WLS or relationship :( I may have to choose

[AnonFemale 0]

I am due for sleeve surgery early September, and very excited. I have battled with my weight for over 18 years, I am now in my late 20s. I feel this is a very positive step towards a healthier and happier life for me.

But my boyfriend doesn't understand. He does not want me to have it done. I really think we may break up over this. Ever since I started talking about it things haven't been the same.

I know he thinks I am weak. We have been together for a little over 18 months, and he hasn't seen me at my worst. I hide a lot of my overeating from him, and I cry about my weight only to my family. I never share it with him because in the past when I have he doesn't know how to deal with it and I felt like I was annoying him.

I know that I am possibly going to be in pain and will have difficulty adjusting once I have the op, and I am very nervous that I will not have the support that I need from him in that time. If I am honest, I am more worried about how he will react to seeing me suffering than I am about the suffering itself.

I know I will get "I told you it was a bad idea", "You always get ideas into your head and rush things then regret it later" etc etc.

I just don't know what to do. He is a great guy, and I don't want to lose him. He just doesn't understand me at all, in any way.

Please give me advice. :eek::eek:

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

I just don't know what to do. He is a great guy, and I don't want to lose him. He just doesn't understand me at all, in any way.

Please give me advice. :eek::eek:

That's exactly the problem, you said it. He may be great, but he DOESN'T understand you. I'm afraid my advice would not be to worry about wether or not he accepts your surgery. If he doesn't then he's not the one for you.

I've been married going on 16 years and my Husband is going through #5 surgery with me. 3 have been elective. He just wants me to be happy and he loves me big and small. He is the one that is suggesting I just do it already because he wants nothing but for me to be happy with myself, and to see myself the way he sees me.

All the best!

[wannalise 16]

Why would you sacrifice your health or happiness for ANYONE else. It is not selfish, in fact what is being asked of you is. If it is just fear, then take him to your surgeons seminars, if it his insecurity then there will be no changing that. Good luck.

[jennylou3 0]

I am new here and I don't know how I would be able to do it without my husbands support. we have been married for 14 years and my husband loves me for me. He was reluctant at first but after he went to the first meeting he was all in. My advice for you is to think about you. You are not married and you only have you to carry around for the rest of your life. Move fwrd and enjoy your decision to regain your life. either he gets excited for you or you get excited and find somone else who will.

[Papillon 7]

Listen to your own post.. You have done the research and you are ready for the surgery. I like what Wannalise said.. take him with you to your next 1-1 with the surgeon. Encourage him to ask questions. If he is not on board then send him down the plank! The experience will be hard enough without someone making you feel bad about yourself and your choices. *hug* Hang in there!!

[cukiemunstr 2]

It's hard to walk away from a relationship that ALMOST fits. But if you don't feel free to be yourself and have him see that this is not an easy choice for you, it's not the "easy way out", then he will never get it. He has an idea of what you should be and you are stepping out of that mold. I was in your shoes a long time ago, and I chose to step out and make a life with no compromises and I love my life now.

You are the one who has to make the choice on what you feel is the best move for you. :eek:

Good luck and keep your chin up!

[Jane_J 117]

I have not read what anyone else has said at this point because I wanted to give you my unbiased reaction. Your bf is not a great guy IMHO. He has zero understanding of you and zero wanting to understand you. Break up with him and sort your own life out. He will not help you. If he was a true life partner he would have shared and understood your dilemma by now. He is not a partner, he is not there for you. I will be interested now to see what the others say. We will support you so hold fast.

Jane x

[AnonFemale 0]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I understand what each of you is saying. I am glad you have all been so honest in your opinions, it's just what I was hoping for.

I would love nothing more than for him to come with me to my consultation to help him understand, but as Jane pointed out, I don't think he -wants- to understand...

I am just concerned that all the emotions about my surgery are not putting me in a good place to make a decision about my relationship right now. I think I may suggest that I move back in with my parents after my op for at least a couple of weeks so that I have the support I need when it is most crucial. Then I can think about relationship things with a clearer head a little later once I'm starting to adjust. Do you think that would be sensible?

Or am I just avoiding the inevitable? xx

[Tiffykins 673]

I haven't read the other responses so if this is a repeat I apologize.

The very first things that I thought are:

1) If he is such a great guy, why does he insult you, not support you, and why do you feel it necessary to hide things from him?

2) If he loves you, and wants you to be around for several years, not deal with conditions and co-morbidities related to your obesity, why can he not get on board to a healthier you?

3) Is he insecure because he fears if you lose weight you won't put up with his b.s. behavior, and you'll finally see that you are worth more than what he is giving you, and then you'll kick him to the curb?

4) Is he overweight as well, and does he fear losing his "eating partner"?

5) If he doesn't understand you, then why are you with him?

6) Do you not believe you deserve the very best not only from yourself, but from a partner?

Those are some things that I would really think long and hard about before you call off surgery for a man that obviously has his best interest at heart instead of yours.

When you allow people to treat you a certain way, it's exactly what you will get from them. When you demand better, you get better. That doesn't mean he isn't a great guy, but honestly, how great can someone be that "great" who makes comments such as

I know I will get "I told you it was a bad idea", "You always get ideas into your head and rush things then regret it later" etc etc.

