Dating and dealing with the sleeve...

[SouthernSleever 228]

He's intuitive obviously and he's sensing that you're keeping something from him. In his mind, and as we all "tend" to do, he'll start going to the dark side thinking you're ill and that's why you don't eat. I think when you tell him he'll be greatly relieved as he's again (obviously) very fond of you. I tell everybody who notices that I've lost weight. It's no big deal. If these so-called friends of yours have seen you shrink, they've probably suspected something along these lines anyway. You have to become confident enough in YOURSELF to not care what anybody thinks about your health decisions. When you're confident that you did the best thing for yourself, you won't care what reaction anyone has, know what I mean? I saw a guy the other day I haven't seen in awhile, and he was almost afraid to comment on my weight loss because he thought that possibly I had become ill and that's why the big drop. It didn't occur to me that people would automatically go "there," but they do and can. The next time it comes up - and if you think you're going to be with this guy - just say, Look, dude, I had weight loss surgery that's why I can't eat, OK? Well be a little more sensitive than that, but answer him and get it behind you finally (so to speak.) That's my 2 cents of advice.

I've changed my mind, I agree wth this

[Mary Gordon 3]

mmm well, i think he doesn't need to know, unless he really really insists, but only if you feel comfortable telling him, then go ahead and do.....whichever way i wish you the best. :001_tt2:

[cactusmom 0]

Being married is one thing...dating is another. That person could turn around and others could say, "Well, if I had that surgery I could look like that too. Anyone could" therefore bringing you down. I agree, this isn't something you should hide if you're married, but dating is a different ballgame.

[AJW 18]

/ Guess it's up to the OP to decide how to handle this. First she has to be OK with her decision. I think when we want to "hide" these details, it's mostly because we're afraid of being judged for being ........oh IDK......weak or something. OK, my response would be, yeah, I was "weak" if you want to put a label on it; I couldn't lose it on my own. I needed HELP, so I found a way to improve my HEALTH, improving my appearance was a side-effect. And HECK YEAH, you could look this way if you had this surgery, and that'll be up to you. The more honest and forthcoming you are with people, the less there is to judge about your decision. I see really obese people on the street and I'd love to be able to go up to them and say Hey, there is a way for you to lose that weight and improve your health, but know what? Some people like to eat way too much to go through what we did, so to each his/her own. But since the OP was asking for advice on how to handle this particular situation, I stated my opinion; others have theirs. It's totally up to her how to handle or not handle. The guy will get the truth out of her; best to be up front with people you really care about. You don't have to be married before getting to the truth; in fact, best NOT to wait on truth, it needs to come out IF it's going to wory the crap out of the involved partner, as it apparently is her boyfriend. Again, just my 2 cents. :biggrin0:

[youknowit 11]

Just wanted to stop in and say thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts and insights on this "issue". I think it's rather complex, and it's so interesting how many perspectives there are on this kind of stuff.

Update on the situation: looks like things are over with this new guy... and I have to be honest, I'm a little relieved that I did not tell him. There are any number of reasons, but mostly, we have too many people "in common", without me knowing him well enough to feel comfortable that he won't spill this to the wrong "friend". I am a very private person when it comes to my physical and mental health, so, that's the decision I made, for right or wrong...

[sickofrollercoaster 7]

Good for you! Glad it all worked out for the best. I will NEVER let someone tell me that I took the easy way out with this surgery. It is not easy! I will also not expect anyone who has not had the surgery to understand that it is not easy and that will be fine with me too.

[youknowit 11]

/ Guess it's up to the OP to decide how to handle this. First she has to be OK with her decision. I think when we want to "hide" these details, it's mostly because we're afraid of being judged for being ........oh IDK......weak or something.

And I want to directly address this assertion... and what happens when we make assumptions... While I certainly agree with what you're saying in theory, things can (and often are) very different in practice...

I believe it is my right (and anyone's) to keep whatever personal (private) information that is not needed up-front, to themselves. Clearly, if things proceeded with this man, I would have told him... But things are not proceeding, so I am truly glad I did not.

I'm wondering how many people who think we should just blurt out to everyone we know about our surgery, if you had breast implants, or a nose job, would you be all "up front" about it, with someone you just started dating? I'm going to venture a guess, that most people would NOT just throw that out on the table... Please correct me if I'm way off on that?

