Unsupportive Partner?

[SouthernSleever 236]

These honey's are obviously scared of something. I would try to get past the hurt words and feelings and get down to it. Is he scared you will find someone else? That you will die? It sounds like he is throwing everything at you to get you to not have the surgery. He sounds dead scared. If you are going to get this surgery for yourself you owe it to him and your children to get counseling for the two of you as well.

[Papillon 7]

I am sorry that you have such an unsupportive husband!! It is awful that he is sabotaging your goals in this way!!!! I cannot believe he called you "dammaged goods" That comment alone made me very angry! There is no reason for him to say something so hurtful. That comment doesn't show that he loves you and is worried about you. That comment was said to undermine your desire to change your life.

If it helps any remember that he is a grown man. He will not wither and cease to exist because you are making a change. If he wants to eat bad foods you are not his mother and nothing you can do will make him change. He will have to come to that place on his own.

My thoughts are with you. No one deserves to live in an environment where they are under appreciated and held down. Do not let him squish you!...

[BonnieJuneE 5]

My heart truly goes out to you ladies! I see that this thread was started a few months back and that you Were supposto have Had surgery already....sooooo how have things been since then? Have your hubbys changed their minds or become more supportive after seeing how happy you are? Just wondering? Updated on this specific situation would be great! Hopefully all issues were resolved??

[pumpkin07 32]

I think getting the sleeve is a HUGE decision because it does permanently affect your body, your temple, your health. But also I believe it is such a personal decision. I remember realizing one day that I'd been fat for 20 years. And I vowed the make the next 20 years or more different. I was a fat kid, then a fat adult. It sucks.

I had one person not agree with my decision and it was a co-worker. We just don't discuss it much.

[possumtrot 2]

My s/o isn't thrilled with my mulling over the possibility of VSG either. For him I think it is a money thing as I will have to be self-pay and he thinks that if I just eat more salad my 40 plus year weight problem will go away. Mostly his issue is that he doesn't like change in any form and if/when I will have VSG then I will change.

He has been like this way for as long as I have known him (fearing change). What I have learned is that he will come around eventually and often claim the idea as his own, lol. So basically, I do take his input into consideration but temper it with the knowledge of his fear of change and then trust my gut instinct on things. My considerable gut is telling me it is past time to take action.

[ImReady 0]

I'm sorry to say that I am on the losing end of this one as well. For the most part my husband is supportive, but he doesn't want me to have the surgery and thinks I can do it on my own. However, he has also let me know that most of his negativity comes from his concerns about my health during and after the surgery, finances, and his concern that I will lose to much weight. I have the same concerns about the first two and understand the third so I try to go easy on him, and ignore him when he goes into his "you are doing so good on your diet/excercise program you don't need surgery" rant. By the way I have lost 6 lbs in two months, yay, at that rate it will only take me 4 years to lose the amount I need to lose. Sarcasm intended....

I'm sorry you are going through this, it could be such a wonderful time for you both to grow and support each other. Low self esteem manifests itself in many ways as do insecurity and immaturity. Good luck on your journey and know that we will always be here with a shoulder to cry on, or hit, if you need to let go with sadness or anger.

[achopp 0]

I'm sorry to say that I am on the losing end of this one as well. For the most part my husband is supportive, but he doesn't want me to have the surgery and thinks I can do it on my own. However, he has also let me know that most of his negativity comes from his concerns about my health during and after the surgery, finances, and his concern that I will lose to much weight. I have the same concerns about the first two and understand the third so I try to go easy on him, and ignore him when he goes into his "you are doing so good on your diet/excercise program you don't need surgery" rant. By the way I have lost 6 lbs in two months, yay, at that rate it will only take me 4 years to lose the amount I need to lose. Sarcasm intended....

I'm sorry you are going through this, it could be such a wonderful time for you both to grow and support each other. Low self esteem manifests itself in many ways as do insecurity and immaturity. Good luck on your journey and know that we will always be here with a shoulder to cry on, or hit, if you need to let go with sadness or anger.