No one should keep you from living your life. My husband wasn't too keen on me "getting skinny". I simply told him "get on board, or shut up." I know it seems harsh, but I absolutely refuse to live my life for anyone else and that includes my husband. I love my husband and son more than anything, but I love myself and them enough to live a healthy life. They both benefit exponentially because of my weight loss.

[Jane_J 117]

I think if your parents are nice ones that would be a good option. I have fled back to Ma & Pa in the past, sadly neither of them are around anymore. As a parent I think thats what we are there for, to look after our kids, they probably would be chuffed that you trusted them so much. good luck and I didn't mean to be brutal but what you said showed he is not committed to you, more fool him IMHO. One day you will look back on this and be glad you moved on.

Jane x

[AnonFemale 0]

1) If he is such a great guy, why does he insult you, not support you, and why do you feel it necessary to hide things from him?

4) Is he overweight as well, and does he fear losing his "eating partner"?

5) If he doesn't understand you, then why are you with him?

Hi Tiffy,

I have had a think about your questions, and the only ones I really have answers to are the above.

1. I hide the amount I eat from him because I am ashamed. I'm sure a lot of us with weight issues have done the same thing before really addressing the problem head on and opting for surgery

4. No, he is very slim and has little interest in food. He only eats when he is hungry, and small amounts too. This is part of the reason he doesn't understand me.

5. If I am brutally honest with you and myself, my ex who I was with for 8 years (since I was 16) was an addict - and in comparison my current boyfriend is a god-send. I just feel that he is perhaps a little immature and naive due to having lived a sheltered life up til having to put up with me!

Great questions, you really got me thinking.

[AnonFemale 0]

I think if your parents are nice ones that would be a good option. I have fled back to Ma & Pa in the past, sadly neither of them are around anymore. As a parent I think thats what we are there for, to look after our kids, they probably would be chuffed that you trusted them so much.

They really are awesome, I don't know what I'd do without them.

I'm glad you were able to head to your folks for support in the past Jane, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry they are no longer with us.

I hope like you I can one day be there to help my own children through the tough times. xx

[Jane_J 117]

There is your answer then

[Tiffykins 673]

5. If I am brutally honest with you and myself, my ex who I was with for 8 years (since I was 16) was an addict - and in comparison my current boyfriend is a god-send. I just feel that he is perhaps a little immature and naive due to having lived a sheltered life up til having to put up with me!

Great questions, you really got me thinking.

Just because your ex was an addict, and this one seems like a god send, you have to decide what you are willing to accept. No one can tell you to leave him or stay with him, but don't settle for less than everything from him, and from yourself.

I think the hardest lesson any human has to learn is to love yourself enough too not settle.

This journey is extremely emotional, and a lot of people are not prepared for the roller coaster ride that begins immediately after surgery. You really have to surround yourself with positive, uplifting people. It's bad enough that you lose the ability to cope with emotions without food much less having to deal with a non-supportive partner.

I know this is a lot to process, and it's overwhelming. Just remember that you have to do what is best for you for the rest of your life not just during the recovery period after a major, life altering surgery.

I never hid what I ate from anyone. I threw down on food on dates, and in front of friends and family. I never hid my food habits. I can only imagine how difficult that can be especially when in an intimate, close relationship with someone. The biggest issue I had with what you wrote is that you know he is going to throw things in your face, and not be supportive. My husband is lean, athletic, and doesn't understand obesity. He married me at 270, and loved me regardless and I loved myself fat. But, I really wanted to live my life without pain, and pure misery from being morbidly obese.

It's a lot to take on surgery, and trying to manage a relationship. A lot of relationships go through a transitional period when one goes through WLS.

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

I really didn't like what I saw when I read your comments about your ex being an addict and that your current bf is godsend COMPARED to your ex and that he has to "put up" with you. Obviously, I know absolutely nothing about you outside of the post you just made, but these comments already raised red flags for me. First off, addicts can destroy your self-esteem and drain all the energy out of you. Most people would look good compared to an addict, but there's a difference between "not bad compared to..." and "almost perfect." If you have low self-esteem - and let's face it, obesity and the feeling of being powerless in the face of food do nothing to bolster your self-respect - you are a lot more likely to settle for something or someone who doesn't respect your true worth. And if you say things like "he's willing to put up with me," you probably do have low self-esteem. I'm 100% happy with my boyfriend now (who's also never been fat and will never fully understand my experience with weight-based emotional abuse, bulimia, yo-yoing, etc), who is 100% supportive of the surgery, even though he is, naturally, worried that the surgery might come with complications and the like. There's literally nothing I wouldn't tell my boyfriend. He's completely aware of my struggles with food, and he's never been anything less than completely supportive. Looking back on some of the idiots I've been with, it's UNBELIEVABLE what we are willing to settle for sometimes until we find The One.

I think it'll be tough enough for you to go through the recovery without dealing with his BS. I don't think this situation will get better. I think it's a smart idea to spend the first few weeks post-surgery with your parents so you can focus on getting better without worrying about being judged.