As for assumptions, well, I am a slightly unusual case in the WLS world. I've had the bad luck of having had three surgeries... One to put in the lap band back in '05, one to remove it as it sprung a leak (and was incredibly eroded) back in '09, and my sleeve surgery this year in March. You might wonder what I've learned from this? Well, one of the many things I learned is how utterly rude and judgmental people are, which is not about me being weak or not sure of my decision... as I told a few people about my band initially, and then a lot of the people I know as time went on. Let's just say, I have the knowledge of what this "conversation" is like with a "new guy" or a new friend, and yes, I have had dudes get WAY judgemental, even to the point that I truly believe (though he would never actually say it) that one of the guys I dated a few years back was so appalled and offended by my band, that he would comment on it... "Gee, I wish it was that easy for me (or everyone else)."

You can explain until you're blue in the face, and someone like that won't get it... And my whole issue with "telling" people is quite simply this: once it's out there, you can't put the cat back in the bag. This, for most people I told about the band, wasn't a problem... but it was those few who were terribly judgmental (some in a direct way, some in a passive-aggressive way, and some in an unintentional way). Indeed, because of this, and all the roller coaster of BS I went through with the band, the erosion, the surgeries, and my friends being like "what the hell"... I kept my sleeve to me, one friend, and my brother. (And the friend is someone with WLS, so she's totally got my back.)

All-in-all, I don't think it's disingenuous to keep this to yourself, at least for the initial part of dating someone... If I saw things progressing in any real direction, I would certainly get down to it, and have the conversation... and one of the good things I got from my band situation is that I do know how to approach this discussion, and have a pretty good idea of the spectrum of responses that might come my way. I guess, like with anything else in life, there's a time and place... and for me, that's not on a first day, or even in the first few weeks.

Hope I didn't offend anyone with this initial post, as it sounds like perhaps some people were a little put-off by my decision to remain silent, at least for the time being.

best all! :001_wub:

[cactusmom 0]

hahahaa...knew it! I've been dating for years since my divorce and I KNOW how they come and go. Well, I had my surgery on the 4th of this month (Dr. Aceves--LOVEEEEED HIMM)MMM!) and I wasn't sure if I could pull off not telling my boyfriend when I arrived home. I told him I was on vacation with a friend for a few days, but had my story ready if I HAD to. I was NOT looking forward to that though. Guess what...didn't have to! :001_tongue: He still doesn't know and the lil' stiches are healing quite quickly, so I think it's smooth sailing. I KNOW, as much as he loves me, he would judge me. Because he has to work his ass off every day at the gym, do without his beer, etc. and if he knew I had it easier, it would be "well, SOME PEOPLE have surgery to make it easier." He and his buddies talk all the time about so and so's girlfriend getting fat, etc.

A girl who was having surgery with me the same day (38 yrs old) had her boyfriend there with her, but she said she didn't want to tell him, but didn't think she could pull it off without telling him. If she could have, she would have, but she said NO ONE else will know. So LOTS of people think this way. SILENCE IS GOLDEN :thumbup:

[AJW 18]

Good Grief, YOUKNOWIT, I'm very sorry for you. Obviously, there are a lot of unresolved issues in the relationship department. I was only trying to help. Keep in mind that REAL friends will NOT judge you or anything that you've done to help yourself (like WLS), they will only support you. And those whom you consider "friends" who do NOT support you, what the hell would you need them in your life for anyway?! I think it's time to calm down, relax and not stress over all of this so much. You were the one who came here asking for advice; many people tried to give you advice based on their personal experiences. Apparently this relationship did not work out for you - you did not say WHY it didn't, just that it didn't. That's fine and totally up to you what you do, how you express it and what fears you choose to hold onto. We just tried to help you. Best of luck in your next relationship. There is nothing ever wrong with telling the truth; if other people judge you for telling the truth, then shame on them.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Most people in my life don't know.

I am really amazed that some people choose to tell everyone. My feeling on this is that it's a very personal decision and it's on a need to know basis. Most people have no reason to have this privileged information!

[youknowit 11]

Most people in my life don't know.

I am really amazed that some people choose to tell everyone. My feeling on this is that it's a very personal decision and it's on a need to know basis. Most people have no reason to have this privileged information!

After this recent dating situation, for me, I couldn't have said it better, OregonDaisy. I think trust/truth is earned, kind of like respect... and thus, regardless of the circumstances surrounding my "breakup", my sleeve and things of that nature are pieces of privileged information that I can and will share, in the right circumstances, with the right person... just glad I saw through this situation and kept it to myself. When the right person comes along, I will gladly tell them. Until then, I guess that's that. :huh0: :smile: