting for an appointment time that is convenient for both of us.

I realize that now that I can run a mile without feeling like my chest is going to explode has also increased my libido 100 fold.

I realize that even though there are a lot of "Saul bashers" out there, some of you can empathize with me.

I realize that my wife is the best thing that has ever occurred to me and no blonde hottie is worth giving that up for.

So yes, it feels great to be a sex object to other women and it feels great to be propositioned, but I AM STAYING HOME!

[Woodys 0]

Atta boy Saul!!!!!!!!!!!!!:clap2:

Carol

[Time2live 0]

I can see how, barring open comunication in a relationship, things like this can start to break down a marriage. Maybe she's feeling insecure about herself now that you're losing the weight. Maybe she finds it hard to throw compliments your way because then she starts feeling like maybe she doesn't deserve you(because of her own low self esteem) Maybe she wants reassurance from you that you've loved her all these years and losing weight doesn't change that. Maybe she wants you to encourage her to go with you when you go for a walk or work out. Maybe she wants you to make her feel like you are losing weight for yourself but also for her because you want her to have a hot husband because she deserves that. I dunno. Woman have deep rooted emotional needs and fears that need to be calmed. My husband has loved me since I was 18 yrs old and 177 pounds. Over 100 pounds has been added to my body and his love for me has never waivered. Granted he has gained weight too but not nearly as much as I have. He never fails to remind me(on almost an obnoxious daily basis..lol)that I'm still soooo beautiful.

Both him and I are aware that we both notice attractive people and I don't see anything wrong with that...but if your eye is wandering to the point where you start imagining a different life....then I think it goes beyond just the typical stuff that marriages endure.

Good luck with you marriage and your weight. Maybe you're marriage was coming undone before the weight loss and you just refused to see it....maybe not. But if you are having issues...you need to talk to your wife....dragging it out and leaving it won't help and that isn't fair to you or her.