I'm almost 3 months post-op now, and my husband is totally happy with my decision. My surgery has given him newfound freedoms as well. I've lost almost 70 pounds at this point and our lives no longer revolve around me being really fat, what diet of the week I'm on, or my anxiety about having to lose weight. Also, he's happy with the fact that he can have candy/sweets in the house now without me eating all of them before he can even get a taste. My husband has said that I'm like a somewhat "normal" person now, no longer obsessed with food, and he always talks about how glad he is that I had surgery.

[MumtazG38 86]

Hey everyone! This'll be my very first post on here. YAY!

Firstly, I want to say how sorry I am for the people on here who are having a hard time with their partners being unsupportive! I truly truly feel for you guys and wish you all the best of luck in dealing with this. Just remember this, that the most likely reason behind the way you're partners are acting (or anyone else at that) is fear. Fear of one thing or another. It is the case with most similar situations, and if that IS the case for you than you're kinda in luck because fear can be conquered, but it's difficult to do alone, especially if the person doesn't even know they are experiencing it. So please, try and see if you can find out what it is your partner "fears". Albeit, losing you, fear of the surgery or complications, fear of the unknown (lack of knowledge), and other possible fears, and work on eliminating that fear however your feel is best. You know your partners best, so don't lose hope. In most cases, such problems can be resolved. And I hope and pray that for each and every one of you experiencing these problems with your partners, that you all are able to resolve whatever issues there are behind the unsupportiveness. And if not, remember that you've got to do what is best for yourself!!! And we are all here, and we all support you!

I too have had a unsupportive husband, who is one of those always fit bodybuilding beast of a man guys who think all everyone in the whole world needs to do is HIT THE GYM! LOL. Basically, my hubby and I have a great relationship in every way possible......but we verbally fight like dogs when we rarely DO argue, and laugh like hell while we're at it too (It's just hilarious seeing each other so revved up over something, so the fight is usually over when one of us laughs, as it's contagious lol). We've been like this from day one, and it's mostly my fault lol. We don't say things that can be hurtful, but we do say quite a few playful ish things all the time. No...he does not call me lard-ass! Thought I'd just put that out there. HA! He would be deathly scared to, however I admit I do call him that when I see him downing steak after steak during his Protein munster phases! LOL. I mean to say that we have a VERY open way of communicating where we trust each other with our entire souls to not hurt the other and express whatever it is that is on our minds, directly. No BS. NONE! ZILCH! That is just how I am, and hubby has learned to become the same way having been with me for so long. And me him, a good relationship is one built on trust, honesty and good communication. However, a GREAT relationship is one where both parties know "how" to communicate successfully with each other, and know when to stop and what buttons to simply NOT PUSH. I know when my husband is set on something, I can smell the determination a mile away, and I act accordingly and support him through thick and thin without any need for any level of "assertion" on his behalf. And I expect him to be the same way.

The only problems that arise in such a relationship start when one of us doesn't really understand what it is we are truly feeling.....and when it comes to expressing....it's nothing less than an EPIC FAIL!. lol. Basically, my husband felt that I did not know enough about the VSG and is afraid that I am taking too big a risk to simply "get thin". He has fear of possible complications, or harms from the surgery for me, and the fact that I just threw the decision at him like that out of nowhere only made matters worse. ( honestly I never thought to tell him before that I'd researched and researched it off and on through the past 11 years, since I'd never made a decision until now). I should have kept him more aware of it while I was looking into it, so that he could have easily flowed right into it. If you want to know how everything went down in that discussion, and a little about why I decided towards the for me and what lead me to my decision ultimately read on.

When I explained to my hub that I was looking into the VSG.....I was straight forward and let him know the facts. What it was, how the surgery is performed, how I felt about it, why I need it and so on so on. My reasons are two, and only two. I want to look good and know how it feels to actually be a normal human being for once....and second, I NEED to be there for my children, I refuse to not give them ALL of myself anymore. My boys deserve a mom who can, will and wants to run around like an erffing lunatic with them all day long LOL. They deserve to have mommy take care of the chores for once so they can learn to do the same! They need there mother to do all of the things, and more, a mother does with her very young boys (3yrs and 8 months). The worst moment of my life was when my oldest bub very recently managed to unlock and open the front door and ran off into the main road infront of the house and ACTUALLY HID BEHIND OUR SUV TO JUMP OUT AND SCARE AN ONCOMING CAR!!!!! SERIOUSLY! I couldn't run fast and hard enough to get to him in time. To this day, I do not even know how I managed to reach him in time, grab him by the waist and throw myself and him back onto the side of the road behind the suv again. If I had fallen or slipped once, just ONCE I don't want to think about what could have happened! Hubby knew all about this incident, and when I reminded him of it (thinking this is the main point of my entire conversation here lol) he goes, "Well see! You ran like hell, and you got him didn't you!" And the man is smiling at me (that heart-melting smile....not quite working today though I did notice lol). He actually thinks he's making a point here. Basically, the fact that I ran and made it barely before my son did that awful thing he was planning to do meant that I was fit enough to do it, I just needed something to motivate me. WTF!!! (disclaimer! lol! we have since made it clear and very well understood that it is incredibly dangerous what bub was planning on doing, and even if it was the case that he wasn't attempting to jump infront of the car but only say boo or surprise it he is to never ever go anywhere near any roads unattended, hide behind cars, or jump at them ever again....honestly you'd think they'd know these things eh? haha....they are only 3 year olds though)

Well basically, after a few more "excuses" my husband came up with. I told him to stop talking, and demanded that he will give me 10 minutes to have my say, uninterrupted, and than we can continue. Firstly, I addressed the aforementioned comment he made about how I was able to run and get my son out of harms way in time, so that meant I was actually quite fit! I told him, if he thinks that this is a sensible argument he should re-evaluate his entire way of thinking. If I had been healthy and fit I would not have taken so darn long to half waddle half fall my way over to my son. I would have been able to have gotten off the sofa and get to him before he even got the door open. But my knees do not allow me to do that. Ever since my last pregnancy, I have lost the ability to quickly/easily get up and out of laying/seated positions. My back will "get stuck" if I do it. Which had happened when I ran to get him, and the excruciating pain from that made it impossible for me to move my right leg well enough to stride over to him at any speed. That and my knee pain together scared the living heck out of me that day! The only thing that saved my son was that burst of adrenaline when I opened the door, got onto the steps of the porch and actually saw what he was about to do! Basically, I said to my husband if the fact that I barely made it over to save our son from imminent death from jumping infront of or beside an oncoming car....just in time, rather than having been able to have stopped the boy even leaving the house is an achievement MAJOR re-evaluations need to be made on his part, mentally! Than I explained to him that this is a decision that has already been made. There will be no if's, and's, or but's about it and he has the option to be a supportive part of this decision so that I can remember him there at my bedside throughout such an important time in my life at the hospital, and there by my side as I slowly come into a new era of my life and healthy, fit, and active future when we are both old and have nothing left, but the memories to relive and re-think over and over again. OR he can just sit pretty at home and act like a baby while I move onto bigger and better things for myself and my children, on my own. THEN (here's the best part ), I told him that the second one, is simply not an option and he is coming to Tijuana with me whether he likes it or not because I decide how I see him in the future, I will NOT let him, or anyone else dictate how I feel about MY HUSBAND and MY MARRIAGE. Yes, it is OUR MARRIAGE. But I refuse to let my partner NOT BE A PART of possibly one of the biggest moments of my life that I will remember when we are old and raggedy if I can help it. And first and foremost, I simply refuse to let ANYONE dictate how that important moment, or any other moment in my life at that will be embedded within my memory, not without a fight at least. So if his decision is anything less than "Yes dear, when's the flight?" I will take it to translate directly to "Bye honey, I'm moving back in with my parents while you gather up the paperwork for me to sign, and yes of course your keeping the kids....seeing as there is no way in hell I'm getting them because you will always have a better case then me in court, and I know from experience your lawyer is a BOSS!".

So yes, after this conversation was over (it seems much more mean and robotic in writing, but I thought I'd state I was actually being very carefully worded and loving saying all this lol), hubby was all about it lol. Yes, he still thinks I could work out more (but he also thinks he could rid the world of all diseases and illnesses if he could just convince enough people to simply "hit the gym"), and yes he repeatedly tells me he loves my body the way it is and thinks I look gorgeous (can't argue with that ) but he says he knows that this is what I want for me, and skinny, fat, he'll have me any way he can as long as I'm happy. So, needless to say....he's paying for everything lol.